HALEY'S POV
Hanggang ngayon palaisipan pa rin sa akin ang sinabi ni Seth. Have we met before? Bahagi ba siya ng nakaraan ko? Bakit hindi ko siya maalala? Nagka amnesia ba ako? I'm sure hindi. But I'm too young to have a memory gap.
Ayoko nang magi sip. Seth must be imagining things. At first, I thought he has a crush on me. Pero parang mas lumala yata ang hinala ko. That he might be a drug user.
Well, ang tindi ng hallucination niya, abot hanggang past life. Pinapalabas niya na nagkita na kami dati. At ako pa ang palalabasin niya na may amnesia para mapag takpan ang bisyo niya. Haay, pero sana naman wag magkatotoo ang hinala ko na addict siya.
Pero, paano kung totoong may amnesia ako? Hindi kaya ex ko siya? Pero si Vince and first boyfriend ko. At nung high school wala naman akong naging boyfriend, hindi kaya uso yun sa akin noon. Puro, MU lang.
Ayoko na talagang mag isip. Nakakaloka siya. Gusto ko sana siyang kausapin. But I can't get hold of him. Ilang araw na siyang wala. Maybe I'll just wait 'till school break when the outreach program schedule starts.
Nagdalawang isip ako kung dederecho na agad ako sa condo o bibili muna ng food. My stomach rumbles just by looking at the chain of fastfood across the street. I was kinda busy at school, at nakalimutan kong mag snacks man lang.
Sa tagal kong magdecide, I found myself at the parking of the condo. I decided to call for delivery service. I checked my phone bago ako bumaba ng kotse. No texts or missed calls from Russell. Nasa unit na kaya siya? I don't think so. It's still early and these past few days he came home late.
Nagiging habit na niya ang pag uwi ng late. Hindi na kami nagkaka usap lately. Pag magkausap kami, hindi ko na siya papalampasin pa. Sumusobra na siya.
And I was surprised to him, inside the unit, sitting and it seems that he's waiting for me. Himala. Babatiin ko sana ito, but the look in his eyes chilled me. His face was grim as he held my gaze.
"What's this?"
He's holding the box of my pills. But, where did he get it? I must have left it somewhere this morning. At ito na ang kinakatakutan ko.
"It's for..."
He cut me curtly. "I know what it is for! Why do you have this?!"
I've enevr seen him like this before. Talking to me in gritted teeth. Parang pigil na pigil siya na sigawan ako.
"Russell please, let me explain..." I was too shaken but I can't let him see it.
"Why? Give me one good reason why you're taking this, aside from ayaw mong mabuntis?"
I can see the muscle of his jaw twitched. How he probably wanted to slap me with the box he's holding. I wanted to tell him everything. Pero natatakot ako sa kanya. I wanted to tell him that I'm taking contraceptive pills. And that regulates my monthly cycle.
I know. It's my fault. I should have told him about it form the very start.
"Why? Am I asking too much from you, huh?" he growled.
What does he mean? Is he expecting that I could've been pregnant if I wasn't using that pill?
"You dont understand." I said helpslessly.
"What do you expect me to understand? Malinaw naman na ayaw mo."
Na ayaw kong magbuntis? Gusto kong umiyak. That's what I thought. It might give him the wrong impression. I kept it form him because I didn't want him to know that I am not yet capable of getting pregnant. Para sa isang babae, ito na siguro ang napakahirap sabihin.
"No. It's not like that. Pakinggan mo muna ako, please." I held his hand tight.
Marahan nitong inalis ang kamay ko na nakahawak sa kanya na parang nandidiri itoI felt like I was deeply wounded me. And now my eyes are blinded by unshed tears.
My bad. I've been careless. Kung sana wala akong balak sabihin sa kanya ang sitwasyon ko, sana man lang nag ingat ako para hindi niya malaman ang tungkol sa contraceptive pills.
"Why, are you still trying to find a way on how you would say it to me subtly, huh? Well, let me tell you this, it could've been better if you tell it straight to my face... than lie! Nagmumukha lang kasi akong tanga na umaasa sa wala."
And he threw the box on the couch and slammed the door. Nilayasan niya ako ng hindi man lang niya ako hinayaang magpaliwanag. And that hurt so much. I'm filled with mixed emotions and I can't cry hard.
I picke up the box and slouched on the couch. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pupunasan ang mga luha ko. I was deeply hurt. I've never seen him mad. I thought he was goint to hit me. Natatakot tuloy akong kausapin siya ulit. I can't imagine this sweet guy can turn into someone I never imagined. I can't bear the stares he gave me.
