-Stella Hart-
"How have you been, Estelle?"
I was in McGonogal's office the next day, skipping lunch in favor for a cup of tea, nestled up on one of McGonogal's plush rose couches. The atmosphere was very different to the last time I was in her office, when I was busted for setting fire to the forbidden forest.
"Stella, please." I corrected her and she smiled at me over her teacup and dipped her head in apology.
"I've been good. Last week was great." I said earnestly. I wasn't embellishing either, the first week back had been perfect. So perfect it scared me.
"Good, I'm glad. And your Summer break?" She asked. My smile faltered.
I took a sip of tea to stall and McGonogal didn't miss it. Her brow scrunched in concern, but she waited patiently for me to speak.
"Manageble." I finally decided on and she pursed her lips.
"Are you sure?" She pressed and I let out a breathy laugh.
"Well I survived didn't I?"
She cocked her head.
"Life should be about more than just surviving, Stella." She said gently and my chest tightened.
"You survived the Dark Lord. You shouldn't have to go home and survive your parents too." She continued and I put my teacup down, my shaking hands unable to keep its steady.
"We could sit here and go on for hours about how unfair everything is. Voldemort, my parents, all of it. But it isn't going to change anything." I stated the fact plainly and while she didn't like it, she didn't argue so I went on.
"I'm happy here, really happy here. None of that matters now."
On that, McGonogal decided to speak up.
"But it can only last so long. Voldemort will come back and you will have to go home to your parents." She reminded me.
"Not after this year. when I graduate I can go anywhere I want and it won't be home to mummy and daddy. And Voldemort? Yeah, he'll come back, but if I spend my life living in fear of it, I won't be actually living." I told her.
Instead of a reluctant smile, I found that the smile she shared was more proud than anything and it loosened the tightness in my chest. But not all the way. Because I am a liar. I do believe that I shouldn't live my life in fear of Voldemort, I do. But it's hard not to hold an unmovable fear in the back of m mind after what I've been through.
"You continue to surprise me." She said a I rose to my feet.
"Well at least you'll never be bored." I offered and she chuckled heartily.
"Have a good day, Stella."
I giggled to myself as I turned to go, calling over my shoulder, "define good!"
And as I was closing the door behind me I heard her call back, "don't get possessed!"
I was expecting to head for the Great Hall to catch the guys and grab some lunch before our afternoon classes. I did not expect to run into Dean Carterson, standing outside of McGonogals office looking like a lost puppy.
I couldn't help the gasp that left my lips and I faintly wondered if my face was showing the panic that I was feeling.
"Dean!" I exclaimed. "What are you- um it's been a while." I stuttered and he smiled this sad smile that made guilt wash through me.
"Yeah, a while." He echoed. I couldn't help but pause, searching for the right words to say, but there just didn't seem to be any so I settled for, "how have you been?"
"Honestly?"
He took a step closer to me and I fought the urge to take a step back, my panic spiking.
"Thinking. I've been thinking." He answered and I tried for a smile which came out as more of a grimace.
"About what?" I asked breathilly.
"You. Me. Us." He said without hesitation and my stomach dropped.
"Dean..." I sighed, tucking a rogue curl behind my ear, a nervous movement that he recognised.
"I know. I know I shouldn't but things are different now, you're different. Better, like you were when we first began before everything got complicated and I wondered-"
It was too painful to let him go on any longer so I cut him off.
"Don't. Don't wonder, Dean." I pleaded and the light faded from his eyes.
"You deserve more than I ever gave you. You deserve more than a girl who tried to love you, because you can't try to love someone. It's supposed to be easy and one day it will be, but not with me." I finished, trying to put as much kindness into my words as I could.
"Easy." he echoed.
"Easy." I echoed.
He looked down at his feet for a silent moment.
"And is it easy for you to love Sirius Black?"
My lips parted in suprise at his words, spoke so badly. I thought for a moment.
"It wasn't at first and that was my fault, I was afraid. But now? Yes, it's easy to love him." I responded truthfully.
