Summer 2020 - Alex
Harry's waiting for me outside, probably already irritated with the fact that I'm late. It's just that after an emotional session with Doctor Collins I needed a moment to refresh back at home. The mascara that I was wearing ended up on my cheeks instead of my eyelashes and I look like I'm sick without it. I didn't even tell Harry that I had to meet him again since he's already so stressed about his new tattoo shop. The opening has been postponed two times, but now halfway through September it seems like it is finally ready. I didn't want to add to his stress when there's no need.
Doctor Collins and I discussed how the last few months have been, and to my surprise a lot has changed. So much so that we both agree to take away the anti-depression medication and see how I react to the world without it. The thought of no medication, and the realization of how bad things were with Harry and how good they are now made me cry. Happy-tears, but it didn't matter for my make-up.
I look okay again now, but I lost precious time and by the look on Harry's face he's not happy with it. I promised to help with the last bit of paintings that he needs to hang up, and organize all that needs to happen tomorrow for the big opening. I don't get why he wants to go back to the shop anyway since it felt finished after we closed up yesterday, and we don't really have much to do there besides decorate which can wait until tomorrow when it actually is the opening. But he insisted, and I don't want to argue.
"Sorry, sorry," I speak, rushing towards him. "I just came from therapy and lost track of time."
"Therapy?" He repeats with a frown. The word enough to not make him yell at me directly.
"Yes, every few months I still need to go. We now have a new appointment for November. That might be the last time if I do well without medication."
"You're off it now then?"
"Yes, not immediately. Takes a few weeks to lower the doses etcetera."
"That's good news," he says, and I smile to him. "We should celebrate."
"We can, but you want to go back to Stories."
He nods, walking towards the van that he rented this week. We moved a lot of furniture over and it came in handy to have it. It will be sad to say goodbye to it after this week.
"Do you really think we can open tomorrow?" Harry wonders, unsure as he starts the van.
"Of course. You have appointments for a month already. I'm pretty sure they don't care if the paintings aren't completely organized."
"Yeah, you're right," he mumbles as he drives off.
Harry is usually quit sure of himself so I always find it humbling to see him insecure and afraid. Opening a tattoo shop of his own is something out of his comfort zone, and everyday has been a challenge for him. To stay nice and polite, to keep his temper, to believe in himself. It will be good for it to finally open so that he can return to his usual self and I can stop walking on egg-shells.
The shop has changed a lot since the first time I saw it. Instead of white walls and floors, we worked hard to bring some colour in it. The floor got a new paint job in its original colour, and some of the walls are painted in a greyish green. Instead of it being one large room, it is divided in three parts. The entrance is where he has his desk and can sketch. Behind it are some of his art that beautifully contrasts with the green on the walls. Opposite of his desk there is a seating area with some furniture that he bought at vintage stores and of course good-old Ikea. It's a nice nook for guests to sit and chill.
The back of the shop is divided in two parts. Both ends of the room are arranged for Harry to tattoo. For now he's running the shop alone, but maybe in the future he will train someone, or hire a temporary guest artist that can use the other booth. It looks really cool. There are two tattoo benches, new models that literally fold into every seating arrangement. Much to our pleasure.
To me the place seems done and ready to open tomorrow. The opening party will be amazing and I think a huge relief for Harry. His nerves are sky high, I can tell by the way he carries himself.
"Harry," I sigh as I sit down on one of the chairs in the waiting area. "It looks perfect. I don't know what else we can do today."
"I'm not so sure about the sketches of my mother. Do you think I should hang them?"
"That is up to you. I think it is nice to honour her in some way. You wouldn't be able to do all this so professionally if isn't wasn't for her fund."
"True," he mumbles looking behind the desk. "I wouldn't be able to do it without you either."
I simply smile, glad that he appreciates me so much. We have had some late evenings here, painting the walls. Buying furniture, and of course putting it together. Building an Ikea closet is a true relationship test and we passed it multiple times.
"Maybe like this?" He asks after putting a nail in the wall and hanging up a sketch of Ellie.
"I really like it. She would appreciate it."
"Okay," he says, taking a seat next to me. "So you think it is done then?"
"Yes. We can do some groceries tonight and decorate tomorrow. It looks so cool, Harry. You can be proud."
"Thanks. Can't wait to just start work though. This is nerve wracking."
"I know," I tell him, leaning my head down to rest on his shoulder. "It will be okay."
"Want to go for a walk?" He asks, and he still sounds nervous. I don't get why we're even here. It would have been better if we'd taken the day off and relaxed at home.
