[The above wreath I won in a giveaway- it describes Joy :)]
I squeezed my eyes open and squinted, the light blinding me. Noticing my discomfort, someone drew the curtains back. I rubbed my eyes and slowly sat up on the bed. Bile rose in my throat and I immediately grabbed the nearby bucket. This was usually how I woke up in hospitals, nothing new. Massaging my head, I looked up at the smiling face of the nurse and asked hoarsely, "What time is it?"
"One pm," she said glibly. "This is the second day you're here. You remember what happened last evening?"
I gave her a perplexed look as she continued smiling dolefully. Realization sank in me and seeing my expression change from confusion to sorrow and shame, she patted my shoulder lovingly. My mouth felt dry and I licked my lips. "My head's still hurting."
"Of course it is darling. Tell you what, I'll bring you food and water to eat and drink. Doctor Lee will check up on you later." She strode out of the plain room after I assured her that I would be fine without her presence.
The whitewashed bleak yet familiar walls of the hospital room seemed to stare back at me. Through the gap between the green curtains, I could see the sun shining vehemently. Day before yesterday night, everything had gone wrong and the storm had raged on us in all it's fury. I ended up here and Logan . . . Poor, poor Logan!
Yesterday evening when I woke up for the first time in the hospital and my entire family was around- all except Logan, I became hysterical. Grandpa had been bailed out because Logan was found by his ruthless uncle and the police. I screamed and banged my head on the pillow repeatedly upon realizing that Logan was gone. He was indeed gone, again, all because of me and my fricking cancer.
"You alright?" The nurse entered the room with the tray of food and I nodded slightly. The nurse was a brown woman in her early forties, a bit plump with large eyes, but approachable. She gave me some pills which I had to take before lunch. I took them and gulped down the water. "How are you feeling hon?"
How was I feeling? Truth be told, I didn't know. It was like when the brake of a car failed and you were driving it, you knew there was a dead end and you couldn't do anything. Still you tried to turn the car around in hopes of getting saved and it would start spinning in circles causing more havoc. You kicked and cried and prayed. Thoughts, memories rushed through your mind like a hot gush of tap water. You clung on to the last bit of hope, desperate to save yourself, but that didn't happen. Just a second before the end, you finally braced yourself for the impact. Was that losing hope? Maybe. Was that being practical? Probably. I was stuck in this, but I thought that I was bracing myself for the inevitable death, only to find myself back at the beginning. That too, all in slow motion.
It was too much, too much.
"I'm fine," I replied ultimately to the nurse who was eyeing me curiously. I cracked a weak smile and popped a boiled baby carrot in my mouth. "When can I get out of here?"
"Doctor Lee will tell you that, but you'll be discharged soon surely. You look better after resting," she stated. Did I? Somehow I didn't want to look better even though it sounded absurd. I deserved this especially when Logan had told me to not come at the lighthouse, but I still did. "I telephoned your family and they're going to come to visit you."
"Oh no, not them," I murmured. I recalled them crumbling down when last evening I had freaked out. I seldom broke down in front of them these days because it wouldn't be fair. They were still coming in terms with me dying in some months, I couldn't be more hard on them. I added dubiously, "I-I mean it's good."
"It's only your mum and sister child, don't worry," the nurse said as if reading my thoughts. She languidly walked out of the room. "I'll send them in when they come. You finish that quick."
She gestured at the disgusting hospital food and disappeared. My taste buds were pretty much destroyed due to all the medicines which I religiously took each day, but this food didn't look appetizing at all- pure goo. It was nice to eat delicious looking food although I couldn't taste half of it. Maybe food would motivate me to get out of here.
I forced the food down my throat and right when I managed to finish it, someone knocked on the open door to draw my attention. I looked up and it was the nurse- my mum and sister lurking behind her. The nurse stepped aside and mum dashed towards me, engulfing me into a warm hug.
"I'm alright maa," I mumbled against her stomach. I felt wet tears dropping on my head and I laughed lightly. "Stop crying maa, it's embarrassing."
I could feel her smiling against my hair. "Okay, I won't cry, but it's a horrible thing to be embarrassed of your mum."
"Sorry," I said playfully, humouring her. "Now let go of me, I'm not dying this moment, but I'll definitely die of suffocation."
