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Chapter 20: Love and Hate
xxx
Draco stared intently at the board, wondering how he was going to make his next move. The older werewolf opposite him watched calmly over steepled fingers, his soft brown eyes oddly calculating. The Slytherin scowled. When they'd started this game, he'd thought it already won, but Lupin proved a better strategist than he'd given him credit for.
Finally, with a sigh, he reached out and moved one of the white chess pieces.
Immediately, Lupin smiled and used one finger to slide his own black queen three squares forward. "Checkmate," he murmured.
Draco scowled, unused to losing. He sat back in the cushy chair he'd perched on, reaching his hands above his head in a stretch. He'd arrived at the little hut – which was more like a cottage, really, he was coming to think – wearing pristinely folded school robes. But with the heat from the fireplace, he'd finally given in and hung them on the hook near the door, and grudgingly found himself much more comfortable in jeans and T-shirt.
"So did you lose your temper?" Lupin asked, continuing the conversation they'd held throughout the game, concerning the DA meeting two nights previous.
"Not particularly," the blond answered truthfully. "I argued with Weasley a bit, but not enough for it to show." He meant the wolf. "Besides, Potter no doubt would have stepped in if he noticed anything."
The professor smiled. "That's good. You're controlling your reactions, even in stressful situations. Well done, Draco."
The Slytherin looked unimpressed, lounging against one of the arms of the chair. "Stressful?" He smirked. "As Potter put it, I get free licence to curse as many of those idiots as I want. That's not stress. That's target practice."
The werewolf stared at him. "I don't think you're taking this as seriously as –"
"Oh I know, Merlin, I know. We're preparing for war, and all that melodrama…" He shook his head, looking at the ceiling in an apathetic fashion.
Remus frowned, but knew it was useless trying to discourage such flippancy. "You and Harry don't seem to be as antagonistic these days," he commented instead, changing the subject.
Draco looked at him sharply, almost alarmed. "Why do you say that?"
"Well, the mere fact that you managed to cooperate, even teach others, would suggest that the pair of you are calming."
The teenager scoffed. "Well, we're not," he said stubbornly, then realised how childish that sounded. "He's still a prat, I mean."
Remus hid his smile by standing and heading for the copper kettle near the hearth, carrying it over to the table where a couple of chipped cups waited. "Would you care for some tea?"
"You always ask me that. I always say no."
The older werewolf smiled. "It's polite to ask." He poured himself some of the hot drink and added milk, before returning to the fireside armchair. "If you wouldn't mind, I'd like you back here this weekend."
Draco hesitated. It was enough he was sacrificing this evening. He wasn't particularly fond of giving up his weekend as well. So he lied. "I have a date."
Remus looked at him sceptically. "Saturday and Sunday?"
The Slytherin's grey eyes didn't so much as flicker. "We're in love," he said dryly, knowing full well the older werewolf didn't believe him.
Remus sighed, but saw an opportunity to bring up a subject he'd been meaning to discuss. "If I thought you'd take any notice, I'd warn you to be careful about who you date from now on."
Draco, of course, fully intended not to take any notice – but the strangeness of such a warning made him frown at the other man. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Remus shrugged. "You're a werewolf now. A werewolf who has yet to find his mate, I may add."
The Slytherin scoffed, thinking he knew where this was going. "What? So if I go on one date it'll mean I've suddenly found a mate? That I'll be stuck with her for the rest of my life? I hardly think –"
"Of course not, don't be silly." Shaking his head, Remus paused to sip his tea before continuing. "No, we only ever have one mate, and I'm afraid we don't have the luxury of choosing. The problem, you see, comes with the fact that we're also perfectly capable of falling in love with others, if we're not lucky enough to find our mate quite promptly."
Confused, the blond scowled. "What?"
