copyright 2019 chris smith All rights reserved.
"I don't blame you. I hear stories and I get disgusted too. But remember this, no matter what other ppl do, or how much they lie and try to manipulate, thats not who you are...its not how you choose to live your life and create relationships with. There's something to be said for being truthful and honoring yourself and your boundaries and your beliefs. Sure we don't get a prize or anything. But ya know we're not stringing ppl along trying to keep track of our lies in some massive war room. We're not stuck in some life we don't love, sitting in a body we don't love...pretending to be someone else...wrestling with demons we refuse to bring into the light." @RantingsOfaGirl
First, these tips are not foolproof. There are countless ways to deceive online. You may not be a "catfish," but you could still deceive, manipulate, bully, troll, and/or emotionally abuse people online. You don't have to be a catfish to be deceitful.
Someone is being deceitful if they tell stories about their RL world and/or identity that are not fact and then perpetuate these lies through-out said relationships/social media accounts, sometimes changing stories/identities/photos for every relationship/social media account. Some may tell truths about certain aspects of their RL but lie about others. There's no way to know what they're lying and/or giving the facts about.
It should also be noted there's a difference between having boundaries about NOT sharing RL details and lying/manipulations/catfishing. People with boundaries have every right NOT to share their lives online, if they choose not to, which is the same right you have.
They have a right to say, "I'm not interested in sharing my private life online," or, "I'm not interested in creating relationships online," or whatever. The most significant difference is people with boundaries will state their boundaries and won't LIE/MANIPULATE/CATFISH/BULLY you instead.
Every person attempting to create a relationship (platonic, romantic, and/or sexual) has a right to decide if they want to create said relationship with someone who has such boundaries or not.
Be wary of ANYONE who puts pressure on you to share anything that exceeds your comfort or safety levels online or anyone who comes across as "perfect". Be careful about sharing anything of your RL with "strangers on the internet". I don't care how supportive, kind, sweet they come across.
There's a massive difference between having an online interaction with someone and living with them, day in and day out where they can't hide any/as much of their RL issues. We're all human and therefore faulty. No one is perfect. Though some are upfront about their RL issues. Other people are not. So they open an account on social media to create the perfect persona while they downplay/ignore/hide their RL issues. Remember that, if they put themselves upon a pedestal or you put them on one there yourself.
THINGS PEOPLE CAN & DO HIDE/IGNORE/FABRICATE ONLINE:
1. First name, last name, full legal name, etc.
2. Age.
3. Gender.
4. Race/culture.
5. Sexual Orientation/Interests.
6. Physique (height, weight, eyes, hair color/style/length, personal style/clothes, scars, etc.).
7. Relationship status (single, married, committed, divorced, etc.).
8. Family status (children, parents, siblings, etc.).
9. Physical Health (disabilities, illnesses, disease, surgeries, etc.).
10. Emotional Health (mental illness, breakdowns, trauma, suicide attempts, etc.).
11. Abuse (emotional, physical, substance, sexual, etc.).
12. Addictions (sex, gambling, shopping, drugs, prescription medications, alcohol, cigarette, etc.).
13. Past (childhood, family, relationships, children, etc.).
14. Education.
15. Job.
16. Physical location.
17. Religion/spirituality.
18. Morals or lack of.
19. Hobbies/interests.
20. Photos (selfies, friends, family, events, nudes, childhood, school, etc.).
21. Social media accounts.
22. Facebook account/s. Having a Facebook account doesn't legitimize anyone. And by the bye, people can block you on Facebook. If they block you on Facebook and then you search for them, they will NOT be included in any of the Facebook search results, because they blocked you. It would look like they don't even have a Facebook when they could very well have an account.
23. Anything and everything.
Let's define "catfish" first:
"Slang . a person who assumes a false identity or personality on the Internet, especially on social media websites, as to deceive, manipulate, or swindle."
dictionary.com
While on urbandictionary.com:
"A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances."
Here's how MTV's "Catfish" TV show defines a catfish:
"a person who sets up a false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes."
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE GETTING CATFISHED
(from MTV's "Catfish" TV show):
C = car crash or cancer
A = abs
T = tagged friends (if they don't post photos online with friends who are tagged in the photos)
F = facetime (i.e. video chats)
I = inconsistent behavior (ghosting and then coming back to life)
S = sending money
H = hundred friends (less than a hundred friends online is suspicious)
They're also a catfish if they enter into a relationship with you (platonic, romantic, and/or sexual) and/or create social media accounts that lie about the facts of their RL (name, age, relationship status, family, health, physical description, photos, job, religion/spirituality, gender, sexual orientation, mental/emotional health, past, city/country they live in, etc.).
It's one thing NOT to share. It's another thing to lie about the facts of their RL. If they're lying online, it's deceit. Meaning they are going out of their way to alter/hide/ignore the facts of their RL in forming relationships (platonic, romantic, and/or sexual) online.
SUSPECT OF DECEPTIVE BEHAVIOR
Doesn't automatically mean they are:
If they use and/or present the following:
1. False photos (selfies, family, loved ones, and/or any other photos they steal from other people, as a representative of their own RL, which is also plagiarism).
