The bell rang and I headed off to my first class of the first day. I had butterflies which wouldn’t go away.
I normally dreaded going to class because I knew it was just a matter of time before someone, anyone made me feel bad, but I was the new girl now. I was beautiful now. Hopefully I would finally be treated like a human being.
I walked in the room and I almost forgot I changed. I could feel my heart beating faster, and faster. I had no idea where to sit, how to act, where to look. I just didn’t know anything.
“Hey you!” A girl with glasses and long brown hair called out to me. “You’re new aren’t you? Do you want to sit with me?”
I smiled back at her and I could almost see my reflection in her purely whites. I opened my mouth to reply but before I could, someone else butted in.
“She’ll sit with us. We don’t want her catching your ugliness June, now do we?” Two girls laughed with her and they grabbed my arm and took me to a seat at the back of the room.
June looked down straight away and quickly walked back to the front of the room. I knew that look. I could feel what she was feeling, just from that look. She was probably just like me, or how I used to be. I imagined her life at home.
A happy, ‘picture perfect’ family, with the exception of her. She stood out. She probably sat in her room listening to the same music, had the same fights with her older, prettier sister and she probably felt alone all the time.
I almost wanted to go sit with her, but I remember how hard I worked to get here and I decided that it’d be better if I just forgot about her. I didn’t need to think about this.
At the back of the room I was sitting down and meeting my new ‘friends’, which I didn’t have a choice in who they were.
“I’m Sapphire, this is Ruby and Jade.”
Their names were so ‘matchy’ they sounded like a girl gang of stones, it was an intimidating thought to say the least.
Sapphire looked like the all American girl next door. She had long blonde hair that fell just below her chest. She was tall, tan and skinny. She was a cliché. There was nothing much that made her, her own person, she looked just like a movie star and there were plenty of those already.
Ruby had curly brown hair that reached her hips. She was slightly shorter than Sapphire, but I wasn’t sure if it was just because Sapphires’ shoes were taller than the empire state building or because she was actually short.
Ruby’s face looked to have more personality, it was hard to see her freckles under the layers of make-up she had on, but she had a warm and natural beauty about her.
Jade was just as tall as Ruby. It was almost as if this was done on purpose, like they all were dolls made in a shop.
Jade, had green eyes, that well, pretty much looked like Jades. Her eyes drew me in, they had a story hidden behind them, but her fringe also drew me into her eyes, because it was resting just above them.
“I’m Elle”
I didn’t really know what else to say about myself, I wasn’t all that special.
“You’re so lucky we saved you from June” They all laughed again “She is such a loser!”
Listening to them taught and talk about June, sat uneasy with me. But I forced a smile to my face and laughed with them. I guess was finally belonging. It felt nice to actually be included for once.
The rest of the day was a blur. It went by so quickly. I only remember ‘laughing’ at everything and doing no work at all, but getting away with it. I guess you make the rules when you’re beautiful.
Well, they made the rules, I simply followed them. Smile. Laugh. Repeat.
That sounded easy and pleasant enough, this would be my life everyday now, just looking gorgeous and being praised for it.
…
The bell finally rang and I walked to the car park and waited for my mum to pick me up. After five minutes of waiting and checking my phone. They showed up to.
“Tell your mum we’re coming over.”
I looked down and smiled. I was hoping my mum would say yes. I’ve never had friends at my house before, well human friends. I mean, Scruffy was always there with me, and he counts.
Mum finally showed up. I introduced Sapphire, Ruby and Jade and mum drove us to our house. In the car I couldn’t keep a conversation, the only thing I could focus on was my fingers. I looked at the detail of each them. All the same yet all different. I didn’t realise how long I spent on this as we were already in my drive way.
“Nice house” Sapphire sarcastically said.
My fears were creeping in already. I needed them to like me. I wasn’t going to be a loser for the rest of my life.
“Show us your room.” They all chimed.
When they spoke in unison, it played with my mind. How could they all think the same?
I reluctantly walked them down the long corridor, which had never felt this small. It was closing in on me, as if my house was telling me no. But I continued on, they had to like me, they just had to.
I sat alone and worried on my bed as they went through my room. I watched as it was being ripped apart. All that was me, or the old me, was being thrown away.
“What is this?” “Why do you have this?” “We should redecorate your room”
Their comments swirled around in my head, but I didn’t respond. I just nodded and they continued with their ‘job’.
