I follow Mere to our room with Ryan behind us. Niall said I should come over in ten minutes because he needs to take a shower and set up Netflix, so we can watch a movie after we're done talking. Well, I hope I still want to be with him after our talk. I'm currently wearing a black Bring Me The Horizon shirt and some pajama shorts with little Stitch from "Lilo and Stitch" on them. My hair is still wet from my shower. We all decided to just watch an episode of "The Walking Dead" and just do stuff by ourselves after. Lilian and Wesley decided they'd go watch the sunset on the beach, Mia and Luke are watching TV in the living room with Conner, Ryan and Mere are going to watch some Netflix together as well, Riley and Jake are on the patio, watching the sunset, too. Niall and I are also going to watch some Netflix, if this conversation ends well. I sit down on my bed, watching the clock on my phone change to 7:13pm.
"So, what is it with Niall and you?", Ryan suddenly asks.
I look over at him and Mere, seeing her punch him in the arm. He looks at her but she just glares at him.
"We're about to find out", I just say.
I grab my earlobe, playing with my plug. My hair is all curly since I let it air dry. My natural hair is curly but I like to straighten it or straighten and then curl it because my natural curls are quite wild. I look down at my legs, feeling quite anxious. I'm kind of scared of this conversation. What if he tells me that he doesn't want to be in an official relationship with me? I know that he doesn't but hope dies at last. I go to my Instagram. I really want to post some pictures Wesley took of us girls. Lilian, Mere, Mia, Riley and I stand next to each other in our swimsuits, laughing. In one we're all laughing so hard that some of us are bending down, holding our stomachs while others just laugh and look up into the sky. We laughed that hard because a seagull stole Ryan's cap and he was chasing the bird around the beach. In the end he got it back. Quickly, I tag everyone and post the pictures. I also just scroll through my feed, seeing some celebrities posted.
"Vio, could you already leave? I don't want to be rude but Ryan and I really want to be alone right now", Mere speaks up.
I just give her a smile, grab my phone and charger and a hair tie. I close the door behind me, walking down the hallway to the staircase to go into the kitchen to eat some leftover pizza from dinner. We were too lazy to cook ourselves, so we ordered some pizza. Niall and the boys also already emptied the liquor shelves in the basement and stacked everything on the kitchen island. They also said some people from college, that Niall's friends with, are bringing some stuff. I probably will have one drink tomorrow when we celebrate into our birthdays with our friends and then at the party, I'll also just have one drink when we all say our blessings on Niall and I and that's it. I don't feel like drinking at the moment.
"What are you doing in here, all by yourself?", Conner gets me out of my thoughts.
"I got hungry and took some pizza", I explain, taking a bite after.
"Same, so how does it feel to turn 17?", he asks, opening the fridge, getting out a coke bottle.
"Just like any other day, I guess", I explain.
"Well, then enjoy your last few days as a 16 year old and have fun with Niall", he smirks, leaving the kitchen.
I roll my eyes at him and take a second piece of pizza. They're small pieces, to defend myself. I look up at the clock. Two minutes. I decide to just go to Niall's room already. I don't care, if he's done or not. I knock on the door but there is no answer. I hear the shower running from the inside. He's still in the shower. I just open the door to his room, seeing only white walls. There is a huge window wall, making the sunset visible. He also has a balcony. The accent color in this room is black, considering his sheets are black and there's a few pictures in black frames on the walls. I walk up to the window, looking outside. You look straight at the beach and ocean. The sun sets right behind it in the horizon. I decide to step out on the balcony and sit on a chair. The sunset is probably going to take another hour or so. I get out a cigarette from the pack that I stuck in my shorts pockets and light it with my almost empty lighter. I don't smoke that much anymore. It's usually only like three cigarettes a day. I used to smoke about half a pack a day when my Dad first died. Maybe I'm just happier and don't need to numb myself with nicotine anymore. There is an ashtray on the table with the chairs, so I sit down and put my feet up on the balcony railing to sit more comfortable. The ashtray has the Jägermeister symbol on it. I know Niall loves Jägermeister just like I do but honestly, I know that they won't have any here tomorrow or the next day. Not even the college kids will bring it. It's just too expensive. I suddenly hear the water stop running and look back into the room. I hope Niall has some clothes in the shower with him. My eyes fixate back on the beach. I can see two people sitting on a towel, kissing. That could be Lilian and Wesley.
"So, honey, now, take me into your loving arms. Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars. Place your head on my beating heart. I'm thinking out loud. Maybe we found love right where we are", I hear Niall sing from inside.
I jump a little, smoking down my cigarette as far as I can. I make myself noticeable by clearing my throat. I quickly put my cigarette into the ashtray and press it out. My legs carry me into the room. Niall stands there only with tight black Calvin Klein boxers on his legs and a white t-shirt.
