It was horrible. And almost impossibly cruel.
Somehow Jeff and I'd managed to persuade Matt to let his boys sleep, the last truly untroubled sleep that they were likely to have for a while, so after Matt brushed a kiss over each boy's cheek Jeff wrapped an arm around his shoulder to lead him downstairs. I followed silently, unsure of what to say or what to do. I knew better than anyone that platitudes helped no one and left the recipient feeling exhausted with the effort required to form some sort of response. As I pulled the bedroom door closed Matt turned to me and spoke. "Thank-you...oh god I can't remember your name."
"It's okay I don't mind. My name is Caitlin." I touched his arm gently.
"It does matter. You were Val's friend. You cared for our children when the worst possible thing that could ever happen to them destroyed their world. I should have remembered your name." Matt's voice was ragged, like he'd been screaming, and his expression was broken. I could see he hadn't yet been crying and I worried that when the dam finally burst it would be devastating.
"Matt, you've never even met me in the flesh before. How could you be expected to remember my name? Believe me, remembering my name should be the least of your concerns right now."
Jeff squeezed his shoulder with a look of compassion and propelled him onward toward the stairs where an anxious Cathy waited at the bottom. My stomach fluttered with nerves but they were no longer the nerves of excitement from earlier in the day now the fluttering in my stomach was the nerves of an interloper. I felt like an intruder in a moment of private grief.
The scene downstairs could have been described as chaotic if it hadn't been so eerily silent. As Jeff slowly led Matt into the family room what little conversation there was ceased. The room seemed full of people and I recognised from my brief Skype interactions with them, and shamefully Pinterest, the members of Matt's band. Like a wave rolling in from the ocean the guys surrounded him.
I drifted to the wall by the doors to the kitchen and propped myself there watching silently as Cathy joined Steph and the other girls. I'd met Meaghan, Kelly and Lacey a couple of times but our friendship hadn't developed as much as my friendship with Cathy, Val and Michelle. I noticed that Steph was holding Baby Haner and there was no sign of Michelle. My heart began to race with panic.
"Where's Michelle?" I asked and when no one answered me I forced my voice out a little louder. "Where's Michelle?"
Steph turned to look at me registering my presence. "They admitted her to hospital. They had to sedate her."
I breathed out with relief as my heart slowly returned to its normal pace. I scrubbed my hands over my face. "Okay, that's good." Steph looked at me blankly. Shit. "I don't mean good...Hell I don't know what I mean." I babbled.
The girls all drifted to the sides of their respective partners holding on tight. I found my eyes drawn to Matt who was seated on the sofa hunched with over his elbows on his knees and his hands gripped tightly together. He was just staring blankly into the middle distance. Cathy and Jeff sat on one side of him and Steph had positioned herself next to him. Johnny had pulled one of Cathy's occasional chairs over and was leaning forward talking to him softly. Everyone was in tight little groups trying to make sense of what had happened. I kept to my spot hugging the wall, reluctant to intrude any further into their grief.
"Hey, Caitlin right?" A male voice startled me and I realised that I must have been staring at Matt. I turned to see Brian standing beside me the baby propped on his hip. At any other time I might have found myself a little awe struck by how good looking he was but all I could think was how he was a picture of stoic grief. I hated myself a little bit for how much I wanted to paint him.
"That's me," I answered my cheeks scalding with shame at my wayward thoughts.
"I'm Brian," he said his lip giving the faintest quirk of friendliness. I was impressed he'd managed that.
"I know. We kind of met on Skype."
He gave me a nod of acknowledgment and asked, "Do you know where Cathy and Jeff keep the whisky? Matt needs a drink."
Oh thank god. Something to do. Someway to make myself useful. "Go sit. Be with your friends, I'll sort it out. Leave it to me."
With a murmur of thanks Brian turned and made his way back to Matt, perching on the sofa beside Steph. With relief I slipped through the kitchen doors and pulled bottles of whisky and bourbon from the cupboard where Cathy and Jeff kept them stashed. I splashed two fingers worth into one of Cathy's crystal tumblers and took it through to Matt. He looked up blankly as I handed it to him and then tried to force a smile to his lips. "Thanks Caitlin." My heart broke for him.
"There's no need to thank me Matt. I'm here to help. Let me know if you need anything."
He swallowed hard and gave a brief nod of agreement. I turned from him and slowly made my way around the room offering beverages to those who needed them.
I made cup after endless cup of coffee and poured glass after endless glass of whisky. My own pain and memories were a reopened wound throbbing beneath the surface of my skin, at times it was almost physical, but I didn't – couldn't – let it stop me from trying to offer some measure of comfort to the shattered and bewildered group watching the sky gradually lighten to dawn.
What should have been a night of joyous reunion turned into an endless night of mourning. I'd done my own fair share of mourning in the past but never had I felt like so much of an outsider. It was like I spent the night clutching up the broken pieces of Val's friends and family who gathered in Cathy and Jeff's living room in a fruitless attempt to stop the jagged edges shredding them and those around them into ribbons.
