-Ellie-
It's been a little over two months since I started my senior year at John Rogers High School. It's been over two months since Kit Kennedy bumped into me at lunch, starting this thing between us. Two months since I started hanging out with Kit and Finn pretty much every day.
Two months is also how long it took for everyone else in school to stop trying to start up a conversation with Kit, or try to get him to come to a party, or rejoin a team he used to be a part of. Two whole months, and I am still the only person, aside from Finn, that Kit Kennedy will talk to. Two whole months and I'm still not used to this feeling I get as I walk over to Kit in our sixth period class and see him smiling at me.
The feeling I get when Kit smiles at me during school, or even when he sits beside me at lunch (okay, so maybe he talks to Gwen and Maci a little bit too, but it's only small talk during lunch to not be rude - however, they think they're part of some elite club because of it), the point is - none of those feelings compare to the feelings Kit gives me when we're outside of school.
Outside of John Rogers High School's walls, Kit is a totally different person. He laughs more, he talks more, his eyes shine more, and even though I still don't know anything about what happened to him last year, I think that when he's away from the people who remind him of it, he feels more free to be himself.
Kit and I are not together, although that is what everyone at school seems to think. Kit Kennedy and I are friends, very good friends. We hang out after school, sometimes with Finn and sometimes just the two of us. We watch a lot of Netflix, he tries to teach me how to play video games, we take long car rides with no destinations, we eat, and sometimes we find ourselves holding hands. But that's it.
I don't want to push Kit to something he isn't ready for or doesn't want, so I am content with being his friend.
I've made other friends in the past two months, including Parker, who doesn't seem at all upset anymore that I don't text him or hang out with him after school. Parker is apparently Finn's best friend and actually a nice guy once he stops all the flirting and drops the shy guy act that he uses to get a girls attention.
When I say I've made other friends, what I mean is that there are more lunch tables I would be welcomed at now, but as far as actually hanging out goes - Kit and Finn are my main friends. Gwen and Maci are obviously my friends to, but with Maci dating Jake and Gwen being the president of a million different clubs, we don't have as much free time to hang out like we did over the summer.
I take my regular seat beside Kit and pull out my notes, trying to get in a few extra minutes of studying before Mr. Mattox begins passing out our tests. Kit and I studied for this test last night, and I feel pretty confident about it, but you can never be too prepared.
A few minutes later I look over at Kit just as our teacher walks into the room with our tests in his hand. We give each other an encouraging smile and thumbs up, but Kit seems to be off in a way. He has his notes out but he had never turned from the first page, and there's a slight grimace on his face as he forces a smile for me. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Let's get this over with so we can go finish that movie." He moves his notebook from his desk to his backpack, and I do the same as Mr. Mattox comes walking down our aisle handing out the tests.
The deal with Mr. Mattox is that once you've completed your test, you're free to go home for the day. Kit and Finn usually give me a ride home these days since Maci and Jake are now connected at the hip and she no longer walks with me.
I'm done with half of the questions when I look over at Kit to see how far along he is, only to notice that he is holding his head in both hands, his test only on page two.
I lean towards him and whisper low enough for only him to hear, "Kit, are you okay?" When he doesn't answer me I reach over and nudge him a little, "Kit...Kit are you okay?"
He slowly raises his head and turns towards me, "Ellie..." The tan complexion that I'm so envious of is drained from his face, leaving him a sickening pale white and glistening with sweat.
"Kit? What's wrong?" I was no longer whispering, panic setting in as I looked from his pale face to the slight tremor of his hands.
"There's two of you, Ellie." His eyes are unfocused and he isn't making any sense as he sways in his seat.
I raise my hand and Mr. Mattox notices Kit as soon as he looks my way. "Ellie, why don't you help Kit to the nurse." His voice is calm and in control, but I can see from the look on his face that he is also a little scared.
Kit needs help getting out of his seat, but once he's standing he seems to be able to walk just fine with a little help from me. Since he is a lot taller than me, he tries not to lean on me too much, and mostly uses me as a guide. When we get halfway down the hallway, away from Mr. Mattox and the rest of the class, Kit stops.