"Sorry, Mere and Ryan wanted to be alone", I mumble, not looking at Niall at all.
"Oh, okay. Let me quickly get some pants on and then we can talk", he explains, seeming quite embarrassed by me just being here, "Just take a seat on my bed."
I do as I am told and sit down on the bed. I look down at my phone, seeing Wesley texted me.
Wesley: Don't do something, you don't want to do. Tell him that no means no.
I leave him on read and go back to Snapchat. Mere send me one. It's just a picture of her and Ryan cuddling. She always sends me those kind of pictures to make me a little jealous but it doesn't faze me. I put my phone away again, as soon as Niall's on the bed, sitting in front of me with a small smile on his face. His wet hair looks really cute on him.
"So, what do you want to talk about?", he asks.
I take a deep breath and play with my fingers. Niall just stays silent and looks at me. My eyes meet his anyways.
"Well, we've had sex twice now and I have to say that it can't go on like this. We need to stop having sex when we feel like it. I mean, yeah, we're both sexually attracted to each other and we have certain needs but we can't just go on having sex with no certain status to it or whatever. We're not in a relationship. Niall, we just can't do it anymore", I say.
"Well, why can't we continue on like we're doing now? You're enjoying yourself, right? I certainly am. We could just go on as fuck-buddies."
"It's not like that I don't want it. It's just that I'm scared one of us is going to be hurt in the end. I don't want to ruin your and Wesley's friendship with this", I explain, looking down at my hands again.
The firefly tattoo is clearly visible on my white skin. I let my thumb lightly caress it. Niall stays silent, probably thinking of how to answer. I look up again, feeling tears build up at the conners of my eyes. I don't know what to answer.
"Violet, do you like me more than just friends?", he asks, catching me off-guard.
I lift my hands to my face, covering it with them. I can't look at him now. This is so embarrassing to me. The tears slip from my eyes and run down on my hands. I have to tell him the truth.
"Yeah", I whisper very quietly.
Silence. I lean my back against the headboard, fleeing from Niall a bit. My hands wipe away the tears from my silent crying. I sniffle and just let the silence overcome me. There is no sound, just silence. Not even a single seagull is squawking outside. You can't even hear the TV from downstairs.
"I don't know what to say, Violet", Niall admits.
I look up at him, seeing a worried expression on his face.
"I like you but not the way you like me probably. I mean, we're great friends and I understand you and you understand me. We just can't be in a relationship, Violet. I don't like you like that. I would only hurt you because I can't give you what you'd give me. I just don't do relationships. I don't commit to someone just like that", he tells me.
I nod understandingly.
"I'm sorry, if it seemed like that to you. I know I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have led you to like me", he says.
I get up from his bed and leave the room. I ignore his calls for me. I can't deal with him right now. Where do I go now? Ryan and Mere want their privacy and the others do, too. Quickly, I enter Ryan's, Mere's and my room, seeing them cuddled up, watching a movie. I ignore Mere's worried calls for me and take a towel from my bag and storm back out. I saw a way up to the roof earlier. Niall told us he goes up there all the time. I take the stairs up to the attic and climb out of one of the roof windows. I lay my towel down and sit on it, crying my eyes out while staring down at the beach and the sunset. Wesley and Lilian aren't sitting there anymore. They probably went down the beach more to have some more privacy. I pull my knees up and hide my face in my hands, leaning against my knees. What did I even expect? Was I thinking that he would say he likes me, too? I knew that he'd reject me. Why am I crying so hard? I knew that he'd say that we should just stay friends. Now I know what Wesley meant, as he told me that all Niall does is hurt people. He doesn't like me.
"Violet?", I hear someone shout.
I ignore it. The someone else shouts my name. I see everyone but Niall running down to the beach. I don't want them to think that I ran away. I reach into my pocket, finding no phone. I must've left it on Niall's bed when I ran off. Great. I look down at the sunset. I didn't realize it's been that long. My tears dry up, making me just stare at the palm trees emotionlessly. Maybe I just ruined everything between Niall and I. Maybe I just ruined the whole friendships in the group. Maybe I should drive home and spend my birthday at home with Mom. Then I hear someone say my name closer than the others, almost next to me. It's Niall. I don't want to look at him, so I look to my left, where he certainly will not be because he's to my right, looking out of the window.
"Violet, come down. The others are worried for you", he speaks.
I continue ignoring him. He needs to leave me alone. Then I hear him move, not away from me but onto the roof. I feel him sit down next to me. He lays an arm around my shoulders and I don't react yet again. A tingle continues to rush into my stomach, making me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I don't want him to make me feel this way anymore. He doesn't like me, so I don't want to like him.