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What do you do when the girl you love hates you? Or at least that's what I thought. The first night alone in my new home I didn't even sleep, I just stayed up staring at the television till my eyes burned. I wanted to find a way to hit her up but how could I do that without showing up at her house ?
Ever since I could remember I've always been able to detach. I detached from people, trauma, events and even emotion when I had to. I knew how to put things off. I knew how to put things off for years but the moment I realized that Bia wouldn't be laying beside me the next day, it envoked something in me. The problem was...I put most of my emotions away for so long I couldn't identify what it was. I was upset but I was also angry and yet...there was an empty feeling there. Like the same empty feeling I felt after I realized my dad was gone. The same empty feeling I felt growing up without my mom. I realized the potential Bia and I had.
I never regret anything. I took everything as a lesson learned wether my plan failed or not, but the possibilities of me and Bia. The possibilities of what we could have been. The missed opportunities for a baby...a family..a stable life after all the money we racked in. That's the only thing I regret, missed oppurtunities to make things right. The truth was that I didn't want to be a better man without her. There was no point in going on when she wouldn't be in my life like she had all these years. Yet and still I had to make the effort just so I knew she didn't hold hate in her heart for me. I didn't want her to cringe every time she saw me. I thought that maybe if I made some improvement it could lessen our tension. My chest physically hurt when I thought about her and I didn't understand that feeling. That feeling didn't come too often. It was physically painful to not be with her now ? How long would that feeling last ? Would it ever go away ? Was it supposed to feel this way to lose her ? I truly didn't know.
Perhaps I deserved the pain. Still, every minute was painful especially when I played back everything in my head. The night we first slept together, the night I taught her how to shoot, the day I taught her hand to hand combat. The night she cried in my arms for the first time because she trusted me enough to see her let her guard down. Our night at a carnival she begged me to go to, or some of our movies dates. Everything I had taken for granted. The emptiness of the house was enough to set me off. I hated not smelling her scent float around the house. I hated not hearing the background noise of her on the phone with her friends. I hated not smelling the food she took so much time to cook just for me. I hated not hearing the sound of her footsteps coming down the hall. I hated her thigh no longer being on me just because of the closeness she craved. I hated not looking over and seeing her sitting beside me. I hated waking up from another nightmare and not seeing her laying beside me. I hated how her hand didn't reach over and grab onto me as I shook through the night with cold sweats. The last peaceful moments we had together...I would have cherished had I known this emptiness would be waiting for me....
Six years with the woman I should have married the minute we left Massachusetts. Six years with the woman who was once the mother of my child. All those years down the drain just like that. When you've been with somebody that long in some ways you already feel married. You get used to their touch or could predict what they said next. You knew how they like their coffee and all their pet peeves. That was us, a shared comfortability. A home though rocky, was still a better home than either of us ever really had.
The first week was tough. I spent most of the week just staring out the window and blasting the house with music. Our belongings were dropped off to our homes and thankfully my stash was tucked in a special box I kept dedicated to my father. In it contained his journal, his jewelry, his cologne, his hair brush and his favorite pen. I rolled one up and finally got the relief I was looking for, the problem is that I smoked everything up by the end of Tuesday. I only smoked to lighten the mood of things and it wasn't a necessity for me to have it. However, during times like this where I felt the walls were closing in on me...I wanted it. Once I was out of that it was back to music and staring at the wall. I looked through our old albums that were sent straight to me instead of her. She wanted absolutely none of our memories...but the problems was that our memories were in almost everything we owned. They were engrained into the pillows, photo albums, wine glasses, our clothes, shoes ect. Everything carried a memory and that's why almost everything was delivered to my home instead of hers. Her fur coats were here, half of her jewelry was here...everything.
Now I was left to sort through her stuff and mine hoping one day she'd at least come get it so I could stop thinking about it. Mentally I was on autopilot until it was time to finally go to the our first appointment. I was expecting her to be there first but she wasn't. I met Doctor Nia who explained to me we'd have these hydrosleep sessions three times a week. When Bia walked into the room the noise in my head finally stopped. She didn't want to look at me and that was evident. I tried waiting for her to finish talking to the doctor but my impulsivity got the best of me. I walked beside her and I could feel the repulsed energy radiate off her. She snaps at me when I offer to go into the tank first.
" I'm trying to be nice here, and you're making it real fucking hard ", I snap back. I really wasn't mad at her, I was just hurt because she snapped first. I felt defensive when she was around because I didn't want her to take what I was saying in the wrong way. She surrendered but was still irritated.
