"I'm Levi's" (Ereri/Riren)

Side Chapter 3 - Levi's Past

A/N: I know there's already been a regular chapter that has the same chapter title. But this one here is a side-chapter ^^

I really wanted and needed to write it, so that all of you can understand Levi because the second part of his past life (living with Kenny, in the orphanage and with Farlan and Isabel) had been a mystery up until now. But there are important events that made him the way he used to be in this fic at first.

So I hope you can enjoy this chapter, even if it doesn't have much Ereri :')

↑ A messy sketch of how I imagined teenager Levi to look like I did long time ago (I'm no artist though haha)

Also, there's fic art! *^*

A mutual of mine drew "I'm Levi's" fanart! I love it sooo much, it looks gorgeous! <3 As far as I know, links will be shown at the bottom of this chapter :o I hope it worked...

(It took me 3 days to edit and proofread this long chapter, so I am sorry for any mistakes that are left)

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Levi

"You're going to visit your family?" I asked while I did the dishes.

"Yeah." Eren, next to me, who would dry the clean dishes I gave him, answered softly. "Mikasa got first place in a competition that her university had hosted, so now we kinda want to celebrate a little; you know, music and lots of food and stuff. Mom would really like to see me there."

I hummed an approval, not really swayed by that newly gained information. Hence, I went on with doing my dishes without further inquiries.

Eren was the one who revived a conversation by suggesting, "How about you come with me? Yeah, that would give you an opportunity to finally meet my parents." I faced him, spotted a broad smile on his face.

Even this didn't really stir anything inside. At least not yet, not now, not today. "The idea of meeting your parents is a nice idea and of course a necessary one at some point, if I dare say, but today I don't feel like wanting to go to a festivity."

I was given a pout and slight doubt in return. "I know you don't like parties, but you sure you don't want to go today? With me?"

"I am. It's okay, Eren. I don't mind it at all that you're going alone-if that is what you were worrying about."

"But one day you have to meet my family for sure!" Eren announced promptly, body stretched with determination. "Okay?"

"Of course." A petite upcurve of my lips as I seized his towel to dry my hands. When done, I leant against the kitchen counter with my back, hands planted onto the edge. "I prefer meeting your family without any strangers around us. Let's make that moment an unhurried one."

Eren dropped his gaze to the sink for a second, seeming to mull over my words. He nodded repeatedly. "Mh, yeah, yeah. Sounds good. Okay, fine." The beam on his face was back.

"Also with you going to your family it's a good opportunity for me to visit my own family as well. I hadn't seen Cassie and Richard for a while now."

Eren formed a small 'o' with his mouth, closing the distance to me. He lay his hands next to mine on each side, leant forward until chest was pressed against chest. "You're right. That's the best thing to do for now."

His other towel rounded his neck so I took both ends and edged his face closer to mine, until my lips grazed his forehead. "When are you leaving?" I spoke into his smooth hair.

"I had planned to go in half an hour." Eren rested his chin on my shoulder.

The soft serenity of his presence blending together with my soul, hazily, soothed the inner of my chest.

"All right. Well then, I shall leave about the same time."

Each of us got ready for our visits and when the time had come, we parted by the entrance door. On request, I should send my parents greetings that came from Eren, however the other way around it wasn't the same. Eren had suggested that he'd let his parents know about me when I'd visit them in the future for the very first time, just so that his parents hadn't had the chance to annoy Eren with prying questions today or any day where I wouldn't have met them yet. To that, I had agreed, unhesitating. All that had mattered to me was for Eren to have it the easiest with this issue.

I hopped inside my car and put the key in the ignition. Since Eren's parents lived in the east side of the city, the opposite direction of my family's home, I couldn't give him a drive without having had to make the biggest detour ever.

Meaning that Eren was taking the bus while I sat in my car, turning the key to roar the engine to life. The only perk I had been granted with was the lack of resistance coming from Eren who would start a discussion with me whenever I lit up a cigarette while he was close to me and also bore the fact that it hadn't exactly been my first smoke today.

So with a blithe, eased feeling I put a cigarette between my lips, lit it up, took a drag, turned on the radio where a random song was playing and eventually pulled out of the driveway.

The ride wasn't short but it wasn't long either. On my way, halting in front of a traffic light, I leant my arm on the steering wheel and took a long drag. The smoke was released slowly, as slowly as my thoughts processed in my mind right then. Thinking about something that was apparently important in life but I had never seen it as such.

Eren went to visit his family. His family. My family. Family.

I never put much thinking into that before, viewed my own one as no more than people I had been fine with having around me for a span of time (although even that had needed efforts to reach because it hadn't always been like this).

It was luck for me that I ended up having such a nice family who'd supported me. Living that decent life together with them when back then, before Cassie and Richard adopted me, everything had been worse.

***

Numbness. Freeze. Death.

The only three emotions and thoughts that I had been a vicitim to. Knees pulled to my chest, arms hooked around my legs and becoming stiff; sitting on the cold floor, breathing shallowly, I barely kept myself alive, didn't do anything to prevent myself from facing death soon. Just like... her.

I had already shed all tears that had been in my body. No matter how hard I tried, how many times the one image of her head hitting the surface and of her body dropping to the floor, of her life slipping out of her right in front of my eyes played in my head, I couldn't produce tears anymore to mourn over it.

It was as if I was robbed of a thing that was a necessary part of misery. And therefore the result had been numb sorrow coursing through my body. Nothing hurt, nothing felt like anything.

The approach of death hovering above me weighed me further down to sickening agony.

How much time had passed since then? How many hours, days, was I sitting on the floor, trembling terribly, starving, gradually rotting alive. How many days since that guy had... to her.

Shit.

Proof of it - her death - stuck to my limbs, messily smeared and dry.

The moment hadn't remained in my memory, but it was clear that, for the longest time, I hadn't spared her a glance, hadn't looked at her limp, lifeless body; eyes gaping forlornly straight forward while she lay to my right.

Dead.

I had probably been close to my own death when someone finally found us. A miracle that this would even happen. Our neighbours weren't quite the ones who cared about what people living around them were doing. Or whether they were fine. Wouldn't consider making sure whether they were still alive.

"Oi, Kuchel, why is the door left open?" Someone said, voice sounding off from the hallway, but the person not visible yet. I recognised that voice, had heard it a few times in the past. It belonged to a man who I never saw much more than a crude and intimidating man. He could be much worse, for all I knew. But he wouldn't be as cruel as... that guy. No, because he never hit Kuchel before, he never did anything to me. He didn't push my mom back so hard that her head started to bleed.

Kenny - my uncle, mom had once said - entered the living room and his at first closed eyes (a hand resting on his hat) landed on Kuchel's body right away. "Kuchel?" he said hurriedly. "Oi, Kuchel!" He sprinted, knelt in front of her and placed her in his arms. He patted her cheeks and shook her upper body. "Kuchel?! Oi, say something, answer me! Kuchel, what happened? Kuchel!"

No matter how much he would shake her, she wouldn't wake up anymore.

He halted once, looking frantically around, but even then he missed my presence. "That fucking... Where is he..." he cursed under his breath angrily.

I freed myself from my freeze partly. "S-She... She is dead." Every word was chipped.

Kenny finally noticed me, eyes widening not remarkably. I dropped my own gaze to my feet. I could swear Kenny emanated murderous flares from how agitated he was. I prayed that they weren't directed at me.

"Levi! Oi, Levi." He laid Kuchel cautiously on the floor and approached me, keeping me in place with this hands gripping each of my arms. "Levi, are you all right? You've blood on your clothes. Are you hurt somewhere? Levi!"

My throat, dry as heck, made my voice crack terribly. "I-I had tried to stop her bleeding. But there was so much. I had really tried to make it stop, but I couldn't! There was so much blood! She's dead because I couldn't stop her bleeding!"

"Levi!" Kenny's voice didn't cease the anxiety and nearing panic attack from channelling through me. My shivering felt like little explosions bursting under my skin. I stared into his eyes, hollowly, losing bits of my sanity. My life. My soul. "Fuck."

Kenny stood up and walked around in the apartment, checked every room and came back defeatedly, hand combing his hair as he sighed heavily. His pained expression complemented my anxious one. He pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing through gritted teeth, "I fucking knew this guy was nothing for you. I knew he was a gross asshole. But this... That it would come this far... I'm so sorry, Kuchel. " He knelt down and carried my mom's torso in his hands once more. He stroked her front hair back and away from her face. Then his fingers wafted over her eyes, closing her eyelids gently.

