Winter 2022
Alex
"Liam!" I yell after him as I see him hurry down the hall of the hospital.
He looks over his shoulder, a smile growing on his face when he sees it is not a colleague or a patient, but his best friend.
"What are you doing here?" He wonders.
"Transferring someone," I explain, "a lovely old-lady, ready to go home."
"I see. Well let's hope this one gets to see her home," he says, and I hit his upper arm.
He's referring to the fact that lately supposedly stable and discharged patients seem to crash before they even get home. It has given me a reputation on the team and in the hospital, but so far only one person actually died. I think it is their fault for discharging them too soon instead of me being a nurse of death. So I can laugh about it, knowing no one actually thinks I'm bad luck.
"Well, you know me. If not today than later."
"Of course. So are you ready for tonight?" I ask him and his face turns ashen.
"I'm trying not to think about it," he snaps. "Now you have to remind me."
"It will go alright, Liam. She'll say yes."
"I know, but it is fucking scary to do."
"I wouldn't know."
"Well, Harry does. He told me when he was proposing to you, and honestly, I thought he wasn't going to make it."
"He didn't seem that nervous at the time though. It will go alright. You shouldn't make it bigger in your head than it is."
"But it is a fucking big deal, Lex. Getting married is a big deal," he says, clearly scarred of the prospect if Nina says yes.
"Look at me and Harry, has so much really changed since we're married?" I ask him, and it is a genuine one. Now that I think of it, I still feel the same a year later. I don't feel more mature or anything. All that has changed is that we live in a house and maybe there is a deeper connection between us.
"No," Liam concludes. "Maybe not so much, but it is a huge step. You can't deny that."
"Of course it is, and it is okay to be nervous. Let me know how it went, okay?"
"I will, got to run though. Don't kill anyone!" He yells over his shoulder and I laugh as I watch him leave.
****
After I have successfully brought back a lovely old patient home and responded to some emergency calls my partner of the day is nice enough to drop me off back home. I'm happy that in the end we found a place we both like the location and the actual house of.
"Thanks for dropping me off," I tell Sandra who I work with often. She's my senior in years and work as well. "See you Monday."
"Enjoy your weekend off, love," she says.
"Of course, you too. Bye!"
"Bye!" she yells after I shut the door, watching her drive off.
Sandra is the one I work with the most and who trained me when I first started out. She's almost fifty years old and has a daughter my age. Maybe it is the fact that she could have been my mother and is nice and proud of me that makes me so happy to work with her. It is much better than working for Nano.
Harry isn't at home yet. He's still at Stories finishing up his last client of the day. Then he's coming over with Jason and expects to have something to eat. I don't mind cooking at all, but I am tired so I give myself some time to relax in the living room.
The house we found in the end was a bargain because a lot of work needed to be done and so far all we've really been able to tackle is the kitchen en living room. That leaves the bathroom that is still in a nice color pattern of brown and green tiles. After moving in I scrubbed it entirely, grossed out by it, but by now we're so used to it that we're also not really in a hurry to do something about it. For now it is a perfect home with a small terrace at the back where the sun shines late in the evenings, a small kitchen and a large living room where we watch a lot of TV and have a dining table where many guest have already eaten our meals.
Jason stays over a lot of times since he not the smartest with his salary and can use a free meal every now and then. I like having him around since he's always happy and brings out the best in Harry. He also only knows us as a couple and isn't judgmental in any way. All and all he's become not only a great tattoo artist but also a friend for the both of us.
After a short but sweet nap I manage to make something with the remains of or fridge right in time for them to come home. As always they open the front door with some trouble and come barging in still talking loudly about something that happened to their day. Harry barely notices me, but does lean in to give me a kiss before sitting down at the table.
It's the little things of him that still bring a smile to my face. How he sits down and already starts to eat from the salad I made instead of waiting for us all. The way he throws his phone on the table as if to the end the day, but not being able to totally leave it alone after every notification. His eyes follow me around in a way he might not even notice himself. He's sweet to Jason who apparently decided to break up with his latest girlfriend and listens to him as Jason reads texts aloud.
