I know why it killed me now to walk away from Loki.
I like him, and I'm not going to be naive and pretend that I don't. I'm not saying I should like him or even that I want to, but I do.
I've always found him absolutely fascinating, but I'll never forget the moment a shift in me occurred. Looking back it's obvious. The night after the men from Mr. Connor's lab tried to kill me, I will always remember the way Loki made me feel when I thought there wasn't a single thing anybody could say to help me.
Somehow he did, he knew exactly what to do and say and it meant the world to me. It showed me parts of him I would bet he's never showed to anyone before. I can still feel myself holding his hand, laying on the grass.
That night set off a change in me, and it's childish to deny it. I like Loki.
But I still don't necessarily want everyone to know, and I don't even know if I want to pursue anything. Cap was cruel and cold today to me and Loki, but he also might have been right. Who am I to say I know Loki better than all of them do? I only met him so recently.
But then why does it also feel like I know him better than anyone? Like knowing him is as easy as knowing myself? Dammit Cap, why did you have to follow me?
He messed up something simple and made it the hardest thing in the world. I just hope he keeps his word and keeps quiet.
I don't leave my room all night, too embarrassed and upset to talk to anyone. I only manage to buck up the courage to go outside when I hear commotion and see people flying back and forth by my door.
I curiously get up and walk out into my doorway, listening as Tony shouts something in the living room to everyone.
"Guys we have a potential soul stone sighting down in South America. Locals are going crazy, gangs are fighting everywhere. We think alien tech is involved. It could be nothing, but it's worth checking out." He informs the group.
"We leave in five, grab what you need!" Cap yells. Everyone else must have had more time to get ready, or they just always have a bag packed, because people begin to file outside to the driveway where I'm assuming the aircraft is waiting.
I turn around and rush back into my room, glad to have another mission to distract me from this drama with Loki and Cap. I'm also glad I'll finally be able to use all of the knew skills I've been learning in my exhausting training with Cap.
I can hear that everyone has already left for the aircraft, so I grab a few last things and jog out to the hallway. When I get to the living room, however, Cap walks inside and puts a hand out in front of me to stop me.
"Where do you think you're going?" He asks like a condescending parent.
"To the ship, clearly." I reply, somewhat annoyed.
"I don't think so. You'll sit this one out, Cassidy." He tells me and my heart drops.
"But I've worked so hard!" I protest immediately, dropping my bag by my side and throwing out my arms. No way can he take this away from me. I've shed blood, sweat, and tears for weeks because of Cap. So I would never repeat mistakes I made last battle.
I know I messed up. I know I killed someone. That's why I need redemption. I can do better, and I need to prove it to myself. Honestly, I just want to use my powers for good while I still have them.
"You've barely trained, Cassidy. This isn't some fun pastime of ours, this is life or death." He replies, not budging.
"I haven't worked hard? I've never worked harder in my life! I've given everything I have to training my powers!" I shout.
"Well it's not enough!" He shouts back and I flinch. My heart sinks again, but I push back the tears about to brim in my eyes. I look at him like a deer in the headlights as he delivers his next punch. "I'm sorry Cassidy, but no amount of training can change who you are. You're just a kid."
"Funny Cap, isn't that what they used to tell you before you proved them wrong?" I ask him in a heartbroken voice, not hiding my anger and sadness.
"Yes, it is." He admits, still feeling no apparent empathy for me.
Suddenly a thought pops into my head, "Is this about Loki?" I ask.
He scoffs in a sour tone, "No, it's not about Loki, Cassidy."
"Then what is it? Just tell me why you wont let me come!" I beg, wanting more of an explanation than I haven't trained hard, because I know I have.
"Because you're a liability! Okay? It's safer for everyone when you're not around." He shouts, reaching a breaking point with trying to spare me.
"Oh." I breathe out in barely a whisper, processing that. Do they all think that about me? Are they just keeping me here to monitor me? Am I the real monster? The thing they're all afraid will get loose?
"I'm sorry, but like I said. You're just a kid." Cap sighs.
I stare at him, absolutely devastated. A tear falls free onto my cheek.
I look Cap dead in the eyes, and blink. When I open my eyes I know he now sees them as silver and lilac, the signal that I'm about to go invisible.
"Cassidy, no!" He yells, grabbing forward to try and get a hold of me. He's too late. I blink again, going invisible, and then fly up above his head so I'm against the ceiling.
I begin to fly forward out of the compound, but I have to pause to contain my sobs so Cap can't hear me. The realization that the people I thought were my family have betrayed and abandoned and lied to me hits me like a ton of bricks.
Were they all in on this? Did they ever have any intention of trusting me?
A familiar voice sounds back where Cap is, and I can't help myself from staying to listen.
