Rashad
"A few of us are going to head over to Crave for drinks. You want to come?" My co-worker, Bradford Hampton, asked me while standing in the doorway of my office. I looked at the framed picture of my wife Joy, and our two daughters, Aylen and Kiana that sat on the corner of my desk.
"Maybe another day," I told him. "We've got plans tonight," I informed him.
"When I get married, I hope I'm still into my wife the way you're into yours," he said. "All the other married men around here either work late to avoid going home or are cheating on their wives. None of them seem happy," he went on. His last statement stung because technically that was me, except I was happy in my marriage. I also did a better job of keeping my flaws from everyone I worked with.
"When you find the one you can't live without, you'll understand." I said, the guilt of my indiscretion eating at me. I felt like a fraud.
"Naw, I don't see that for at least another ten years." He chuckled. "Alright, happily married man. See you next week."
"Be safe out there." I said as he walked on.
A few more colleagues popped their heads inside of my office, needing me to help them with things and I tried to swiftly handle each issue. As a Cyber Security Analyst, even when we were off, we were technically still at work because there was always some new computer virus, threat or malicious attack that needed resolving right away.
I checked my watch and saw that it was a little after five. If I was going to make it in time to pick up our girls from daycare, I had to leave right then. I logged off all four of my computers and gathered my things. Since Joy had walked out, I had been playing double duty and doing everything by myself. I wasn't sure how much longer I could, though.
Once I reached my metallic gray Jeep Grand Cherokee, I rushed inside. I then sped through traffic until I reached their daycare with only seven minutes to spare.
"Mr. Richards," the older woman who reminded me of my mother said with a welcoming smile. "How are you today?"
"I'm doing good, Ms. Hammond. How about you?" I returned while swiping my card to verify my identity.
"I am blessed and highly favored." She said proudly.
"Amen to that," I replied.
"Daddy!" I heard both Aylen and Kiana squeal before I saw them running towards me. They were still not used to me being the one to pick them up, so this was exciting for them. I lifted them both up, securing one girl in each arm.
"Daddy's girls," I sang as I rained both of them with kisses. "Thank you, Ms. Hammond. I'll see you next week." I said while walking towards the door.
"You make sure to tell that beautiful wife of yours that I miss seeing her face around here." She returned.
"I will," I said with confidence even though I felt everything but that inside. It had been three days since Joy had called me and semi-agreed to work things out. I hadn't heard from her since, and I had no right to pressure her either. She made sure to call the girls each night and would read them a story before bed, outside of that, she said nothing to me.
"Will mommy be home tonight?" Our four-year-old daughter, Aylen asked me as I strapped our two-year-old, Kiana into her car seat.
"I'll have to call her and see," I told her once I ensured that both girls were secure in the back seat.
"I want mommy." Kiana pouted.
"I want mommy, too," I said trying to hide the sadness from my voice. "Sometimes, mommies need a vacation."
"Why didn't she want to go on vacation with us?" Aylen asked.
"It's not that she didn't want to go on vacation with us," I tried to clarify in a way that they both could understand. "Mommy just needed some time to rest.
"Do you miss her?" Aylen asked me.
"I miss her very much," I told her trying my best not to get choked up in front of them. "When she gets back, she is going to shower both of you with so many kisses." I started tickling both of them at the same time, and they started laughing. "I know what will make you feel better, how about Daddy picks up some food from Chick-Fil-A for dinner.
"Yay." They both started cheering. I closed the door and walked around to get inside. I was surprised that the late September air was as chilly as it was.
After picking up two kids meals, I made the drive to our three-bedroom ranch style home. We purchased it the year after I left the Army and got my job in Cyber Security at Lockheed Martin. It was soon after moving in, that we found out that Joy was pregnant with Kiana.
When both girls were done with dinner and telling me all about their day, I was just about to get them ready for their baths when I heard the front door open. When Joy strolled into the kitchen, I almost found myself breaking down with relief. I missed her more than I even realized.
"Mommy!" Both girls screamed jumping up from the table to run after her. Dressed in sweats, she squatted to their level and hugged them both at the same time. To see all three of my girls so happy was met with mixed emotions as I thought about all of the bad decisions I'd made that got us all to this point in the first place. And even still, I wasn't sure what was going to happen moving forward.
