"Everything is grey. His hair, his smoke, his dreams. And now he's so devoid of color. He doesn't know what it mean."
- Halsey
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Six Months Later
Ryan walked out of math, slowly. His eyes were set on Lucas, just another classmate who he barely knew. Ryan followed him, following him to his locker.
He looked around, making sure no one else was around before approaching Lucas.
"Um hi." Ryan nervously ran a hand through his hair as Lucas nodded at him.
"That math test was hard. Quadratics are fucking stupid." He mumbled nervously, his voice trailing as Lucas raised an eyebrow, amused.
Ryan shrugged, taking a deep breath and stopped his rambling. He looked around again. The hallway had cleared out, mostly.
Ryan sucked on his lower lip before facing Lucas again.
"How much do you want?"
"What?"
Ryan sighed as Lucas slammed his locker shut, leaning against it as he faced him.
"How much money do you want? Or charge? I don't fucking know." His voice was a little unsure. Yet, he was sure. More than sure.
He pulled out a twenty, some allowance money he never spent.
Lucas smirked, chuckling as he realized what was going on. "You smoke?"
Ryan didn't reply, staring at the twenty in his hands. He crumbled the dollar bill as his phone vibrated.
A text from his father.
Where are you?
"My dad's here. I gotta go." Ryan hesitated as Lucas continued staring at him, eyeing him.
"Thirty-five for a vape pen."
Ryan pulled another fifteen more dollars handing them to Lucas.
He stood there, awkwardly as Lucas opened the front zipper to his backpack, stuffing the money into the small pocket and pulling out a yellow pen.
"Here."
Ryan stared at the yellow pen before quickly grabbing it and stuffing it into the front pocket of his jean. He quickly turned around, walking away before Lucas could say anything else.
Two Years Later
The music was blazing. Loud and screaming.
Ryan leaned back into the couch, carelessly sipping from the red cup every new and then. He didn't say anything as Karissa Wu sat down next to him, her dress a little too short and the neckline a little too low.
"Hi."
Nodding, he barely acknowledged her. Staring at the cup in his hands instead, he scooted over a little, putting more than enough space between them.
He looked away as she smiled, smiled at him. "How do you think you did on the math test?"
He didn't say anything as he continued to ignore her. She already knew that he wasn't interested. Yet like always, she was desperate for his attention.
"I'm hopping I passed. My mom is going to be so mad if I get another C. But I don't understand anything with Algebra."
"Ryan?" She nervously looked at him. He turned, facing her, hazy red eyes and drunk lips.
Ryan shook his head, wanting to tell her to fuck off just as Lucas walked up to him, sitting down next to him on the couch, whispering.
"I got the stuff in my room. If you want to try something else that is." Smirking and still ignoring Karissa, Ryan stood up, following Lucas to his room.
He needed anything, something, whatever it was. He needed something that would make him feel good.
Three Years Later
Ryan slowly sat up, pushing his blanket aside. He looked up as his bedroom door opened as his sister walked in with a cup of water and a few tablets in her hands.
He didn't say anything as she placed the glass on the nightstand, her lower lip trembling.
Almost hesitantly she turned, staring back at him before looking at the pills in her hands.
She threw the pills at him, not even offering them to him before jumping onto his bed and hitting him, her small fists colliding against his chest.
He pushed her away, to the side, his breathing heavy as everything was still a little hazy.
"What the fuck, Mira."
He didn't say anything, simply staring at her, hazy vision as her eyes filled with tears.
"Where were you last night?" Her voice, a whisper.
"A party." He rubbed his eyes, licking his dry lips before slowly standing up. He looked around his room, grabbing a red t-shirt.
"Karissa dropped you off at three in the morning."
Ryan sighed, staring at his messy reflection in the mirror before facing his sister again.
"I was drunk." Ryan gave his sister a soft smile, a partial truth.
"Is that all?"
He licked his lips, unsure of what to say next. Her eyes filled with disappointment and he quickly looked away, still not answering her question.
"You promised me you were going to stop smoking." Her voice faded away at the end as she stood up, standing a few feet away from him.
"I did. I haven't smoked a cigarette in three days now." It was almost an accomplishment, almost.
"You reeked of weed last night."