"Why are we even here today? I hurried for nothing."
"Don't want to take a walk with me then?" He says, faking to be hurt.
"If you'll manage to not stress for the entirety of the walk."
"I'm not that stressed out," he says.
"Yes you are."
"No, there's different levels stressed out. If your stress level in the London Eye was a ten then I'm only at a seven."
"My stress level," I laugh, thinking back to when he brought me on the London Eye and I screamed the entire way up and down. It was awful, but it makes me laugh now. We stood by it at the beginning of this year. It was winter still. Different than the heat now. But the biggest difference is myself.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks after I stay silent for too long.
"The Eye. Remember last time we walked passed it?"
"Of course. What about it?"
"I couldn't go on it with you then. Because I felt lonely and, well, not good about myself, but maybe it is time to beat my last fear."
"You mean, go on it?"
"Yes, laughing at me will lower your stress levels to a five," I joke, but he seems to ignore it. His mind already one step further.
"You really want to? Because you don't have to do it for me."
"I'm doing it for myself. Third time's a charm, right?"
Harry grants me the biggest grin, standing up immediately after. "Come on then," he urges, extracting his hand for me to take it.
Harry's shop isn't necessarily close to the London Eye so we take the bus to the south bank of the Thames. I always love going there to walk passed it only because it is water. This whole summer we tried to go to the sea, but something always got in the way. Besides renovating the shop, Harry also had to work three days a week in Brighton. He warned me that we wouldn't have much time together, but since I was able to help him at the shop we were able to still see each other a lot. In the end I liked that we spent so much time in the shop and had time to find our way back to each other, but water makes me feel like myself.
"Remember when you came back to Palas last year and you hadn't been in the sea for so long and I couldn't imagine how?" I ask him, and he looks over to me as we wait in front of a stop sign to cross the street.
"Yes."
"I understand now how you let that happen."
"Yeah, life gets in the way."
"I don't want it to. I want to swim more often. We should go swimming together."
"We can. Before summer I started to exercise again but that plan completely failed. My abs are disappearing as we speak."
"Time we do something about it," I tell him, smiling. "I don't want you fat."
Harry looks down to his belly, stretching out the fabric of his shirt. There is absolutely no sign of fat whatsoever, but I like riling him up.
"You could lose a little bit here," I say, pointing to his love handles.
"Jesus, you're right. We should run there," he says and he starts to jog.
It makes me laugh as he tries to walk backwards and keep up the pace. I'm in no mood to walk any faster than I already am so I let him do his thing, walking up to the ticket center. Since I already know he's going to pay for the expensive tickets, I wait from a distance looking up to the biggest Ferris Wheel I've ever seen. It doesn't seem to be too busy. The holidays are over and school started again. Most people returned to their jobs a while back, the biggest stream of tourists already over. Not that it isn't busy in London, it always is, but here by the Thames and by the London Eye it is nothing to rise a panic in me. In fact, I'm doing pretty well.
Last time we stood here I felt anything but okay. Conflicted with my feelings for Harry, London and my future. I felt as if I wasn't good enough, a failure. Going on a Ferris Wheel only highlighted all those feelings of unworthiness because that's how I felt when I was a little girl stuck on a fun fair ride high in the sky. It traumatised me as a child and made me feel alone. I did everything I could not to be alone ever since and to keep the people in my life by acting as if I was perfect. Taking care of my father as a young child and later in life when I realized life isn't as easy as I hoped, I couldn't even take care of myself.
But the last months I worked hard on myself and I feel okay with my imperfect, perfect life. So that's why I'm able to return Harry's grin when he walks back to me.
"Got them. Only need to wait for a little bit," he explains. "But I have a feeling your stress levels aren't so high."
"No, I'm okay. Sorry, you'll have to find something else that will help you lower your stress."
"I think I'm going to go with reserved psychology and add more stress to you, so that I can relax a bit more."
"Is that even reserved psychology? That makes no sense."
"Oh, it will make sense in a few minutes," he says in a way that immediately makes me worry.
"What are you up to, Harry?" I ask him, walking after him as he joins the line of people. "Harry?"
"Nothing," answers Harry, making damn sure to sound like he's lying. I know him well enough to hear it.
"Harry," I moan, tucking at the back of his shirt.
"You know, I actually had other plans for today, but you were the one who came up with this and it is perfect, don't you think?" He wonders over his shoulder. "You really have no clue do you?"
"Clue? What the hell are you talking about?"