"Well, let's be hypothetical. Say you go out with whichever girl it is that's caught your eye. All goes well, the two of you hit it off, as they say, and eventually fall in love. You plan to marry her, possibly have children –"
"I don't want children, and I very much doubt I'm likely to fall in –"
"That's not the point. The point is that you're hypothetically head over heels for this girl. And then you meet your mate." Remus shrugged, his expression slightly sad. "Well, of course, you have no choice in the matter. Everything in you will be insisting to bond with this person, to stay with them and never separate. To love them. Both you and the girl you originally fell for will be devastated, but there'll be no help for it."
Draco was, by now, staring back with some horror. "But that's like… It sounds like Imperious or something!"
The Professor gave an odd little smile, one that was both amused and wistful. "It won't feel like it. It'll feel like the best thing that ever happened to you."
They were silent for a while as Draco thought about this, privately dismissing the idea. He somehow doubted that yet another situation over which he had no control could feel like the best thing that ever happened to him. Thinking this, he glanced over at Lupin. The scorn that had been rapidly accumulating over this thought suddenly deflated at the look on his face. Draco guessed that the other man wasn't even aware he was revealing that much of himself.
"You… met your mate, then?" he asked, annoyed at himself for not putting some disdain into his tone.
Amber eyes flicked up to meet his, slightly surprised. "I… yes. I met him during my first year of Hogwarts, actually. Not that I realised at the time that he'd be my –"
"Him?"
Remus blinked. "Uhm, yes. Sirius Black."
Draco's eyebrows climbed, despite his struggles to keep his surprise concealed. "But… I mean, I would have assumed… if only for the sake of… of… reproduction, that a mate had to be… well…"
Remus had to laugh. He couldn't help it, confronted with the Slytherin's discomfort. "What, female?" he managed to supply through his chuckles. "Not necessarily. You'll find most of our kind aren't much interested in reproduction, as you so clinically put it, for fear of passing on the disease."
"Oh," Draco muttered, intelligently.
Again they lapsed into silence as this latest rush of information was processed. The Slytherin wasn't sure why he was indulging this line of conversation – which, really, had gotten way too personal somewhere along the line – but it had piqued his curiosity. He was interested, in a morbid sort of way. For example, it was a revelation to learn that Lupin was gay – despite the side of him screaming in earnest that he could have lived happily without ever discovering that. And with Black, of all people. But wait–
"Isn't Sirius Black dead?"
Draco regretted his tactless question as soon as it left his mouth, which was an occurrence in itself. Lupin looked at him in shock, seemingly unable to react for a few long seconds.
"I… Uhm, sorry," the Slytherin hedged, feeling sheepish.
"No, that's… that's quite alright. It's quite refreshing to hear it put bluntly, for once. Yes, he died near the end of last year."
"Sorry," Draco said again, though it seemed a habit of manners rather than genuine concern. "So… does that mean you're kind of stuck? I mean…" He cast around, trying to find a clarification that didn't sound too sappy.
The other werewolf seemed to catch his meaning, though. "Does it mean I can't fall for anyone else, now that my mate's been and gone?"
Draco nodded.
"No, I can. I sometimes doubt if it's fair to expect anyone to live up to the standard Sirius set, but… it's certainly possible."
The blond wanted to roll his eyes at such a cliché Gryffindorish expression of sentiment, but wisely kept them lowered in thought. "At least I know that mine isn't anyone at school," he said at length. "I think I would have noticed by now if I was compelled to trail around after one person in particular."
Lupin suddenly smirked, shaking his head faintly. "Don't be so sure. I knew Sirius for five years before it hit me. I even had interest in other people during my stay at Hogwarts. We can be quite dense, sometimes, about what's right in front of us."
Draco scowled. "That's helpful," he muttered, and Lupin nodded absently, sipping his tea.
xxx
When Draco had left, Remus busied himself setting up the chess board again. He arranged the black and white troops in neat rows, before sitting back with a sigh and sinking into the soft cushions. His eyes trailed slowly toward the fire, watching the flickering, dying light of the flames, and his thoughts wandered…
He thought of Severus.