I couldn't witness that. Too numbing was the misery in my chest.

"Let's go, Levi." Kenny said, voice now back to rough and casual. His emotional - more empathetic - side was like faded.

"What?" I babbled, confused, as he stepped up to me. He took my hand and pulled me onto my feet.

"You can't stay here, obviously." It was a mystery to me how Kenny could mourn one second and grumble with biting venom the next one, practically having two personalities in one.

As he tried to leave with me, I pulled back against his tugging, to the opposite direction of where we were going, his grip on my wrist restricting me, however.

Kenny noticed. Glared down at me. He picked me up and walked away like that.

I struggled, wound my body to the left and right, stomped with my feet in the air. Just anything not to leave.

"Don't struggle, brat, we have to go!" Kenny growled, gripping me hard to keep me from slipping away from his hold.

I struggled further, not taking my eyes off the woman on the floor. She lay in a crib of liquid dark crimson. Snippets of memories flashed through my mind; of the things I had experienced with her; the things she did to me, good and bad; the miserable life we lived but which had also had warm moments; the day when her eyes lost their shimmer of love for her own son which I so much believed in having really had happened. Emotions simmered haphazardly inside me.

In the end, the strongest emotion won.

"Mom!" I extended an arm towards her as tears, that had welled up in my eyes, tumbled down my cheeks.

That agonising sight was the last thing I ever saw of her.

From then on, my life changed exceedingly. As if time had stopped and readjusted. Allocating a new part of life to me where I could try again. Live a different life. Without my mother. My mother, who used to always be by my side. My mother who also used to beat me-

I was a child. Barely six years old. I didn't reflect on life much, but I could sense that nothing would ever be the same for me again.

Stubbornly, helplessly, desperately, I had been fighting to get off Kenny's grip until he brought me to another living place. His own apartment so it seemed. However, once he put me down it was as if a switch had been used inside the clouds of my emotions and my body went still, tears and sniffs dominating. I cried like a child who had lost its toy when in reality I had lost something that was grander than a toy. Something that couldn't be replaced. Not even Kenny could replace it. I didn't want that anyway.

What if my life was going to become worse from now on? What was Kenny going to do with me? He wouldn't want to deal with a kid, right? One time I had heard him talking to mom and claiming that her life would have been less difficult if she hadn't decided for me. I couldn't grasp what exactly he'd meant by that, but it was clear that he thought she was better off with me nonexistent. With me abandoned since I was existent.

Too late. Mom her already done that once. Had abandoned me. Even if she came back and picked me up again, she had done it! She had probably done it because she had agreed with Kenny! I-

"Stop, crying." Kenny's voice rumbled like the hardships in these slums. We all were the same. Doing everything to survive. Kenny sounded like a man who didn't want to deal with problems.

I was a problem to him.

Hiccupping, I wiped away the streams of wetness on my cheeks that were covered by new flows of tears again and again. From the occasional blinking, I made out that Kenny had knelt down to meet my watery eyes.

"It's enough, okay? Stop crying now, for Heaven's sake." I still had trouble not to bawl, swallowing my hiccups, biting my lips to mute my sobs. The tears would silently trickle down, but more gently, merciful. A tiny peace during the grief. Kenny went back to towering over me and said, "You don't seem to be hurt anywhere. So I can leave you alone now for a while, huh? Go take a shower and grab something in the kitchen if ya want. I need to do something. Will be back later."

I had no idea what kind of comfort I had expected from him after having gone through these things the last few days. But I couldn't say that I disdained him for being like this. It was still better than getting insulted or beaten up.

As for now, everything was bearable for me.

Kenny did leave right after, just as he had announced it, and I was left to myself-falling back into the state I had been in for the last few days. Weak, helpless, lonely, a castaway. The void feeling and numbness engulfed the inner of my chest again. Like a black hole that devoured anything, I was alone with no future in life. It would take only some time until Kenny would have enough of me.

With these dark thoughts, I indeed took a shower, pretending to clean off not only the blood and dirt but also everything of the past. The pain, the anger, the loss. Life could become miserable again at any moment. But if that was to happen, at least I wouldn't face it with the demons of my past. I had to become strong. Could I ever forge a spirit in order to cope with life? Could Kenny help me with that? What was he going to do with me anyway? I didn't feel like asking him that either.

Once I got out of the shower, I grabbed a towel and wound it round my whole body. I couldn't find anything to wear - and I didn't want to put on my decayed and bloody clothes either -, so I I stayed like this, wrapped in the towel. I headed for the living room and sat down on the couch. Hair damp from the water, the towel at least keeping the rest of my body warm, I waited. Minutes. Hours even. I didn't think of getting myself some food. I had lived the moment of starvation many times, experiencing it once more didn't make a difference. Some time later, Kenny did come back. So he hadn't lied about that. For some reason I hadn't considered the possibility of him leaving me behind here now. It could have happened just as well. But Kenny came back.

"I see, you've showered." His first words met my ears with less crudeness. Nevertheless, I instinctly shrunk with my body, tightening the hold on my towel.

I opened and closed my mouth a few times before I had the courage to speak up. Timidness wasn't very welcomed right now. "I-I couldn't find any... T-There weren't any clothes for m-"

"Oh, yeah, right. Here. I was able to find some on my way back." He tossed a bag onto the couch cushion next to me. I eyed the bag as if it was an alien object before I slowly opened it to reveal the content. Plain kids clothes. They looked decent. Not torn or worn-out. "Ya eat something?"

I shook my head, didn't think about how Kenny might react to that. It had been an act of reflex of mine. Kenny muttered something inaudible to himself. And before I could give him the chance to target the kitchen, I had to ask one last thing. An important question. It burned on my tongue like fire. I didn't want that uncertainty. "Where's mom?"

Kenny stopped in his tracks, back facing me. His long black coat lay massive around his shoulders and back. Silence. He didn't reply immediately. I had the feeling he kinda grasped that I wasn't oblivious enough to think mom was still there where we had left her.

I had to know the answer, though. Just... anything.

Kenny raised his head, slowly. "Was there are place you and your mother liked to go to? A place that held some nice memories? You and her."

Odd.

"Yeah. There is one."

"If you're ever recalling memories of her, then go to that place." Kenny scratched his head, seemingly unsettled.

Silence filled the living room. An idea on how to retort didn't cross my mind at the moment. Then, Kenny just fled to the kitchen. I remained still for a long time at first, thinking. About this, his words, that place, mom.

I didn't know yet that, later in my life, I would not once visit that place.

By the time I had actually brought myself to putting on my clothes, locking the thoughts away dutifully, Kenny had come back with a sandwich placed on a plate. While the bottom part of myself was already dressed, I had yet to slip on the shirt. Half-naked like this, the majority of my bruises were visible. They hadn't healed yet.

Kenny scowled at them as if they were a contaminous disease. I noticed his hard stare and instinctively lowered my head, out of shame. But the next second anger visited me.

I scowled back at my own uncle, the corners of my eyes gleaming with little drops of tears that were threatening to spill. I bit my lip.

Mom and that guy did this to me!

I had wanted to say it out loud, to scream it wrathfully, but every word was trapped behind a closed gate.

Sighing loudly, Kenny said, "It's decided now. I'm going to teach you how to fight."

I stared at him mutely, expressionless.

He gave me his word and it was less than a week later that he practiced the basics with me. The basics which had already become a challenge for me.

I toppled over the floor with a loud thump. The fifth time today.

"Oi!" Kenny roared from behind me.

I slowly picked myself up, arms and legs trembling. My attempt not to tear up failed at this very moment. I began to sniffle.

"Stand up." he went on with an abrasive voice.

I stood finally, turning to him, meek and terribly defeated. Even if I was only a beginner, my pride was suffering from it as well.

With my eyes fixated on the floor, hands clenched by my sides, so hard they were quavering, I mentally prepared myself for yet another reprimand.

As expected, Kenny knelt down to my height. Like that, he could yell at my face the best. I didn't want to meet eyes with him. His raging stare was tangible, boring holes into my skull. A finger pointed at me, really close to my pupils. "Are those tears in your eyes?" he asked threateningly slowly, thrusting every word aggressively through his lips.

