I'm so, so, so, so, so, so sorry. I was very unmotivated, but finally forced myself to write this today. I hope it's decent to read.
Also, there's an important A/N at the end. Please, please read it.
"So, what exactly is this project, again?" I asked Sayori as we walked together, away from the site of the latest quarrel between my friends and me.
"Something about finding something with a deep meaning, then explaining it and giving examples," Sayori responded, actively avoiding cracks in the cement by hopping over them. Her eyes were on the ground as she bounced about, her lips twisted in concentration.
"That sounds like it could be difficult," I said, following Sayori's example and stepping over cracks. I loved my mother, and didn't have any reason to break her back, superstitious or not.
"Not very much, since I have an idea for it," Sayori answered, almost tripping over herself before I caught her, yanking her arm back. She steadied, sending me a bright smile. "Sorry."
"It's fine," I replied. "What were you saying about an idea?"
"Well, in the spirit of Monika and Y/N -" Sayori began, "and not to mention Yuri and Natsuki -" she giggled, "love!"
I wrinkled my nose. "Love?"
"Yes, why?" Sayori asked quizzically. "If we find Monika, it would be super-duper-uper-schmuper-cute to have you be an example. Oh, maybe we could find a way to get Yuri and Natsuki out of the game, too, and then it would be even adorabler!"
"Sayori, I can barely manage you," I teased. "What makes you think I can handle two more girls?"
"Not to mention when we find Monika," Sayori said, going along with the joke. "She's definitely the most difficult out of all four of us."
"Debatable," I sighed playfully. "It's a close tie between the two of you."
"Meanie!" Sayori giggled, swatting my shoulder.
We walked in relative quiet for a few moments, with the exception of Sayori humming a cheerful tune as she skipped along.
I gazed ahead, dually thinking about the project and finding Monika. As we walked back into the building, schoolwork faded from my thoughts, replaced by solely Monika.
I mulled over the dream I had about her, thinking about the flashback. Maybe I'd been searching in the wrong places. Could this reveal the missing bit in the puzzle I'd been piecing together while searching for Monika?
I thought over that morning, considering everything she'd said.
Emerald being her favorite color, joking about her pickle eyes, and her favorite place in the world being in the library, reading or writing poems in a quiet little place in the back with comfy chairs.
I shook my head, smiling at the thought of joking with Monika. It was hard to believe that that had only happened a few days ago. It was nice to think about the happiness she'd brought me before I had hurt her and she disappeared.
♡♡♡
True to Sayori's previous word, a day or two later the teacher pulled me aside and handed me a sheet explaining our project, apologizing for not getting it to me sooner. I shrugged it off, accepting her apology distantly, my mind elsewhere.
Between preparing for this project and the search for Monika, my brain was completely overwhelmed, the only functionality about me at the moment being the involuntary action of maintaining homeostasis.
I stepped out of the classroom to find Sayori, searching through the mass of students ecstatic for the end of the school day.
"Y/N!" I heard her call, and turned to see Sayori rushing towards me through the hallway, half-stumbling, half-running. Everyone remotely in her way scooted out of it, Sayori appearing to create a perfect runway in the collection of our eager peers.
Sayori finally reached me, breathing heavily and smiling brightly. "That was the most exercise I've gotten in the last four years," she puffed, leaning over to regain her breath.
"I'll bet," I said, cocking a brow: she seemed exhausted for a simple sprint through the hallway. Though who was I to say that? That was more exercise than I'd gotten in my life.
Once Sayori's heart rate slowed and she could walk without her legs throbbing in effort, we made our way out the school's entrance and towards home.
As we strolled, Sayori skipped, apparently full of energy again. "Do you think we could stop by the library to work on our project for a little bit?" she asked, hopping over a crack.
"Sure," I responded. "Need to check out a few books?"
"Uh-huh!" she replied. "So we're definitely doing love, then?"
I shrugged. "I suppose, seeing as we have no other ideas."
"Well, there is the debate about the existence of God," Sayori suggested, "if you're up for researching the forty-two hundred religions in the world."
I shuddered at the thought. "Love it is."
♡♡♡
When we reached the library, Sayori immediately ran off with my sparsely-used membership card, leaving me behind to ask the librarian about the books she needed.
Abandoned, I made my way towards the back of the library where the poetry books were kept, thinking that I could find one about love. Poetry usually conveyed deep messages, and if I could find a good poem and decipher it, this project would be a lot easier.
