My eyes were drawn to the moon like a moth towards light. The warmth of the alcohol still spreading further in my body. My head was throbbing with swirling thoughts yet I couldn't think straight. My mind felt clouded, like patches of thick, fluffy white cottonballs had been stuffed inside it.
Deep in thought, my hands kept stroking over my bare legs, a habit I had taken up to help me calm down. I drummed my fingers against my thighs, mindlessly humming to the pop song playing on the radio. I hated that song.
I felt the alcohol in my blood and prickling on my tongue, hot and intoxicating. I knew I wasn't myself anymore, a faint voice in the back of my head was telling me so. Whispering to me that this was a bad idea. Going with Taehyung was a bad idea. I didn't know him. This wasn't me. I was just desperate to get my mind off of James and the hot mess my relationship with him had turned into.
And yet, I was sure if Taehyung had brought that damn vodka bottle with him to the car I would've emptied it without a second of hesitation. I needed a distraction from my thoughts so bad. A distraction from my fucked up relationship crumbling in my fingers. Fucking James. Fucking love. Fuck him. Fuck everyone and everything in this god awful town.
I could still hear the voice of reason within me, telling me not to spend the night with a stranger.
But then again the voice was small, the full moon much more intriguing and the taste of alcohol still so vibrant. Taehyung's hand had left my thigh and my body was already aching to feel his touch again.
I didn't know what it was about him but I just felt so drawn to him, most likely because he was insanely attractive and my hormones were going wild. I could tell my body was feeling conflicted, I was drawn to him but every time his sharp eyes met mine I thought back to James' green ones.
It had really happened. I witnessed him cheat on me. I knew he had done it before. But this time I couldn't pretend I didn't know. Couldn't convince myself it meant nothing if he wasn't even able to admit to it. He knew I had seen him yet he still lied to my face. What should that tell me?
Everyone had been trying to convince me he couldn't stay loyal but I was refusing to accept it because I had never seen it with my own eyes, now though, I had. In that moment I knew I had to end it. I kissed someone else and it felt good. But I felt nothing when James kissed me at the party. I knew I didn't love him anymore, it was just hard to admit. It was hard to give up on something that had once made me so happy. Why didn't he end things sooner? Why didn't he break up with me if I had never been enough all along?
The pain felt managable right now, it was luring in the back of my heart but what overpowered it was the strong feeling of numbness. I knew the pain would find its way back to me in the morning once I had sobered up but right now, it felt like the shattered pieces of my broken heart couldn't cut me because a blanket of warmth, provided by all the vodka I had chugged down, was covering them.
"We're almost here" Taehyung's deep voice buzzed for what felt like the hundreth time. I wouldn't mind if we just kept driving into the night. At this point, what was I doing anyway?
Out of nowhere, James' yelling found its way back into my head, his hands squeezing that girl's ass and his lips on her neck. I dug my long nails into my arm, trying to distract myself.
"Hanna?" I felt a touch on my bare thigh so my head turned to face him.
"Hm?" I pressed my lips together, tired eyes meeting his.
"You coming?" he raised an eyebrow. The car had come to a stop without me noticing. I nodded, crushing the small voice in my head, silencing it once and for all. Being the nice girl had gotten me nowhere, maybe shutting her up for a while was the right thing to do.
Taehyung opened the car door for me and as soon as my shoes touched the pavement I shook them off my feet. Walking in uncomfortable shoes was hard enough as it was, walking in them when drunk, however, could only end in a disaster and I was not intending on getting another part of my body broken tonight. My heart had been enough.
I clung to Taehyung's side, letting him walk me to his door, fumble with the keys. My eyes darted back around to look at the moon. A little blurry maybe but it was still there, of course it was. I couldn't say why but it felt like some sort of reassurance, like things were going to be okay.
In a way I still felt like I was the one cheating. I shouldn't have let Taehyung kiss me back in Sammy's room. I shouldn't have kissed him back. What a fucking hypocrite. But what did it matter now?
I was no longer someone else's. These were just my own choices now and the only person having to suffer the consequences would be myself.
So it didn't matter that I tried to tell myself again and again that this was a dumb idea, my hammered head wouldn't listen, my body was still leaning into the tall boy whose touch felt so good and eyes held so much appeal. Silver hair shining in the moon light, he almost looked like he was part of it.
I wanted to trust him. How could someone with such a pretty, dimpled smile and whose mouth turned into a boxy shape when he laughed, have it in them to break someone's heart? Then again, James had a pretty smile too and my heart felt pretty damn broken right now.
After a while Taehyung finally managed to unlock the door, not one second did I question why it was taking him so long. I didn't notice how red his eyes were or that the drunk sway of his walk matched mine. I didn't notice his breath that still strongly smelt of booze or how he was talking a bit louder than he really needed to.