I shook my head, the accumulated wetness in my eyes almost spilling with how I had closed my eyes. I even rubbed them to erase any evidence. Evidence that Kenny had already spotted. Oh God, how pathetic I was.

"Levi." Kenny's calm but vigorous voice jabbed like needles through my skin. It gave me anxious goosebumps. I remained silent, direction of my gaze unchanged. "What did I tell you time and again?"

I chewed on my bottom lip, the words replaying in my head. Simple words providing simple instructions. They weren't hard to remember.

But hard to stick to them.

"To not cry while fighting." I mumbled under my breath, being probably unintelligible for anyone else but me.

"What?" Kenny questioned, accentuating that he hadn't heard me properly.

"Do not show any emotions while fighting!" I exclaimed, putting some volume into my voice.

"Then why are you crying?!" Kenny barked back with at least twice as much volume.

Humiliated, I bit my lip harder, so hard it would hurt if I were to draw back apruptly. There was no point in remaining weak and becoming mentally smaller. If I wanted to change, to gain strength, I had to take demands. I wiped my palms over my eyes one last time. "I won't cry anymore!" I claimed decidedly.

"We'll see about that, brat."

No more reluctant acceptance of people looking down at me. It was hideous for me, a child, to stand up to Kenny, a grown adult. But I did. Looked him directly in the eyes with a newborn blaze and fervid determination erupting from my eyes. I maintained an eye contact with him, didn't loosen.

Kenny had a brow risen at first, subtly grinning down at me then. "That's better. Come, we'll repeat that technique from just now. Get in position."

I did as I was told, almost lousily performing the posture I was taught no more than half a week ago. Meanwhile, Kenny had created a decent distance between us. As of right now, he didn't bother getting in his defensive position. His hands were hidden in his jacket pockets, lazily. I would be lying if I said that this wasn't irking me.

Releasing a yell while attacking, I ran towards him, in my mind the next steps were already mentally realised. I could sense that I might be able to do better this time.

How wrong I was with my assumption. I hadn't seen one of Kenny's moves coming, so that - in the end - I ended up getting thrown to the floor again.

"Ouch."

On another day - it was basically always like this after our training sessions - I was sat at the kitchen table, biting into my loaf of bread and having a bowl of plain soup in front of me. Barefooted, I sat there, eating as my legs would jiggle back and forth rhythmically. Bruises were visible on my arms and legs, the rest hidden beneath my clothing. Though, I didn't see them as bad. They came from the trainings so it was fine.

"Do the bruises hurt a lot?" Kenny asked as he changed his location from the kitchen door frame to the empty chair next to me.

I shook my head, humming lowly. "They don't hurt so much. They hurt even less when I don't think about them but about my goal instead. Just as you told me."

Kenny rarely revealed many or different emotions, the day when he saw Kuchel dead on the floor had been the only moment I saw him so agitated and upset. Even now he merely fixed me with a vacant stare, eyes hardened. "All right. That's good." He stood up and left, ruffling my hair at last.

I didn't interpret much into that action.

This was the way I practically lived. Training, eating, growing up. All of my efforts were directed at my goal to become stronger. To have the knowledge and techniques to totally rely on myself and defending myself whenever it would be needed in the future. Kenny had left the impression on me that this part was significant, so I valued it as such. With the years passing, improvement came and with my maturing mind, I started to seek for approval and praise.

However, next to nothing came from him.

Upon that realisation after 4 years, when I had finally turned 10, I was constantly split between believing that Kenny had not once seen my doings worth enough to praise (no matter how hard I had tried) and convincing myself that Kenny was a man of few words anyway. But was praise expressed through words only? It wasn't, right? But even then, I hadn't seen him express anything in another way.

It seemed that I had to accept and get over it. Approval shouldn't be necessary for me. All that mattered was a good defense. I think I wasn't doing as bad on that as I used to in the beginning. Inwardly, I prayed for a sign of my hard trainings - and all the bruises and bleeding that came with them - being paid off one day.

As I hit the age of 10, there came a time where literally everything turned upside down in my life. Kenny and I barely went outside together, the most that had occured was me doing errands for him, like buying groceries or new clothes for myself. Even then I had mostly done it alone.

But this time, it was different. Everything was different and everything felt strange within me. The ride was long and Kenny didn't tell me anything. The first time we went somewhere together that took hours to go there-'there' being a mystery to me. Kenny even had a big bag with him, though I didn't catch at home what he'd put inside.

Once we reached our destination, he'd only demand from me to follow him. I did and after we stepped out of the bus I ran to Kenny's side, having a hard time to keep up with his long and quick steps. There was a big old building located before our eyes, the surroundings adorned with a few trees and bushes here and there, a crappy front- and backyard, the next houses a few hundreds of meters away.

The house here was sporting a sign at the front, fat white letters on a black board. Ever since I started living with him, Kenny had allowed me to go to school though in those 4 years and with how lousy school was in the slums, I didn't absolve the best education so far. But with enough concentration I could make out the word being plastered on the sign like a big warning. As if one shouldn't go farther or else they'd enter hell.

O-r-p-h-a... Orphanage... orphanage? Wasn't that a place where children with no parents were living?

But why would Kenny...?

An elder woman, broad around her waist and chest, waited for us at the front door. She spiked glares at me. A shiver shook in the inner of my bones and I furrowed my brows, slowing my steps, falling behind Kenny.

Kenny noticed and turned to me. A small flight of stairs seperated the woman from us. Kenny knelt down. For the majority of the time he had barely cared about making eye contact with me, acting as if I hadn't been with him the whole time.

As if I never existed for him.

He talked in an unwavering voice. "Levi, the time has come where I can't let you stay with me anymore."

"Why?" I staggered with my voice, mentally rejecting his words.

"It's not possible anymore. I have to leave my place for a long while. It's because of work."

"Then take me with you to your work! I don't mind!" Although Kenny had never told me what his work was, I had figured out quickly that it was something where he had to stay away from home for a while. It hadn't been a rarity that I was left to myself for the night and morning or for a few days even before he'd come back. Not once had I been troubled with that because I had learned how to live on my own and take care of myself for a short amount of time. That Kenny would have to leave for long while was a novelty.

He shook his head, slowly. "I can't do that. You can't come with me. Also, it's most likely that I would barely have time to take care of you in the future. Levi, now is the time for us to part and go our own paths."

"But... but... I don't want to live here. I don't want to live in that orphanage with all the strangers. I was fine with living with you!"

"Levi, it can't go on like this anymore. You have to accept and face it." Kenny placed a hand on my shoulder, almost empathetically, as if he was genuinely sorry.

I didn't get it. Why did it have to come this way? Why didn't Kenny do something to keep us from separating? First, he taught me all the things about fighting, devoid of any indications of creating an interpersonal connection between us and now he wanted to put me in an institution that was generally running a low and bad reputation. As if I didn't deserve anything else.

As if I belonged here.

"Let me tell you something, though," No. Shut up. I didn't want to hear you anymore. You're shitty. "Once you go inside that door, remember everything I taught you. Don't become scums like the others. I'm sure one day you'll be able to get out of this place and out of the slums. But for that you have to be better than the others. Don't let anyone ruin you, okay? You can do this."

So this was it? This was the reason he had taught me how to fight in the first place? Because he had had in mind ever since the very beginning to put me in an orphanage when I would finally be ready for it?

"Here's your bag; all your belongings. Try to have a nice life, a'ight?" He patted my back once and took his departure.

I didn't turn and watched him leave. I stayed frozen in place. My face crunched to a bitter expression. Certainly, I didn't fancy it at all how Kenny had decided over my life. But what was there for me to rebel against it? I was a victim to this fate.

It laid back a few years ago that I had literally lost the ability and sensibility to cry over a thing that upset me. The trainings and his constant reminder not to show weakness - emotions - had incorporated in my body for the most part. There was nothing to cry over anyway. Kenny leaving me behind in my life wasn't the same thing as it had been with mom.

I shouldn't get upset over it. This was my destiny and I had to make the best out of it. After all, it was always about survival in the slums.

I eventually passed the old woman who hadn't bother greeting me so I didn't greet either, and with that the next part of my life began.