My mum released me, smacked my head lightly, but her eyes held a depth of seriousness. "Don't talk about that."
"Alright, alright." I sighed and mum dropped a paper bag on my lap.
"Green smoothie from home, the only thing I could make quickly. If you don't get discharged by night, I'll try to bring some good, hot meal," she promised. "The food here will make my poor Joy more sick."
"Thank you maa!" I gave her another quick hug and then stretched my arms out at Gemma. "Come here Gem." She obediently fell into my arms and I clutched her tightly. I missed her so much. She squeaked a protest since she didn't like hugging much and I laughed, freeing her. "Okay, okay, you go."
I had frequent trips to the hospital and each time my family tried their best to contain emotions. We didn't weep every time, but today was somewhat different. This was the first time after a long time I had broken down and it wasn't about me. My family was fond of Logan and losing him because of my foolishness . . . I shook my head, no, no, no, don't cry in front of them.
"Your sister would like to apologise," my mum said suddenly, her voice formal and glared at Gemma.
"What for?" I frowned when I noticed Gemma struggling.
"I'm sorry!" she blurted out. "I'm sorry I went crazy back at the lighthouse that night. I should have-should have taken care of you more, I should have--- "
"What are you talking about?" My forehead creased.
Mum's lips were pursed into a thin line, her face grim. "Gemma told me everything. She had started to act unusually after you turned terribly ill back there--- "
"Unusually?" My eyebrows rose up. "Maa, how can you say that? You know her-her . . . " I trailed off, looking at Gemma awkwardly. We tried not to point out Gemma's autism in our daily conversation, we tried to make her feel normal [it was stupid though, mum's idea] "Gemma was perfectly fine that day, she helped Logan bring me here."
"It's okay, you don't need to take my side. You were in the bathroom that time, you don't know," Gemma said in a small voice and my mum smiled satisfactorily. "I'm sorry, it was my fault."
"No, it wasn't your fault! You did everything you could and if-if Logan was here, he would tell the same thing." I grasped her hand tightly. "You don't have to be sorry about anything, okay? It was certainly not your fault, do you understand?" She nodded reluctantly, my mum watching her every move critically. I whispered, almost mouthed so only Gemma could hear. "Don't listen to maa."
I dreaded the day when I would be long gone, dad would go back to work abroad, Shaun would be in France for his internship and mum and Gemma would be left alone in the house. I wouldn't be around to defend Gemma from mum's taunts. Mum was really a good mother-the best to me, but her methods of raising Gemma were clearly different.
My mum said reproachfully, "I heard that Joy. You know it's only to help her grow. She needs to own up to her mistakes."
"That's what's wrong, it's not her mistake! Arguing is pointless--- " I was cut off when the nurse followed by two cops entered the room briskly. I straightened my back and mum took a protective stance in front of me, Gemma shrinking into a corner.
"What happened?" my mum asked guardedly.
The brown moustache cop spoke, "It's nothing much ma'am, we only need to ask a few questions regarding Logan Kellerman. It comes to our notice that Joy Jones ran away with him--- "
"Helped him," I corrected dumbly and bit the inside of my cheek. It was better to shut my mouth.
Both the officers gazed at me, nodding slowly. "Yeah so Miss Joy Jones, there are some things that needs to be answered--- "
"She isn't going to answer any questions now," my mum declared confidently. "Excuse us officer, but she's really sick. It would be nice if the interrogation happened later, she needs to recover."
"We understand that ma'am, but her co-operation is necessary," the blonde one said, his voice indicating forced politeness.
"No--- "
"Maa, it's okay--- "
"No, it's not okay Joy. It's rude to disturb patients who are gravely ill," mum said spitefully and glowered at me. I swallowed. I should indeed seal my mouth shut. I knew why mum was dodging the cops for now, she probably wanted to instruct me as to what to tell and what not to during the interrogation. Crafting and framing answers to possible questions prior would always work in our favour.
The blonde cop was going to say something for he opened his mouth, obviously irritated. However, the brown moustache caught his arm. He smiled at us and said, "Never mind, we'll come later."
My mum said something like "huh" in derision and I just smiled ruefully at the cops. It didn't matter anyway. Logan was imprisoned by his uncle and his future was snatched away. His future which he was so hopeful of sometimes . . .