The hydrosleep tank was painless. It felt like I was put under anesthesia for a time. I remembered every moment the machine pulled out of me.Unfortunately I had to relive the death of my father. What haunted me so much was that I didn't at least get to be there with him while he passed away. It hurt me that he passed away alone and bled out while I played ball. When I got out of the tank her demeanor changed. I left the room to change for the huts. When I came back she wasn't there. After our break I went outside to get her. I opened the door to see puffy eyes.
" Erik...", she starts.
" Don't ", I snap. I immediately cringe at my tone. It was a habit...a habit I'd have to break. The more I snapped the harder this was be for the both of us. I returned apologetic eyes to her. I led her inside and she took her her turn.
Seeing Bia's sexual abuse in foster care really churned my guts in the most literal way. I was nearly sick in the lab. Thankfully the projection cut before things got too drastic. She was embarrassed and it was written all over her face. Just like me she built up a wall when I approached her in the hut. It took her awhile to open up but then she finally let it out.
It was important to her that she wasn't a victim but I rather saw her as a survivor. We both were and though she'd never see it, I saw us as equals. The both of us had experienced the lowest points of human behavior and had endured it, survived it and moved on. We both had seen evil and looked it in the eye. She didn't believe me when I told her she was strong and it frustrated me. I guess I only had myself to blame because I didn't express to her how highly I thought of her,
" Want me to kill her ? ", I ask truthfully referencing her abuser. She laughed but I was kind of serious. She just had to say the word. Instead she insisted that the girl probably was hurting too and that it wasn't worth it. I suppose it would be like beating a dead horse since the damage had already been done but still...it still could have felt good.
After getting her to warm up to me with conversation she seemed to be less tense around me. In fact she even threw me a smile. She gave me back my fathers necklace insisting it was only for me. I watched her walk away and get escorted home. I left that appointment with some hope for the future.
I was 80 percent sure Bia wasn't taking me back but somehow our talk eased my mind. When I got back home my electronic citizenship was given to me. The rest of my share of the money was wired to me. My license was made for me and now all I needed was a car. I let Bia have our old car unknowingly which would be delivered to her tomorrow unknowingly. Since she had given me everything I at least wanted her to have something that I gave her. Why spend good money when you already had a car ? As for me, I was at the dealer the next day. My Xhosa could use some touching up but it was nearly perfect. When I didn't speak it regularly it took some time to get used to. I got a " Libyan rocket" which was believed to be one of the safest cars in the world. That wasn't the appeal to me, I just liked the look and horse power.
Two days went by since our last therapy session. I was now finally able to maneuver with ease around the city. I spent most of my time at the gym or the grocery store. I tried to get into contact with Tyler but he wasn't answering. In fact NONE of the crew was answering. Maybe me being gone was finally their chance to cut ties with me and honestly I couldn't blame them. Being here meant an end of an era. If I went back to the lifestyle I had before, Bia would probably find some way to never see me again and I didn't want that.
In the middle of me cooking dinner my phone rang. It was T, I waited a few seconds to answer it. I avoided his presence when I could but I guess I couldn't for long. I was constantly stuck between wanting to attack him or thank him for saving Bia.
" Yo ", I spoke into the phone.
" Erik. How are you ? ", he spoke cordially. I rolled my eyes at his choice of words. I heard a baby crying in the background followed with shushing and then quiet.
" I'm ok...just cookin, ', you ? ", I sighed.
" I'm well. Azari is keeping me and his mother up if you couldn't tell. We've got our hands full but we'll manage. I was just calling to ask you about the session and inquire about a business proposal. I called Bia earlier but she declined. I was hoping you'd be available ", he explains.
" Oh. Well the session was intense but it turned out for the better. B and I aren't jumping at each other's necks anymore so that's good. I got my next session tomorrow with her so hopefully that goes well too. Wh-what did you ask Bia about ? ", I become interested to even hear about her when I could. Every time I heard her name it was like I took a bump of something. T'challa chuckled knowingly.
" Well..I offered her a job as a gardener inside the palace. She said she needed some time to figure it out and wasn't sure if that's the career choice that she would be happy with. She seems to be like a lone wolf in the regard of answering to someone. I'm not here to offer you the position of the herb gardener. I wanted to offer you something that you possibly could relate to, a patrol guard. I wanted to ask you about working with the boarder tribe. Now I know this seems kind of sudden and it won't be right away but I have feeling this might be something you're familiar with. It's quite like the military in terms of structure and expectations. You'll also tend to the rhinos when you're off post and drive the boarder of Wakanda in shifts. In doing so that would also make you...a devoted protector of Wakanda as am I. So what do you say ? ", he trailed off. I took a few moments to think.
