"Cathy!" Steph shouted as we stepped through the front door. "Where the hell is she?" Steph asked as we made our way to the kitchen.
"She didn't say she was going out and the front door is unlocked, she can't have gone far." I'd been helping Steph and Brian move the rest of Brian's things over to Steph's place.
"Awww man..." Brian held his son out in extended arms as we made our way deeper into the house, "Ace the little dude has made a mess. Help me out here?" He whined.
Steph snorted, "Not a fucking chance Haner. I got the last two, consider it your turn."
"You love to torture me woman," Brian complained.
"Pffffttt. I let you drive didn't I?" Steph smirked.
"That was not up for negotiation." He raised his eyebrow at her.
"Brian, there's still a change table in Harper's bedroom, you can use that," I interrupted. After a day spent with Brian, Steph and Baby Haner I knew that if someone didn't step in they'd banter back and forth for hours until the unholy stench wafting from the baby's bottom engulfed us all.
"So speaks the voice of reason," said Brian with a shrug and disappeared in the direction of Harper's bedroom.
"Ha," said Steph, "I knew I'd win that round."
I was about to tell her that her victory hadn't been certain when the shrill sound of children's voices shouting "Uncle Brian!" interrupted me. Steph and I looked at each other in surprise. Matt's boys?
It had been nearly four weeks since Val's funeral. Matt had finished that day a broken man and as the days went by he seemed to be getting further away from finding a way to deal with his wife's loss not closer.
Cathy was standing in the kitchen looking flustered when we entered the room. "Oh thank god. Is Brian with you?" she breathed in relief.
Steph glanced at me with a frown before answering, "He's just wiping the devil child's butt. Why?"
Cathy dropped onto a stool with a curse.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Steph asked all concern. Cathy sighed, worry evident on her face, and gestured for us to follow her. She led us through the family room and out on to the back patio. There sprawled on a sun lounge was Matt. He limply clutched a whisky bottle to his chest and looked to be asleep.
"Fuck," Steph breathed heavily. Matt opened his eyes and blinked in attempt to focus on her. I'd seen him almost every day so his appearance shouldn't have been a surprise to me but every time I saw him I couldn't help but feel shocked. His hair and beard were both so wild it looked as though he'd come in after months lost in the bush.
"Heeey," Matt slurred, "it's Steph. And Caitlin. Are you going to bring some light into the darkness Sunshine?" He waved his bottle in my direction.
My heart sank. He was wasted. Again.
"Jesus. Where the fuck is Jeff?" Steph exploded dragging Cathy and me back inside.
"Later ladies!" Matt called after us.
"At a conference," Cathy and I answered Steph in unison.
"What about the others?" Steph narrowed her eyes at Cathy. Cathy shrugged uncomfortably.
"They don't want to help him out?" Steph was horrified.
"No, no. Of course they want to help him out," Cathy rushed on. "It's just that it's Jeff and my turn and I forgot about Jeff's conference."
"Your turn?" Steph was incredulous. "You guys are taking turns to watch him destroy himself? Why do Brian and I not know about this?"
"You guys have been busy with the baby..." Cathy began.
"Johnny, Zacky and Brooks all have children," Steph interrupted an unmistakeable hint of hurt in her tone.
"And I was going to say you guys have been helping out with Michelle. Brian's ex-wife. That has to be stressful enough for you," Cathy continued.
"Shit." Steph scrubbed her hands over her face. "Well we're fucking here now." She turned on her heel and strode off calling, "Brian!"
Cathy looked at me, tears in her eyes, and said, "I think I hurt her feelings."
"She'll get over it," I shrugged. I looked over my shoulder toward the patio. "Has he been here long?"
"Long enough," Cathy answered heavily.
"Do you want me to sit with him for a while?" I asked. Cathy nodded in relief. Grabbing up a couple of throws from the sofa I went outside and threw one over Matt before wrapping myself in the other and dropping onto the sun lounge next to his.
"There you go, it's chilly out," I said.
He turned his head and blinked at me a couple of times. "I'm not really feeling much," he said waggling the bottle in my direction. "You want some?"
"Sure, why not?" I answered taking the bottle from him in relief. The last thing I wanted was to suck back whisky and join Matt in his misery but some nights I'd had to watch Zacky or Johnny or Brooks wrestle the bottle away from him so I was glad to take possession of it with such ease.
"Are you going to read to us tonight?" Matt asked softly.
"I don't know that you're up for the fire swamp." I tilted my head to the side to look at him.
"Is it scary?" he asked a faint smile tilting up the corners of his mouth. The first one I'd seen from him for a few days.
"Terrifying," I responded.
He looked at me for a couple of beats before dropping his head back and closing his eyes. "Can't be as fucking terrifying as my life right now." He waved his hand in my direction in a silent request for the bottle.
I was wondering how long it would be before he became more insistent in his demand for the return of his whisky bottle when I heard footsteps. I looked to the doorway and saw Brian stepping outside his face pinched with worry.
"Shadz, man...." Brian sat on the edge of Matt's sun lounge and began talking to his friend in a low voice. Taking the opportunity offered I rolled to my feet and took off toward the patio doors the whisky bottle clutched tightly in my hand.