I stood in the kitchen my forehead resting against the fridge when I heard a throat clear behind me. I lifted my head and looked over my shoulder to see Zacky leaning against the kitchen island an empty tumbler in his hand. The whisky bottles covering the island were all empty so I reached into the cupboard beside the fridge and retrieved a fresh one. It was some kind of horrible luck that Cathy had been preparing for a party. Silently I unscrewed the bottle and tipped some into his glass. He took a sip and then asked softly, "Aren't you having one?"
I shrugged and took a swig from the bottle, a move much more fitted to my sister or Steph. I shuddered at the burn of the alcohol in my throat.
"That's one way to do it I guess." Zacky took another sip before setting his glass down on the marble with a clink.
I took another swig from the bottle before screwing the lid back on and putting it on the island with its empty brethren.
"Fuck," Zacky hissed through his teeth and I took a close look at him. The brilliant green of his eyes was surrounded by red. This guy hadn't been too numb to cry, judging by the tears rolling down his cheeks he hadn't stopped.
"I don't know if this is better or worse than when Jimmy passed. Fuck, at least then it felt like we were all equal in suffering. But this? Val was my friend but she was Matt's wife. How the fuck can I even begin to know how he feels?" He swiped a finger under his eyes.
"You can't and trust me - right this moment? – he's not feeling much of anything. This will all still feel like a horrible nightmare to him." I began to gather up empty bottles and began dropping them into the recycling bin.
"How do you know?"
I offered him a sad smile, "I just do."
Miraculously neither Matt's boys nor Harper stirred when I erected the portable baby bed in the bedroom they were sleeping in. Cathy had looked at me blankly at first when I asked if she had a travel cot but eventually we'd worked out that what I called a cot she called a crib. I'd finally persuaded Brian to let me put his son to bed, both Brian and Steph looked exhausted and although there was no chance of either of them sleeping it was best for both them and the baby if they put him in with the other children.
For days people drifted in and out of Cathy's house. Matt's parents offered to take the boys with them but he refused to let them out of his sight. The boys couldn't quite understand that their mother wasn't coming back although Matt had explained as carefully as he could what had happened. Every now and then, especially when they were tired, they called for Val and you could almost see everyone's hearts breaking again. How did you explain to two small boys that their mother had suffered an aneurysm in the grocery store and wouldn't be coming home ever again?
Every night Harper and the boys would demand more of 'The Princess Bride' before bed and every night as I sat on one side of the bed reading Matt sat on the other side watching his boys with a barely concealed expression of anguish.
"Thank you," he said to me one night, "you don't have to do this but thank you."
"Val was my friend. At times like these you need friends, I'm happy to be one." I could hear voices drifting up the stairwell from the family room, Val's funeral was the next morning and a larger than usual group had gathered. I nudged him with my shoulder. "Are you doing okay? You don't have to go in there you know. You can just go crash." He'd been sleeping in one of Cathy and Jeff's spare bedrooms, most nights his boys wound up in there with him. A couple of times he'd passed out on the sofa with whoever he'd been talking to crashed out beside him.
Matt sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Nah, I can't stand being alone. It's hard though. The only fuckin' thing that can make me smile these days are my boys and that stupid fuckin' story."
"Hey you almost smirked when the Wyld Stallyns made you watch Bill and Ted for the thousandth time last night." I squeezed his wrist in solidarity and felt a tiny thrill of relief when he gave me the faintest hint of a smile.
"Iron Maiden. Excellent," he quoted as we reached the bottom step.
"It's an oldie but a goodie and those are the kind of things along with stories about pirates and true love that we need to get us through the dark times in life." I didn't bother explaining to Matt that I knew a lot about the dark times of life. He didn't need to hear about my shit when he was so deep in his own that he may as well have been backstroking through a sewage treatment plant.
Matt caught my hand and pressed briefly on my fingers before releasing it. "You're good at this." His weary eyes opened a little wider as he realised how his words must have sounded. "With the boys I mean. Val's parents are a mess and Michelle is coping about as well as I am. My parents want to help but it's not hard to see that they have no idea what to say and it makes them feel even worse. You though, you know just what to say to the boys."
"I have a little bit of experience in that area. My mother died when I was four years old." I gave a little shrug, "Dad read my sister and me 'The Princess Bride' every night."
Matt's cheeks paled beneath the beard he'd allowed to grow out of control over the past few days. "I'm sorry," his voice was a whisper, "I didn't know."
"Why should you? It's not like I wear a sign and we'd never even really met before all of this," I smiled at him with sympathy and spread my hands wide, palms up.
"Still, I'm sorry." His words throbbed with sincerity.
"Don't be. Come on, I think I heard I heard Brian's voice. He and Steph have been spending time with Michelle. I'd like to hear how she's doing." I gave him a little shove to propel him down the hallway toward his gathered friends.
He was sure as hell going to need their support for the funeral. I wanted to help, I truly did but it had only been nine months since I'd last attended a funeral and something told me that Val's funeral was going to bring back all of those dark memories for me no matter how much I tried to fight them.