I heard everyone's voices, I could see their eyes and their worry for me, but I couldn't move my eyes from their catatonic state. I couldn't speak, couldn't tell anyone what was wrong.
Jason showed up to drive us home since I rode to school with my mom and apparently Josie had hitched a ride from him to school earlier that day. I would've asked her about it had it not been for my state of disarray. It was like a lump was permanently lodged in my throat, and I didn't want it to go away. I didn't want to talk about anything, ever.
"Is she okay? Is this about the picture, because-"
"Jason, just leave it alone. She obviously either doesn't want to talk about it or can't, either way, we have to give her some space. Can you just take us to her house please?" she asked him, the pleading look on her face causing him to resign himself with a sigh and motioned for us with his arm to get into the black SUV waiting on the curb.
"I just don't get why she isn't saying anything..." he continued on.
I didn't quite know the answer to that myself.
"Hey, I've got Holly. You messed up, bro." I heard him say quietly into his phone. I figured it was a bad idea to go with Jason when I was in such a bad state, but I didn't really have control over my actions at that moment in time.
It figured that he would call Sebastian at my most vulnerable moment, the one where I needed him most but resented him more than I ever had resented anyone before in my life.
I wanted to sigh in relief and cry at the same time knowing that he would be there waiting for me when I got to my house, but of course that was the most conflicting feeling I could have.
The car ride was short, the trees whirring past my window and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't concentrate on anything besides the rushing in my ears and the thickening in my throat. I couldn't cry, I wouldn't. I knew I wouldn't stop once I started.
All I could think about was that picture. He had been wearing his signature white t shirt and his dark jeans. She was pushed all up against him, his hands resting on her shoulders like he was embracing her, her limbs wrapped up all over him like they didn't have a care in the world.
And then I thought about my father. How could my parents have betrayed me for so long, not telling me that my life had pretty much been an entire lie? They were never planning on telling me that my father wasn't who they had always said he was, and I could probably have understood if they had planned on telling me at least sometime in the future when I got older.
But no. They were never planning on telling me anything.
I wondered about all of the times that all of my friends would talk about how much they looked like their mom or dad. Looking back, I realized that my mom never compared how I looked or how I acted to my dad. That was because he wasn't even my real dad at all.
My head was spinning a million miles a minute, so fast that I didn't even notice Sebastian standing by my door when we pulled up to my house. I realized that I didn't want to go home. They would all just trap me and force me to talk about things that I was in no way shape or form ready to talk about.
I thanked my lucky stars that I was wearing my white Converse high tops because as soon as Jason came around to open my door and I saw that pensive, apologetic look on Sebastian's gorgeous features, I bolted.
I had barely made it five steps before he started yelling my name to stop, but I refused. I had to get away from him, away from all of the pain that he had caused me. All of the pain my mom had caused me.
I couldn't handle it, the torturous look in his eyes.
I cut across my green lawn, noticing that both of my parent's vehicles were in the driveway. Maybe they were waiting on me to tell me who my real father was, or that they were getting a divorce. I couldn't wait until they got a divorce, save everyone else around them the misery of being privy to all of their dirty gossip in the middle of their knock down drag out fights.
I could tell that Sebastian was chasing after me at first, but when he saw how serious I was about getting away from him, I knew he was going to give up and get in the car and follow me that way. I was ready for that.
I headed for the tree line adjacent to my childhood home, the leafy green lushness of the trees and foliage inviting me in. I knew where it led to. I wasn't stupid, I knew I would end up in my neighborhood park, but it was just the knowledge that I would be able to get away from them without them being able to follow me in the car that comforted me.
I just wanted to be alone.
I had to be alone.
I pumped my arms and my lungs diffused its oxygen quicker than I expected. I was really out of shape.
"HOLLY! STOP!" I heard him scream when he must have realized exactly where I was headed.
His voice faded into the background as the trees whipped and whizzed past my vision, the black hole in my chest fading along with him.
I realized that the more I pushed my body, the less pain that I felt stirring within my soul. I pumped my legs harder, my breathing becoming all the more labored but still I continued on.
I jumped over stumps and large, gnarly roots that threatened to throw me into a disarray, a metaphor for the ugly mess that was my life.
I didn't care about the cuts twisting across my arms from the branches cutting into my skin, the scarlet liquid painting me as if I were its canvas.
I finally burst through the tree line and found myself among the monkey bars and swing sets.
My childhood happy place.
I kicked a few rocks on my way to my seat on the slide and contemplated how quickly my life had become such a bedraggled mess.
My life was fine before I met Dylan. And then everything just seemed to spiral.
And then everything started looking up when I met Sebastian. It was as if the world had a pinker hue attached to it whenever he was around or whoever I would think about him. He made me happy.
Until he didn't.
And that was the misery of it all. I had based my own happiness off of the actions of someone else. Did I even know how to make my own self happy, or did I need to be in a relationship at all times?
I knew my value and I knew my worth, but I needed to find out who I was without someone ruining my happiness before I even had a chance to taste it.
It was n't like Sebastian would ever get a chance to make me happy again-all the pain and regret he'd shown me in those few moments of looking at his face told me all I needed to know.
He had cheated on me-if cheat was even the right word to use. I mean, obviously we weren't really even dating but we had kissed and we had an emotional connection like I'd never had before-with anyone.
And I thought that was what stung the most, the first time I had ever fallen, truly fallen for someone, and he did exactly what Dylan did to me.
The lowest of the low, scumbag from hell.
A rustling in the trees caught my attention and my ears perked up in curiosity.
There was no way that anyone had found me so quickly. I calmed down a bit to try to return to my tumultuous thoughts when a dark figure stepped into my view.
He was older, maybe thirties. He was wearing dark sunglasses which was inconsistent with what he was wearing-a dark black suit from head to toe.
He looked like a body guard or a hired gun for someone very important. I looked behind him in the direction he had come in and saw that even though he was only a few yards away, he was at the perfect vantage point to shoot me with the taser in his hand.
I had barely enough time to see a black SUV pull up behind him as the electrical current buzzed through my entire being and I felt as if I was being lit on fire from the inside out.
I could hear a scream ring out in the cold night air and barely had time to register that it was my own before my head hit the concrete below me and my vision went black.