My spring break consisted of nothing but work and running with Darby every morning at 8 a.m. Darby doesn't talk much during our runs, mostly because she can't breathe, but she doesn't talk a lot when we stretch or walk either. I've made it my personal goal to make her laugh or smile at least once every day.
By Saturday, almost a week after we first met by her banging on my door looking for Parker and Bethany, I have successfully made her smile everyday and laugh twice, even if she thinks I didn't notice. It's not an easy task to make Darby laugh, but I had done it and now she is actually having a conversation with me as we stretch in the park around the corner from her apartment before beginning our regular routine.
"So, I know you have a brother, but do you have any other siblings?"
"Nope. Just Kit." I stretch my arms out in front of me before moving them in circles at my sides, "What about you?"
"I have a little sister." Darby mirrors my actions, "Her name's Megan, she's eleven."
"Are you two close?"
"Yeah, she's kind of my best friend." The smile that she has when she talks about her sister is completely different from any of the others I've seen from her. It's softer, warmer, and full of love. "What about you and Kit?"
"He can be a pain, but we're definitely close."
"I bet he says the same about you." She quickly moves her eyes to the ground and focuses intently on her stretching, like she's surprised and maybe a little embarrassed that she just made a joke. She glances up at me just as I'm placing a hand over my heart and she rolls her eyes at my theatrics.
Okay, so it wasn't much of a conversation, but it's more than I've gotten out of her all week so I call that a win.
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I text Darby to tell her that I can't run with her this morning because I have to pick Kit up at the airport and then go to my mom's for family dinner. Family dinner is something that my mom and grandma came up with so that Kit and I will come on the weekends to see them. We've been having family dinner every Sunday for a year now, and there's really no excuse good enough for mom to let you out of it.
I check my phone as I take a seat in one of the chairs in the lobby of the small airport and wait for Kit and Ellie to land. I didn't even know I was supposed to pick them up until they called late last night to remind me, and while I'm annoyed that I have to be awake this early, I'm glad to have them back.
Darby: K, still on for tomorrow though, right?
Since neither one of us have an eight a.m class this semester we agreed to keep our running time the same once classes start back. As I'm typing my reply, I feel someone standing over my shoulder, their minty breath way too close to my face.
"Who's Darby? Is she cute? Is running code for something?"
I tilt my head back and see Ellie standing over my seat, reading my texts as if privacy is a foreign concept to her..
I lock my phone, before standing and rounding the row of chairs so that I'm next to her, "Yeah, it's code for exercise."
"Uh huh." The two of us walk over to where Kit is standing with their bags, and before I can lift my hand to wave at him, Ellie is skipping ahead of me, "Kit! Finn has a girlfriend!"
I shake my head when Kit looks at me, raising a brow in confusion. "She's not my girlfriend, El. She's just a girl that I run with."
Ellie is constantly trying to set me up with someone so that we can double date, so when I quickly kill her excitement, she lets out a huff and rolls her eyes, "We'll see about that."
"See about what? Are you going to force feelings and a relationship on us?" I'm joking, but I also feel as if I just gave her an idea. I grab her bags from where they're sitting on the floor next to Kit and the three of us walk towards the exit, Ellie seeming to be lost in thought - which kind of has me worried.
At dinner, Kit and Ellie tell us all about their week in Hawaii and show us the hundreds of pictures they took while there. Ellie doesn't ask anymore about Darby, but I know she thinks that I'm hiding something from her and that Darby and I are more than running partners. In fact, when I told her for the second time on the ride to dinner that Darby and I are just running partners she simply replied with, "Kit and I were once just math partners."
She had me there, although I don't think that Kit and her were ever just anything.
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It's been three weeks since I had spent the night at Kit and Ellie's and had the nightmare that caused a panic attack. It's almost been four weeks, but my brain just wasn't going to let me go that long.
I wake up and look around the room, trying to rid my mind of the horrible scenes that had just played out in my mind. Parker is asleep in his bed across the room and the TV is still on from earlier. I reach for the remote and turn it off before getting out of bed and grabbing a bottle of water from the mini fridge.
Sometimes I don't remember my nightmares but some nights, like tonight, I remember them all too well. I grab a hoodie out of my closet and pull it over my head before putting on my shoes and heading outside with my phone in hand.
Once I'm outside I take a deep breath, breathing in the fresh air as I walk over to a bench just outside the dorm building. I take a seat and dial Ellie's number. It's three thirty in the morning, but I know she'll answer.
"Hey, hold on a sec." She says after a few rings. I know that she's slipping out of her bed and to another room where Kit won't hear and wake up. He doesn't know that I have nightmares, and even though Ellie wants to tell him, she promises to keep my secret as long as I call her whenever I have one.
After a minute I hear her close a door and I know that it's safe to talk, "Okay, what's up?"
"You died." My voice is low, barely above a whisper. I feel drained and I can't really breathe right. Everything feels heavy, even holding the phone to my ear seems to take too much energy. I clear my throat, but it only makes the faint burning in my lungs stronger.