Life in an orphanage was atrocious. Not the same as living on the streets (it was better than that because we received food and a bed to sleep on), but the conditions and circumstances we were all living in were on the edge of immorality.

7 up to 12 children lived in a cramped room which size was supposed to fit four people at most inside. We were given food and water only if we did our chores of cleaning the everlasting dirty floor and windows, doing the dishes that consisted of over 100 pieces, scrubbing the rusty toilets clean, and doing the laundry. Most important of all was behaviour. If we disobeyed or slacked off, we would receive punishment right away. Starvation for a day or two was a common punishment, sometimes hits with a belt was the case.

No matter what, I had told myself to never ever become a case for the belt. Unpredictable things could happen. Just the thought of getting hit riled up my temper and had the power to fuel my slumbering aggression.

Also, I found out within the first few days of my stay here why Kenny had invested time in teaching me how to defend myself.

They hadn't been my roommates, but a group of boys - all of them older than me - circled me in the laundry room during my duty one day. Their clothes looked shabby and their hair nasty. They stunk and didn't seem to be tolerable.

"Hey, newbie. Shortie." I sucked in the urge to snap at that last statement. The boy wearing a cap smirked mischievously as he cocked his head to the side. "How about you do the chores for us? You wouldn't mind that right? Don't you dare say anything wrong now."

As if on cue, the guy next to him repeatedly hit a bat against his open palm. The other two mimicked the first boy's posture and gaped at me with evil eyes.

I looked into each of their faces, scrutinisingly, testing. Pondering. Calculating.

They maintained their demeanour of appearing like a threat while I was still contemplating.

At last I said in an unafraid voice, "Go roll in some dog pile, you asshole." It was as if I literally heard them snap.

They attacked me.

And within two minutes, I had forced all of them to the floor, making them groan from the pain I had inflicted on them with my hits and kicks. Then, I casually walked away with the laundry in my hand, leaving them whining on the floor. Of course I was seething inside for they had thought they could do that with me. I despised the fact that I had been looking like a feeblish person who was easy to persuade to them. No one was allowed to use me for anything. My short height and slender body might give a false impression, but in the end my strength was what counted. If anybody wanted to mess with me, I wouldn't hesitate to show them who they were daring to belittle.

I had kind of already expected for the four dudes to gossip about me with others, but I had seriously not predicted a reaction of such a dimension.

Everyone, literally everyone, had started to turn their backs on me. Everyone stayed away from me, physically, avoided me at any costs. Apparently, the guys had spread the rumour of me being a ruthless kid who wouldn't hesitate to attack anyone as I liked. They began to fear me. I was weird to them.

A monster.

I would hear some children say that around me, when I was passing them, and wherever I was, they tried to keep the biggest distance from me. It was clear that they dared even less to exchange some words with me. If I was in their way in any form, they accepted it and moved on.

Perhaps it was better like that. If no one messed with me, I wouldn't have to deal with problems. I wouldn't cause any problems. I just did my duty and was granted a life as an orphan who was a loner.

It took a very long time for my roommates to understand that I didn't want to harm them, but even when they finally understood, their opinions about me didn't change-neither did their attitude when being around me.

That was how it went on for me. I did my duties alone, ate at the dining hall alone, spent my free time alone and didn't talk to anyone.

Changes, new challenges, crept up very slowly when the orphanage got a one new member.

Three years later, when I was 13, someone else joined us. His name was Roy. He seemed to be at least three years older than me. And he was an extrovert. An extreme extrovert and he didn't hold back from showing it. So much attitude and confidence lay within himself which he liked to brag about. He was unabashed and impudent and self-entitled. Obnoxious and stressful in my eyes.

Of course, sooner or later, he would notice that I was practically treated like a outcast in the group. It was during dinner one time where he stood up from his place to near me and holler "Hey. What about this guy? Why is he sitting alone? Doesn't he have any friends?" by the way. The tone of his voice trailed along some low degree of spite.

He grinned at me uglily, I forced myself to avert my eyes, annoyed. And I didn't give two shits about not showing that.

"Don't go near him!" A younger boy shouted, hands in front of his mouth, scared.

"Why not?" Roy questioned, shrugging his shoulders.

"He's a monster!" A girl exclaimed, and several others nodded their heads or agreed vocally.

"A... monster? Oh, c'mon, that sounds ridiculous." Roy laughed and eyed me then.

I just continued eating, trying to will away the condemning vibes and stares revolving around me.

"He beats people! He can kick you and he can break your bones! He is like a monster who has no heart and destroys anything! Some of us got beaten up by him! He hurt them really badly!"

If only they knew what would have happened to me if I hadn't done that. And the caretakers here would ignore an incident like this. They wouldn't want to do more work than necessary. Who cared if one or two were terrorised. Of course the four shits had changed the facts and presented themselves as the victims.

In the end, I didn't fucking care.

I didn't care what anyone was thinking about me.

"Is that so?" Now, Roy was viewing me with an intrigued glint in his eyes. Against the mass' plea, he headed for my table, plumping down on the bench across me. A few gasps and mutterings arose. "Nice to meet you. My name is Roy." He held out a hand.

I glared at his open palm at first, then at his self-assured face with that crooked smile. Roy's face looked okay. Blue eyes, a big flat nose, plumb lips and spiky brown hair. His hand was calloused.

"Fuck off. Or else the monster here will eat you." I said in a casual voice, and took another bite of my meal. Honestly, the stares of all the others vexed me the most.

Roy tipped his head back once. "Don't look at the others. I'm not like them. I like people who stand up for themselves."

"How do you wanna know that I am no bully? These people could be right. I might like to beat people up."

"I know it. I can kinda sense it. You aren't the type for a bully. You want your peace and you want to do your own stuff. Let's do our stuff together. I'm sure we can find common interests. Being alone isn't always cool. So? How's your name?"

Squinting, I examined him, starting from his hand up to his smirking face. Was there anything to lose for me? If things came to the worst, I knew how to defend myself against him or anything he'd persuade me to. I could give it a try. Maybe he wasn't that bad after all. At least he wasn't judging me by the rumours he heard.

"Levi. It's Levi." I shook his hand.

With Roy, I seeemed to explore totally new ground over the next few months. Experiences and doings that bordered on problematic marked many of our days. Roy was a much more experienced guy in almost everything that was bad.

He gave me first experiences in smoking, alcohol, and drugs. For the latter, we usually went to a place (a side-alley in a city that didn't belong to the slums area) and met a few other guys there who would give us our dope. Whether it was snorting cocaine, injecting heroin or smoking weed, Roy showed me everything and I gave everthing a try at least once.

Other times we participated in illegal street fights; illegal because people were betting on winners each round. I won all fights that Roy had told me to participate in, just because he'd bet his money on me. Money which only God knew where he'd got it from. The orphanage didn't grant us allowances. And yet Roy had always some money to pay for drugs or beer. But in those street fights I'd never seen Roy fight against someone. It wouldn't surprise me if he was more skilled in eloquence than physical activities.

At least he didn't treat me like scum. He gave me a feeling of us being on the same level. Would always tell me that we were a good team. That everybody else was unimportant. Only us and our interests. If we wanted to do something, there wasn't anything holding us back. Surely, this kind of attitude brought along complications with the adults in the orphanage. We misbehaved and for that we were supposed to do extra work and starve until the next day. However, we didn't care, ran away for the night instead. We would find something to eat on the streets.

I slowly began to think of how it wasn't so bad at all that Roy and I were doing stuff together. Up until now I hadn't felt like being used. Roy understood me and I tolerated him. He was okay, I guess, I could ease around him. I wouldn't feel like being around a threat when we were spending time together. I could convince myself that liking him was all right. And so I did. I accepted him as a friend.

Though, I thought that some stuff we did after some months was beyond the definition of a friend. Roy had awoken my interest for it (well, okay, half of the reason as to why it had happened in the first place was because of us having been stoned as fuck) and while it had also remained as a painful experience in my mind, Roy was the first one to take my virginity. Later blowjobs had also been a part of our usual activities.

Nevertheless, he reassured me more than once that we would stick together. No betrayal, but loyal friendship with some extras. I believed it all, believed him, gradually slackened the invisible walls of my defence around him. To the point that I even allowed myself to feel something.

