(Song: Emissary, Artist: Keaton Henson ft. Ren Ford)
C O L B Y
I collapsed on my bed, the sullen look in Sam's eyes haunting me and his words ringing in my head. The way understanding had struck me in such a painful way and I didn't even know why. He couldn't be right, could he?
Could I have fallen in love with Sam only because he was in love with me?
I thought for a very long time. Did it even matter? I loved him, right? He was what kept me grounded and secure, he helped me through tough times and was there to comfort me. We laughed and shared good memories together.
My heart dropped as I realized I couldn't think of one thing that would be a reason for loving him as more than a friend. He was in every way my best friend, enough to say he was my brother. He wasn't my partner.
Sam was right, I couldn't help loving him because of how he loved me. And I couldn't stop loving him without hurting him, but I couldn't keep loving him without hurting myself.
My entire being immediately went to save him, love him for as long as eternity to keep him safe.
But it would still hurt him, he'd know. He'd know that I was pretending. He'd know that I secretly believed we are best as brothers and best friends for as long as we live, not partners and lovers.
I don't love you, Sam, not the way I thought. Maybe I never did.
I felt sick as I realized that I held on so long to what I wanted Sam to be, that I'd blocked out what he truly was. He wasn't what I dreamed him to be, and that's not his fault. Back when he first told me how he felt, I made up my mind that he would be the love of my life, the one I lived for forever and ever. Know I see that I spent so long trying to fit him into a position he didn't belong in in my life.
My stomach coiled and I thought I was going to vomit. My entire world was turned upside down, because my world was Sam. I'd put him there, I'd molded myself around him and now I was loosing my footing. I was falling and I didn't know if I should try to get back up.
I forced my way into the bathroom, letting go as I retched. Is stress-induced sickness possible?
I felt weak, betrayed by my own mind and body. I was a fool, and much more I hurt someone who I truly deeply cared about.
Sam.
Where was sam?
Should I talk to him?
No, not like this. Not with me sick to my stomach at how foul and disgusting I was. How could I play with him like that? How could I let myself be deceived?
I lay on the bathroom floor, not bothered by the cold tiles pressed up against my sweating body. I almost enjoyed how uncomfortable I was, feeling the need to punish myself.
I can't take it back, I can't rebuild what I broke.