2. False names (first, middle, last, etc.).
3. False gender (male, female, transgender, transitioning, third gender, gender fluid, etc.).
4. False sexual orientation/interests (heterosexual, homosexual, bi-sexual, bi-curious, asexual, pansexual, etc.).
5. False race.
6. False religion/spirituality.
7. False relationship status (single, dating, committed relationship, married, divorced, open relationship, etc.).
8. False family (children, parents, siblings, extended family, etc.).
9. False mental/emotional health (depression, bi-polar, a former patient at a psychiatric ward, etc.).
10. False physical description of themselves (height, weight, eyes, hair color/style, physique, etc.).
11. False past/history (childhood, abuse, trauma, etc.).
12. False health status/past (some have said they have/had cancer, etc.).
13. False job/job history (not everyone is a model and/or doctor).
14. False education and background (high school, college degree/s, college/s attended, military service/combat/medals, etc.).
15. False hobbies/interests etc.
16. False information about previous relationships (platonic, sexual, and/or romantic).
17. And/or lie, give false information/facts about anything else that is not a fact about who they are in RL.
WHAT IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY DECEPTION:
People are not automatically deceiving if they:
1. Do not use their RL name online (i.e. use a pseudonym).
2. Don't post a RL photo of themselves/family/RL.
3. Don't give you their phone number/address/city they live in.
4. Don't share info about their RL (job, family, relationship status, sexual orientation, gender, past, etc.).
5. Have multiple social media accounts. Some people use different accounts for different things like work and personal, etc., that they don't advertise and/or share with you.
6. Close down one account only to open a new one, which they may not inform you of or you may not be aware of.
7. Stop being friends/talking to people online, including but not limited to you.
8. Don't want to Friend you on Facebook or follow you on IG/other social media sites.
9. Don't want to talk to you on the phone/video chat/or meet you in person, etc. Ever.
10. Unfollow you and/or block you.
TIPS ON HOW TO SPOT DECEPTION
Deceptive people can and do hide in plain sight. They may or may not demonstrate the following:
1. They're charismatic.
2. They share stories about their life that elicit pity from you.
3. They come across as kind, sensitive, loving, and supportive.
4. They blame other users/s for being catfish/psycho/stalkers/bullies/etc.
5. Drama follows them (online and/or in RL).
6. They blame previous relationships/TC/friendships/etc. for being crazy, psycho, catfish, stalkers, trolls, bullies, and/or abusive.
7. Their perspective of reality and the facts is warped. The stories they share put themselves in the best light or portray themselves as the victim in situations (thus eliciting pity, see #2).
8. They go out of their way to share stories pointing their fingers at everyone else.
9. They take little to no ownership for their own RL issues. They are not forthcoming about those issues. Who is going to be upfront and admit to being a liar, manipulating, abusing people, substance/emotional/physical abuse past, addictions, etc.?
10. They stack up victims/exes, who all share similar stories about the interactions with the alleged deceptive person, in their wake.
11. They ask for personal information (legal name, physical location, address, RL loved ones names/occupations/etc.).
12. They ask for money.
13. They ask for nudes/sex video.
14. They ask for personal/family photos.
15. They want the password for your account/s.
16. They repeatedly close accounts, sometimes deactivating and then reactivating, and/or change their handle.
17. They plant dreams of being/hanging out with you (platonic, sexual, romantic).
18. They always have an excuse why they can't: give you their phone number/address, Friend you on Facebook, talk to you on the phone, video chat, visit you in person, etc.
19. They continuously blame other people for shutting down/changing their account, why you can't talk to them on the phone, mail them a package, visit in person.
20. They string you along with false hopes, ideas, and promises. They use their distance (how far away they allegedly live from you), life, job, family, health issues, etc. as an excuse not to call, video chat, and/or meet in RL, etc.
21. They make promises that you can be together once they: get divorced, get their life together, resolve family issues, get settled in the new job/city, heal from cancer/car accident/operation, recover from their coma, get out of rehab/psych ward, etc.
22. They don't follow through. If they love you and want to really to talk/see you, they'll find a way to do it. Period.
23. They put pressure on you (guilt trips, subtle manipulations, accusations, etc.) to share personal information (legal name, location, address, photos, family names, nudes, etc.) with them, including but not limited to anything that makes you uncomfortable and/or crosses your boundaries. For example, they could send you alleged personal photos of their alleged family and then demand you do the same. The manipulation might look like this, "Why don't you ever share photos of your family? I guess you don't trust me. I trusted you with my photos. I thought we were closer than that. I guess you're not the person I thought you were," etc. The only difference being, they could very well be stealing/fabricating their information (i.e. stealing "family" photos from other people's lives, etc.) while you're about to share your RL.
24. They attack you, become abusive/manipulative when you question their stories or ask about other people's version of the story which conflicts with theirs. If you confront them about an opposing story, they'll probably call the person telling that story a psycho/catfish/liar/deceptive/manipulative/troll/abuser/etc.
25. They put nothing at risk, since they're not using their RL name/location/photos/phone/address/job/past/family/etc.
26. They use phrases such as:
If you love me...
I thought you trusted me...
I thought I knew you better...
How can you say that after all we've been through...
I was about to share my (personal information)...
I'm really hurt that you said/think/did that...
I'm only thinking of you...
I'm such a horrible person. You should just let me go...
You save me...
I just needed the right person/partner to help me...
You just get me...
"Most of the victims I have known in my work have reported that their initial involvement with a sociopathic person, and their continued association even though she or he caused them pain, was a direct result of how charming she or he could be." Martha Stout, Ph.D. The sociopath next door