I cried a river and I lost track of time. It's almost 7pm na at wala pa akong nagagawa sa mga homework ko. Kahit mabigat ang katawan ko, tumayo ako para maghilamos at magpalit ng damit. I can't stay this way the whole night. Nilabas ko ang mga notes ko and I started my homework. But I can't seem to focus pag naalala ko ang nangyari kanina. How can I forget his face. I don't just see anger in his eyes, but betrayal.
We could have avoided this mess if I told him about it. I just couldn't. Paano ko sasabihin ito sa isang taong atat na atat ng magkaanak. At hindi ko maintindihan ay kung bakit gustong gusto na niyang magkaanak. Yung tipong akala mo my expiration ang mga sperm cells niya. Ano naman ang tingin niya sa akin baby machine? At kahit maging sex machine pa nga siya, with my condition, wala siyang magawa.
I held back a smile. At nakuha ko pa talagang mag isip ng mga kalokohan. Problema ko pa kung paano ko kakausapin si Russell. Hindi ko nga alam kung ko siya lalapitan.
It's past 10pm. My homework's done. I'm done with dinner. And he's still out. I fell crying again.
***
I decided to leave early. Maaga rin akong nagising. Or shall I say, I hardly slept last night.
"Hi!" masiglang bati ni Jess.
I wish I can have her upbeat mood. Ngumiti lang ako.
"Anong nagyari sa'yo? Ba't namamaga yang mga mata mo?" she stared at me in horror.
At noon ko lang napanisn na kasama pala nito si Seth. And he gave me a questioning look. Hindi ako sumagot. Nagpapasalamat ako at hindi na ulit nagtanong pa si Jess. Nahalata niya siguro na ayaw kong pag usapan ito. So, she changed the topic.
"Iniinvite tayo ni Seth sa gig nila this weekend."
She tried to sound excited but she can't seem to hide the concern in her eyes.
"Im not sure kung makakapunta ako." walang gana kong sagot.
Lumapit si Seth. "Sige na. Until 10pm lang naman yun." sabi nito.
I gave him a weak smile. " I'll try."
Nilabas ko ang mga notes ko at nagsimulang magsulat. I tried to ignore them both. But I still feel their gaze on me. Jess pulled a chair beside me.
"Is... there something wrong?" concern na tanong nito.
Yumuko lang ako umiling.
"Okay." she said seemed unconvinced.
She knows my mood and all she could do is left. Kahit na labag sa loob niya. And that's what I need to be...alone.
Naisip ko si Russell. He arrived past 12am last night. I knew it because I waited for him and pretended to be sleeping. I waited for him to kiss me, like he normally does. He didn't. Mukhang wala siyang balak makipag ayos. Kaya hindi ko na rin siya kinausap. I left my car today at nagtaxi ako, so I have a good excuse na makisabay sa kanya, just in case na magdahilan siya at iwasan ako. Para magkausap kami.
At sadyang napakabagal ng oras, parang nananadya. Kahit wala akong ganang kumain, sumabay ako sa lunch kila Jess at Seth. I'm glad bumalik na ulit ang kakulitan ni Jess. Unlike these past few things, madalas tahimik ito. At mukhang magkasundo na sila ni Seth. Pero hindi ko kayang makipagsabayan sa kanila ngayon. Mabigat ang pakiramdam ko.
At last, uwian na. I thought it would take me forever to wait for 5pm. Naunang umalis si Jess. Pero hindi niya sinabi kung saan siya pupunta at bakit siya nagmamadali. It's strange. Kahit hindi mo siya tanungin, madalas sinasabi nito kung saan siya pupunta. And she never mention about Tyler anymore. She's acting weird lately and I'm starting to get suspicious.
Seth is now out of sight too. So here I am, just like what I wanted, alone. I pulled a mirror and checked my eyes. Nawala na ang pamamaga nito. I hustled to the parking lot. And thank God, Russell's car is still there. He'll probably be here in few minutes.
Ten minutes passed by, and no sign of Russell. Then it became 20. And 30 minutes. Hanggang sa lamukin na ako, wala pa rin si Russell.
"Haley?"
He's here and I almost jumped. Lumingon ako.
It's Seth.
Nanlumo ako. Time check, I've been waiting for 45 minutes.
"What are you doing here? Kanina pa ang out natin di ba?" he asked and has his keys twirling on his fingers.
Of course, he was going to say that. It's almost 6pm at medyo madilim na sa parking lot.
"May inaantay kasi ako eh." sabi ko.
"Ganun ba? Baka umalis na. Gusto mo sumabay ka na lang sa akin?" he offered.
"Hindi okay lang, pupunatahan ko na nga siya eh. Sige mauna ka na." at naglakad ako pabalik sa campus.
"Gusto mo samahan na kita." pahabol nito.
I waved at him. "No thanks. Ingat na lang."
Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung saan ko hahanapin si Russell. Ayoko siyang tawagan kasi gusto ko personal ang una naming pag uusap.