I was too focused on trying to control my own drunkenness that I hadn't paid any attention to what state he was in. What I did notice, was that he was holding my hand again and how long his fingers were. He guided me straight towards his bedroom. I wondered whether he still lived with his parents. The house seemed too big for one person. I realized I had no idea how old he was. For all I knew he could be in college.
He was whispering something in my ear now, grip on my hand tightening. I tried to shut the thoughts running through my mind completely off for a moment and just focus on his strong hands guiding me to his room.
He nodded towards the door and told me to lock it. I leaned my back against the cold wood, taking deep breaths to collect my thoughts which was pretty useless because all I felt was the heat from the alcohol spreading throughout my body and the giggle it brought to my lips.
The room was dark but I could still see Taehyung clearly. Moonlight was pooling in through his windows and tinted him a soft silver glow.
With a low groan he pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it down onto the carpet. My eyes glued themselves to his bare torso, flickering up and down his defined chest and arms. I couldn't tell whether I was blushing or just feeling really, really hot from the vodka.
When his gaze met mine with a confident smirk I didn't look away but held it instead. Shy Hanna was long gone. Maybe you'd find her floating at the bottom of that vodka bottle left in Sammy's room, if only you cared to search for her. Thing was, no one ever did.
"Are you gonna sleep in that?" Taehyung's deep voice echoed off his bedroom walls, ringing in the back of my head. His words found themselves in a deep, lustful groan in my mind. I watched his eyes wander up and down my body. A sober Hanna would've awkwardly shifted around or laughed it off with a blush. A sober Hanna, that is.
I kept my eyes locked with his as I let my hands slowly drop down to the hem of my tight, red dress before pulling it up and over my head. Tossing it next to his shirt on the carpet, forming a puddle of clothes.
"No" I said, tongue clicking, voice steady. I tilted my chin up, confidence flickering in my eyes. I was so drunk that I couldn't think straight but I made sure to not let it show up on my face. All I wanted was to fall into his arms and feel his touch again. All I wanted was to feel something.
He froze at the sight of me standing right in front of him in just my lacey, black underwear. I could tell from his wide eyes that he hadn't expected me to actually undress. I took a step closer to him, watching his eyes wander over my body, biting down on his lip. I let my hands play with my chest long, brown hair, twirling a strand around my finger before pushing it all behind my shoulders.
I made my movements slow and never let my eyes leave his. I took another step towards him, his lack of words was making me feel brave. I let my eyes drop to his crotch before innocently smiling back up at him.
"Are you gonna sleep in those jeans?" I raised one eyebrow up in challenge, stopping right in front of him, bodies almost touching. The alcohol was pushing me towards him, screaming at me to touch his bare chest and defined abs but I wanted to tease him like he had teased me back in Sammy's room.
"They look pretty uncomfortable" I added with a playful smile, gracing my fingers against his lower stomach, letting them glide over his belt and brush against his bare skin.
I could tell he wanted to reach out and touch me but he was holding back. Playing along in my little game of teasing.
"Why don't you help me take them off then?" he groaned, head lowered to whisper into my ear. His eyes had darkened, no longer holding that silvery shimmer but a deep, black gloom.
I smiled up at him, slowly letting one hand glide down to his crotch and gently palm him through his pants. I took another step towards him, my bare thighs were touching his jeans now.
I tilted my head to the side, unsure of where I was getting all this confidence from, I batted my eyelashes at him before whispering "I think I'm too drunk for that"
He brought his lips down to my ear, hot breath fanning over my skin. "Let me show you then, baby girl"
I felt his big hands reach for mine and lift them up to unbuckle his belt. Eyes never leaving each other, I bit my lip once the belt was off and he helped me unzip his pants and pull them down to his thighs. I forced my eyes to stay on his, rather than look at the huge bulge I could feel against my fingers.
My nerves suddenly found their way back to me. Was I really doing this?
I couldn't do it. Hell, was I drunk and hell, was Taehyung hot but I couldn't. Not right after what happened, not with James in my head. I couldn't..but I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to right in this moment with his dark eyes on me that held such a lustful stare when they were wandering over my body. I could tell that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. Hands constantly looking for excuses to touch each other.
My eyes locked on his defined chest. I wanted to bring my hands up and let my fingers run over his muscles.
"You know you can touch me, right?" he chuckled, seeming to have read my thoughts. Oh, it was definitely the alcohol that pushed me to want him so badly but I didn't care. No thinking, just doing, Hanna.
He smirked when I finally let my hands run over his chest. I would be lying if I said his muscles didn't turn me on. Because, fucking hell they did.
He pushed his pants further down his legs and stepped out of them, kicking them off to join my red dress and his shirt on the carpet.