"I can't go to the nurse." He closes his eyes and holds his head in his hands, practically choking on the words.
I look at him like he's crazy, because he sounds crazy right now. He looks like he's about to fall over dead right here in the hallway and he's telling me he can't go to the nurse? "Kit, you have to go to the nurse. You really don't look good right now."
He looks panicked when his eyes met mine, his hand falling back to his side. "The nurse will call my mom. I can't worry my mom, El. It'll pass, I promise." he pleads.
"This looks serious."
"It's not. Really, El."
I look down the hallway, back towards the classroom we just left, and bite my lip as I think of what to do. I don't know what's going on right now, but the scared look in his eyes makes me want to do whatever he asks, "Are you sure you don't want to go to the nurse?"
"I'm sure. Will you just sit with me for a minute? It'll be over soon." He sinks to the floor and leans against the wall. tension visibly falling away from his shoulders . He closes his eyes tightly and I take a seat beside him. I'm going to give him five minutes and then I am dragging him to the nurse's office if he doesn't look any better.
We sit there on the cool tile floor for a couple of minutes in silence as Kit keeps his eyes closed and I stare at him intently, waiting for the color to come back to his face. Just as I am about to demand that he get up and go to the nurse, he lets out a deep breath and opens his eyes. His face isn't nearly as pale, and his eyes are back to their normal mesmerizing green, wide open and focused on me. "I told you it would pass."
I sigh in relief, "What was that Kit? You scared me to death." I don't mean for the words to come out broken, but they do as I place a hand over my heart. I was so scared that something terrible was happening to him. I'm holding back tears and I know he can see them, as well as the worry that is plastered on my face.
He turns so that he's facing me directly, the look on his face right now is more serious than I have ever seen him and it's making me slightly nervous. He looks into my eyes for what seems like forever before his gaze drifts down towards my mouth. I bite my lip, waiting for him to say something, to answer my questions, but instead he puts one hand behind my head and I can feel the warmth of his fingers on my neck as he pulls me closer.
His eyes are still on my mouth, and his fingers are tangling themselves in my hair. This is it. Kit Kennedy is going to kiss me, and right before his lips meet mine, he whispers, "I shouldn't do this."
I decide to not think about what those words mean or what he could be thinking right now, instead I kiss him back as we sit on the hallway floor, the same hall where I saw him for the first time all those weeks ago. I've been waiting for this and it's finally happening.
At first his lips barely graze mine, but after a few seconds it becomes deeper, like we've both been holding back all these weeks. I bring my hands up and tangle them in his curly hair, which is still a little damp from the sweat outbreak he had just moments before, but I don't care - not right now.
We sit there alone in the empty hall like that for a few minutes while everyone else is in class, before Kit pulls away. I look up at him, and just when I think there is no possible way I can find him any more attractive, he gives me the biggest smile I have yet to see him produce, followed by a wink.
"Don't worry about me, Ellie. I'll be fine. I just get migraines sometimes." He pushes my hair behind my ear before getting to his feet and reaching down to help me up.
The bell rings, ending the school day, and Kit quickly kisses me on the cheek before the doors open and students spill out of the classrooms.
"You're sure that you're okay?" He seems better, but I can't get the way he looked out of my head.
"I'm fine. I'll go home, get some rest and be good as new when you see me tomorrow." He assures me just as Finn comes walking towards us.
Finn takes one look at Kit and the smile on his face immediately drops. Kit looks back to normal to me, aside from the damp hair and drained look in his eyes, but maybe it's a twin thing, because Finn immediately knows that something happened, and he is not happy about it.
"Kit, say goodbye to Ellie and go get in the car." Yeah, Finn is definitely mad.
"Finn, I'm fine. It was just a headache."
"We'll let the doctors decide that, come on." He turns and heads towards the doors leading out to the parking lot without another word as Kit runs his hand through his hair and gives me an apologetic look.
"I'm sorry, El. I'll text-"
"NOW KIT!" Finn is already at the doors and he is in no mood to wait. I smile at Kit and nod as he takes off walking towards his brother, a look of pure annoyance on his face.
I guess there goes my ride today.