I didn't have any problems with Wakanda but I didn't have problems with the people who ran it. Yes, T and I had our disagreements but the only reason I considered protecting Wakanda was to protect Bia. It didn't seem all that bad and I knew how to be a team player in the past..however...answering to T'challa ? I didn't know if I had it in me.
" I'll have to think about it to be honest. There's a lot I have to think about. If I said yes...when would you have me start ? ", I ask.
" Right when your hydrotherapy sessions end. Three weeks from now ", he explains.
" Right ", I respond.
" I'll tell you what...sleep on it. I'll see you a few times between now and three weeks. Just let me know ...the offer will always stand ", said T'challa.
" Ight ", I conclude.
" See you later ", he speaks formally.
" Yeah yeah nigga ", I sighed, hanging up the phone.
I slept on it and I knew I was going to take the job. What else would I do ? I had to start wanting new things for myself. Becoming King and taking over wakanda was a short lived destiny...one that was hard to give up on but it had to be done. I didn't want to continue being a monster to Bia. Maybe if she saw me have a change of path it would make things even better between us and that was something I was willing to try for.
The next therapy session I met Bia at the palace. We both happened to pull up at the same time. She had looked like she was doing better since the last time I saw her. In the midst of her stepping out of her car a travel sized bottle of tequila fell out of her purse. She dusts it it off and put it back inside, sitting the bag in the backseat. She knew I saw it and that's exactly why she avoided eye contact. She shot me a quick wave and I nodded at her following her inside the palace.
" Bia, Erik, so nice to see you two again. I'm glad you both decided to return. Everything is set up and ready to go. Who wants to go first ? ", she looks between us.
" I'll go "
" I'll go " we both said at the same time. We looked at one another.
" You sure ? ", I ask her.
" Yeah. Only fair I guess ", she set her stuff down and went to go change. When she came back she went into the tank just like last time.
Bia's projection started out when she was about 15 or 16 years old. She's inside the bathroom just like last time and she's putting on eyeliner. Her hair is honey blonde, a color I've never seen on her and it's pulled back into a bun. She's taller and she looks grown but she's still got that baby face. She walks out of the room and grabs her backpack heading out of the door. She walks into the city which she lives close to. There's an event going on in the park nearby. She walks into the park and starts picking pockets. She's good at it, so good at it that nobody even notices she walked by them. In total she collected 500 dollars that afternoon. After that she goes into a drug store and steals a bag of cough drops and a small eyeshadow pallet. She sneaks it into her backpack in the back of the store where nobody was. She pays for a bag of chips to make herself seem like a normal customer. Bia then continues walking for quite awhile. Her breathing isn't steady, in fact she's a bit paranoid. The more she walks the more cat calls she gets from older men. A barking dog growls at the gate and lunges for her behind the fence as she walks by. A group of men in the distance whistle at her.
" God DAMN ! ", a guy from the yells loud enough for her to hear. She just ignores it even though there was nobody else on the side walk besides herself and the men on the other side of the side walk. She continues walking and she speeds up. Eventually one of the men catches up to her and blocks her path.
" Excuse me ", she says quietly trying to get around him.
" Woah woah woah woooahhh. Where you going shawty? I called out to you but you act like you didn't hear me ", an older guy, dark complexion, tall, tatted, muscular with a beard gets at her.
" I- I have somewhere to be ", she insists trying to walk around him. He blocks her again making it clear he wasn't letting her go.
" Can I get to know you ? I mean you look good as hell. I promise I'll make it worth ya' while ", he pushes further . She backs away.
" I really need to leave ", she looks around him looking for somewhere she can run. She looks back to the group of men moving in closer to where they were.
" Come on don't be like that ", he chuckles.
" I'm not interested ", she says politely. His face morphs into anger.
" See this why I only fuck with light brights. Bitches like you so unappreciative. Only hollered at you cause that ass was fat ", he snorts at her grotesquely.
" You came at me ..I didn't even do anything ", her voice shakes.
" And now you can walk away before I do something to you..go on ", he spits at her feet. She dashes past him panting from the encounter. I nearly bent the medal at the bottom of my seat.