I worried that they might find something that might make me uncool or lame. But I thought about the bright side. If these girls were beautiful they could help me and all I could do was listen and act. I’d become better at acting.
“Can you turn that damn music down!” Gemma yelled from her room. “You’re giving me a headache! Why do you always have to be so freaking annoying!”
Of course she had to do this the one time that I had friends over. These were my only friends and she has to try and fight with me. I could feel the mental knives she was throwing at me through her voice. She made it clear, that I was to do what she wanted or else.
“Who was that?” Ruby asked.
“Gemma” I sighed. “My sister”
The girls eyes widen and they made their way out of my room. What were they doing? I don’t want Gemma involved.
I followed them out praying they wouldn’t speak to her, when Gemma was mad, she was really mad.
“Gemma, we haven’t seen you in a while” Sapphire said.
I don’t know why I’m so surprised that they know each other. She’s pretty popular, I’m sure everyone knows her in some way or another. I mean, Gemma gets around.
“Not you again” Gemma rolled her eyes. “Leave me alone, I’m not doing this again.”
It was so interesting to watch them bicker. Gemma’s eyes looked scared but she held a strong face. She never showed fear, to anyone.
“I’d watch your back if I were you Gem,” Sapphire smirked “I’m not finished with you just yet.”
They yelled and killed each other with words for hours. It was giving me a headache. I couldn’t handle it anymore! I decided to go back to my bedroom, just me, my music and more me. I wasn’t going to be disturbed. I didn’t know how to feel about that this time though. Was I happy or was I sad?
I didn’t know what emotion to feel. I was glad I was gone because if I had stayed any longer, I think I would’ve seen another side to Gemma and I don’t think It would’ve been good. She was close to a breakdown.
I still couldn’t stop wondering how they knew each other. Were my new friends, old friends of Gemma? Were they enemy’s? Who even were these girls? What am I getting myself into?!
I couldn’t sit in silence anymore and play ‘twenty questions’ over it. I had to clear my mind. There was only one way for me to that. I picked up one of my jackets and I opened my window. I had to leave.
I listened to the wind sing it’s song through the trees and felt it on my skin.
“Oh, how I’ve missed this” I thought to myself.
It was so peaceful. I loved the feeling of being alone, because when I went for my walks I wasn’t really lonely.
That was it. I had to go back. Not to my home, but to my place.
…
I was almost there, just a bit further and I’d be there. I felt like I was taking steps backwards in a way, but none of that mattered, I needed closure. I hadn’t been there since I started reinventing myself. I was scared it might’ve been destroyed.
I got to the gate and I crept in the house as if I had never left. The same feeling remained. I felt welcomed and wanted. I belonged. We all belong somewhere, this is just where I belonged, where I fit in.
The stairs weren’t as dusty as I thought they would be, which was strange in a way, but I’m sure it meant nothing.
I sat in ‘my’ room at the top of the stairs and my eyes were like waterfalls now and I couldn’t stop them. I made no sound, I just bleed my tears. I’m unhappy, but I’m not sure why. I can’t stop these feelings. I couldn’t hide who I was in this house, it knew me and I could not lie.
I heard a creak in the hallway of the house. I held my breath, shut my eyes and hid behind the door not making a sound. I saw a girl rush into the room next to this one.
Who was she and why was she here? I have conflicted feeling about seeing someone else here. I’m happy that the house doesn’t get lonely or that someone else cares, but I also hate the fact that someone else would come here. It’s the only place like this, it’s supposed to be my place.
I went to go and investigate. I looked through the crack of the door and to my surprise, it was June.
She sat there with a blade softly touching her skin and her loud silent screams for help filled her eyes. I busted the door open without thinking and I grabbed her arm before she did any damage.
“You don’t want to do that” I told her, “you’re better than this”
She struggled to get out of my grip and begged for the blade back.
“You don’t know me. Don’t tell me what to do. Let me do this!”
I heard the pain in her voice, saw the fear in her eyes and looked down at the scars imbedded in wrists.
“Trust me” I sighed “I do know you, because I used to be you.”
She looked up at me confused and scared but then quickly realised who I was.
“Elle, what are yo-”
I cut her off as soon as I realised where I was and what I was doing. I needed to leave. I can’t go back to the bottom when I haven’t even experienced the top.
“You never saw me”
I darted out of the room still holding the blade.
The night breeze wasn’t nice when I was running, nor did it feel warm, like it as ways did. I didn’t turn back, I just kept going and before I knew it I was home. But my head was not clear. It was full. Now more than ever.