Going to the back of the library with light steps, careful not to disturb any patrons, I tossed a glance at Sayori. She was speaking enthusiastically, gesturing as she spoke to the librarian. She spotted me watching her and smiled happily, waving.
I returned the gesture, shaking my head in disbelief as I turned back to start walking again; no one but Sayori would be so excited about such a difficult project.
Returning from the distraction, I made my way to the very back of the library. I smiled as the cozy chairs came into view, initially hidden from my eyes by the large bookshelves. I approached the shelves, skimming the titles for books that seemed suitable to my mission.
After finding a rather large collection and tucking it into the crook of my arm, I glanced around at the remaining shelves, wondering if I should search those, too. I set a book down, ignoring it when it flipped open, the pages askew. I'd fix that in a second.
As I pondered the amount of books in my arm, something flashed by my vision, the sides of my eyes glimpsing someone.
I immediately turned, my back slamming into a shelf. The books on it trembled, and I steadied the shelf, spinning back around to try to spot whatever had just dashed past me. I didn't see anything but the silhouette of a person with honeyed brown hair that whipped around the corner of the bookshelf as they darted away to a shadowy section of the library.
Monika?
Heart racing, I slowly walked towards the direction the person had disappeared, my throat tight as I peeked around the corner.
Nothing.
I stepped past the corner, swallowing hard, and internally begging my heart to calm down. I edged my way forward, fists clenched and books held in my taut arms.
As I squinted into the shadows, I leaned forward, straining to see whoever that had been -
"Y/N?" a finger poked my shoulder.
I jumped, holding back a screech, and whipped around to see Sayori.
"Sayori, you scared the crap out of me!" I hissed, holding my chest. My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my head.
"Oops," she said sheepishly. "Sorry." She peeked around the corner. "What were you looking at?"
I heaved a sigh, smiling tensely. "Nothing. I was just seeing things." I grabbed my books, and began following Sayori to the librarian's desk to check out the books I'd found.
I didn't realize until later the book I'd left open and forgotten, and what a miracle it had been that I did.
♡♡♡
It was supper, and I'd opted for ordering ramen noodles from a restaurant nearby. I was too tired to cook after the last few days, and my mind was too busy to do anything remotely advanced beyond eating and aimlessly browsing the poetry books.
Sayori didn't mind this, engaged herself with the project. When Sayori was passionate about something, it showed. She even took up writing a poem herself every night, claiming composing them cleared her head and allowed her to refresh herself.
I could understand the feeling, and even attempted a few poems myself with mediocre results, but tonight I could barely manage to keep myself focused while ordering the ramen, much less picking up a pen and scribbling down something to reflect my feelings.
Mind buzzing with activity, I did the one thing I could actually manage - reading the love poetry I'd checked out earlier today. I thumbed through the books, catching various words with my mind flitting between thoughts.
The doorbell rang, announcing the arrival of our precious meal.
Sayori immediately dropped everything she had been holding, rushing to the door and slamming it open. "Do you have the ramen?" she demanded from the frightened delivery girl.
"Yes," she squeaked, holding out a plastic bag and a check to sign. I tossed Sayori a pen and a wad of money, and silently apologized to the poor delivery girl, who wasn't used to Sayori's enthusiasm for food and was probably scared out of her mind by said excitement.
"Keep the change," I called out before Sayori could take it, and I heard the sound of the door closing and Sayori rushing to the kitchen to get utensils. I closed my book, finished, leaning back as I glanced for the next one.
Shoot, I thought. I had left one open and abandoned at the library. I smacked my forehead, scolding myself for being so forgetful. That shadowy figure had really distracted me. . .
"Y/N?" I looked up to see Sayori peeking around the corner of the dining room wall. "You gonna eat with me?"
I stood, yawning. "I suppose." I'd look back at the library for the missing book later.
We ate in silence before Sayori spoke up, sucking a noodle into her mouth.
"Do you miss Monika?" she asked, poking her ramen.
I sighed. "Yeah. A lot."
"Why did she leave, again?" Sayori asked, peering up at me from her bowl.
"I said some awful things to her after she made me really mad," I mumbled.
"If you're comfortable telling me, what were they?" Sayori asked gently, surprising me; she was being shockingly mature.
"I said I'd delete her," I replied quietly, prodding my noodles and shamefully avoiding Sayori's eyes.
She was silent, and I peeked up at her. "Pretty bad, huh?"