Just as I am about to curse and hold him back, we reach the entrance and have to go through security separately. After we're both found okay Harry presents his ticket. It goes too fast for me to really notice what is happening and Harry is getting his way. My stress level are reaching an all time high when we're guided to our capsule and no one is following us.
"Harry, what is happening?" I ask, tugging at the hem of his shirt. He rushes towards the empty carriage not answering me. "Harry, stop!"
This seems to get his attention and he turns around. He's not smiling and seems almost as nervous as me.
"Lex, just get on the thing with me and then I'll explain, okay?"
I can only nod, sensing that he's about to say something important. He takes my hand in his and walks us to the empty capsule where we're greeted by an employee who takes Harry's ticket again and frowns.
"Oh, I didn't know, wait," he says, but Harry stops him.
"It's okay. I got a discount. We don't need the champagne."
"Oh, okay. Well, have a nice ride then."
We step inside and the soon after the doors are automatically closed. I almost have no time to process that we're moving and are alone in the capsule. Last time we went on it there probable where twenty other people who saw me crumble to the floor and stay there for almost the entire ride.
"How come that we're alone?"
"I got inspired. It costs a lot of money and usually needs to be reserved before, but I know my way around women, don't I? This girl at the register must be a sucker for romance because she gave me a discount as well."
"Romance?" I wonder and I feel the need to sit down. "What is this, Harry?"
"Okay," he mumbles, sitting down next to me and taking a deep breath after. "I'm going to speak now and I need you to stay quiet during it. Can you do that?"
My mouth turns very dry all of the sudden. Making it impossible for me to speak so I nod.
"Good, so I had a plan for this day. I wanted to make a gesture, something romantic to show how much I love you. We were going to take a walk and I'd asked you somewhere in a park, but then you came up with the Eye and this is perfect isn't it?"
I want to answer him, but he places his finger over my mouth to silence me.
"I hope it is at least. Now they usually give you champagne and chocolates I believe, but we don't need that. I don't need anything, but you. You're the love of my life and I know we have only been back together for a short while now, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So what I am going to ask you doesn't need to scare you. I'm not in a hurry, only want you to be sure that you'll never be alone again. That I love you, flaws and all, and that we've been through so much that I believe we should celebrate the fact that we survived it all. Oh, I love you so, so much Lexie, I hope I said everything I needed too, but there's one last thing," he speaks.
My heart flutters in my chest. I'm breathing so fast that I can't control the sounds I make when Harry slides of the bench and bends down to rest on one knee. He takes out a box from his front pocket and I realize that he planned this to happen today either way, but that the fact that it is here is all because of myself.
"Your father and I had a talk. Long ago. He said that he'd never believe that he would meet a man who could love you as much as he did. Maybe even more. Not because he believed no one would love you, but because of how much he loved you. He saw that I did and he didn't just give us his blessing to live together, he gave me permission to one day ask you to marry me. He said that I would know when the time was right, but he was wrong there. There's no right time, so I decided that I'm going to ask you when it feels like it is the most inconvenienced. So you'd least expect it. So," he takes a deep breath as he pauses. "Lexie, will you marry me?"
He opens up the little box and shows a silver ring with a small round diamond. It's elegant and beautiful in its simplicity. The sight of it completely baffles me although his speech did prepare me for it, I'm still too stunned to talk.
"The ring is my mother's. She gave it to me and wanted you to have it one day. I hope you want it too," he says after I keep quiet. "You're allowed to speak again, you know."
"I, god," I mumble at a loss for words.
"I'll ask again, okay? Lexie, will you marry me?" He asks for the second time and images of our past flash before my eyes.
How I'd wanted to marry him just so he could fly over to see my father one last time. When I told him that he was the one and he later came to meet me at Sage's wedding and said he'd marry me right there if he could, and now he's asking me again. The third dot. The third time we're on a Ferris Wheel together and I'm not panicking because we're up in the sky. I didn't even notice that we have reached the highest point of the Eye. The city I was born and is my home with Harry far below us. It is the perfect place for this to happen. Partly planned, partly coincidence.
"Of course I will," I answer him. "I love you so, so much."
Harry breaks out in a grin, sniffling as tears roll down his cheek. I mirror his look and can't help but cry as Harry slides the ring on my finger. It fits perfectly and I can't believe this is happening. That Harry and I are engaged, but we so are. He keeps holding my hand, forcing me to stand up and then he lifts me up. Our lips kissing and for a moment we both forget our surroundings and end up against the glass, losing track of time and our morals all the way down where we're awaited by champagne and an applause from the staff. I couldn't be happier with the man next to me as we toast to our engagement. Drowning as I look in Harry's eyes. My fiancé.