"Oh, my goodness, you girls really did miss me." Joy said, her laughter echoing throughout the dining room.
"Daddy missed you too," Kiana informed her innocently. Joy purposely didn't respond to that comment.
"Let me look at you," she said taking a step back, "I think you both have grown at least an inch since I've been gone."
"Can we mark it on the wall?" Aylen asked with excitement.
"We can do that after your bath." Joy answered.
"Can you give us our bath?" Aylen asked.
"I made sure to get here just in time so that I could do that." Joy said taking both of their hands. She didn't look at me or acknowledge me as she did so. I couldn't blame her.
I first met Joy Pollard when she was eighteen years old. She was a freshman at North Carolina State University and attending the CIAA basketball tournament in Charlotte, North Carolina with her friends. I was in the second year of my Army enlistment as a military intelligence soldier stationed at Fort Bragg in Fayetteville, North Carolina. A group of us wanted to get away from the post and meet girls, and one of my boys from Charlotte convinced us to go with him to the tournament.
It was there among the sea of beautiful women everywhere that I met Joy at one of the weekend's parties. Her hair was longer, but she was just as beautiful then as she was today. We exchanged information and kept in touch as friends, but soon after, we realized that friendship wasn't enough. During that summer, we would visit each other often, and then without asking for permission from either of our parents, we went to the Justice of the Peace and got married.
Our parents were both upset with us and disappointed with how we rushed into everything. But we were so in love, and all we wanted to do was be together, we didn't care how young we were. I told them all that Joy was it for me and that I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. That next year, I separated from the military and took the job at Lockheed Martin in Raleigh, so that Joy could finish her degree.
While reminiscing, I began to clean up the kitchen. I was trying to give her as much time alone with the kids as possible. I knew that we would talk once the kids were asleep. My presence would have only made things awkward, and I didn't want either girl to be worried about what was going on between their parents. I always wanted my daughters to feel secure.
The past week without Joy had been the longest week of my life. I wasn't sure if I was going to lose her or not and that thought alone terrified me. I regretted what I did because sleeping with Demetria wasn't worth losing my wife.
I walked towards our daughter's newly decorated black female superhero room. It was Joy's idea after seeing the blockbuster movie Black Panther. She wanted them to be surrounded by images of Black female empowerment so she painted murals of Storm from the X-men, Nubia who was Wonder Woman's black sister, Spectrum from the Mighty Avengers, Thunder and Lightning from Black Lightning, Vixen from the Justice League, Bumblebee from Doom Patrol, Monica Rambeau from the Avengers, Rocket from the DC Comics, Misty Knight, and of course Shuri, Nakia, and Okoye from Black Panther. The girls loved it.
Joy's interest in comic books along with her artistic talent was a huge reason I had been drawn to her. She was just so different from other girls I has met. She wanted to be an elementary art teacher but changed her mind after giving birth to Aylen. Being a mother was important to her, and she wanted to be available as much as she could when it came to our daughters. It was something she didn't have growing up with a single mother and felt strongly about.
Rather than teach at a traditional school, she was a freelance art teacher and taught classes at all of the YMCA's and community centers throughout the Triangle area which consisted of all of the surrounding cities between Raleigh, Durham, and Chapel Hill. Her one dream was to open up her own art studio and teach art to underprivileged kids.
I peeked my head into the room and found Joy reading as they all lay in Kiana's twin-sized bed. Kiana was already asleep, but Aylen was so happy to have her mom home that she continued battling with closing her eyes. I took in all of my wife's natural beauty from her toasted beige skin which was sprinkled with light brown freckles to her moonlid-shaped eyes, her button nose, and full lips. She resembled a porcelain doll, that was how naturally beautiful she was. When she cut all of her long dark hair while pregnant with Kiana, it only enhanced that beauty. Because of me, her already light skin appeared even paler. The dark circles under her eyes let me know that she hadn't been sleeping well. It drove me crazy to know that I did this to her.
I was so deep in thought that I didn't notice that she had slid off the bed and was carrying Aylen to her bed. As she tucked our oldest daughter under the covers, I walked over to where Kiana was sleeping peacefully and kissed her on the forehead. When I stood up to do the same to Ayena, Joy left the room. I took one last look at both of my girls before turning off the lamp.