Even now, he could hear the shocked, derisive laugh the other man had barked out upon fully absorbing the implications of the memory he'd stolen. Thinking of it, Remus cringed and sank further into the chair. He'd never seen the man look both scornful and horrified to such a severe degree.
Never in his life had Remus felt more humiliated in the presence of another human being. Not when the Bogart had revealed his worst fear to be himself, or even when the first Howlers had reached the Great Hall after his secret had been revealed in Harry's third year. He was tempted to Obliviate himself, if only to forget the look of mingled disdain and vindictive amusement shown in black eyes.
But as well as the coil of shame that twisted his stomach came the flare of anger that had hidden beneath his skin since the disastrous session. Severus had acted more than unprofessionally. It had cruelly thrilled him, Remus knew, having been linked to the man at the time, to be able to wreak this damage on him in a way he'd longed to do since their school years. True, Severus had been angry and confused by the pictures of Draco shown in his memory, but it had been an excuse. He'd practically dived on the chance to take out his barely-concealed bitterness.
With the violent, unwilling awakening of that single memory, and the string of others tied to it, similarly themed, Remus had felt his emotions upend. He could only imagine what would have happened if Severus had remained in his mind a second longer and witnessed the chaos he'd created, as well as the small shred of privacy Remus had managed to cling to. At the very least, the Potions Master hadn't realised the full depth of the crush teen-Remus had once harboured.
He himself had tried not to think of it in the time since his years at Hogwarts. Besides, he'd had Sirius, and felt no real want to remember his doomed infatuation. But now…
It had hit him full-force between the eyes as soon as Severus had rooted out the first of many memories he'd thought he'd buried forever. And it was confusing, and a betrayal, because those thoughts were still intriguing, and the boy and the man still fascinated him, and a crush was still as stupid and hopeless as it had always been! What was wrong with him? Was he really so callous he could find himself thinking of someone else so soon after Sirius? And so self-destructive, to be drawn to someone whose hatred for him radiated like heat…
He shook his head. None of it mattered anyway. If common sense couldn't keep him from doing something stupid, surely his own anger and outrage at the man would. He'd agreed to the Legilimency sessions so he could help, for goodness' sake! Help Harry, help the war effort, even Severus! He'd trusted him!
And, in return, Remus had never felt more violated in all his long-suffering, persecuted life.
Sighing, he closed his eyes, blocking out the sight of the furiously dancing flames. His face slowly became blank as his troubled expression eased away, and he closed off the turbulent emotions he would only ever allow to show in private.
He'd already decided to continue the sessions, as furious as he was. It was for the good, after all, and he could brave Severus's scorn if needs must.
But he could not allow anything else like that to happen again. He couldn't afford to.
xxx
Meanwhile, Draco had returned to the castle and promptly made his way down into the dungeons, heading for his godfather's potion lab. Severus had mentioned in passing that he intended to spend most of the evening brewing, so Draco saw no harm in dropping by. He might even lend a hand, if it appealed to him.
The Slytherin was bored, though he'd never admit to it. Classes finished, homework completed and no DA meetings for another couple of days, he found himself with nothing to do. Pansy was off somewhere with a gaggle of her giggling female friends, and Blaise was currently half-buried under a pile of essays. That was mostly the reason he'd consented to visiting the werewolf; there was nothing better to do.
The Potions Master glanced up with his customary scowl of annoyance when Draco entered the room without knocking. It faded somewhat with recognition, though not entirely.
"Draco," he greeted curtly. "Is there something you need?"
The blond shrugged. "Not really."
The professor blinked and straightened, looking away from the book he'd been scanning. "Then why are you here?"
"Can't I come see you without a reason?" There was a pause, during which the older man stared at him silently, looking nonplussed. Finally, Draco gave a little smile. "I've just spent over an hour with Lupin. I need some Slytherin company."
If possible, the professor's expression darkened even further, and he turned away, glaring into his potion. The younger Slytherin wondered if he'd said something wrong, but for the life of him couldn't think what. Severus knew he had to talk to the older werewolf on occasion, if only to stop himself going off the rails. As far as Draco knew, he approved, to some extent…
"You don't like him," the blond stated, though he had, of course, always known that.