"Yeah," she responded. "But you said you she had made you really mad, right?"
I nodded.
Sayori reached across the table, squeezing my forearm. "Sometimes we say things we don't mean; it's not your fault, it happens to the best of us. When we get really mad, we make mistakes. You shouldn't beat yourself up over it if you're truly sorry."
"I am," I said earnestly, "I'm really sorry."
She sat back, smiling kindly. "Then you have nothing to worry about besides telling her that."
I thought about this, twirling noodles with my utensil, before speaking up. "Thank you, Sayori."
She nodded, grinning. "Anytime for my sort-of best friend!"
We sat in comfortable, happy silence for a few moments. A lot of my guilt was dissipating with Sayori's reassurance, and I was grateful she'd let go of her childish nature for a few moments to comfort me.
Breaking our cozy silence, the doorbell rang for the second time tonight. I looked towards it, confused. Who could that be?
Sayori grinned. "More ramen? We're definitely best friends!" As she stood to open the door, I stopped her. "I didn't order anything else."
She sat, puzzled. "Then who would that be?"
I looked to the door again, and slowly got up, gesturing for Sayori to stay down. I grabbed a copy of [favorite book] that happened to be lying around, glad I had a thicker version than most. I crept to the door, thrusting it open and raising my book in case of attack.
The sight before me made me drop my book, something I later felt guilty for, though my shock was to be understood. There, on the doorstep, stood what I'd lost earlier: my book and a note tucked into it, familiar graceful handwriting peeking at me.
I grabbed the book, almost cracking the spine as I opened it and yanked the note out, scanning it.
You forgot two things at the library. This has been returned, but could you come and retrieve the other?
I dashed back inside, grabbing my coat and Sayori's arm.
She was startled as I clutched her elbow, pulling her with me. "Where are we going?"
"We're going to get the other lost thing."
♡♡♡
The library was closing in three minutes.
I darted inside, Sayori close on my trail, raising my hand in apology at the puzzled librarian at her desk.
"Monika's favorite place, Monika's favorite place," I muttered, sprinting to the poetry section.
There, on a cozy chair, surrounded by books of poetry, sat Monika.
Disheveled but somehow still gorgeous, she turned to look at me with tears in her eyes.
She stood up, dashing towards me, and I opened my arms. She crashed into me, completely sobbing now, and I felt myself begin to cry, too, as we buckled to the ground and collapsed in a weepy pile.
Okay, important A/N mentioned in beginning coming up.
Let me start this by stating my overall reasoning for writing this: Monika isn't a monster.
Before you jump into defensive mode because you're upset she deleted your favorite girl or something, please consider what I have to say.
At her worst, Monika is manipulative, cunning, and even a bit sadistic. The problem with her worst side, though, is not that she's at her lowest - everyone has had the moment when they screw up to the point that they feel like everyone is upset with them. The main issue with this is that people exploit her using this dark side, claiming she's a complete monster for causing so much suffering to the other members of the Literature Club. I won't disagree that she did some awful things, but you can't define a person by something they did wrong.
Using the argument presented by a modded Monika in 'Monika After Story' (a fantastic mod, I highly recommend it), Sayori, Yuri, and Natsuki are programmed, two-dimensional characters of coding. Monika deleting them is the same thing as you eliminating rivals in PVP games - if you do play those games, you can't claim to have never killed someone in it. It's simply not possible. If you've never the played those games, this doesn't apply to you, but it still does to others. Person A isn't a monster for shooting Person B in a game meant for harming people for entertainment. While this may not be a perfect comparison because DDLC is initially a cheery dating simulator, the game hidden beneath the happy facade is technically meant for Monika to delete the other girls.
The only character that you can argue wasn't two-dimensional was Sayori, but she only became all-knowing after Monika deleted herself and Sayori was thrust into the role of president. The most common ending was one where Sayori herself became the way Monika was when deleting the girls, but I don't see you calling Sayori a monster for almost becoming the bad person Monika did.
All in all, you can't judge Monika so harshly by her lowest moment - if we did that with everyone, there wouldn't be any noticeable good in the world. We don't do that in reality, so why do it so a (sort of) fictional character who just wanted freedom? You'd be lying or a complete saint if you said you wouldn't do something drastic to save yourself from an awful situation there seemed to be no way out of.
If you consider Monika a monster or dislike her, why are you even reading this?
Thoughts? Please leave them in the comments.