-Kit-
As soon as we get in the car Finn starts yelling at me like I'm a child.
"What the hell Kit? Were you just going to act like nothing happened? What even did happen? Why didn't you text me or go to the nurse?" He pulls out of the parking lot and takes off towards the hospital. I know that unlike Ellie, Finn won't stop and let me talk him out of it.
"I just had a headache in class and Ellie was taking me to the nurse when it went away. It's not a big deal." I know he isn't going to believe me, but it's worth a shot.
"Oh yeah? And did you tell Ellie why you had a headache?" His voice is lower now, but I know he's still pissed.
"There's no reason to tell her, it's nothing. I'm allowed to have headaches." I say as Finn pulls into the parking lot of the hospital. I'm pretty sure he broke a few traffic laws getting here, but I keep my mouth shut and unbuckle my seat belt, knowing that this is a battle I won't win if I try.
"Then I guess we'll just let the doctors confirm that." We get out of the car and I follow him into a very familiar section of the hospital.
Once I am put into a room, I loose all of my confidence and energy. I'm flooded with all the memories, thoughts, and emotions of the last year of my life that had all taken place in this very spot. It's like I've gone numb, and I feel a familiar throbbing in my head. Finn senses my hesitation and takes over all the talking and paperwork.
At some point I loose all track of time and I guess Finn called our mom because she arrives a few minutes after the nurse hooks me up to an IV and numerous other machines. I can tell that she is trying to be brave, but she suspects the worst, this is the exact reason that she texts me twenty times a day asking how I feel.
I go through the usual test and monitoring before the doctors decide that I need to be admitted and spend a few days here so that they can be sure before finalizing anything.
Eventually my grandma takes my mom home to get some rest and bring me some things in the morning. Finn decides to stay with me, just like he did all of last year.
Last year I was in the hospital for months on end, and Finn stayed the night every single night. The nurses and doctors didn't have the heart to tell him to go, and he refused the first couple of times they tried. Now, here he is, back in his usual chair beside me with his feet propped up on my bed, watching one of the five channels that the crappy little television gets.
"I kissed her." I say, watching as the first words I've said in hours register in Finn's mind. At first it doesn't seem like he heard me, then he whips his head around, his eyes wide in surprise.
"You kissed Ellie?" He jumps out of the chair and comes closer to me with his hand raised, ready for a high five.
"Yeah. Right before you came and dragged me out of the school and ruined the moment." I return the high five, but can't hold back my smile in order to feign anger.
"Dude, that's awesome! But I'm not sorry I ruined the moment, you needed a doctor."
"I know." I admit, hating the way the words tasted. I know that I need to be here, and I know that my brother did the right thing, but I don't have to be happy about it.
Later in the night, Finn is asleep in the cot that a nurse had brought up for him, but I can't sleep. I reach for my phone, and see that I have a text from Ellie. She had texted me a few hours ago, but with all the tests and doctors talking to me I hadn't really paid any attention to my phone.
Ellie: How are you feeling?
I reply even though she is probably sleeping.
I told you that you don't have to worry about me. I'm okay.
She replies almost immediately.
Ellie: Finn looked really worried.
I look over at my brother. I was annoyed with him for making a scene at school, but then I remembered how he didn't leave my side last year, and how he is sleeping on a hard hospital cot again because of me. Of course he was worried, if the roles were reversed I'd be worried too. Finn isn't just my twin brother, Finn is a part of me and if I thought I would lose him, I'd be scared as hell too.
Me: I'm sorry I scared you. I went to the doctor and had it checked out, I promise.
There, that isn't a lie. It isn't the full truth, but it isn't a lie.
Ellie: I'm glad you're okay, Kit.
Am I okay though? I don't know if I am, but I know that I'm not going to burden her with this right now.
Me: El...
Ellie: Yes?
Me: Would it be okay for me to kiss you again?
Hell, if I'm in this deep, I might as well enjoy it some before it all comes crashing down around me.
I watch as the little chat bubbles tell me that Ellie is typing. The bubbles appear and then disappear once, twice, three times.
Is she going to say no? Did I already mess this up?
Ellie: Kit, it would have been okay for you to kiss me two months ago.