"Daddy's going to make this right." I promised them even though I knew that they couldn't hear me. After giving myself a mental pep talk, I walked out of their room in search of Joy. I found her in the master bedroom rummaging through her drawers.
"Have you eaten?" I decided to try and ease into a conversation with her. She didn't say anything and continued pulling clothes out of her drawers. My chest began to pound with nervousness as I wondered what she was doing or if she was leaving again.
Taking a chance, I walked over to her, and she stood upright staring at me with a questionable expression. The amount of anger I could still see behind her eyes let me know that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Baby, wait." I said taking one of her hands, but she snatched it away. "I need you to hear me. I am so sorry for what I did to you."
"Sorry for what?" She asked with disgust. "Sorry that you cheated on me? Or sorry that I caught you?"
"I'm sorry for hurting you."
"You did more than hurt me." She said, and I could see that she was fighting tears. I took a step forward to pull her into my arms and she took a step back. "Don't touch me. Just because I'm here, doesn't mean anything." She shook her head. "I'm only here because of those two girls in that other room."
I had never seen Joy so angry in the seven years we had been together, and she had every right to be, I had messed up. It had been the first and only time I cheated on her, and I still didn't understand why I did it in the first place.
"I can't lose you, Joy." I began to tell her, my pride completely thrown out of the window. "You mean everything to me."
"You recorded yourself having sex with another woman." She said through her gritted teeth, trying her best to keep her voice low because our daughters were sleeping down the hall. I could see that she wanted to scream and hit me at that moment.
"It was dumb," I told her. And I knew that was the lamest thing I could have said, but it was all I had.
"Dumb is when you forget to pay a bill or lose your wallet, fucking another woman, recording it, and keeping it on your phone is not dumb," she argued as tears trailed down her face. "What you did was evil, and it will take me a long time to forgive you for this."
"Whatever you need me to do, I will do. If you want to go to counseling, we can do that." I pleaded. "You are the best thing to ever happen to me..." I got choked up by my own words as tears began to trail down my face.
"I want you to move into the guest room," she said not at all moved by my tears.
"Don't you think that will affect the girls?"
"And you don't think fucking another woman would affect them?" She shot back at me through squinted eyes.
"If the girls see us staying in separate rooms, they're going to ask questions." I tried to remind her calmly, wiping the moisture from my face.
"Would you rather I moved out of the house?" She countered.
I didn't have an answer to that threat because just being without her for the past week had been difficult enough.
"Yes, I'm here," she said still struggling to keep her voice down for the sake of the girls. "But just because I'm standing here doesn't mean everything will be okay between us. It's not."
"She doesn't mean anything to me," I tried to convince her.
"Who is she?" She asked.
"She's nobody." I tried to assure her.
"If she's fucking my husband, then she's somebody," the venom in her voice caused me to take a step back to give her space. "Now tell me who she is." She demanded.
"Her name is Demetria," I told her hoping that would be enough.
"And how did your dick fall inside of her on camera?"
"Joy-"
"How did your dick fall inside of her, Rashad?" She repeated, her voice raising with each word.
"It was an accident." I weakly told her.
"An accident?" She repeated with disbelief. "Get the fuck out of my room, Rashad." She pointed at the door.
"Why do you want to know the details?" I asked her. I wasn't trying to protect Demetria or what I did. I couldn't lie my way out of it or take back what had happened. I just didn't want to cause Joy any more pain by telling her more.
"Because I need to know!" She yelled at me. I moved to our door and closed it. She covered her hand over her mouth as if she regretted almost waking the girls more than raising her voice at me. "I need to know what it is about this woman that could make you break your promise to me." She said around the rising and falling of her chest.
I ran my hands down my face and struggled with what to tell her; I knew the truth was only going to make this situation that much worse and that was the last thing I wanted.
"Are you in love with her?" Joy asked with hesitation.
"No," I shook my head vehemently. "You're the only woman that I love." I tried to reach for her again, but she backed away from me.
"Stop telling me that and tell me what I need to know and you can start by telling me who this woman is."
"Her name is Demetria Jensen." I said. "We went to high school together."
"High school?" She looked at me with confusion. "She's from Georgia?" I nodded. "I don't understand...how..." Her words drifted.