I shivered when his cold hands found their way to my bare waist and he pulled me into his warm chest. I still had my hands on his chest, now trapped against his body. He was so much taller than me. I tilted my head to look up at him but instantly regretted it as his face was only inches away from mine and I could feel his hot breath on my skin, driving me insane.
He lifted one hand up to my face, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "You know, baby girl, when you looked up at me with those pretty, innocent brown eyes when you were smoking my joint, I gotta admit I was imagining those pink lips of yours around something else"
No matter how drunk I was right now, his deep voice saying that while never leaving my eyes made me blush. I tried to push back against his chest but his grip around me only tightened.
My heart was beating a million times per second. I couldn't think straight pressed against his bare chest like this, with his strong arms around me and dark eyes watching me. I felt incredibly hot all of a sudden, heat pooling in my chest and between my legs. Fuck, was I getting turned on by his deep, raspy voice.
"You can't just say something l-like that" I laughed, still weakly attempting to get out of his grip but not really.
"Why not?" he smirked. He hooked one finger under my chin and forced me to look up at him. "why can't I say that imagining looking into your big, brown innocent eyes while you suck my dick turns me on, huh?"
"Oh my-" I couldn't even finish my sentence, thoughts running wild. I felt so damn hot, goosebumps were rising on my arms from his touch.
"I can tell you're getting turnt on, baby girl" he smirked. "stop trying to hide it from me. You're blushing and I can feel how wet you are already"
Oh god. Why was his deep voice turning me on so much? Him saying all those dirty things to me whilst looking into my eyes did something to me.
"Fuck it" I blurted out and got on my tiptoes to kiss him, pulling his face down. His arms wrapped around me, spinning us around so my back was pressed against the wall.
"I want you, baby girl" he groaned against my lips, gently biting down on my bottom lip before moving to my ear and planting soft, fluttery kisses onto my neck. "so bad"
I let my right hand drop down to his boxers, palming his erection through the thin material. I made my decision.
"Then take me" I whimpered.
As soon as the words left my lips he threw me onto his bed, hovering over me. He grabbed my arms and lifted them up above my head, pinning them down onto the mattress.
His lips went to my neck, leaving a trail of hot sloppy kisses along my neck down to my collarbones where he began sucking on a spot. I felt the familiar tingling sensation of a hickey forming, he gently blew on it before running his tongue along it again and sucking on the skin some more.
I squirmed under his grip at the ticklish feeling. He suddenly stopped kissing my neck and pressed his crotch onto mine, pushing me deeper into the mattress. The contact making me bite back a breathy moan.
"Behave, baby girl" he lowly grumbled before continuing on. With one quick clasp he had unhooked my bra and pulled it over my head, tossing it onto the floor. His lips wandered down to my nipples, leaving light kisses and gently sucking on them until they were hard. I whimpered as I felt his teeth graze against me. My hands were still trapped above my head so all I could do was squirm under his touch again.
He glared at me and smacked my bare thigh. "What did I tell you?" he warned me in a low voice and I immediately froze.
He dropped one hand from holding my arms up above my head and lightly squeezed my left breast with it. He soon dropped his other hand too and hooked one finger around the lace outline of my thong before pulling it down my legs, leaving me completely bare under him.
He pressed his lips on mine and finally let me drop my hands from above my head and tangle in his hair, lightly pulling at it which made him groan into the kiss. My lips parted in surprise when I felt his finger enter me. I was so wet already that it slipped in with ease.
I would like to say that this is where we stopped. I'd like to say that I came to my senses and realized that sleeping with him to get over the heartbreak I was feeling was a stupid idea, that half of this night had been a stupid idea.
I'd like to say that nothing more happened, that I didn't sleep with him. I'd like to say that his lips against mine didn't feel so damn good or that his touch and deep, sultry voice didn't make me moan and my eyes flutter shut. I'd like to say that I didn't love every second of giving my body to him.
But I did. I let him undress me, touch me, whisper dirty things into my ear. I let him bite and kiss me, make me moan his name, pull his silver hair and beg him to fuck me harder. I let him be rough with me and press me into his bed.
I completely melted into his touch and let my hips grind against his. I let my mouth leave red and purple hickeys on his neck and ran my long nails across his toned back until it was littered with long red scratch marks.
I let him feel all of me and when we got so tired that we couldn't keep our eyes open any longer, I let him hold me until we both drifted off to sleep.
I'd like to say that I didn't still feel so heartbroken over James. I'd like to say that I regret sleeping with a guy that was practically a stranger to me. I'd like to say that I didn't feel embarrased when I woke up the next morning, still tightly hugged to his naked chest. I'd like to say that I didn't quietly sneak out because I was too ashamed to face him.
But I did. I did all of that and couldn't force myself to regret it because it had made my numb heart feel something again. I didn't regret any of it. So, goodbye, innocent Hanna.
Because I meant it when I said I was done being the good girl.