--
"Stabbed."
Niall stared up at the doctor, eyes widening. The word was clanging in his head, almost like it was trying to convince him to believe it. "What?"
"What d'you mean, stabbed?" Louis asked, one hand pulling Eleanor tightly against him. Harry shifted uncomfortably in the other side of the room.
"Stabbed?" Liam repeated.
"Yes," the doctor said. "Right in the hip. And the knife tore an artery under his skin."
"But - but -" Niall stammered. "They found him alone!"
"Its very possible that the attacker ran off before they found your friend," the doctor said. "Once he realized how much damage he caused."
"How much damage is that, exactly?" Liam cleared his throat, face pale.
"Destroyed a right artery," the doctor said. "He's undergoing surgery now with a specialist, and he's going to need a blood transfusion immediately."
"Are there any donors?" Eleanor gasped.
"We're trying to find one with the same blood type, but if we can't do that in fifteen minutes we'll just take an O," the doctor said. "O blood types are international donors, so it'll work too, but his own blood type is definitely more effective."
"Why do we keep ending up back here?" Harry murmured, his back pressed hard against the wall, at least four metres of space between him and Louis.
"Your friend's in the ICU," the doctor said. "But thank heavens he was brought here so quickly. Any more time wasted, and he wouldn't be alive."
Niall felt the breath leave his lungs in a sudden, crippling swoop.
"Oh, and one more thing," the doctor said, staring directly at Niall. "While performing the medical exam, we found mysterious scars all over his body. We're not sure what they are, although we do have our suspicions. Do you have any idea as to where they may have come from?"
The air suddenly got harder to breathe, and in that instant Niall didn't know where to look. Of course he knew the scars. He knew them all too well. The scars were the reason that any of them were here at all - and it had been going on for too long, hadn't it?
"If you would like to discuss this more confidentially, I can take you to -"
"Zayn has issues with self-harming." The words blurted themselves out before he could hold them in.
"What?" Louis sucked in a sharp breath, eyes swiveling to burn directly at Niall. "What the fuck is going on?"
Beside him, Eleanor's face was ashen, clinging tightly onto Louis' arm like she was holding a lifeline.
"He cuts himself," Liam said, his voice clearer than Niall's had been.
"You knew?" Harry sounded incredulous, turning on Liam. "How do you know? Why didn't the rest of us - he could've said something -"
"It was private for him," Niall said flatly, the words cold and bitter like wet sand in his mouth. "He promised he wouldn't do it, but he's a liar."
"I told him to talk to me whenever he felt like doing it," Liam breathed out slowly, frowning and running a hand through his hair. "He just never listened."
Harry's face was getting paler every second. He seemed to be floundering for words, and Niall didn't blame him. "God - Zayn, why? Why would he ever even think of -"
"Is that why you were so mad at him the other day?" Louis asked quietly.
Niall nodded, suddenly reminded of that day, which felt like forever ago. Him screaming, shoving Zayn and yelling at him. The dash in the car, the cookies, the accident. The coma and then the things Zayn had told him. The kiss. Everything.
Liam seemed to remember that the doctor was still standing there. "Um - so when can we see him?"
"Tomorrow morning," the doctor said, then offered them a small smile. "He'll be alright, don't worry. This could have gone a very tragic way, but it didn't and I think we are all very grateful for that."
"Thank you," Liam exhaled, watching as the doctor left. He sat back in the chair, running a hand through his hair. Then he looked up at the boys and Eleanor. "Are you guys all right? Anyone hungry, thirsty?"
Niall thought back about what Zayn had told him about Liam going through the hardest time because he tended to worry about everyone else as well. With a sudden rush of affection for the big-hearted boy, Niall gave him a quiet pat on the shoulder. "I can handle dinner tonight."
"Yeah," Eleanor said, picking up quickly. "I'll buy the boys something to eat."
"You need rest too, Lima Bean," Harry said, his voice thick but steady. "We - we can handle it for a while. Go home tonight. Call up Danielle. You need to focus on yourself."
"No, I couldn't just leave -"
"You've done enough, Liam," Louis said kindly, in the softer tone that he rarely used with anyone but Harry. "Zayn will be fine, even if it doesn't always feel that way when we think about it. And it's one night, we'll be okay."
"Yeah, we'll see you again in the morning," Niall said.
"Are you sure, because -"
"Yes, Liam, honestly," Harry insisted. "I may not have exceeded the mental capacity of a five-year-old yet, but look, we have Eleanor around. What could go wrong? She's basically our mother."
Eleanor rolled her eyes, but she was smiling a little.
"Yeah, you're right," Liam said after a moment, contemplating. "Okay, yeah. Just for tonight. I'll go to Danielle's, I haven't seen her since this whole thing started."