"Of course I don't," came the snappish response as Severus sprinkled a handful of pre-prepared herbs into an already bubbling potion. "In fact, I'm surprised you can tolerate him at all, ridiculous man… From what I've heard, you tolerate him quite well." He flashed a glare.
Draco blinked in surprise. It had been a long time since he'd been on the receiving end of that look. Longer than he could remember, even. And he wasn't really sure what it was he'd done wrong. "What's that supposed to mean?"
His godfather snorted and flicked his wand. Though other movements were sharp and fast with obvious irritation, he was still as careful as ever while attending his potion. "I hope you keep in mind, Draco, that the current state of your life is his fault, while you're running wild with him and Potter."
The Slytherin stared at him stupidly for a long moment, before murmuring, with equal intelligence, "Y-you know about that…"
The last scrap of temper escaping his hold, Severus whirled on him, eyes flashing furiously. "What are you doing?" he demanded, voice cold, quiet and sibilant, conveying his anger so clearly Draco shivered despite himself. "What happened to fighting this?"
"What would you have me do?" the blond spat back in defiance, roused to annoyance as well. "I tried fighting it, and ignoring it – it didn't work! You didn't even see what it was doing to me! And, if you must know, the only time I didn't feel like I was losing my mind is when I talked to that prat!"
For the second time in so many days, he realised he was shouting without ever intending to.
Severus simply sneered. "I wasn't aware that 'talking' included gallivanting through the forest, or – or befriending Potter, for some godawful reason! Merlin Draco!"
"What are you talking about? I'm not his… friend!" They had both spat the word as if it was something disgusting, which, frankly, Draco thought it was – in reference to Potter, anyway. Now he simply stared incredulously. "He was just there the night I went out."
"Why were you outside anyway?"
"Because it helped!" Dammit, he thought privately, realising he'd just echoed Lupin's words without meaning to. "I don't know why, so don't ask. It just did." He broke off with an irritated little huff, then frowned. "How do you even know all this anyway? Potter wouldn't have told you, and I would have thought Lupin –"
"You forget I'm a Legilimens. Lupin couldn't protect his thoughts if his life depended on it. That much is obvious…" Fuming, he turned away and returned to his cauldron.
"You – you spied?" Stupid question, he thought seconds later. It wasn't as if Severus had been a spy for years on end or anything like that.
Without turning, his godfather asked snidely, "And I suppose you're enjoying your place in Dumbledore's Army?"
"Is that something else you stole from someone's mind?" the Slytherin retorted. It wasn't an idea that repulsed him – as it might have done if he had more morals – but it galled him that Severus had access to so much information about him.
"No, that's something Dumbledore deigned to share with me. He also told me of the curse you cast – something you neglected to do. It sounded very familiar, I must say."
Draco flushed. No, he'd never told Severus about what had happened, though he should have expected him to hear about it eventually. And there was no reason he wouldn't recognise the curse. He'd invented it, after all.
"It was an accident," he murmured in vague justification.
"I heard," was the dry, unimpressed response. "Irresponsible idiot. That's all you need on your record. Not only a werewolf, not only a Malfoy, the murderer of the Boy Who Lived. It would complete the image, wouldn't it?"
Draco glared at the older man's back with exasperation. "He's not dead."
"He could be," Severus snapped, before stopping with a short sigh, seeing them descending into pettiness. "Draco, perhaps it would be best if you came back another time, when we were both in better moods." Still, he didn't turn to look at his godson, and for the while there was a long silence. Then, a few footsteps and the door slammed with enough force to ripple the surface of his potion.
On some level, he could admit that he was being faintly unreasonable. In one breath, chastising the Slytherin for cursing Potter, and in the next furious that Draco was tolerating him. It was Lupin he blamed, Lupin it all came down to.
How he despised that man…