She eventually gets to her destination, an old broken down house that's unoccupied sits in the distance. She goes inside and 2 girls sit inside with 3 guys. These men also look older. Her friends tell her that they invited them over and that they'd met them through Facebook. Bia is of course apprehensive but she'd come all this way and didn't feel like walking back with those men outside. Later on everybody seems to be relaxing and having decent immature conversation. The third wheel amongst the guys is very pushy. He keeps trying to get Bia to go into the back room. She says she's only 15 and she doesn't do things like that. He continues to try to coerce her and she declines each time, changing the subject or laughing it off. It was obvious she didn't want to cause a scene amongst her friends. Eventually more guys showed up and while Bia privately tried to warn these two other girls of what they were doing, they didn't see the harm.
Eventually 7 guys were in a room with these three girls. It was clear they'd only come over for one thing and Bia's friend kept trying to get her to stay. They didn't even warn her of what she was getting into. She makes up a lie and says she has to go home.
" Jerry will literally kill me ", she lies. They become annoyed and tell her goodbye. The men watch her walk out of the room likes pack of hyenas eyeing fresh meat. She books it the moment she gets onto the street and takes an alternate road back down to the city. It's getting dark but as she gets around more people she becomes calmer. She stops inside a Chinese restaurant and spends about 12 bucks on an all you can eat buffet. She makes two to go boxes after she eats her fill and says goodbye to the cashier.
" Bye rose ", she waves at the middle aged Chinese woman behind the counter.
" Bye Bia ", she waves back kindly. It seemed she frequented that store a lot.
I couldn't help but feel paranoid as it got darker out. I wanted her to beat daylight but she didn't. By the time she left the restaurant it was already 9pm. Her walk home was quick and she let herself into an apartment with a house key. A man snored in a big red recliner next to a 12 pack of beer. She's careful not to wake him up.
" BB...that you ? ", a little Spanish girl with two front teeth missing peaks around the corner. She looks no older than 8, rubbing her eyes peaking into the hallway. It was evident it was another foster child and they seemed to be the only two kids in this particular home.
" Yeah Lourdes. I brought you some food too. Are you hungry, did Jerry feed you ? ", she asks. She shakes her head no.
" Come on. Come eat ", she motions for the girl. A big grin spreads across her face as she walks to the table in Barbie pajamas. Bia heats up the food and makes the girl a plate setting it in front of her.
" I like it when you cook ", her little voice calls out digging into her stir fry.
" I know but I just didn't feel like it today and we had nothing to cook ", Bia excused.
" Well next time I'm requesting....Mac and cheese andddddddd spaghetti ", she blurts making a mess with her Broccoli. Bia laughs.
" That doesn't match silly girl ", Bia laughs and so does Lourdes knowing so as well.
" Is your throat still bothering you ? ", she asks the tiny girl.
" A little bit. It only hurts in the morning and at night time ", Lourdes explained.
" That's cause Mr.Jerry keeps it so cold in here. I got you these ", she pulls out cough drops and sets them on the table.
" Thankyou ", the little girl grins. Stirring in the living room indicates that the infamous jerry is awake. A middle aged white man with a pot belly and greying brown hair stumbles into the kitchen with his hands on his hips.
" I saved you a plate. It's in the fridge ", Bia says nicely.
" Why is she eating ? She's on punishment for spilling that damn nail polish remover all over the damn carpet ", Jerry addresses Lourdes.
" I gave it to her. She was hungry and she said she was very sorry. Right Lourdes ? ", Bia winks at her. The small child nods frantically.
" I don't give a fuck what that brat is sorry about. She think she can do whatever she wants when Carol is away and I'm not having it. Close that fucking plate and get in the bed ! ", he shouts at Lourdes.
" Jerry please. She's just a little kid ", Bia speaks up for her. Lourdes is already tearing up and closing her plate. As she gets up from her seat Bia grabs her and pulls her by her.
" What did I say would happen if you intervened with the way I discipline...again ? ", Jerry's voice gets low as he squints at her. Lourdes has her arms wrapped around bia's waste protectively.
" Go to bed. I'll sneak you something later ", Bia whispers to Lourdes. She nods and wipes her face, walking back to her bedroom. Jerry puts the plate into the fridge and pulls out his food, sitting down at the small kitchen table. He picks up the bag of cough drops.
" How'd ya buy this? You don't work ", he eyes it.
" It's for Lourde's sore throat for when she gets cold in the morning time ", Bia explains.
" Do you know how to answer a fucking question ? I asked how you got it ", Jerry snaps. Bia looks away defensively. All of a sudden the tall burly man stand up and walks towards Bia. He pats her down and then checks her backup.
