Do not be ashamed
of the wars you soul has fought,
to save itself.
-isra al-thibeh
***
The wolf walks beside me. I let my hand stay upon his back, idly trailing it up the grove of his spine- taking in the course roughness of the fur- before I run it back down.
He did not mind.
We walk for several hours. I don't tell the male that my side hurts from the effort it takes when climbing up the slopes of the mountain. It would serve no purpose to our trip. And I never had been one to express my pain.
He seems to know where to go.
His steps are sure and steady as he follows an unseen path, slowly making his way forward and deeper into the mountains.
I shiver against the cold.
I at least had the good sense to take the jacket that had been hanging in the hallway. The scent had told me it belonged to the male.
I smile as I take it in. I liked having his scent on me.
"You are an only child." The wolf looks up at me. It is all right though. I've realized that wolf or human- either form would result in the same silence from the male.
"I'm not an only child."
We move forward. His ears are up, listening to my words as I continue to speak.
"I have two brothers. Vincent and Leo."
He must have noticed the way Vincent's name left my mouth because he is soon pressing his head against my hip, looking up for me to continue.
"Vincent...Vincent is the oldest..."
I pause. The male stops with me.
I look at the ground, taking in the frostbitten dirt. I don't know what else to say.
There was so much about Vincent. So much- that my mind felt like it was overwhelmed with information.
As flashbacks of the past resurfaced.
But I push aside the one memory that haunted me- unconsciously adducting my shoulder blades together- and instead grab the male's fur, twisting it around my fingers and moving forward with him.
"Vincent may be there. He may not be there. I don't know," I shrug, trying desperately to sound indifferent. "He left almost..." I quickly count back the months in my head, "a year ago...I guess it's been that long."
A low whine leaves the wolf. I laugh at the sound.
"Why did he leave? Because he could. Because he wanted a break from the constant burden of..."
I can't say the word aloud as I whisper in my mind, me.
"He went away when no one was watching- in the middle of the night. I think it hurt my dad more than anyone else. But it also made me wary of what he was leaving for."
I reflect back to it.
Dad had called the Training camp, seeing if Vincent had arrived there or was planning to attend.
They told him that he had never contacted. And Vincent never showed up.
"He may be training. But I am also."
At my words, the wolf stops. I look down at him, taking in his sudden movement.
"What?"
I scan the distance and freeze also when I take in the sight of the wolves ahead of us.
We stood upon an edge, looking down at them.
Within the rising morning light, I could just faintly make them out. Some were resting. Others playing.
My chest constricts at the sight that I cannot join.
I bend my knees, resting my body back on my heels. I ignore the pain in my side and instead turn my head to look at the male. We are almost eye level now. His wolf is large enough that he now is the one looking down at me.
Without thinking I wrap an arm around his shoulders, leaning my head against his frame and watching the sight below us.
"You don't have to go."
He turns just slightly to look down at me. I smile up, "In all reality, you really don't have to come with me. You can stay here." I look back at the pack.
He would probably choose them.
The pack that had no Alpha.
The pack that ran as a family.
That connected so well and accepted each other.
The pack that had no fighting, no challenges- no unneeded violence.
I might even choose them. Given the choice, it seems almost too tempting an offer.
I reflect on what would face me when I went back to Alba Rosa.
Dad who was always angry at me and himself. Mom who always tried to be the peacemaker between us yet failed to keep the peace within her own mind. Leo who hid behind glasses and within the clinic doors. And Vincent. Who carried a soul of suffering violence, that had already created agony on me.
A heavy sigh leaves me at the thought.
But they were mine.
My own family.
As much as they caused me pain and as much as they caused me suffering- they were mine. Mine that I had to protect.
I'm dragged out of my thoughts when I feel the male pull away. I sigh and close my eyes.
It's his choice Soraya.
My eyes fly open as I feel the warm scrape of the wolf's tongue connecting to my cheek.
"urgh," I laugh and wipe away the spit, "thanks."
I stop when I realize the male is eye level with me.
He suddenly turns away, heading back to the woods.
Back to the house.
Away from the pack.
I quickly stand, "you won't go with them?"
The wolf only continues walking.
I smile and shake my head, following behind him.
"I still haven't kicked your ass you know," I yell after him, "don't think because of this you're safe."
The male stops and sits down.
"Damn. Enough with the eyes," I mutter, taking in the slowly forming puppy eyes that were emerging onto his face.
He continues to stare at me until I sigh, "Fine. Fine damn it. Fine."
I reach forward, grabbing a handful of fur from the back of his neck. He stands and continues walking, a wolf-like grins spread across his face.
"Bastard," I whisper.
The word only makes the wolf's smile grow wider.
* * *
The male's parents do not seem concerned that we have been gone for hours.
For some reason, I find it refreshing that they do not worry.
They don't ask where we have been, or what we were doing. Instead, Camilla just smiles tentatively at me, before setting a plate of berries and other assorted fruit in front of me.
"Thanks," I grab the apple, watching as the wolf retreated into another room.
This seemed normal also- the male walking in fur instead of skin.
A few seconds later he is emerging from the room fully clothed.
He sits next to me and grabs another apple, eating the fruit.
I watch his movements from the corner of my eye.
Taking in the way his mouth fell on the flesh. How the juice stained his lips before he licked it away.
I look away when he notices my stare.
"How soon will you be leaving?"
I glance up to meet another set of grey eyes. Camilla had watched where my eyes wandered to.
I shrug, "when I can shift. I would say a week from now."
She presses her hands together. I can smell the worry off her. The anxiety that fills her skin and leaks from her pores.
"Your son is safe with me," I promise.
This doesn't appease the parents. If anything, I think this only makes them more concerned.
"Soraya...I've heard of the challenge from Alba Rosa..."
I continue to eat my fruit, narrowing my eyes at Dylan as he spoke out. His voice was calm. Level. It reminded me of his son's. But the male possessed a deeper voice than his father.
"Challengers sometimes do not make it."
I feel the male stiffen beside me.
I avoid his gaze and instead lean forward, "it is a risk."
"And yet you still will attempt it?"
"I will be Alpha."
"Why?" Camilla's voice is strained. She is looking at her son. The concern in her voice is not for me. She does not know me. It is for the male. For the fact that I may leave him just as soon as I found him.
"Is it because you are a female?" I laugh at the father's question.
The male laughs also.
We all turn to take in the sound.
I find myself leaning in closer to hear it better.
"You think that's why?"
He is smiling at his father. The male slowly shakes his head.
I feel anticipation for his next words. I lean forward in my seat, a grin spreading across my own face as he says, "you do not challenge to prove."
There is a silence followed by his words.
Camilla stares at me, her eyebrows raised as if to say, told you so.
But I understand what the male says.
"It is not about proving." He turns to me as I repeat his words, "you don't challenge to prove yourself. You challenge to win. You challenge because you have something you need to protect."
I look back to the parents.
I see their frames shudder. I had been showing dominance without even realizing it. Letting power flow through my voice and into my words as I continue, "You don't challenge to prove. I have nothing to prove to them. You think I do this because of my gender?"
I slowly shake my head, "That is my pack. Those are my members. My wolves. Mine. I challenge for what is mine. I don't need to prove anything."
I look at the male and pull back when I see the black that has invaded grey. Desire swirls hard within the air. I grin at him, feeling a thrill run through me at the scent that is coming from him.
I turn away and continue eating.
The parents stare. Dylan eyes me with a weary expression. Camilla takes me in with what can only be described as fear.
But the male does nothing. He only sits beside me in silence as we continue our meal.
re note: when you're so sleep deprived that you forget to title the chapter *face palm*