One day, Roy showed me one is his ways of "earning" his money. Pickpocketing wouldn't always be a success, so he rather took it a step further. The things he stole from stores - mostly electronic devices - were sold to one of his friends who redistributed them on the black market.

"It's actually quite easy." Roy said in a low voice. We had found a electronics store and were currently eyeing smartphones-the brand new ones. For what we were going to do soon, he had suggested to wear baggy clothes, a hoodie. "Of course there are cameras everywhere, so we have to act as naturally as possible. We'll just casually pass this line here and - watch me first - slip one of these babies into our hoodie pockets. Do it the same way I do it, got it? It has to look casual, no one should notice something weird. So, once we've done that, we can't just run away. There are cameras outside as well and, more importantly, there are securities right by the exit. We'll leave at a time where many people want to leave at once. When there's a bigger mass at the exit, then it'll be harder to figure out who it is that stole something. Once the alarms set off, don't get irritated by it. Walk casually until you're far away to be caught on camera, and then you can run. Understood, buddy? This is how I do it, this is how we'll do it."

I signed an approval by nodding, lips pressed together. There was no use to deny that my heart was kind of flipping out inside my chest, but I traced it back to the belief that it was just the adrenaline thrilling me. I wasn't scared, actually. But I didn't want to fail either. Getting caught would cause so many problems and I didn't want to deal with any of them.

"One phone can give us a lot of money." Roy lectured, his glistening eyes already imagining a full success.

"Yeah." I plainly retorted.

I had that odd feeling that someone was staring at me; blazing deadly glares into my back. But I didn't want to turn around. It gave me chills and froze me in place.

"Oi, Roy." I hissed in a whisper.

"Hm?"

"Is someone watching us?"

Roy whipped his head back, discreetly of course, swaying his gaze over the people in our proximity. "No. No, there's no one looking at us."

"Are you sure?" I almost snapped with how unconvincing his answer was to me.

"I am." Roy said, voice firmer, resolute.

I took a quick breath in, slowly breathed out. "Okay. Okay, fine. It was probably just false alarm in my head."

"Don't piss your pants, dude. You can do this."

"Yeah. Right."

"All right?" I nodded again, having eased myself.

We proceeded as planned. Took the phones as if it were our own. Left a bit later as if we had purchased something a second ago. Acted invisible when the alarm rang a shrill chime.

And as soon as we established a fair distance, we ran. Ran as if the police were already chasing us. Quick and brisk. A total fucking success, Roy had been right. This was going to be my first income of lots of money in only one day. This was Heaven.

All of a sudden, my speeding run was halted by something-that something felt like a crushing grip on my arm. While Roy ran further, not having figured yet that I had gotten hindered, I had to face one more obstacle. Roy and I had agreed beforehand on not helping the other when running away. Each of us would have to get away with the theft on our own. I was okay with that. Totally fine. As long as it wasn't a security dude, I would be able to free myself from any cages.

Preparing to kick the person's crotch, a leg risen, my body was harshly turned around.

"Levi!"

To sight came Kenny's face that was squelched with rage.

"What the actual fuck?! So this is what you're going to become? A fucking lousy thief?!"

"Wha-" Barely understanding what was happening, why Kenny was here and how he'd found me, I tugged at his hold. "Let me go, asshole! Fuck off!"

In response, he tugged me harder towards him, his eyes burning. "Why the hell would you steal stuff, huh?! Many scenarios were playing in my head when I happened to coincidentally spot you, a poor orphan, entering that shop. I hoped so badly you wouldn't do the shit that you in fact did, you damn asshole! Don't become like that!"

His words caused my head to buzz. "Fuck you! You never cared about me anyway!"

"Did you forget about what I said to you last?! I told you to be better than the others! I told you to try and live a better life than that of a low scum. Do you really want to become a criminal? Someone who will be a case for the police? You want to spend your life in jail where no one will pity you? You know what will happen? You'll either become useless to society, repeatedly doing the same shit and going to jail for it over and over again, or you will become as pathetic as the men in the slums. You want that? You really want that?!"

With a dry throat, I stared at him, shaking everywhere. This was too jarring for me. Mindlessly, I put all my thoughts into getting free. "Let me go!"

"Levi!" Kenny gripped both sides of my arms, squeezing painfully. I was forced to look him deep in his wrathful eyes. My body and mind were on high alert. "Listen to me now. Listen carefully. I couldn't take care of you anymore, that's true, but that didn't mean I set you free to the outside world to fuck your whole life up! Don't do shits that ruin your life! Don't let yourself get influenced by others who aren't good for you. You can do better than that. You aren't weak! Do you get it now? You can become a decent human, even though you are from the slums. Live, Levi, live!"

He shook my body as soon as he finished, his eye contact having hypnotised me to listen obediently.

Because of that rage, I have become a clouded mess. His wordes were swirling in my head, in a riveting way. "I-... I was j-just doing stuff the way they came up to me th-e whole time..."

"Consider twice what you want to do from now on. Don't agree to every shit. It can end bad for you."

"I..."

He let go of me, now towering above my head like a skyscraper. His shadow fell over me.

"I..." I tried again, but my throat constricted.

"Don't throw the value of your life away, Levi. Do something with it with which you can be proud of."

These were his last words before he walked away. Leaving me behind once more.

Giving me pacifistic advice, but running away like a coward soldier.

And yet... his words... reached a spot in my chest that had me thinking my life over. Whether I should go on like this or not.

Was it worth it? Did I really need it?

Was my life low because of what I was making of it?

Whater the answers were, I had made a decision within seconds. A decision I hoped to never regret.

So after I threw the phone into one of the containers behind a shop and a had an hour-long releasing walk, I went back to the orphanage. There, I faced Roy in the washing room where we'd meet often to discuss plans for the day. It wasn't washing duty right now.

"Hey. You're here. I knew you wouldn't let yourself keep caught. Did the securites catch you?" Roy tipped his head to the side and gave a half-hearted smile.

I negated with a shake of my head. "No one of the securities saw me. I met someone else, though."

"Oh? Who was it?"

"That doesn't matter. But what matters is what I have to say."

"You're making it sound as if it were hella important." Roy crossed his arms and chewed on his gum, blowing a ballon that burst when it got as big as the width of his face.

"It is. Kinda. I... I don't want this anymore."

"You don't want what?"

I stretched my arms to sway them in a semi-circle to my sides. "All of this. The stuff we're doing together. I don't want to steal."

"Huh?? Where does that fucking change of mind come from? You had wanted to make money with stolen goods a few hours ago! We didn't even fail with the first theft we did together."

"Yeah, but still, I don't wanna go on like this."

Roy squinted his eyes, irritation slowly clouding his facial features. "Who is the guy you talked to?"

"It doesn't matter. I-"

"What fuckery did he tell you?! Man, Levi, what the fuck! You're acting like a girl! Where is the old, fearless Levi who didn't hesitate to do anything??"

I breathed in and out deeply. "Roy. I don't have the intention to act like my past self anymore. None of the stuff you and I did will happen again, at least not with me. You could... stop with it too... and join me. Or you can carry on with your plans, I don't care. I just won't partake in them ever again."

Roy's expression softened a bit. "Okay, okay. So you don't want to steal, I got that. It's okay. We have other ways to make money. You can just participate in street fights then. That thing brought us-"

"No." I interrupted him easefully, but ultimately, "No more street fights for me either. Nothing that is illegal."

There was a reaction whirling inside Roy. Emotions bubbling up. Something like anger and denial.

But at that moment I was foolish enough, so optimistic and naive, to actually think I could convince him into thinking that my suggestion was the better one. I looked at him with a settled expression, a tiny smile hinted on my lips, and I had hopes.

After everything we went through together, I wasn't indifferent to him, I assumed. He would perhaps consider my words, at least mull over them.

But it was only a few seconds later that the opposite was proven to me.

Roy revealed his true side to me. His egoistic and merciless side.

"Hey, Levi, that's not how this works. That's not how I want things to work. I think you didn't get it. I can't believe you really thought I would agree to your shit. You aren't allowed to do as you will, you piece of shit. I became your one and only friend. I gave your life some thrill. You have to do the things I want you to do. You're a good source of captial in street fights."

"Do that yourself. I've never seen you fight there. Are you too weak for it, or what?" I quipped sourly at him.

