''You can let it all out here.'' The therapist said with an angelic smile. ''It won't go anywhere out of this room. I am here to be an ear and just listen. Your mother told me that you have been acting very strange these days and she also told me a dear friend has died a week ago and that is possibly why you are like this, in such a mood. She also told me that you are not communicating with anyone, that you didn't leave your bedroom since then and that she heard crying noises from your room. So she called me and asked if I can help. She thought that an environment like this will help you with opening up and just letting your feeling out without worry if someone is going to judge or won't understand them. I can make it sure, that I will listen, that I will understand and that I won't judge. So please talk to me, Dylan.''
''What is there to talk about? You know what happened and you know why I am acting like this, so why should I explain something so obvious?''
,,I indeed know why you are acting like this, but I want to know what you are feeling and tell me about what happened. From your perspective and add your feelings into the scenery. I want to know everything.''
''What do you really want to know?''
''Tell me about that day. Tell me every detail and every emotion you had inside of you.''
'' It was the most awful day of my life. I dream about it every single night. When I close my eyes the scenery starts to play and every time I even have a flashback I break into tears. It all started when we watched the last video he made for us. He was so serious and emotional, that the tears just started to fall by themselves. He screamed, hit himself and kept talking how his life is not worth living. He talked about me like I was some amazing person and that I deserve so much more than he does.''
''Do you?''
'' Of course not. I was a disgusting friend to him, not caring how he feels and only caring about myself. I just kept on thinking that if he has me, he has the whole world. He was an amazing person and he should receive more love then he actually did.''
''Then what happened?''
''At the end of the video, he told us that he is ready to end his life.''
'' What did you feel?''
'' It hit me like a truck. Also it is hard that I wasn't even aware that it was real. I stood up from the bench and wanted to run towards him, but it was too late. We were running all over the town thinking we can stop the cruel faith that was in front of us.''
''You were just running? Nothing went through your mind, you didn't have a plan?''
''A lot of thoughts were going through my head but none of them were positive once. I honestly didn't have a plan I just kept running and looking. At the end I made an agreement with the boys that we should go to the police and report it.''
''Why didn't you do it right away?''
''Something in us was telling that we can do it on our own and that if we do call the police that his life will be ruined even more. But it was a huge mistake.''
''What did you do after the report?''
''I went to his house with my friend Henry and we searched for some sign but there were none. He didn't want to be found and that was the worst feeling in the world.''
''How did you get into his house? Did his mother let you in?''
''No, I had the key. It was a good thing the mother didn't see us, because she is not such a huge fan of me.''
''Did you make a lot of fuss with him while you were hanging out so the mother didn't like that or?''
''She didn't even know I existed until I came to her door and told her that she is an awful mother.''
''That is a bit harsh, don't you think?''
''Not at all. I want someone to tell me that I was a bad friend to him to my face also. So after the house we went to his school to ask people did they see him, but that was also a stupid decision, because no one likes him there. He obviously never wanted to be friends with other people that won't appreciate how amazing he is. Then Henry ran up to me and the sentences that gave me hope in that moment was: ''They found him!'' He got a call from our other friend Craig and Craig told him that they found him. I felt my whole body become hot and my breath stopped. We ran immediately to the place they said that he is with the police and my friends.''
''Then what?''
''They had a location that he might be nearby.''
''Where was it?''
'' It was a forest near a beach, he really loved the beach. When we started to search there, I thought that we would see him chilling on the sand and just watching the waves. But as the search was going, I felt weird like something wasn't right.''
''What was going through your head?''
''That I am too late and that there is no way going back. And at the end I was right. One of the police men screamed:,, I found him!'' We all ran towards him and... I.... I'm sorry I can't do this.''
''Why, what happened?''
''He was dead! His lifeless body was there, lying next to a tree in the middle of the forest and right next to him was a blade! His wrist was totally slashed! He took his life just like that! What do you want me to say more?! How I feel and what will I feel later, huh?! After all of this you are just going to give me a medicine prescription and tell me that time will heal. I don't want that bullshit to be said to me, because it isn't true! He took his life away and after three days, I saw his lifeless body and realized how much the world is cruel, there is nothing to do about it and that for the rest of my life I have to deal with the fact that he is gone and that I will never get him back. His body was just there and I just watched. My friends were crying and cussing god for making such a wonderful person go like this. The police didn't do anything, didn't even try to calm us down, because even the people that didn't know him knew that he meant the world to us. Then when the thought that he is really dead came to me, I crashed onto the ground and started to yell out every cuss word, every god damn cuss word and even cussed at myself for being so dumb and gullible. I was that person, stupid and selfish. Then his mother came and she started also to cry. She didn't say anything just stood there, looked at the sky and cried. Why the hell is she crying?! Why does she think she gets to deserve to cry? I only see her as a criminal and her crying means nothing to me. Her tears won't wash away her sins at all. Then it gets worse, she lowers her head and sees me. She looks at me with hate and grabs me by the shoulders, with anger in her eyes and just stares. I try to leave her grip, but she was just too strong, she is a big woman. Finally she speaks, but her words burn my heart to aches.