I initially searched the gym. Pero walang tao. Then at the pantry. And it's empty. It's getting dark, so I hurriedly left the area.
I headed back to main building. I wa son my way to the soccer field when I heard voices. Sa canteen nagmumula ang ingay. Pinuntahan ko ito baka makita ko si Russell. Marami pang mga estudyante sa loob. As if there's a celebration.
My eyes harrowed the area. I find no familiar faces except for Kevin and some members of the soccer team. And he was there, sitting on his back on the door. Kevin saw me at tinuro ako kay Russell. Lumingon ito. At lumingon din ang katabi nito na babae.
I stopped right there, at parang nanikip ng konti yung dibdib ko. I just noticed, they were sitting in pairs. Kung kanina parang gustong gusto ko siyang kausapin, ngayon parang umurong ang dila ko. I wanted to run away.
Before I can move, he stood up. Shock registered on his face when he saw me.
"Ba't hindi ka pa umuuwi?" tanong nito.
Para na rin niya akong tinanong kung ano ginagawa ko dun. Like I'm hovering. At gusto kong manliit sa hiya pero hindi ako nagpahalata sa kanya. I faked a smile.
"I left my car. Sasabay sana ako sa'yo kung pwede."
Lumingon siya sa mga kasama niya sa table. " Baka mamaya pa ako uuwi. Despedida kasi ni Mike. He'sleaving tomorrow. Biglaan kasi." sabi nito.
"It's okay, I can wait here." I insisted.
Hindi ko papalampasin ang araw na ito nahindi kami nagkakausap. I'm sure late na naman siya uuwi mamaya. At hindi naman siguro ako nakakaistorbo sa kanila kung sakali.
"I can take you home then babalik na lang ulit ako dito." he suggested.
I feel like he's kicking me out. He doesn't want me stay. At pakiramdam ko, umiiwas pa rin siya. At hindi ako magpipilit na makipaglapit sa kanya kung hindi pa siya handa.
"No, don't bother. Sasabay na lang ako kay Jess. Sige, una na ako."
I turned away and did not wait for his answer. Sinabi kong sasabay ako kay Jess kasi hindi ito papayag na magtaxi ako. At ayoko nang ganun, yung mapipilitan lang siya na ihatid ako.
"Are you sure?" habo nito.
"Oo, thank you na lang." And I was out of the door.
Kulang na lang takbuhin ko ang main gate. Naiiyak na naman ako. And I think I'm over reacting. Pero nasasaktan talaga ako. At the same time, naiinis. Bakit kailngan pa niyang bumalik? It isn't not enough that he spent almost one hour with them? That's how long I waited for him at the parking lot.
And the expression of the girl beside her still etched on my mind. Parang tinaasan ako ng kilay at inismiran ako. Ito kaya ang isang dahilan kung ba't ayaw pang umuwi ni Russell?
Is he fooling around? We're married and it's not fake. Hindi ako makahinga. Like my heart is laced with so much pain... and rebellion.
Nag abang ako ng taxi sa tapat ng school. Then a two-door silver Porsche stopped in front of me. The one I saw at the parking lot. The window rolled down.
" Hop in!"
It's Seth.
Bumaba siya at pinagbuksan ako ng pinto. "Saan ka ba umuuwi?"
"Diyan lang sa The Crown."
He drove in silence. Isang pagbabago na napansin ko sa kanya simula nung naging magkaibigan kami. May time na makulit siya, but he knows when how to keep his mouth shut. Kagaya ngayon.
Naiilang ako sa sobrang katahimikan, kaya sa labas na lang ako tumingin. Napansin ko ang park malapit sa school. The view of the setting sun is tempting. May mga estudyante na kaupo sa damuhan at gumagawa ng projects. May mga iba naman na nakahiga na 'tila nagpapahinga. Nakakainggit sila.
"Pwede bang pakibaba na lang ako sa park?"
"Hindi ka pa ba uuwi?" tanong nito.
"Hindi muna, magpapahangin lang ako. Pero hindi rin ako magtatagal." sagot ko.
Ayoko munang umuwi. Pag naiisip ko ang eksena sa canteen, I feel like suffocated.
"Dito na lang. Wala kasing parking na malapit dun. Medyo malayo ang lalakarin mo." he parked at the side.
"That's okay.Thank you ha."
Pababa na sana ako nung inawat niya ako.
"Can I come...kung okay lang sa'yo." he hesitated.
I smiled at him. Pabor ito sa akin. I can just leave my stuff in his car para hindi na ako magbitbit.
"Sure. Hindi naman tayo magtatagal."