Not the best idea. His eyes dulled, jaw hardening. "You think I'm a kind friend who hangs out with you for fun? Fuck no, I want to use you more and get all the advantages out of it. You were really pliable to my demands and wishes. You're a good puppy whose inexperience and feelings I can use for my own advantage. And you won't take that away from me. You worthless monster."

As if we were suddenly beamed to the Antarctic, the air around me a million degree colder and freezing the inner of my lungs. Everything inside squeezed and hurt, head spinning. I felt like a fool getting stabbed in the back by a traitor when I was protecting them.

The reality was really close to that. Even closer than I had thought.

My bottom lip quivered very faintly as my widened eyes viewed Roy's figure pathetically. "You... used me? Every moment we spent together was because you wanted something from me? You wanted gains from me? You manipulated me into thinking we'd be good friends? Talked me into stuff that was beyond a fucking friendship?"

Roy grinned grossly. "Let's say I could have much fun with you. All kinds of fun. Each of them for my own entertainment. And now, Levi," He retrieved something from his back pockets. A knife. He held it up threateningly. "You better take back your hippie shit. I would rather not lose something that can benefit me."

All of his approaches, his efforts of talking to me and befriending me, his tolerance-everything had been fake. He used me. I got as far as to open up emotionally to him than I ever did to others, but what he did in return was to use me.

I fell into a trap and didn't realise it. Accepted him and unbolted part of my feelings to him only to find out that he had never meant it well with me. I had been a good fool for him. That was all.

I had trusted him to a big extent. A big mistake.

"You don't want me to beat your old self into you, do you?" he growled spitefully, smirk splitting into two.

When the inner numbness finally stopped, I felt like forcing myself to remain in that state forever. If no parts of myself could feel anything, I couldn't get fooled.

But I was feeling things. The bitter taste of betrayal clawing at my limbs, eating me alive with its sharp and snarling teeth. Emotions of when Kuchel betrayed me revisited me, much stronger though, and I had the gross urge to let my pain out with a cry.

"Go," I grumbled hoarsely, the wetness in my eyes stinging, "fuck yourself."

Roy ran to my direction, the blade of his knife pointing at me.

I shook, furious disappointment making me mad. Prone to defend myself. Attack. Destroy the one who destroyed yet another part of my life. I thought I was done with that. Done with failures.

Against my believes, Roy hadn't been a total weakling. He knew moves and tricks and swung his knife skillfully. But in the end I was better. Stronger. More aggressive.

Driven by my roaring, primal instincts, I blocked every of his attacks and attacked him myself. He was on the floor within half a minute, his knife in my hand. The blade faced down, right over his face.

Roy eventually understood that he was stuck, that he had a problem right now. With how unpredictably mad I was, I could basically decide to slice him. The anger devoured me wholly, mind blank. I could literally... do something that I might regret later.

What did Kenny say?

Do not show any...

The whimpering under me touched parts of my sanity. So far, I hadn't done anything except keeping Roy on the floor with my foot on his chest. He looked like going to piss in his pants very soon.

"Next time you want to hurt me," I slithered through gritted teeth, breathing heavily through my nose, "don't even try it!" And then I threw the knife, powerful. Purposely, I let its tip pierce the floor next to Roy's face. Roy hadn't figured that out right away and thus snivelled like a child, sobbing, from the moment on where I had let go of the knife.

With that, I left while he was still glued to the floor with how much he'd perspired. Every fiber of my being trembled anxiously, so that I had to flee to my room, locking the door.

I slided down the wooden surface as I attempted to even my breath when my conscience took over me, reminding me of what I had failed to stick to.

Kenny's words. The one and most important thing he'd taught me throughout the years.

I held my head, laid it on my bent knees when the words sounded off like a mantra inside.

Do not show any emotions while fighting.

Do not show any emotions while fighting. Do not show any emotions while fighting. Do not show any emotions while fighting.

Do not show any emotions... at all.

My breathing slowed down.

Don't show emotions.

Don't show any emotions at all. Don't show any emotions at all. Don't show any emotions at all.

Yeah, that sounded... good. Optimal, actually.

Why should I bother showing feelings and becoming vulnerable because of it when I could refuse doing so and protect myself with that method just as well?

From the things with Kuchel I knew that love was abuse, abuse, abuse.

Feelings were a nuisance. Causing problems for me. They just made me vulnerable.

I didn't need them. Didn't want them. I was better off without them. I wouldn't have to get worried about getting hurt when there weren't any feelings to abuse.

Don't show any emotions.

With that new mantra slowly engraving into my head, coining my mind, I slipped into my bed and curled myself into sleep.

The doors that led to my emtions were locked away one by one.

Until I wasn't feeling love or sadness anymore.

The next day it was found out that Roy had run away from the orphanage. After the incident in the washing room we hadn't spoken or seen each other again. A week later it became clear that Roy wouldn't come back. He was gone forever; fled to live a pitiful life somewhere else.

I, of course, embraced that circumstance, having gone back to how I used to live before he came into my life-with the one exception that now I put efforts into being distant and indifferent towards other people more than ever. It became a lifestyle so to speak; don't open up to a person, don't show private or earnest feelings to anyone.

Don't get attached to a thing or a person which can also bring sadness to you later. Don't care about other's feelings.

Don't show affection.

Don't show any emotions.

Mentaly revelling in a sphere based on these principles, I gradually became familiar with them and acted accordingly.

I became a guy without feelings. A guy no one could hurt. Emotionally at least. Physically as well, if I didn't purposely alleviate my fighting abilities by doing drugs or drinking alcohol.

Fast forward a month, I found myself in the public librabry. Occasionally, Kenny's words flickered before my eyes and they would bother me for a while. It was true that I wasn't doing anything illegal anymore, except smoking and drinking once in a while (but no one could charge me for that anyway).

And now here I was, a crappy attempt at educating myself by reading books... or something like that. I couldn't quite exactly tell what I was planning to do or hoping for with this, but doing it already gave me a satisfactory feeling.

Strangely enough, reading books was okay. A good activity to kill time. Some books were exciting enough to make me stay in the library for hours. To no one's surprise, I didn't have the money nor the permission to have a library card, so I spent my time inside the library, reading the books.

There came a day where, for a reason I didn't want to know, many people visited this place. A class full of students so it seemed. They filled the room that I had occupied with a book in my lap. Tons of kids flipped through books which they took out from the shelves, chattering with others by the way, another good portion just ran round the shelves and laughed and screamed. The teacher didn't even bother doing something about it.

Extremely annoyed by it, I rose from my seat, clenching my jaw tight. What was left of my self-control prevented me from raging and telling them to shut up.

So, instead, I slammed the book back to its place and made a beeline to the exit. On my way, I came past a group of tables where people were studying. Someone stood up, a full plastic cup of water in their hand, when I passed them and, for fuck's sake, we of course had to collide. The boy with creamy-blond hair mouthed an 'o' when he saw where a good amount of water had landed and I looked down at my wettened shirt with horror and anger.

"Oh, dude, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you coming. Gosh, I can be glad I didn't opt for lemonade." The guy had the ridiculous audacity to laugh.

Glaring violently at him, I grabbed the half-empty cup from his hand and poured the rest onto his laptop keyboard.

"Hey!" he yelled loudly. "Are you fucking crazy?! Why did you spill water on my laptop? My physics exam! Fuck!" He clutched his head with his hands, more desperate than mad, inspected his laptop which screen had turned black the moment the few droplets had met with the surface of his keyboard, only for him to accept that nothing could be saved anymore. That was when anger finally overweighed him, and he switched his attention to me, scowling and fisting the collar of my shirt.

"You ruined my shirt!" I reproached him.

"It's just water, what the fuck! It'd have dried off quickly. We have nice weather anyway!" He pulled me up by my collar.

"I don't give a shit! I hate it when other people get on my nerve!"

"You fucking ruined my laptop! That's not the same. Not damn fair! D'you even know how much a laptop costs?! You'll pay for my broken one!"

"I won't pay anything!"

"You will!"

"I won-" Suddenly, we were intervened by a noise. It wasn't even a voice by one of the other persons present here. It came from the inner of my abdomen. My stomach had growled. Oh, hell damn it. Why did my stomach have to demand food right at this very moment? That was so humiliating, especially when I had been in a serious quarrel with someone.