"Okay." He relinquished, stepping aside so that I could move past him, stepping aside in more way than one.
When I did move past him, I paused an placed a hand on his shoulder.
"One day." I promised him. One day he would find the perfect girl, and the perfect girl wasn't me.
He smiled. It was small but genuine.
"One day." He echoed.
I gave him a fond pat before moving away and down the corridor. When I walked, my entire being felt light but not just light, buoyant, like I could float away.
I think this is what proper happiness feels like. I think this is it, I think I made it.
How scary is that?
I practically skipped into the Great Hall, my eyes quickly focusing on the gang. I headed over.
"Hey losers." I sang, lifting one leg over the bench and plonking myself down so that I was side on to Sirius who turned his eyes to me.
"Hey Loser." I said, my voice dipping much lower than the first time and before he could reply I leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips, lingering long enough to feel him smile.
When I pulled away, he had an amused look in his eyes and he was smiling that lopsided smile that I love.
"Someone's in a good mood." He mumbled, cocking his head.
"I know, it's weird right?" I replied, turning and grabbing and apple from a bowl on the table and taking a large bite into it's ruby red skin.
"I keep waiting for it to end," I continued through a mouthful of apple, swallowed then continued, "you know? Surely it can't be this good all the time. Surely there's a thresh hold of how much good, how much happiness a person can handle before it all turns to shit and-"
I had started to ramble, the fear bubbling up inside me but Sirius took matters into his own hands.
"Stella!" He cried, cutting me off so that my nervous words died on my lips. He took the apple from my hands and placed it on the table then he grabbed my arms, holding me gently in hs stead hands.
"Stell," he spoke my name much softer, "It's not weird, it's normal. It's normal to be this happy." He assured me. His hand moved up to my face, his thumb brushing my cheek, his fingers slipping into my hair.
"You're going to be happy everyday from now on. Get used to it." He smiled his lopsided smile that made my chest ache and my thoughts run wild.
"We're shiny, happy people now Stell." Lily's voice puled my focus away from Sirius and over to where she was snuggled into James' side, his arm securely over her shoulders. She was grinning at me, her entire face practically glowing.
"Shiny and happy? I don't know if I can handle that." I laughed but there was a serious undertone to my words. Sirius turned my gaze back to him.
"You can." He promised before pulling me in and I just melted into him, into the kiss- unable to keep a focused thought in my head when Sirius was kissing me like that.
"Ugh guys, get a room!" Remus groaned, elbowing us, but there was a playful edge to his voice. Sirius and I broke apart and I grinned.
"Sure thing moony, isn't your room free?" I asked sweetly and we all dissolved into laughter, James pulling Lily even closer, Peter giggling so hard pumpkin juice came out of his nose, Remus mock punching me in the shoulder and Sirius keeping a hand on my waist, steadying me.
It was a moment not unlike the moment Sirius and I shared on the first night in the stairwell. Merlin, I was happy. Disgustingly happy. So happy it terrifies me.
Because I don't know how long it's going to last.
I truly have no idea how many more moments of happiness I will get before it all turns to shit. I can't see into the future, Divination was always Lily's strong suit. But even she couldn't have predicted what would land on our doorstep exactly sixteen days from now.
I couldn't know that I will have sixteen days, sixteen moments of happiness before it all turns to shit. Maybe if I had known I would've savored them more, not let the fear hold me back from being truly present.
But I didn't know.
I didn't know that my life, all of our lives had become a never ending ticking time bomb, all of us waiting for it to hit zero, waiting to explode.
sixteen days.
384 hours.
23,040 minutes
boom.
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AUTHORS NOTE
It's short, it's a bit of a tease but I needed the first two chapters to be fluffy and sweet before I started throwing angst chapters at you guys again. Think of it as a breather. Stella's trying to get her shit sorted after what's happened and she finally has! (yikes though, not gonna last). Hope you guys have enjoyed the fluff!
Don't forget to vote and comment because it means the world to me and it inspires me to keep on keeping on!
*loves*
-J xx