Thank you so much Taqi-Writer for helping me out in this Chapter. I couldn't have even known or explained all these issues as you did to me so easily. So, Thank you thank you so much once again. I'm really thankful to you...and All the very best for your exam 👍
Love ya...😘😘
"It's okay Doctor, I'm strong enough to know what is the cause behind my sickness" I gave her a confident smile but on the inside I was scared to hear the result.
"You're suffering from Uterine Myomas". She said.
My fingers automatically gripped my handbag tighter and the smile on my withered lips drained faster than my morning coffee.
"Wha-what do you me-mean by Uterine Myomas? What is it?" My lips trembled as I asked.
"Uterine Myomas is also called Leiomyomas which is basically a formation of fibroids in the endometrial walls of uterus. Due to these fibroids formation you have a terrible pain during your menses and heavy flow." She spoke so eloquently.
Her eyes were a warm brown- the kind that reminds you of all things soft and sweet.
"There should be a solution for all this? I'm sure there must be a way to stop all this?" I asked
"The only solution to stop all this is you need to get pregnant soon." She said ever so simply.
The news passed through me like a hurricane.
"What??? What do you mean? God forbid if any woman suffers this myomas something, she has to get pregnant, as a solution to this? What if the girl is unmarried?" This was unbelievable.
"Not all fibroids needs a women to get pregnant but your case is a different where you need to concieve as soon as possible. And your pregnancy hormones will eventually heal your fibroids and we will also give you side treatment too." She explained everything in words even my Adeel could understand.
"Listen dear, if you don't conceive soon there is 99% chances that you wont conceive again. If you both make it soon then you would have less flow and pain will reduce too." For the most part I understood what was going on and periodically she would stop to address me directly, to explain the next procedure and what its purpose was.
It was oddly comforting to be treated so much like a child, yet all along I felt in control, like all I had to do was whisper "stop" and they would. After saying thank you and good bye, I went out.
I felt emotionally bankrupt. There was nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, but the void that enveloped my mind swirled in blackness. Before I lose my balance, I sat down on one of the chairs, holding the handle of it. My hopes and dreams were annihilated with the stroke of a pen.
I place my hand on my chest, I can still feel the frigid cold surrounding my heart so I know it’s there, but lately I can’t feel it beating anymore. I can no longer feel anything as strongly as I did. I am afraid of going completely numb, but I am also afraid of feeling. Because, quite frankly; feeling hurts.
Feeling is what makes you go numb in the first place. Every breath I take now is filled with the icy air of my heart. It pains me so much as it spreads the cold blood through my veins. The coldness of my heart blurs my vision, rimming everything in red. I feel angry. I could punch a hole in a wall and turn a table over. But I can’t, I simply sit there, letting the numbness and anger take me.
I don't know for how long I sat there or should I say I stared at the blank wall, it was Adeel who brought me out of my daze. It was as if he was calling me, calling me back home. All the emotions that I was feeling before was gone. As if someone has stole all the treasure I had leaving me with nothing so that I could sleep properly without being worried of getting anything stolen.
I picked myself up, head high, eyes looking straight. I'm born to be a fighter. I will fight...I'll pray and tell God all my insecurities and worries. When anxiety and fear grab me by the tongue and dry my mouth, I won't panic anymore. I've been there before, I know the feeling, and knowing it makes it less scary - I am stronger for my battle scars. So instead of letting it take me down, I will remind myself that everything will be alright.
In Sha Allah.
Fear can only hold me back, stop me. But can't put my belief down.
I stopped the car in front of the main gate, as the watchman ran to open the door. Thanking him politely, I got out of the car. When I enetered the house, I came to know that Mom & Adeel have gone out. Zarine was still in the Uni. This was the last thing I wanted to be. Alone.
Rubbing my tired eyes with the insides of my palms, my eyes were dry from staring at the floor. Twirling the empty coffee cup wishing I hadn't drank down the crappy coffee. Now I was sitting in the dark corner of my room to prevent unwanted light to invade my eyes. Raking my fingers through my tossed and tangled hair, I pulled them aside to keep it out of my face. Everything was a mess. A Mess around me.