"Where is she?" Tony asks
"She's not coming." Cap answers in a dead tone.
"I know she's not coming, but where is she?" Tony raises his voice this time.
I float down to the ground. So Tony knew too?
"I don't know." Steve admits.
"What did you do Rogers?" Tony asks in a low and angry voice, pointing a finger at Steve.
He stays silent.
"We need to go find her." Tony decides.
"We don't have time!" Cap shouts, and Tony looks around the room once before he sighs and nods. They both leave and I watch out the window as the aircraft darts off without me.
My heart breaks for the hundredth time. Even Tony left me behind. The man I looked up to like a father. They all left me here, not even knowing where I am or if I'm safe.
My sadness suddenly changes its tune, and anger surges through me.
How dare they treat me like this? Like I don't matter? Like they're all better off without me?
They made me this way! That's the crazy part! They made me into a weapon with all of their training and words of encouragement and stupid far off battles.
They made me deadly.
Then gave up on me for doing what they made me capable of.
I drop to the ground with a thud, forgetting about my invisibility shield and letting myself go visible again. I hear the roar of the engine sound from the aircraft in the front driveway and I stomp over towards it, fists in balls of rage.
I don't know what takes over me, but it's like I can't control my emotions right now. All I see is rage.
My palms begin to glow red from the tension heating up my entire body. My fists clench into balls. I throw open a door that leads towards the landing pad where the aircraft is leaving from, and the entire door flies off its hinges.
I let out a frustrated scream, because I didn't mean to do that, and suddenly the alarm system of the compound goes haywire. Bright white lights flash, sirens begin to blare, and a disorienting high pitched sound fills my eardrums.
I jog forward with my hands over my ears and see the aircraft flying off into the sky through a window. I'm too late, they already left.
This infuriates me further, and the sirens of the alarm system are joined by the screeching of the sprinkler system, which spontaneously begins to go off. The pipes burst, spraying me and flooding the compound with water. I throw my hands up to cover my head and more metal pipes come ripping through the floor and walls.
"What is happening?" I cry out as my anger switches over to fear, and I suddenly realize I'm crying. I'm not trying to do any of this, but it's like my powers are spurting and surging out of control.
I run down the hall, jumping over cracks in the floor, and try to reach for another door handle. It rips open away from me, sending the door flying across the room before I can even touch it.
"Ugh!" I let out a scream of frustration, stomping my feet on the ground and balling my hands into fists. Everywhere around me sparks begin to fly as the magnetic rays flowing from me burst the electrical circuit of the compound. Wires fly freely, sizzling with their current and dangerously mixing with the water still gushing from the pipes.
What have I done? I stop running down the hallway for a moment and turn around, looking at the devastation I've created.
I didn't think I was capable of this. It looks like a war zone, and I didn't even touch anything.
I back up away from the main part of the compound that I just destroyed, and all of the sudden glass bursts behind me as I walk into a glass door, and the shards rain over me. I turn and see the metal door frame mangled from me getting too close to it, just like the frame I burst at Tony's home the first day I had my accident.
Then it hits me.
This is what they were scared of. Tony and Cap and the others didn't teach me darkness or how to destroy things. The darkness was already inside of me.
I'm dangerous.
I drop to my knees and put my head in my hands, letting out a long and pained scream as sobs rack my body. My scream sends out a shock wave from my core that shatters all of the windows around me. They burst with a thud and the metal frames are blown out, sprinkling me with glass that slices at my skin. The wounds close almost immediately.
I stumble to my feet and propel myself out the window with my flight, because I need to get out of this place. I land awkwardly, stumbling forward and trying to catch my balance. My breathing intensifies, and I frantically look around for someone to help me.
Then I again remember that they all left me here.
In a moment of rage, I look at the towering cell tower in Tony's yard to my left and plant my feet firmly on the grass. With the heave of my arms, I rip the tower out of the ground, shaking from it's weight against my magnetic powers, and I hurl the mass of metal as far as I can throw it. The tower lands with a deafening crash against a warehouse, smashing through it and bursting into flames from the exposed wires and the machinery I'm guessing it landed on.
The warehouse is destroyed.
My eyes widen in shock. I don't know why I just did that.
I am a monster.
I need this stuff out of me now, and there's only one other person besides Tony that might know how to do that. Mr. Connors.
Him and all of his goons were right about me. They wanted to do tests on me a long time ago, but they didn't think I would cooperate. They thought I stole the substance out of selfishness, and they didn't know this has all been a horrible accident. That's why they tried to kill me. They thought I was a danger to others.
Maybe I am.
I've already killed once. I bet if I turn myself over to Mr. Connors he can do the tests on me and help me be rid of this nightmare finally.
I know what I need to do.