"Exactly," Louis said, pushing Liam out of the door. "Go get her, Ten Inches."
"Make sure everyone eats," Liam called back. "And remember vegetables, you've gotta keep your strength up! Niall's pills are in the drawer of his room, Eleanor can borrow some pajamas from Louis for tonight, I'll call later on to make sure everyone's doing okay! Oh and Harry lay off the chili, you've had too much of that and Louis remember to limit your caffeine and alcohol, Niall don't even think about doing any vigorous activity, I'll-"
"Liam, I am going to physically shove you out of the room and lock the door if you don't go," Louis warned, lightly nudging Liam outside. It took another few minutes, but eventually they were on separate sides of the glass doors, with a locked handle in between to stop Liam trying to come back in.
"I'LL CALL TONIGHT!" Liam yelled from outside. "DON'T TRASH THE PLACE!"
Once he was gone, Louis took a seat next to Niall, tapping his arm gently. "You alright?"
"I'll be fine," Niall said, even though he felt like he was lying through his teeth. "I'm just disappointed in Zayn, you know? I trusted him to control himself, or at least just talk about it. And he didn't do either, so look where we are now."
"I know how that feels," Louis said, his voice quiet as he flicked a quick glance over at Harry, who was talking to Eleanor. "Believe me."
"What's going on with you and Harry?" Niall asked suddenly, realizing that it had never occurred to him to find out. "Are you still upset with him because of what he said yesterday?"
Louis rubbed a hand over his face, exhaling. "I"m upset with Harry for a lot of reasons right now, Niall. But yes, what he said yesterday is one of them."
"What's happened? The two of you never fight for this long."
"I know, and he knows it too," Louis looked like he was trying not to glance at Harry, but was unable to stop himself from looking every couple of seconds. "He's been texting me, leaving voice messages, trying to talk... I know he's trying, because he really is. He sent me three paragraphs today saying sorry and that he misses me. He never does that, you know? He never types that much for anyone, ever, but he did this morning."
"Do you?" Niall asked.
"Do I what?"
"Do you miss him back," Niall said.
Louis was inadvertently glancing back at Harry again as he spoke, then looking away quickly as if trying to stop himself. "He's my best friend, Niall. Of course I miss that dickhead back."
"So what's the problem here?" Niall frowned, confused. "Why not just accept his apology and go back to being as disgusting as the two of you always are."
Louis swatted at him for that, then smiled a little. "It's - it's fucked-up and complicated, Niall. I'd love to rant on about the whole thing to you, trust me, but it's late and we're both tired, yeah? Just leave it for now."
Despite the burning curiosity to find out what had really happened, Niall didn't pester him. He settled back against the pillows as Eleanor brought in some steaming hot water and dropped a few packets of instant noodles into the pot.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wondered how Zayn was doing.
--
When Zayn woke up, he saw bright, blinding white light.
His first thought was that he was dead. And then he saw the nurse standing over him. When he turned a little, a searing pain spread through his right hip, and when he put a hand to the spot, he found that it was covered in thick white gauze.
"Don't touch it," the nurse said.
He looked at her. "What's happened? Where am I?"
"St Joseph's Hospital," she smiled kindly. "I'm Avery, remember? I usually help out with your buddy Niall."
"Niall?" Zayn said, trying to sit up, thoughts coming back in starbursts. The sudden movement sent jolts of pain through his side. "Where is he?"
"He's still resting in his ward," Avery said.
"And where am I?"
"In the ICU, but you'll be discharged to a normal ward tomorrow morning," she told him, then reached into a bucket and pulled out a wet sponge.
"I'm in the critical unit?" Zayn asked weakly, a wave of nausea enveloping him. "What happened?"
"You were stabbed, the attacker ran off," Avery pressed the cold wet sponge onto his burning forehead, speaking in a calm and controlled manner. "Some concered strangers found you bleeding out on the pavement, and they dragged you here. There were specialists on hand waiting to do an immediate operation and blood transfusion on you, and everyone thought you were going to die, but the doctors managed to save you."
"Oh my God," Zayn whispered, his mind reeling with all the new information.
"You're a very lucky man," Avery said, wiping his face and neck with the sponge coolly.
Zayn put a hand onto the bandage over his hip. "What do the others know?"
"Everything," Avery said as she dipped the sponge back into the cold water. "We had to tell them."
Zayn closed his eyes, thinking about the way they probably huddled outside together in the waiting room, anxiously waiting for news. "They must've been worried about me."
"Very," Avery told him. She got up and took the bucket with her. "I'm going to put these away and replace your dressings, alright, I'll be back in a while."