"Sunshine," Matt called after me. I knew what he wanted so I kept my head down and kept right on going. "Caitie! Caitlin!" he roared. Reaching the relative safety of the kitchen I dashed a lone tear from my eye.
"I really didn't think confiscating alcohol from drunk and grieving rockstars was going to be part of my job description when I signed on to be your assistant," I said to Cathy with a weak smile.
"Sorry, I didn't think that it would be," Cathy apologised, "but please take it as the compliment that I intend it to be when I say that you seem to have the knack for it."
"Yeah well I've had a few years of dealing with hormonal teenagers wielding craft knives." It was a weak joke but sadly kind of true.
Brian and Matt's raised voices were drifting through to us from outside. "Fuck, he's bad tonight," Cathy murmured sharp lines of worry creasing her forehead. She reached for her phone and began to dial. "I have a bad feeling about this, I'm calling Zacky. He offered to come over but I told him not to worry, he's been with Matt almost every night with this week. The guy needed a break."
I decided that it was prudent not to mention that Cathy and Jeff had been there for Matt just as much as Zacky had. They needed a break just as much as he did.
Steph stepped back into the room just as Cathy drifted over to the window to look out over the patio and began to speak. Steph looked from Cathy to me, her raised eyebrows asking a silent question.
"She's talking to Zacky." I propped my hip against the kitchen island and set the bottle down.
"You look tired," Steph wasn't being unkind but her words still kind of stung. 'You look tired' was usually code for 'you look like shit'.
"It's been a big day," I responded flatly and thought longingly of the excessively comfortable bed in the spare bedroom of Brian's apartment. In theory I'd been sleeping there but lately more often than not I found myself sacked out on a sofa somewhere.
"My parents haven't been keeping you awake with noisy sex have they?" she smirked.
I looked at her incredulous. Did she really have so little clue how bad things had been with Matt? Or maybe she just had no idea how badly I slept even before all of this had happened.
Cathy cut in, "Zacky's on his way." I heaved a sigh of relief.
"Do you need a hand feeding the children?" Steph asked.
"Pizza's on its way," Cathy answered her still looking out the window. "Shit! Incoming!" she exclaimed leaping toward the whisky bottle I'd left sitting on the island. She was too late. Matt staggered into the room at a fast clip with Brian hot on his heels and snatched up the bottle just as Cathy's fingers ghosted over the label.
"That wasn't very nice of you Sunshine," Mat slurred, eyes glittering, as he waved an admonishing finger at me.
"Yeah? Well whoever said I'm nice?" I challenged wishing I'd thought to empty the bottle or at the very least hide it.
Matt snorted as he staggered back toward the sofa in the family room. "These guys say you're nice. My kids say you're nice. My parents say you're nice. Steph's parents say you're nice. Val's parents say you're nice," he choked a little over her name but then he turned to look at me his lips pulled viciously back from his teeth as he spat, "Everyone says you're nice but I don't fucking see it."
My heart stopped for a moment at the harshness of his words and I forced the lump in my throat back down into my chest. He was angry and grieving I was simply his latest target.
Cathy, Steph and Brian all looked at him with open mouthed shock but it was Brian who seemed to recover first.
"Hey asshole! That was uncalled for!" Brian frowned following Matt to the sofa. He was clearly torn between concern for me and concern for his friend.
Matt shrugged as he slumped back onto the sofa. He slid the bottle firmly between his knees as he leaned forward to pick up a video game controller. "And now for my next trick watch me make some little bitch online cry when I kick his ass." His mouth quirked up insolently on one side but I noticed his eyes slid briefly in my direction.
"Are you okay?" Steph whispered hurrying to my side.
"I'm fine." I did not sound fine. I sounded better than I felt but I most emphatically did not sound fine.
The doorbell rang and I bolted toward it, relieved to be saved by the bell. "Pizza's here. I'll grab it." I called over my shoulder. I hadn't been hungry since Val's funeral which was fortunate because when I flipped open the boxes I realised that there was an abundance of pineapple and meat on the pizza's I had taken possession of, not much to tempt a vegie fan like myself. I dumped the pizzas in the kitchen without making eye contact before hurrying off to summon the children.
I'd just managed to persuade Harper that pizza and not chicken nuggets was exactly what she wanted for dinner when Zacky arrived. Johnny and Brooks followed him into the kitchen.
I watched on as everyone gathered around the kitchen island and stuffed bites of pizza into their mouths apart from Matt who drifted into the room and stealthily retrieved another bottle of whisky from Cathy's liquor cabinet. I was tempted to say something to him, to draw the attention of the other guys to what he was doing, but I didn't want to say anything in front of his boys. So I stayed put, perched up on a kitchen counter sipping mineral water. As Matt slunk silently back to the sofa, like me he wasn't eating, I looked up to see him watching me. His eyes flickered quickly from my water glass to the pizza boxes and back again before he realised I was looking at him. He turned his head and brought the bottle to his mouth.