'' Friend? You call yourself a friend? I remember you told me that you are the one who makes him happy, so what happened? You got sick of him and then ran to me, to make me get him back again? How dare you show yourself here and think that you are welcome! Look at him! Is that called happiness?! Huh?!''
I finally yanked out of her grip and yelled at her, because she just pissed me off too much. I am glad I said these following words, because she deserved every each and one.
''You are one to talk?! You are the one who made him like this! You are the one who never cared about him and treated him like trash. I know everything about his life so you cannot tell me anything! You didn't even know that he has friends!''
She smirked and slapped me hard. I guess that was the slap she attended to give the last time we were yelling at each other, but also had the slap from today.
''I gave him everything I had and tried to be the best version of myself, but I couldn't predict this coming. Did you ever think that if you were his real friend he would've talked about you and not keep it a secret?!''
At this point I was over with being polite and trying not to say anything bad and just continued to speak out of anger.
''Just like he kept the cutting scars a secret from you for more than two years, right?! You didn't even know about them! Or where he was going 2 years ago during the summer, right?! Face it woman, you are the problem, not me. You say you tried your best but have you?!''
She wanted to strangle me, but the cops separated us. All of this was very dramatic and just hard for everyone. The boys were at the other side and were crying over John and just kept on saying their apologies, which I honestly don't get. It is pointless now that he is gone.''
''Did you say sorry?'' The therapist asked while writing down something ''Did you ever think that the mother was just not emotionally unstable and the words she said were also words out of anger?''
'' I said sorry way later, while crying in my room and the mother thing I didn't think of that.''
''Well now that you have the possibility in your head, what are your thoughts?''
''Even if I knew that then, I would still say those words, because I was also angry and the words were just flowing.''
''You wouldn't think 'Oh this isn't right what I am saying and I should stop because it is so bad?',''
''Why should I care about what other people think?! It was my opinion and it still is! What said then, still is true today and will forever. She was a bad mother and will be remembered as one, maybe not to the world, but to me will.''
''That kind of attitude, not caring about others, is the attitude that got you here Dylan. Didn't you say that you never asked John how he felt?''
''Screw you! This situation is different! Now you are taking her side!''
''I am not taking anyone's side. I am just seeing the situation in different eyes. Sit down Dylan and continue the story.''
''There is nothing to be said anymore. I went home, cried my heart out and didn't close my eyes that night. The stars were shinning bright which made me think of him, because he said that he will look over us in the form of stars.''
''Those that have a meaning to your relationship or something else?''
''Of course it does.''
2 years ago...
''Wow the stars are so beautiful tonight!'' Craig's eyes glowed.
''Of course, this is the black town,'' Henry smirked ''where all of the stars are visible.''
''Whatever they are just stars guys.'' Dylan scoofed. ''I don't see the point of watching them so much. I will be interested if there is a shooting star, but just watching at the plain, stuck in one place stars is really boring.''
'' But how do you think you will see that special shooting star if you don't see the plane once also? That is not possible.'' Craig smiled.
Present...
Dylan smiled to himself. ''To find that one special friend you have to go through so many boring once and to just keep on looking, because how do you think you will meet that special person, if you don't meet the boring once also? It's impossible.''
2 years ago...
Luise patted his back. ''You see Dylan; you can see all of these stars when it is really dark. We are looking at them and they are at us, but when the sun comes up they disappear in our eyes, but they still can see us. They are watching our every move without us even knowing it. Isn't that crazy?''
Present...
''I will get to see him only when it is dark, but when night turns into day, he will be watching over me, my every move without me even knowing. Isn't that heartbreaking?''
''So it does have a meaning.''