Zayn watched her go out the door, then reclined back into his pillows and shut his eyes again. His hand subconsciously kept touching the bandages on his side. Pain, pain... why did it hurt? He could almost - no, there had to be a reason, because the pain was so familiar, so searing...
And suddenly - like a flashbulb going off - it all came back to him.
The memory flooded his mind; walking through the street in the darkness, the burning pain over his body like being burned alive with wildfire. The scream that tore his larynx to shreds, the blood and the thick sickening scent. The terror.
Across the room, the door creaked open.
"You've got it wrong," Zayn said suddenly, the sickening realization slamming into him. "Avery, all of you were wrong."
"I'm not Avery."
Zayn opened his eyes, going still when he saw Niall standing against the door. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to visit you," Niall shrugged, walking over and sitting beside him. His presence seemed to emit a warmth that Zayn felt immediately. "That's what people do, you know."
"Niall, you didn't have to," Zayn told him quietly. "You need to rest."
"What I need," Niall said firmly, "is to see you. So here I am."
Zayn didn't reply as Niall took one of his hands in both of his, pressing his lips down on the fist gently.
"How are you?" he watched Niall, eyes wary and throat still dry. "I'm - I'm sorry about walking out on you the other day, there was so much going on in my head, and -"
"I'm okay," Niall interrupted, and then in the same breath, "I missed you."
Something made of glass inside Zayn's chest shattered suddenly, and he could feel the shards embedding painfully into his heart from the inside out. "I missed you too, Niall."
"Listen, Zayn, I just - I'm sorry, all right?" Niall told him. "I know I've been being really pushy these few weeks just because of how intensely I've been feeling about you, but that was selfish of me and I know that. I need you to know that - we should just take our time with this, yeah. We'll figure it out slowly, even if it means it doesn't work out the way I want it to. And, uh, there's no need for you to be pressured into doing things or feeling things that you don't want to, okay, because I don't want you to change who you are for me."
Zayn swallowed all of Niall's words down like sharp medicine. "Why are you telling me all of this now?"
"Because," Niall said, his voice slowly growing taut with pain. " Because I was so close to losing you tonight, and to think that I would never see you again - I can't take that, Zayn."
Zayn sighed. "Niall, there's something I need to tell you. You're going to hate me for it, but you're the only person I can tell."
"What is it?" Niall's eyes grew slightly dilated.
"What they told you - it was wrong. They said I was stabbed, didn't they?"
"Yes..." Niall said, wary and careful.
"Well," Zayn fidgeted. "I wasn't."
Niall felt the blood in his veins turn to black ice. "What?"
"I wasn't stabbed," Zayn repeated slowly. "Not in - not in that way."
"I don't get it," Niall said, his face gradually going pale. Something in his voice made Zayn think that he did get it, he just didn't want to believe it. "What way?"
"I was walking to the hospital, to see you because I felt so awful about the things I'd said, and - and it was just this sudden urge, Niall, I didn't see it coming, and it was so strong, I felt like there was nothing else that mattered -"
"Zayn, please."
"I was all alone, no one could see, and it was just taking over me, and -"
"No. God, no, please, no."
"And I can't describe it, Niall, I just wanted to see myself bleed out there in the middle of the street - I, I had a penknife in my pocket, and -"
"Stop," Niall pleaded, voice jumping up a few decibels in anxiety. "Please stop, I don't want to hear anymore."
"But the knife was blunt and it wasn't doing much, I just thought that if I hacked harder - I'd get some sort of reaction, and - and I didn't even realize how bad it was, until I fell over and the pain was killing me and there was blood everywhere -"
"No!" Niall shouted suddenly, recoiling in horror. "No, you're lying!"
Zayn looked away, heart pounding inside his chest. "I barely even knew what I was doing until I started bleeding like that. Some kind of - of disassociative thing, I don't know."
Niall's eyes were red, but even though he was struggling to breathe there were no tears on his face. It looked like he was too shocked to even cry. "Zayn, you're lying, this isn't happening, you can't have stabbed yourself -"
Zayn tried to reach for his hand, but he pulled away, shaking his head and speaking so fast that it was impossible to understand the incoherent, stressed syllables.
"Niall, I'm still here and I'm alright," Zayn said quietly. "This doesn't change anything."
"This changes everything!" Niall yelled, his entire face white and ashen like paper. "Zayn, you almost killed yourself - because of some stupid fucking urge!"
"That's not - no, Niall, you don't understand," Zayn's voice rose, trying to keep his temper down while Niall exploded beside him. "I've just been thinking about it for so long -"
"You were thinking about killing yourself?" Niall's voice finally cracked like frozen glass, the tears burst free and started running down his pale face. "Do you even know what I'd do without you?"