The guy eyed me oddly with a raised brow, gaze dropping to my stomach. A frown weakly maintained, I involuntarily pushed out a strangled mewl between my ground teeth.

He released me with a pitiful sigh, and waved a hand dismissively. "Whatever. Go home and let yourself get fed by your parents. You sound like having a ravenous appetite, it's unbelievable."

I frowned, and covered my stomach with my arms, pressed firmly. "I don't have any parents."

The cream blond-haired stunned barely noticably. "Oh. So... an orphan?"

I didn't reply, averted my eyes. Enough for him to interpret that reaction as a 'yes'.

"Well, then, go eat something in your orphanage." He suggested obliviously.

"Can't." I mumbled sheepishly, but my anger hadn't completely faded away. My head was turned to the side. "I won't get anything to eat for a day because I ran away from my cleaning duty today. It's just really shitty for me because I didn't eat anything yesterday. How idiotic." I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity and stubbornness. I really needed to eat something soon, even if it meant to beg my roommates to snatch something from the kitchen for me.

The guy had regarded me for a long while, was lost in thoughts while closing his eyes, and at last shrugged to himself, packing his things. "Come with me." was all he said to me, casually.

"Where to?"

He shrugged again. "A burger shop or so. I'll get you something to eat. I'm kinda getting hungry too, to be honest." He laughed heartily.

"I don't want your pity. Fucking stop with that." My frown deepened.

"Hey, show some gratitude. Rude kid. You are hella hungry, aren't you? Better appreciate my kind offer." He headed for the library exit, his bag slung over his shoulders. And I followed him aimlessly.

I complained, "I'm not that hungry. Don't make it sound like I'm starving, idiot."

My words lost significance the moment I was granted a full tray of burgers and fries and a soft drink. Because I stuffed everything into my mouth like a hungry dog. The food was eaten in record time.

When I finished, I allowed myself a heavy and content sigh. The dude's smug face came to view. With how he had his fingers threaded and placed under his chin and that cheeky grin adorning his expression, he was delighted by the fact of having been right with his assumption about my needs.

I gave him a glare as a retort, senselessly rubbing my belly.

"You full now?" he cooed extra nicely.

I glared hard. "Yeah." I sat up straight, using a napkin to wipe off any grease around my lips. Meekly, I switched repeatedly between looking him in the eyes and averting my gaze. "You see... I can't... the food. Uh..."

"Screw that. I'm inviting you." The boy smiled as he sipped at the straw of his drink.

With that issue cleared now, there was another thing that gave me qualms. I couldn't care less actually, but he had given me free food. So I at least had to explain myself. "About your," I briskly pointed at it with my finger, hands hiding under the table less than a second after, "laptop. I had been pissed off because the kids were so damn noisy in the library. I wanted to go, but you spilled on my shirt and I got even madder. Look, you see- I don't have any money. At all. I can't pay anything. I can't... your..." Ridiculously frustrated, I succumbed to making quick decisions, resulting in me preparing to leave this place and leave that guy behind without any more words-just running away from my problems.

But that idea nullified in my mind when the guy said with a polite laughter, "God, don't worry about my broken laptop. What I said to you in the library was without any meaning. My father has enough money. He could buy me 10 laptops if I wanted."

"Huh? Really?" I was already stood on my feet, ready to go when puzzlement arose and blotted my face. My eyelids squeezed to a slit.

He nodded sincerely. "Yeah. Don't shit yourself. We're cool about the issue with my laptop. Now sit down. You still have your drink left. Want more food?"

If this guy had any ill intentions, I was prepared for it. No one could hurt my feelings. Because I didn't allow any to show off ever since that incident with Roy. So talking to him and hanging around with him couldn't bring me any harm.

"No." I said and sat back, swaying my cup.

The other male sighed. "It's just a pity now because of my test. I will fail it for sure and can't do anything about it." He covered his eyes as he said that rather to himself than to me, talking with exhaustion.

"What?" I questioned, not getting a word of what he was babbling about.

He opened his eyes widely, desperate. "Physics! I'm going to write a physics exam tomorrow, but I don't understand shits. So I hacked the school's system to get the digital copy of the text that has the answers in them. I was in the middle of copying the answers to study them and use them in the exam tomorrow when you spilled water on my laptop. I'm so gonna fail now. Oh god."

I curled my brows, a hint of feeling dumbfounded crossing my senses. The guy went back to wallow in self-pity. He took his cup and sulked as he drank from it.

"Hacking is a crime." I stated, casual, a matter-of-fact. I did wonder about how he could have the guts to confess his illegal doings to me as if he'd be recounting his day.

He stopped sipping, motionlessly focusing on me with his eyes. He smirked faintly. His hands dragged his cup towards my face-until the straw met my bottom lip. I've had had worse (a dick) inside my mouth, but the straw was grossing me out enough so much. He seemed like wanting to put a finger on my lips.

"As long as no one else knows." he whispered stealthily, winking.

I remained still, but was turning to unintelligible mush inside.

That straw on my lips gave me a crisis!

He finally let go and I emitted the breath I had been unknowingly holding in.

"Even if you were to tell anyone, that wouldn't matter. After all, you did a great job in erasing all evidences. My laptop has become useless. Utterly and worthlessly useless." The guy shrugged and took a sip.

Ew. An indirect kiss.

I rubbed my sleeve over my mouth. "Whatever." No more than a mumble.

"What's your name, by the way?"

I replenished the inside of my mouth and my dry throat with liquid. It was hot today. "Levi."

"Cool. I'm Farlan."

"Mhm. Good for you."

Farlan took a little pause, surveilling me as he smiled courtly. "You wanna go back to the orphanage now?"

"Tch. Fuck, no. If I do that, I'd have to listen to the old woman's nagging and complaints about my disobedience. I will go back when we have to head to our rooms." Shamelessly, I grabbed a handful of Farlan's fries on his tray, letting each piece wander down my throat delicately over my parted mouth and bent back head. I slurred while munching, "Meaning I still have lots of time until nightfall."

"That's good for you. Well, kind of. I have to go soon, though. Here." He pulled out dollar notes. He tipped his head to the side. "I'll give you this money. You can buy some sweets or whatever you're craving for. Only if... you agree on us meeting again next week?"

Not having entirely listened to him, I had been trying to snatch the money from his hands, but stunned and halted when he had finished. "Huh? You want to see me again? What the fuck, do you want me to destroy your phone next time, or what?" I kidded, snorting.

He moved the money away from me every time and smirked spitefully. "I won't let any of my electronic devices come near you again. So, what is it now? Deal?"

"Why do you want to see me again in the first place? What the fuck. I'm the exact opposite of what you are regarding money and status." I practically jumped onto Farlan's laps to get to the money.

He eventually gave it to me without struggles. "You're an interesting guy to talk to." He swung his bag over one shoulder and made his leave, waving. "And I've never had an orphan as a friend. You seem pretty okay, actually."

I hummed disapprovingly, all of my attention directed at the money in my hands.

Weirdly enough, I did stick to our agreement which I - technically speaking - hadn't agreed to, and so, one week later, we were sat at the same table in the same fast food shop. Contradictory to his own words, Farlan had let me use his phone to play a video game. My first attempts turned out to be lousy as hell, but I played several rounds, close to genuinely enjoying the game.

Meanwhile, Farlan ate his meal leisurely. He paid for our food just like last time; anything else would have been impossible anyway.

To appear as if I was attempting at being endurable, I asked, "How was your physics exam?"

Farlan stirred in place, as if a pang had sliced through his body. He mimicked a crunched face. "Don't ask. Just... don't ask."

I suppressed a devilish smirk. The music from the game chimed and was the only thing to hear for a while.

"Anything that happened for you?" Farlan asked and didn't miss the tone of genuine interest.

"Nah. Only that I refused to clean today."

"Because you wanted me to treat you on a meal again, hm?" Farlan knew he hadn't needed to ask this to know what the answer would be.

"Yep." I replied promptly, feigning innocence.

"You sly ass."

"Thanks for the compliment." I tapped on the button that opted for a next round on the phone.

"Well," Farlan leant back, holding his soft drink, "My father remarried a month ago. We moved together with his wife and her daughter this week."

"Great for you."

"It is." he agreed, unperturbed. Dreamily. "My step-sister is cute. Isabel. She's 8. My dad and her wife said they like the idea of a patchwork family. They're probably thinking about having a third child."