''Everything he did had a meaning. He made us so happy with the little things he did and even when he was ready to kill himself, he was thinking of us and how he didn't want to go away without a goodbye. It breaks my heart how much work he put in just to say goodbye to us and never thought of coming to us face to face. We would've talking him out of the idea and even save his life. If I just didn't fought with him last summer, everything would've been fine. We made up in the end, but it made damage in our friendship''
''By what I've heard from you it doesn't seem like that. If there was damage he wouldn't just make so many memories with you, make such wonderful gifts and even tell you what he will do to himself. Just think about it. Our time has run out, but all I have to say is sorry for your lost. When is the funeral?''
''Today.''
''Okay, we will talk about it tomorrow, don't forget about the meeting and stay safe.''
She walked him to the door and they parted ways. As Dylan was walking out, he saw his mother waving at him, also gesturing him to hurry, from her car. He got in and she turned on the car immediately.
''So how did it go? Wasn't I right that it will help you?'' He stayed silent. ''Come on Dylan do not ignore me, I'm doing this all for you. That woman in there is going to help you cope with your feelings and thoughts.'' Still silent. ''Is there anything besides John that is bothering you?''
''No mom, I am just thinking, trying to prepare myself for the funeral, since it is soon. The therapist is okay. We talked during the whole session, so she is worth the money.''
''I'm glad to hear that. I ironed the suit and it is waiting for you on your bed.''
''Thanks mom.''
No matter how nice he was to people he was being too mean to himself, in his head. He is aware that the therapist won't help him at all, since nothing can be forgotten or erased if you just talk it out. He will keep going to that lady since his mom wants, he doesn't want her to worry. But the pictures, feelings and thought will never stop going through his head, since he remembers everything.
He didn't talk to Craig and Henry since then. He turned off his phone and spent the whole week in his bed staring at the ceiling. No one knocked at his door to see how he was doing, because he asked not to be bothered and he was happy that they respected that. They came home and he ran straight to his room to get ready.
As he was putting on the suit, all he could think about is that John would probably say:
''You look weird in suits, change into something more natural, like those ripped jeans you like so much and the band T-Shirt I bought you for your birthday''.
Nothing is more weird then looking at yourself in the mirror for too long; you start to convince yourself, that the person in the mirror is not you and that all of this is an illusion. But as normal people would just shake their head from that fact and stop looking at the mirror, Dylan keeps on looking, trying to figure then who is the person in the mirror staring so violently at him. Is it his conscience that is judging him from the other universe or just his reflection? He didn't blink at all and waited to see who was hiding behind him. Suddenly a flash back from seeing John's dead body came to his mind and he quickly removed his glance and shock it off. It was the worst feeling in the world he had. His heart was beating to fast, but his lungs weren't taking any oxygen, just letting it all out. He felt insane in that moment, like there was something wrong with him. He wanted to forget everything!
''God dammit John! Did you have to go like this, to you know that you ruined all of our lives you idiot?! I can't close my eyes without thinking about you!''
His mother walked in, because he kept hitting the side of his bed.
''What is all of that yelling about? Are you sure you are okay to go to the funeral? You need to be stable, do you want me to go with you?!''
He shook his head and hugged his mother, because he was aware how worried she is about him.
''No mom I am okay going there alone. I'm sorry for being so childish about it''.
She didn't say anything else and hugged him back.
My little boy is really broken now. That boy must've meant the whole world to him. Well, of course when that John guy saved him from that bully. But he just ended his life so quickly. Poor Dylan, I don't want to let him go ever again. I can't imagine how John's mother feels like. I don't know what I would do if I found out my son died like this. The awful feeling is coming back.
The mother thought to herself as hugging Dylan even harder.
''I'm going to stop distracting you, since I don't want you to be late''.
And she left the room leaving Dylan once more alone.
He turned back at the mirror and opened it, pulling out John's box out of it. He took a look at his stuff while sitting on his bed. At the end he opened John's diary. He loves John's handwriting so much that it makes him a little happy when he sees it, but the words written inside sometimes make the person stop smiling.
One of the pages....
Dear Friend,
Dylan loved his birthday surprise. Everything went as planned at I saw in his eyes that he really did have a good time. But besides that he got me thinking about stuff that isn't pretty since he almost got hit by a car. It was the scariest thing ever. I don't want to imagine what could've happened if I wasn't there to save him. It made me sad for the rest of the day, but I didn't show it. I did snap at him for the first like two minutes, but later on didn't say anything. He was shaking in my arms and I wanted to cry so much, but I knew that if I cry he will also let out tears and I didn't want him to get sad. I truly care about each and one of them and even consider them as my family. They are making me so happy the whole summer that I am ready to take a bullet for them. I bought them all presents to remember me if anything makes us part ways, which I hope won't. Soon school starts which I am not looking forward to since I will have less time for the boys and will be the miserable self I was before this summer. I got to go now; the guys and I are going to the beach. I hope you are having a great day and are just as happy as I am.