"I'm sorry," Zayn whispered, his heart sinking, invisble lead weights yanking it down into his stomach where it boiled in the acid. "I'm so sorry."
Out of nowhere, Niall flung his arms around Zayn and pulled him into a suffocating, crushing hug, breathing hard into his shoulder like he was trying to stifle the tears and not quite succeeding. There was a prolonged period of time while they just sat like that, with Zayn being so startled he didn't know how to respond. He'd expected Niall to lose it and start hitting him, not break down and hug him.
"I love you, alright? I don't know how many times I have to say it for you to understand," Niall buried his face into Zayn's neck. "But I do."
At those words, Zayn wrapped his arms around the other boy's shoulders. For a second, despite the raging internal conflict, the war that left abrasions in his mind and over his skin, there was a moment of stillness, of silence.
Zayn turned his head a little, and his mouth touched Niall's softly, briefly. His stomach plunged through his body, a hundred butterflies let loose inside him. For a while, Niall's mouth brought a spark of warmth into the blackness clouding his mind. A sudden sweetness bubbled into him, making his head spin and the strength leave his knees.
Niall pulled away slowly, using one hand to wipe off the tears on his face and the other to run through Zayn's messy hair, combing it gently back into place. "It's okay," he said. "Everything will be okay, I promise."
"I'm so, so sorry, Niall -"
"No," Niall shushed him. "Forget it, what matters is that you're safe now."
Zayn ignored the regret and pain stabbing into him, focused on the warmth that Niall was trying to give him. He leaned into Niall, pressed his lips close to the boy's ear. "Do you love me?" he whispered.
Niall's hands entwined with Zayn's. "Of course."
"No, what I meant is-" Zayn hesitated, then lowered his voice again so that he wouldn't shatter the atmosphere. "Do you see me?"
"I don't understand."
Zayn pulled back, pushed up the sleeves of his jacket to reveal the uncountable red scars on his wrists and arms. For the first time, he willingly subjected them to the heat and scrutiny of Niall's gaze. "Do you see me?" he repeated. "Do you see who I am? Do you know where I've gone?"
"Zayn," Niall said softly. "It's going to be okay."
"Do you see me, Niall?" Zayn asked. "Do you know how far from everything I am?"
The tears had filled Niall's eyes again. "I know it hurts, Zayn. I know."
Zayn shook his head, Niall's spark in his chest was slowly dying out, slowly pushing him back into the numbing darkness. "No one does," he said bitterly, pushing his sleeves back down. "No one knows how much it hurts."
Niall looked like he was struggling on what to say, but still trying his best. "It's okay, Zayn. Everything's okay. We'll work through this, I promise. All you have to do is be brave, and things will get better."
The door opened again, and this time Avery came in with a box of dressings. "Niall?" she said. "What are you doing here?"
"Visiting Zayn."
"No, you're supposed to rest," Avery said protectively. "I know how to take care of Zayn."
"I just wanted to see him -"
"Listen, you're both really weak right now, and you both need to rest, alright?" Avery said. "You can see him in the morning."
"I love you," Niall whispered to Zayn, his lips brushing his cheek lightly before he pulled away reluctantly. "Sleep well, yeah?"
"Goodnight," Zayn told him, and watched as Niall slowly took his time to leave the ICU.
"That boy," Avery said, shaking her head as she sat down and opened the box of medicine. "Sometimes I swear he's in love with you."
Zayn shrugged innocently as she slowly started to remove the bloody bandage from his hip. "So," she said. "Apparently you've got a girlfriend."
"What?"
"He said you're not single," Avery said as she put some antibiotic lotion onto the wound and picked up some more gauze bandages. "Is that true?"
"Uh - sort of," Zayn paused, confused on how to explain. "It's complicated. We don't really know what we're doing. Just messing around. But we're kids, y'know, nothing serious. For now. I mean - I don't know. It's, like. Yeah, complicated."
Avery smiled as she finished applying the bandages. She leaned down, slowly brushing her hand over his hair. "Well," she said, her voice almost a purr. "If you're ever looking for some real non-confusing fun, you know who to call."
Zayn said nothing, staring at her in confusion as she pulled away and smiled at him. Avery took the box of medicines and left the ward, shaking her hips a little more than necessary.
Zayn switched off the light, pulled the blanket up to his chin. It had been a long, long, long night and all he wanted to do was sleep the rest of his life away. Niall would probably be getting ready to sleep in his own ward a few floors down too. Zayn's chest loosened at that thought, and he wondered if Niall was thinking about him too.
Closing his eyes, he turned onto his uninjured side and let himself drift quietly into sleep. Maybe this was just a prolonged nightmare, and he'd wake up soon to be safe, sound and happy.
Maybe things would be better in the morning.
--
(Things aren't always better in the morning.)
--