It took us three minutes to reach the entrance of the park. People are scattered everywhere. Mostly are students. I found a perfect spot for us, near the fountain. I sit on the grass. I want to relax and stretch my feet. Natatawang gumaya si Seth. He lied down beside me as he gazed at the bundle of clouds. And he closed his eyes.
I.m starting to appreciate his behavior. Akala ko makulit talaga siya at madaldal. Pero hindi pala. He can be quiet at hindi siya palatanong. Pwede naman siyang magtanong kung bakit ayaw ko pang umuwi. Just like what normal friends do. Pero hindi.
He's also a sensitive person. He knows if something wrong is gong on. But he knows how to respect what silence means. He doesn't pry. He knows the value of privacy. But he made you feel that he's there, by your side.
I glanced at him, peacefully lying on the grass. I resisted the urge to pinch his pointy nose. I realize d he's extremely attractive. Especially whe he flashes his alluring smile, showing his pearly set of teeth. He still has his arrogant and chinky eyes tighly closed, so I still get to study his fair and smooth face longer. If Russell was out of the picture, posible siguro akong magkagusto sa kanya
May girlfriend kaya siya? Mali, ilan kaya ng girlffriend nito? Being the vocalist of a popular band, girls come and go. And all he has to do is choose.
Ano kaya ang tipo nito sa isang babae? Magugustuhan niya kaya ang isang tulad ko? I dismissed the idea immediately. What was I thinking? Here I am, at may problema pa kami ni Russell, and still have thoughts in mind.
Nang may naramdaman akong malamig na pumatak sa mga hita ko. Umuulan. Kinalabit ko si Seth na mukhang nakaidlip na.
"Let's go, umaambon na."
Nakakailang hakbang pa lang kami, and the rain poured. Nagkatinginan kami. We have same thing in mind. We smiled at then we ran. And most of the people in the park did the same. We're both soaking wet when we reached his car. Buti na lang pala iniwan ko lahat ng gamit ko sa kotse niya.
Kaya pagdating sa condo, hindi ako pumayag na hindi siya pumasok at magpalit ng damit. I kept some of Hans' shirts. Nakakahiya rin sa kanya. Nagmagandang loob na nga siya na ihatid ako, nabasa pa siya ng ulan.
"May washing machine sa gilid, you can dry your pants." I handed him Hans' shirt.
"Hindi na, okay na'to. Salamat na lang."
"Sige na, it won't take long, baka magkasakit ka, sige ka." I gave him a towel para mahubad niya ang pants niya.
Kahit labag sa loob, wala siyang nagawa kundi kunin ang towel sa kamay ko. At ibinalik nito ang t-shirt ni Hans.
"I'll just wash my shirt then." And he made his way to the bathroom.
Pumasok ako sa kwarto para makapagpalit na rin. Paglabas ko ng kwatro wala si Seth. He must be at the laundry area. So I decided to prepare sandwich and juice at dinala ko ito sa gilid ng unit. Only to find myself dumbfounded seeing a half-naked Seth in front of me. The towel is loosely wrapped on his toned waist. One hand on his waist, and the other is holding his phone to his ears.
He must have felt my presence. Humarap ito.
I was sept away. Geez, he's more buff that I thought. Those sinful muscles are hidden on his loose fit shirt. He must be working out. His upper body muscles are firm and defined, all the way down to his abdomen. He sizzling hot.
I stepped back nang makita ko syang papalapit. Tumalikod agad ako. Ayokong mabasa niya sa mukha ko ang iniisip ko.
"You might wanna grab a bite."sabi ko at dumerecho ako sa dining area.
I know he's just behind me At hindi ako makatingin nang derecho sa kanya pagharap ko. I can't accept the fact that I was juts scrutinizing his delicious male anatomy. Ugh, did I just say that?
Kumuha siya ng sandwich. "Ikaw ang gumawa nito?" he took one bite.
"Oo, bakit anong lasa? Hindi ba masarap?"
Kumagat ulit siya. "Pwede na." natatawang sagot nito.
Pwede na? Kaya pala mas malalaki at sunod sunod ang kagat niya sa sandwich. Inirapan ko siya. Natawa lang ito.
I was thinking of something to say to fill in the awkward silence. Nang maala ko ang huling sinabi niya. Kung hindi ko ba siya maalala. This could bt the perfect time to ask, but as soon as I could say sonthing about it, the machine buzzed and he walked away to check his laundy. Better luck next time.
Pumasok siya ng banyo dala ang mga damit niya. At niligpit ko na rin ang mga kalat sa mesa. He got out of the bathroom with his pants on, but still shirtless.
" I have to go. May dadaanan pa kasi ako. Thanks for the snack.' sabi nito.
He's on his way to the door and about to slip his shirt on, when it door opened. Sabay kaming napatingin ni Seth sa pinto.
And I was like frozen when I realized who it was.
It's Russell.