I thought about the Facebook request I had gotten from Demetria a year ago, I rarely even used that page except to interact with our business groups. At the time, we had innocently chatted in private messages, just catching up with each other. Not too long after, our conversations became more suggestive as she began to tell me how she had this big crush on me while we were in high school at Columbus High School in Columbus, Georgia. My father, Earnest Richards, was in the Army at the time and had gotten stationed at Fort Benning at the start of my junior year. Demetria was the baddest girl at our school and there wasn't a guy that didn't want to be with her. Back then, she exclusively dated one of the star basketball players, so I never had a real chance when it came to her. So, it was a surprise for me to hear that she had a thing for me.
Back and forth on messenger, we fantasized about what it would've been like had we ever gotten together. It all felt harmless to me because I never really believed that we would actually see each other again.
A few months ago, when my supervisor told me that I had to go to Fort Benning for some mandatory training, I hit Demetria up thinking that we would just go out to eat and catch-up in person. Curiosity had gotten the best of me. I never expected our dinner to turn into anything more than a good laugh.
Demetria was recently divorced and had just gotten back into the dating game, so she spent most of the night telling me horror stories about her dating experiences. Several drinks later, she was offering me the opportunity to fulfill my fantasy of having her- with no strings attached.
Initially, I turned her offer down and walked her to her car after dinner. It was while standing at her car door that she began to kiss on me and do all kinds of things that Joy had long stopped doing to me. My hormones took over, and I ended up allowing Demetria up to my room and there was no turning back.
Demetria could only be described as a freak; she was doing things to me that made me feel like I was starring in a porno and it was that suggestion that had me in the current predicament that I was in. It was her idea to record us having sex, stating that as long as our faces weren't in the video, no one would ever know. It was just supposed to be something that was fun, and that turned us both on in the moment.
So, I agreed, and Demetria positioned the phone so that our faces were disguised. I didn't take into account that my body tattoos would be a dead giveaway. When people talked about some people being dumb cheaters, they must have had me in mind because that is precisely what I was- a dumb cheater!
Joy always had free access to my phone because we never had anything to hide from each other. She trusted me, and I trusted her. I wasn't sure why she went through my phone that night, but she did and found the video. I denied everything at first, but when she pointed out my body tattoos as the dead giveaway, I couldn't lie anymore and admitted that it was me and that I had cheated on her. The pain I saw in my wife that night when she realized that I was guilty, was something I wanted to never re-live again. It killed me inside.
"Remember when I went to Fort Benning for training?" I asked. She acknowledged my question with a nod. "Well, Demetria and I got together and had dinner one night," I explained. "I guess we had a little too much to drink because one thing led to another...and..."
"Was this the same night that I couldn't reach you and you told me that you had gone out drinking with your boys?"
I remembered that lie clearly and cringed. "I'm sorry."
"How many times have you been with her?"
"It was just that one night." I tried to explain to her. "We haven't spoken since then." I wasn't lying about that part. When I woke up the next day and realized what I had done, I regretted it immediately. The video was honestly something I had forgotten about it, so when Joy found it, I kicked myself, mainly for not deleting it in the first place.
She chuckled sarcastically while shaking her head. "I don't believe you."
"Baby, I don't want her or anybody else. All I want is you." I said taking a step forward to hold her. I could see that the details of what happened was making her physically ill.
"Rashad, I need you to get out and leave me alone." She said pushing me away.
"Joy, this was why I didn't want to talk about this."
"It's not up to you." She said glaring at me. "I needed to know what happened and you owed me that."
"Joy, I-"
"Just get out! I don't want to look at your face; I don't even want you around me right now." She pointed at the door.
I realized then that I couldn't push her any further. The fact that she was home was enough for the moment.
"If you need me, I'll be in the other room," I told her as if she didn't already know that.
When I reached the door, I looked back to notice her crying in her hands on the bed. It tore me up inside because all I wanted to do was to hold her and promise her that everything was going to be okay. She didn't deserve any of this. It was then that I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make this up to her and piece my family back together.
***********
What do you think about Rashad?
His side of what happened?
Does it in anyway change how you feel about her going back to him?
Thank you guys for your patience and hanging with me. I'm really trying to balance all the writing and editing I have to do on top of this new story. I hope you're liking it so far.
-DL