My heart was as barren as the moors on a desolate winter morn. The awful hollowness, the waves of wretchedness threatened to engulf my mind, body and soul. My hazel eyes welled up and tears streaked down my face, lips trembling until I bite them as my tears dry on my cheeks.
I tried to forget what the doctor said but I can't. What am I gonna say to Zain? How's he gonna react? How can I say to him all this when knowing the fact he doesn't love me...he married me and he's doing all his duty of a husband. But I never wanted this to come as a duty. If he comes to know about my sickness, he won't question me anything but I don't want this to happen only because it is necessary.
I want him to have feelings, which he'll never get. There's no need to say anything to anyone, no one is gonna understand my view. Mom and Dad will eventually force him, but I don't want this. I'll wait until he realizes his love for me. I'll wait till then...I hope I have enough time to wait for him, his love.
I had never felt so alone, so lost... So incapable of doing even the smallest tasks. And this was only the beginning, the beginning of the pain, the suffering and the endless congo line of emotions that were in store for me.
I was so tired, mentally and physically, that amidst all the mess I laid down. No thinking, no crying.
We all were having dinner, Mom asked me to stay with her for few days. As it is Zain isn't gonna return soon, so it would be good for me only that I'll have company around me everytime.
The first thing that Mom asked was what did the Doctor said?
The desolation I felt at that time was all consuming. My mind became an icy wasteland, the wind howled in my soul and wrapped icy tentacles around my heart so tightly it almost stopped beating. And just like that I said that she has given me some medicines and it'll be alright soon. I know she knows that I'm hiding something from her but at the same time I'm thankful to her for not pestering me to open up.
The feeling is strange; too familiar yet too strange. I never know how to define it. I want to smile, laugh along with everyone but something in me grabs my heart tight, crushes it to pieces. The brightness inside of me is gulped by something dark. No, I would be wrong to say it is dark - it is empty, nothing else.
After we finished having dinner, I was sitting in my balcony, I couldn't help but compare the night with my own state of mind. Just like those clouds, my insides were in a chaos. A mess.
Something was bothering me. Something was hurting me. Something ached inside me.
Something felt so wrong, so invalid but I couldn't tell what. I tried to pin point the cause for this unexplained pain but failed. I tried to reason this unbearable burning but didn't find any. Everything felt so confused, just like a jumbled set of a puzzle.
A puzzle that I didn't know how to solve.
I knocked the door twice before going inside. Mom was sitting on the bed, while Dad was sitting on his study table reading a book.
"Hanya, what happened dear?" Mom asked in a worried tone.
"Nothing Mom, everything's fine. Relax." I said smiling.
"Jaani, you need something?" Dad asked coming forward.
"Umm...actually, I wanted to ask for both of yours permission." I said looking down.
"Now this is what I don't like, dear. You and Zarine are same for me. You don't have to ask for permission, just order it." Dad said smiling.
"What do you want, Hani?" Mom said patting my head.
"Can I visit Mama? I'm missing them alot and since Zain is also not here, so I thought can I go and stay with them for a while?" I said.
"You want to visit them? Only this much? Tell me when do you want to go and I'll arrange it right now." Dad said taking out his cell phone.
"If it's possible then I want to go tomorrow only." I said.
"Now, you go and sleep peacefully. You'll get all the details tomorrow morning." Dad said smiling.
I thanked them and went out of their room. After freshening up and changing into my night dress, I sat down on my bed, putting my hair to the side. My cell buzzed. I looked and it was Zain. It was a video call. Must be to see Adeel, I thought.
I wrapped a stole around me and picked up his call.
"Assalamualaikum" I said
"Walekumasalam" he replied back.
It's been three weeks since we had last talked. He looked so tired and he has also lost some weight.
"How are you?" He asked first.
"Allahamdulilah and you?" I asked
"Allahamdulilah". Before he could ask anything I said first. "Adeel is sleeping, if you want I can call you tomorrow in the morning."
"Hanya, I didn't called for Adeel" he replied
"Then?"
"For you..."