"She sounds like a bitch. How can she expect you to always be there for her, and make enough money?" Harry says and I can't hide a little sniffle.
"What?" Jason wonders, wanting my opinion on his love trouble.
"She's not expecting you to always be there for her, she understands that you have to work. But she might just expect a little bit more love and care during the day. Attention like a text or a call during break can be enough for some of us girls," I say and Harry can't hide him rolling his eyes. "Some of us. Other's want attention all day long, that's right."
"She has too high standards," Harry adds to prove his point. "And I don't get why money should be an issue. That's your own business and not her problem."
"Well, it is if I can never take her anywhere. I can't expect her to bring her on a date here."
"No, not this one. I don't like her," Harry says, "but other's are more than welcome."
"Are we pimping out our house?" I ask him and Harry can't hide his smile.
"For Jason, yes."
"You don't have to," Jason laughs. "You're not my parents. Although you sometimes feel like you are."
"Well, that does it for me, Jason. I'm only a couple of years older than you. I can't possible your mother."
"No of course not, but you are like a base here in London. That's what I mean. This is home for me, too."
"Oh," I look at him, blinking a couple of times, "if you put it like that then you are more than welcome to have the house for a night. It might be the only reason Harry is willing to leave it and do something fun with me."
"The same goes for you, love. You can't expect me to give you full time attention and make money at the same time," Harry says, directing himself to me.
"You could if you'd let Jason pay rent for one night. You'd earn money, and be able to do something fun with me."
He rolls his eyes again, making Jason smile.
"You fight like my parents as well," he then says.
It makes me laugh, and I put a full pan of Bolognese sauce on the table, Jason getting up to get the spaghetti. "And you act like a child as well."
"Well, I'm only helping," he moans, sitting down with me.
"Thanks."
Jason gives me a little smile and we all start to eat, the boys soon going back to their favourite subject which is of course tattoos. After we've finished dinner and Jason helps me clean up, I find Harry on the couch, going from channel to channel.
"I'm off. Thanks for the meal," Jason says, kissing my hair for a moment.
Harry only waves to him from the couch, and then continues his search for something good on TV. That leaves me to the task of seeing Jason out. Not that he doesn't know which way to go, but for some reason we still do it whenever he's here- which is a lot.
"You're welcome," I tell Jason. "You know you're welcome to stay whenever, right?"
"I know," he sighs. "Honestly, you guys have done so much for me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay you."
"You don't have to. Maybe we do think of you as our kid, and we wouldn't ask them to pay us back."
"Do you want children?" Jason asks as he stands by the front door, waiting for my answer. "I mean, I think you'd be great parents."
"Harry wants them," I answer and he nods in a way that tells me that they already discussed this sometime. "I have wanted children since I can remember."
"But?"
My mouth opens as I want to give him my usual answer. But: we just got back together, now is not the time, we're still children ourselves, we're not financially stable and I can go on and on with excuses. Only this time there is no but. Jason knows us, knows all those reasons aren't true.
"I don't know," I tell him in all honesty.
"Well, for my sake, wait a little while. If you get pregnant then I'll have to find another place to crash."
"You can be our au-pair," I say to him, making him smile. "Meals would still be for free."
"I'll hold you on to it," he says, stepping outside but not before he gives me a hug.
When I first met him it was something I needed to get used to, even more than Harry who still isn't into sharing me with anyone else. We both realized quickly enough that there's nothing behind his hugs and kisses on my cheek or crown. It is who he is, and I like him for it.
I watch him go before I actually close the door, the aftermath of our suddenly serious conversation still in the back of my mind. When I enter the living room and see Harry having settled on something about the planet Mars on the television, I see the father of my children. But now? I don't know when else.
"Hey," I whisper, sitting down next to him on the couch and letting him hold me close. No matter how much I have grown to like Jason's hugs, Harry's are by far the best. When he holds me, I am my most content.
"How was your day?" He wonders, his hands already trailing my skin. "Did granny survive?"