"I...Mira, come on. I needed something." He started at his sister, hollow eyes before shrugging. He ran a hand through his hair, a little hungover.
"Something? Ryan." Her lips trembling as she stared at him. He was a mess, he knew that. "You need help. You.." Mira took a small step towards him, stepping on the gray jacket, one of the many pieces of clothing he had thrown across his room.
Ryan didn't say anything as she stopped talking.
He froze, staring wide eyed as Mira leaned down, picking up the Ziploc bag. Her hands trembling.
"Mira." Ryan cautiously took a step towards her, as she stared at him, looking down at the bag in her hands before looking back at him. "Mira, I swear I can explain."
His voice was a little shaky. She'd found his pills. Mira had found the pills. And now she'd now, he was fucked. He was doing more than just drinking and smoking.
Six Years Later
Ryan loaded his last suitcase into the BMW. The car that he'd bought with the money from his trust fund, the money that his mother had saved and left for him.
He turned to face his sister as she stood by the door, a red mug in her hand as she nervously smiled at him.
Mira slowly walked to the car, mumbling about how it was too early to be awake.
"Are you really leaving?" Her voice wavered as she stood in front of her, a few inches shorter than him.
"Mira, I have to go to college." He smiled, nervously as Mira shook her head. He needed to leave. He needed to get out of the shitty town. He needed to get away from all of it.
He needed a new start, a fresh start, away from all of it.
"You're going to community college. Why can't you go to community college here?" Mira pouted, like a little kid.
"Come on, Mira. When you visit, I'll show you all around The Bay. Remember when we were little and mom took us to SF?" He playfully nudged his sister as she glared at him, her face softening as she stared at him and then the car.
He sighed as she rubbed her eyes, a soft sob escaping her lips. He wrapped his arms around her, hugging his little sister.
His little sister. The only person he truly cared about.
"Mira, I promise I'll call every day. And I'll visit." Ryan pulled away, ruffling her hair. "Besides, you're going to be a Freshman in high school. You don't want me bossing you around do you."
He tried to control the waver in his voice. The last time he'd cried, the day his mother had died. And since that day, he never showed the smallest hint of emotion.
Seldom a smile, never a cry.
Yet he did, the corners of his lips twitched upwards as Mira laughed.
"But seriously stay away from boys. Okay? And if Aaron does anything, just tell me and I'll kick his ass."
"Do you really have to go?" Mira looked at him, biting her lip before rubbing her eyes again. "I'm going to miss you."
She wrapped her arms around him again, sobbing against his chest.
"Mira." He hesitantly spoke, staring at his sister as he pulled away, holding out her pinky finer instead.
"You promise you won't smoke or drink too much?" She looked at him, so much promise and hope.
And he truly couldn't say anything. He couldn't lie to her.
"I'm trying Mira. I swear. I'm going to try." Somewhat of an assurance.
Ryan looked up as the front door opened and Mira pulled away from him. His father slowly walking towards him.
"You're really leaving?"
Ryan ignored him, turning back to his sister. "I'll call you when I'm there okay? It's like a six or seven hour drive."
"I love you, Mira." He stepped back, nodding at his sister.
"Ryan, I..."
Ryan looked at his father, his dark eyes staring at his father. Ryan shook his head, he didn't have to listen to him anymore.
"Go fuck yourself." His voice bitter as he took a step towards his father, stopping as Mira stepped in front of him. As Mira stepped in between the two of them like she always did.
"Ryan, not today. Please." Ryan nodded, stared at his sister's gentle eyes as she pleaded with him.
Ryan let out a dry laugh, facing his father again as he held out a credit card for him.
"You're a shitty father, you're a shitty husband. I don't even know what mom ever saw in you." Ryan played with his car keys, turning around, ready to go. Ready to get on with his life.
"I hate you. You stopped being my father the day my mom died. Fuck, you stopped being my father the day I found out you cheated on her." Ryan clenched his jaw, staring up at the bright sky. "I don't need your fucking money. Just fuck off and leave me the hell alone."
He gave his sister one last look as she walked back into the house. He didn't give his father another glance. Not a single look as he got into his car and pulled out of the driveway, more than ready to get on with his life.
He was going to be better. He was going to try.
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Welp, that's Ryan :)