From your friend
Dylan closed the notebook, put it in the box and hid it again in the mirror. He then stood up, looked at his self in the mirror once more and left.
While Dylan was looking back at memories, Henry was getting ready and having some problems with his tie.
Alice giggled. ''After all of these years practicing you still don't know how to put on a tie.''
She said while leaning on the door. '' You look good little brother''
She approached him slowly and fixed his tie)
''Where are you going?'' He asked since she was dressed up nicely and all in black.
''Obviously to the funeral. I want to pay my respect and also to be your moral support. No person should go to a funeral and leave it alone. I also knew him and he did some good deeds for me, that I need to return.''
''Did he say anything about me to you?''
''Well during the hospital time, two years ago, he said that he really cares about you and that seeing you like this is something he doesn't want to happen again. He also said that you really love us and that we have become such a huge part of your life and that you are determined to protect what you love. He was right. After that day, I saw you changed in a positive way and I am glad.''
''Thanks.'' She nodded and patted his shoulder.
'' I wish I talked to him more; who knows maybe all of this wouldn't happen. If you ever feel the need to vent to me again, even if it's in the middle of the night, I won't have a problem with it. I know how hard it is to lose a friend. You were there when my friend was battling with some things and you listened to every dramatic thing that happened so I am here to listen to you now.'' She smiled at him finishing the fixing and left, but he kept talking like she was still here.
''Even you got to see the person that brought so much joy to a few people. I knew that you are not telling me everything that he told you, because you promised him not to and thank you for keeping your promise. I don't even know what to do at a funeral. I don't even want to cry since I know that he doesn't want me to do that. I can't believe I am still talking to myself. I need to stop.''
And he did. He took everything he needed, looked the house door and his sister and him headed towards the funeral in their car.
Just like Dylan, Craig was also the one who was going to go alone to the funeral. But unlike the others he wasn't at home before the funeral. He was at the beach with Sunny. They were sitting on the beach and just talking. They aren't together, but she has been a huge part of his life after the day they meet.
''Are you sure you don't want me to come with you? I want to be there because I know you'll be very sad and want to hug you whenever you want to cry. I know that this week was really hard for you and it is going to get even harder, but know that I am here for you and that I really care.''
''Thanks. I'm going to be fine alone, just because we had this talk before it. It still feels like a really bad dream that ended without me realizing it was a dream. I just can't believe that all of this is happening, to me, to you, that it had to happen to him. It just doesn't seem right.''
''I know. From the stories I heard from you, he doesn't seem that bad and he doesn't seem like a person who would do such a thing. He did have a lot of problems before you guys came and you can't just fade them Craig. He probably battled with a lot of thought and pain while he was alone.''
''He definitely did. Did you ever want to go back in time? Did you ever felt like you wanted to change something, because you know that it is better for it to go that way then the other way?''
''What are you targeting? You wish you never knew him?'' Craig lowered his head.
''Craig, that is a mean thought, not just from your side, but from John's.''
''How so? I know that if we didn't meet the way we did in the first place, we would meet somehow, in another way for sure. It all started with the phone call and ended with a video. I just want to think what the world would look like in my eyes if I really didn't meet him.''
''I don't know about you, but I can probably speak from his side.'' He glanced at her. ''He left the world just a little less sad, because you were a part of his life. At some point you must've made him so happy that he did the videos and the presents for you, let alone give your friendship an eternal feeling, by marking this place yours. He sounds like the type of person that would tell you if you didn't make him happy or did, and from that video, does presents and your history, you totally made him happy and he is grateful for that.''
Craig stood up and cleaned the sand off of his suit. He then helped Sunny up and they walked towards his car. ,,Thank you, for listening and talking to me. As I already said I needed it. I got to go now or I will be late''. She nodded and he drove away.
I lied. I know who he is and he really cared about you guys. I promised I will not tell you about me knowing him and will continue to take care of you, just like he asked me to. It is so sad that he left like that, but I won't leave you and will give you everything I have. He was right, I do like you and you are my type: sweet and caring. He brought me to you and I will always be thankful for such a gift given to me. One week with you feels like a life time. I will make you happy. We will be happy together.
Those were the thoughts of Sunny, as Craig was driving away to the funeral. She isfalling for a man that is picking himself from the ground.