"Ha ha. She lived. As did everyone else."
"So you had a good day?"
"I did. Got to rile up Liam for a bit. He's proposing tonight."
"Oh fuck, I forgot about that," Harry says, trying to get up from the couch. "I was meant to call him."
"Don't call him now. He's about to do it and if he'd really needed you, he'd call himself."
"True," he says, letting himself fall back in the comfort of the couch. "It is nerve wracking to do, you know."
"I wouldn't know. Have never had to do it."
"Terrifying," he adds, ignoring me.
"Why then?"
"Because there is the possibility of rejection. Even if you'd have said no like some sort 'I don't need to marry you to express how much I love you' it would have still sucked. Or simple total rejection that would mean the end of it. You're putting your relationship on the line. Try doing that. It is fucking terrifying."
"Well, if you put it like that. Maybe we should just sent an encouraging text."
Harry nods and managing to get off the couch to walk to the kitchen where his phone still is. He gives it to me before he sits down again, expecting me to text on his account. He's also become very lazy.
"Good luck, is that enough?"
"Yeah," he says, biting the skin next to his nails as he watches the telly.
"I want to discuss something terrifying as well," I say, wanting to copy his action of biting my nails out of nerves. "Are you listening?"
"Hmm," he replies, his eyes still on the television as he mindlessly keep working on his hands.
"I think I want children."
"Oh," he mutters, understanding where I'm going with this. "Fuck."
"Well, yes, we'll need to do that," I say as he turns himself to me.
"Are you serious?" He asks, ignoring me once again.
"Yes, I am. I mean, terrifying like you said, but sure."
"Sure?" He repeats, his eyes trained on me as if he can't believe it.
"Yes, you have always known I wanted children, I just lost faith in myself along the way. Had my doubts but I realized that those are all gone. There's no reason to not try if we both still want it."
Now I feel the nerves creep in that Harry spoke about. Putting yourself on the line, risking everything you built together. The silence lingers on as he lets my words sink in, making me wonder if I dreamt him ever wanting children. Jason made it look and sound as if he even discussed it with him, but maybe they only ever spoke about the fact that I don't want them and that Harry is fine with that.
For the past year we have had the most pleasant life. Our fights have toned down and when they happen they usually result in ignoring each other until the anger fizzles away. There's a peace within ourselves that didn't happen overnight but took me a lot of therapy, switching medicine and finally accepting that I'll always need some help and that that's okay. Harry simply grew older and matured over the years. That doesn't mean that he tells me everything or doesn't keep me waiting sometimes as he works overtime. We're both not perfect and experience our ups and downs, but the best part of it is that we're able to do it together.
We're a normal, average married couple with stable jobs, a house that needs work, family issues, friends who are more mature than us and friends who still live as if they're teens. We're somewhere in between of it all. Harry the one I rely on the most and I know it is the same for him. We're a team already and I believe we'd be good parents, but he once laughed at the idea of it. Later he said he pictured us as a family, not just a couple, and right now I wonder what he thinks.
"It would be nice to give an answer. Even if it is negative."
"It's not negative," he says, scratching the back of his neck. "You know it is not. I'm just comprehending this all. After all this time I simply believed you'd never be brave enough to go for it."
"I'm pretty content with the way our life is right now, yes. But I want to try. I always wanted it."
"I know, I know," he mumbles. "I guess I just never thought you'd want it so soon."
"If it is too soon then we can wait."
"No. Let's try right now," he says, grabbing my legs to pull me closer over the couch.
"It doesn't work that way, Harry," I say, giggling as he starts to kiss my neck. "I have to stop birth control, get my period first. It might take a while."
"Who gives a fuck," he rasps, pushing me down and straddling my hips. "Practise makes perfect."
Harry of course has a valid point there and I don't argue when his lips travel down and his hands push down my pants and I soon feel him everywhere. Totally forgetting about my best friend proposing to his long time girlfriend, and not hearing the sound of an incoming text, telling us both that she said yes.