I pottered around the kitchen stacking empty pizza boxes and tossing away crumpled napkins as Cathy and Steph brushed children's teeth and put them to bed. It was pretty clear that there was no way it was going to be possible for Matt to take his kids home. He was far too wasted. Every so often the sound of male voices drifted toward me from the family room. I tried to ignore them but I still felt like I was spying.
As I wiped down the marble countertops I got lost in my own thoughts thinking that maybe for once I'd be able to head home. If you could call the spare room at Mel and Aaron's, or more accurately Brian's, place home. I wasn't certain that I did. The sound of raised voices had me snapping to attention and dropping the dish cloth.
I rounded the kitchen island and stepped into the family room to the sight of a seething Matt towering over a red faced Johnny. Brian, Brooks and Zacky watched on warily.
"Take it back!" Matt roared. A vein was throbbing at his temple. Brian reached out and pressed a hand to his shoulder. Matt shook him off.
"Matt," Johnny began in a firm voice. I edged up next to Zacky being careful to not get too close to the line of fire.
"Fucking take back what you said about my wife Johnny!" Matt was spiting with fury.
I turned to Zacky in startled shock. "He said something about Val?" My voice was almost a whisper.
"It wasn't like that," Zacky hissed back at me, "he didn't mean it like that!"
"Matt I didn't mean it like that. I was just trying to help." Johnny tried again. To give him his credit in the face of Matt's rage he stood his ground and didn't back down. I heard footsteps behind me and realised that Cathy and Steph had joined us.
"You said Val wouldn't want me. How does that fucking help?" Matt's fists were clenched at his sides and any minute he was going to take a swing at someone, most likely Johnny.
"That's not what he meant. He was just trying to say that it's not good for your kids to see you like this, that's all he was saying," Brooks offered in a soothing tone. And Brooks' soothing tone was pretty damn soothing, like chocolate sauce over vanilla ice cream soothing. Matt was still narrow-eyed with anger but the veins popping in his neck eased up a little.
And then Zacky, who clearly couldn't stop to think before he opened his mouth, spoke, "Come on Matt. He's right it's not good for your kids. Val would hate to see you like this. She wouldn't recognise you. Do you really think she'd want her kids raised this way?" My heart sank and I wanted to slap my palm against his forehead and ask him what the heck he was thinking.
Matt beat me to it. Moving faster than the level of alcohol in his blood stream should have permitted he spun around and swung a punch at Zacky. I felt the breeze of his fist go past my face and stepped back in alarm. Cathy and Steph let out little squeaks of surprise and Brooks and Brian grabbed for Matt before any more of his punches made contact. Johnny stood blinking in surprise that when the blow came it hadn't come in his direction.
"Fuckin' asshole!" Matt was practically foaming at the mouth, not helping his own case that Zacky's words were out of line. Freeing himself from the restraining hands of Brooks and Brian Matt staggered toward the door. "Fuck you all!"
"Matt what about your boys?" Steph asked softly as she made her way to Brian's side and slipped her hand into his.
Matt turned and pinned her with a narrow eyed glare. "Did you just miss that? Apparently I'm a fuckin' menace to my kids." He surveyed us all with a cold eyed look before turning his back on us.
"C'mon man. Don't you see? Through my divorce, Zacky's divorce, Jimmy's passing, we all pulled together. We were all there for each other. Let us help you. You need us. We understand, we know you're in pain." Brian's mouth was a tight line as he called after Matt.
"You don't know shit," Matt spat over his shoulder as he continued walking.
"Fuck," Zacky said rubbing his jaw, "we got there with Jimmy. He has to get through this. He's got to find a way to move forward. We've survived grief before." The others murmured in agreement.
I looked at them incredulous. My heart was racing and tears were pouring down my cheeks. "Are you people for fucking real?" I screeched. "Can you even hear yourselves? We feel your pain? We've lost people too? You actually went there with him? You spouted off those platitudes and thought that it would make everything alright? You actually thought he'd cut you a break. Have you ever lost a spouse? The person you promised to love until death do you part? He's right, you don't know shit."
As I took off after him Steph caught at my arm. Her eyes were wide with horrified understanding. "I'm sorry," she mouthed silently. Cathy had her hand to her mouth and her eyes were wet with tears.
I burst out the front door to see Matt stumbling around in front of his car digging around in his pocket. He gave me a wary glare and said, "You fucking told them off, huh?" as he triumphantly produced his keys.
I gave him a steady look and held out an imperative hand in his direction.
"What?" he asked playing dumb.
"Give me the fucking keys Matt unless you want to drive off and get in a car wreck so someone else's family can go through exactly what you're feeling now," I growled dashing my tears from my check with the back of my other hand. The fact that I'd lost control enough to start swearing at people made me want to cry even more.
His face paled as he took an unsteady step and tossed me the keys. For a drunk guy his accuracy was pretty good. I strode around to the driver's side and the car beeped as I pressed the unlock button on the key fob. I opened the door and slide behind the wheel. I leaned over the centre console and pushed the passenger door open. Matt just watched me dumbfounded.
"Get in."
He obeyed silently and copied me when I secured my seatbelt.
I started the car and turned to look at him. "Now, tell me where you want to go."