"Finn, I'm fine."
"I know." And I do know. I know that every time I have one of these dreams, it's just a dream and that none of it really happened, but my body doesn't seem to understand that. No matter how many times I tell myself that Ellie is fine, she's alive and talking to me right now, I still feel like it really happened. Like she's gone and I'll never see her again, or hear her laugh, or have her steal my food.
I don't tell Ellie that sometimes the dreams aren't about someone dying, that sometimes they're about people just leaving me with no explanation or goodbye. I don't know why I don't tell her, I guess it just seems like a silly thing to get so worked up about.
This call goes the same as always. I tell El what the dream was about and then we sit in silence for a few minutes or hours, however long it takes until I say "I'm okay."
Tonight it only took fifteen minutes. "I love you Finn. I' m sorry that you have to go through this."
"I love you too. Thanks, El."
"It's what I'm for, buddy."
After a few more minutes I hang up and walk back up to my room. No matter how hard I try, i can't fall back to sleep, so I just lay there, staring up at the ceiling and trying to keep my mind blank.
Eventually I fell asleep, but it couldn't have been for more than an hour. When my alarm goes off, letting me know I have thirty minutes before I need to meet Darby, I feel drained and absolutely exhausted. For a second I consider cancelling on her, but then I remember how the last time that I had felt like this, my mission to make Darby smile had distracted me and made me feel a little better. Besides, if I don't get up now, I'll just lay here all day and that won't solve anything.
After throwing on some clothes and grabbing a bottle of water from the mini fridge, I head out to meet Darby at our usual spot. When I get to the park, she's not there yet, so I take a seat on the grass and stretch my legs out in front of me. I close my eyes, finding it hard to not let the exhaustion win. My body aches, my mind is fuzzy, and everything just feels off. I can vividly remember the nightmare I had last night and it's messing with my head.
A few minutes pass before I hear Darby approach me. "Hey, are you okay?"
No. I'm not okay, I can't breathe and I feel like everything and everyone I love is about to just leave me.
"I'm fine." I look up at her and see that she's doesn't believe me.
"We don't have to run today if you don't feel like it." She doesn't take her eyes off of me, and I feel as if I'm under a microscope as she looks down at me - like she can see right through me.
"I'm fine." I say again, forcing a small smile this time in hopes that it will get her to believe me and stop looking at me with that look that of pity that's on her face.
"You don't look fine. You look like you didn't get any sleep and you have something on your mind."
Apparently I'm not as hard to read as she is. She's right, I'm tired and I'm distracted. Spending time with her will help, even if we don't run. "Do you care if we walk instead of run today?"
"Not at all." She extends a hand, pulling me off the ground giving me a soft smile - one that looks out of place on her.
We walk our usual route and Darby is talking more right now than she has the entire month that I have known her. She talks about her little sister Megan, about her roommate Bethany who is hooking up with Parker, her dog, and her classes.
The whole time she talks, I listen. She doesn't really ask me any questions or care when I don't give a lot of feedback, she just talks to me and eventually my mind clears and I don't feel like I'm being drowning anymore. If I focus on Darby's words then my own internal crisis becomes quieter.
"Want to get some food?" She nudges me in side with her elbow and I blink, looking down and seeing her- really seeing her for the first time today. She seems different today, softer in a way. There's no frown on her face or crease on her forehead, she's not tense or quiet.
"Sure." I follow her into a cafe and watch as she smiles and talks to our waitress, noticing more and more things that make the Darby before me different from the girl I've spent the past month running with.
"Why are you staring at me?"
"Huh?" Our waitress is no longer around, and Darby almost looks amused at the fact that I was just staring at her. I hadn't even noticed I was doing it, I didn't even notice that the waitress had walked away.
"You were staring at me, Finn."
"You're different today."
Her small smile falters a little as she tilts her head, possibly thinking over my words as she stares back at me. "So are you. You're usually chatty and happy, it's kind of annoying sometimes."
I arch a brow, "Really?"
"Annoying in a good way though." She says with a smile after our waitress sits our drinks on the table - a lemonade I don't remember ordering.
"I'm going to take that as a compliment." I reach for my drink.
Darby's teasing smile falls from her face, as if she thinks she upset me. "It was a compliment, I swear. I like that you're chatty and so upbeat. It's a nice change from what I'm used to."
I take a sip of my drink as she speaks, fumbling to get the words out and convince me that she was only kidding, and that she doesn't actually find me annoying. Her eyes are wide and sincere, her smile radiant - especially since it's extremely rare. Darby is really pretty, and while she's tough, it's nice to know that she has a soft side under all the armor she puts around herself. "You know, you're really pretty."
Shit. I didn't mean to say that.
At first she's shocked, like she thinks that she misheard me, but she quickly recovers and with a slight blush and a full smile she replies, "Thanks, Finn. "