" Where did you get all this money from ? ", he become increasingly angry. Bia doesn't answer.
" You're stealing AND pitt pocketing. Or whoring yourself out for the cash ? You know I warned you about that. When you get locked up in juvenile don't expect anybody to come see you. You've got no damn family and you damn sure don't got a friend in me. What did I tell you about doing stupid shit like this. Get a fucking JOB ", he scoffs.
" Jerry...you know I've been trying. It's just that nobody has called me back yet. I guess they either go with somebody else o-or they don't wanna hire me. I don't know ", Bia explains frantically.
" I'll tell you why they don't wanna' hire you. They don't want you because you're a fucking dumb ass. They don't want to walk you through the job because you've got the brain capacity of a fucking CHIMP. I don't care what you do but when you get locked up, don't call me or Carol ", he grunts. Bia scoffs under her breath from the insult as Jerry turns away. He whips around and surprises her with a slap. She didn't even flinch. They both just sit there and stare at one another while she holds her cheek.
" Since you don't know how to earn your own money like a model citizen, this will go towards rent ", he holds up the stack of 5's and 20's in Bia face putting it in his pocket. He says nothing else to her and she leaves for her bedroom. Bia lays beside Lourdes and she reads her a book until she falls asleep.
The projection ends and I'm livid. It was the first time I felt guilty. I was apart of her suffering. There weren't many men who were good to Bia and I saw that now. She grew up with tough words from male figures and I contributed to that pain. It made me sick of myself. She never expressed it, she didn't tell me all she'd been through. I used to rest on being ignorant to her struggles but I soon realized that I never even asked. She walks out of the room to change silently.
My projection was about the time I tried to initiate myself into a gang at age 12 and got jumped BAD by grown men. That situation taught me how to fight. She was bawling at the end of that. She was bawling so hard that she was inconsolable by me and excused herself for 20 minutes.
( that projection from Erik, through bia's pov will be visited the update after the next)
She came back in with puffy eyes and let me lead her to the huts. We sit there for a few minutes trying to make sense of what we both relived. I spoke up first.
" I was on the edge of my seat when you were inside of that trap house. I was terrified those men were going to do something to you ", I seethed.
" Me too ", she sighed.
" I really am sorry....Bia. I am. And I know there's nothing I can really do to make things better between us completely but please understand. I never meant to be apart of your pain. I didn't understand just how much you've been through..and even if you hadn't been through those things how I've talked to you wasn't right. I could have done better...should have done better ", I admit. She chuckled bitterly.
" I'm used to being disappointed by men but since you seem so broken up about it...apology accepted I guess ", she looks at me with a smirk.
" Don't look at me like that ", I grunt.
" Like what ? ", she giggles.
" Like I'm kind ....", I admit. Her smile fades slightly.
" You are...you just lost your way ", she explains.
The conversation fades and we both become quiet again for a few minutes.
" I'm sorry too ", she says.
" Why ", I frown in confusion.
" Cause... I've tried to fight you so many times. I've antagonized you knowing you can't hit me back and that's wrong. I didn't realize how badly you've been beaten before. I just always assumed you could defend yourself and that's...triggering. You could have snapped on me long ago and I didn't even know it. That was wrong ", she explained.
" You gotta' point but...you're nothing I can't handle. Trust me ", I chuckle. She rolls her eyes playfully.
" Except when I'm drunk ", she adds.
" You may be right about that ", I laugh.
" How are you doing though ...like seriously. You taking care of yourself...? ", I ask.
" Yeah I'm okay. I'm doing better than I thought I would. You ? ", I she shoots back.
" I'm okay. Got a new car ", I mention.
" I saw! It's really nice ", she grins.
" Yeah...has a lot of horse power and all this technology. You should take a ride in it with me. See how it runs ", I invite. She chuckles knowingly.
" Ehh. Maybe in the future when things between us smooth over and I'm not stuck between crying for you and killing you then yeah. Perhaps I will check it out Mr. Rico suave ", she accuses me of trying to get at her.
" I was just being nice ", I held up my hands in surrender.
" Okay nice guy. I might take you up on that offer some day. But not today ", she cements.
" Ight ", I smirk.
Walking back to our cars we saw T on our way out with a wiggling baby strapped to his chest. He lent us a goodbye watching from the door with his hands behind his back proudly. Bia gets into her car and I follow behind her in the same direction watching her pass by me to get back to her place.
End of chapter 12.
Hey guys. Eriks projection for this therapy session will be broken down in the chapter after this one. Stay tuned for a flashback smut scene.