"Mhm." I buzzed indifferently. At least the game didn't ask for that much attention from me. "You're gonna be a good big brother." And despite all, I did talk to Farlan in the end. Gave him parts of my attention.

"Of course I will." he bragged and floated in self-confidence. "I like having siblings. One can have much fun with them."

"Mhm." This would probably become the most used word of the day.

I decided to spare him a glance that lasted more than a couple of seconds. He smiled at me, happy and only Heaven knew why. He lowered his stare to his own phone in my hands. "Are you allowed to own phones in the orphanage?"

"No."

"Well then." He grabbed the device. I watched how my hands got empty, flabbergasted. "That doesn't mean I can't use it secretely there." I extended a hand at him, requiring the phone.

Farlan chuckled, delightfully amused. "That doesn't mean I will give you my phone. I wasn't thinking any second about doing that. Don't be so greedy."

"Don't be so spoiled." I counterattacked immediately.

He slided his phone into his breast pocket, smiling viciously.

I fumed with anger, but soothed just as quickly. Facing the empty tray before my eyes, I said, "Thanks for the meal. Again."

"No problem, dude. How about going to the cinema this weekend? There's an awesome movie going to be released on Sunday. I was waiting for it for so long now."

If it hadn't been for my radical change of handling feelings, I might have sensed a light tingle of happiness blooming in my chest. Instead, everything was a vast void for me. Not uncomfortable, though. I didn't mind it.

"Sure."

I had slowly but certainly come to the realisation that Farlan was giving me a chance to do stuff an orphan normally hadn't had the opportunity to do. Eating whatever I wanted until my stomach would burst, watching movies, buying cool clothes and shoes, skateboarding, and playing video games. I would have never dreamt of experiencing these. Doing so legally, that was.

After a second visit to the cinema, I had offered myself to him (a blowjob to start off slowly) as a compensation for all of his spendings on me, only to get coke spurted on my face, out of shock. He had then made clear that he didn't want anything from me and that he didn't spend money on me with seconds thoughts in mind. I got it, even if my face had to get wet in the process.

A shock I had to stomach, however, came a few days later. One of the orphanage aunts had informed me about a family being interested in adopting me. Sure, there had been times where people visited our place and took orphans with them, but the possibility of me getting adopted one day had never crossed my mind.

On my way to the dining room, I was given a piece of sheet. Someone had left me a message to which I reacted with utter internal confusion. It read,

'This is your last chance to get your life together. Don't waste it, brat. K.'

I scowled at the paper, ripping it apart. Kenny could go and die in hell, for all I cared.

Once I entered the hall, I came to face with a little family of four. A small red-haired kid with two pigtails, radiating a bright smile at me, a woman with the same hair colour but her hair being straight and smooth, viewing me nicely, a man with ash blond hair and a beard, and-

Oh my god. What the...

What was the meaning of this?!

The fourth member of the family was Farlan?! He had his arms crossed behind his head and was leaning back casually, eyes off to the window on his left.

"Here he is. Levi Ackerman." the woman next to me said.

The two adults stood up and walked over to me, hand in hand. Farlan took his step-sister's hand and stood up with her. Midway, that bastard finally established eye-contact with me, stopping in his tracks.

I glared at him, and his expression told me that he couldn't form a coherent thought.

"Hello, Levi. Nice to meet you. I'm Cassie. And this is my husband Richard." The red-haired woman, Cassie, spoke fondly. A silky voice touching me with feathers. "Would you like the idea of living with us and your two new siblings Isabel and Farlan?"

Restless, I sometimes tore my eyes away from Farlan, scrutinizing the man and woman and kid. Latter one had tried to take my hand and I pulled it away.

"I don't care." was my only response to their question.

"We'll make sure that you'll feel comfortable when living with us." They took Isabel by their hands and turned to discuss the details with the orphanage woman.

Farlan pulled me to the side, but I was the first one to snap.

"Is that your doing?!" I hissed.

"No!" Farlan pushed in a whisper, looking over his back to check whether we were monitored by his parents. "I didn't even know which orphanage you were at! This is coincidence! I told you I thought my parents wanted to have a child and not to adopt a child."

"I'm not a child, I'm 14!"

"Whatever!"

"Farlan?" Said person hurriedly let go of me and both of us wheeled around to the source of the voice, pretending not to know each other.

Cassie was giving Farlan an inquiring look. "Is everything okay? Do you two know each other?"

"Oh, no. No, not at all." Farlan laughed insecurely, waving a hand dismissively. "We just had a small talk to exchange names and stuff."

"Ah. I see." Cassie still didn't seem convinced, but she also didn't know what else to say. So she let that answer slide.

Farlan and I breathed out simultaneously.

Without much hindrances and the paper work being done pretty fast, I found myself inside their car, my few belongings in the luggage trunk, diving into a totally new life where I had mother and father figures, and siblings even. So far, I couldn't come to peace with that. I rather frowned in my seat, irritated.

"Now you won't be able to get rid of me so soon." Farlan whispered to me, and snickered. I groaned.

On my first days living with them, Cassie and Richard did their bests to grant me the easiest access to assimilation. They didn't need to ask of Farlan to take care of me for as long as I was still feeling foreign around them because Farlan had volunteered in doing so. Great. Now I'd have him around me more than anything else.

With more days passing while I was spending time with them, I also started to notice differences to living as an orphan. I was bound to the bond of a family. I've never felt like being in a family before, and that sudden change peeved me.

"Cassie and Richard are trying to familiarise you with the new circumstances." Farlan had explained to me one day when I had told him what I was thinking about the novel environment.

"I don't want that family shit shoved down my throat. It's annoying." I didn't mind looking at him, playing on my phone they gave me so that I was available anywhere and at anytime.

"We aren't- Listen, Levi. It's about being one family where no one should ever feel neglected." Farlan rose from the spot on my bed and left my room, but not before ruffling my hair. I sighed out with slight chagrin.

I really hated this.

Even after weeks they didn't leave me alone. I wasn't spared any of their approaches of being kind to me, expressing support whenever I would feel down or whatever crap they pulled out of their asses.

To the point that one day I entered my room after a particular shitty school day (of course Cassie and Richard had made sure that I would visit a good school) and slammed my door shut, turning the volume of my music boxes to the max, rock music blasting through the speakers. To let off some steam, I hung more posters of bands on my wall and was so close to crash the electronic guitar they'd given me when I got my own room.

I hated it. I hated everything. That family shit was getting on my nerves and I would have to endure it for years.

It wouldn't get any better for me. I didn't want to play along. It was bullshit.

I sat on the floor by one end of my bed, sinking my head. That was the first time ever that I thoroughly acknowledged the existence of the key around my neck. I had worn this necklace for years, but I hadn't given it much thought or attention until now.

The key.

I placed it on my palm.

I still remembered who had given it to me and what they had said to me.

The key's meaning was...

Bullshit. Yeah, it was crap. Just like this 'family thing'. I didn't need it. I didn't need the key and I didn't need a family.

So I walked over to my nightstand and tossed the key inside a drawer. From then on, I didn't spare that particular drawer a glance for years. Many, many years.

Cassie and Richard and Farlan had noticed how much more arbitrary I was around them with each passing day. I did whatever I wanted to do; went to school when I felt like it, ate in my room and not at the dining table when I felt like it, didn't babysit Isabel when I felt like it, came home really late when I felt like it. Farlan would try to reach me with wise words, but I didn't give a single shit. Whenever they wanted to do something together with me as a family, I refused.

Most of the time, they inferred from my rebellious behaviour that it was hormonal fluctuations. Technically speaking I was a teenager during puberty. But I myself knew the best that my attitude didn't stem from that.

I acted pissed-off because I didn't want to deal with them.

And there was a time... where exactly that triggered of a fatal fight. Me versus my 'family'.

On a - to me - randomly chosen day, they had decided to make a small trip-and of course they wanted me to go with them. A family trip.

When I had heard of Cassie and Richard talking about it, believing I wasn't listening in on their conversations from upstairs, I was already foreshadowing that they'd want to tell me about their plans soon, most likely even on the same day, so I made up my mind and only one thought became relevant to me: I wanted to avoid this topic.

A trip with them counted as one of the least things I would bother to do with them or at all. I didn't need any of that solidary crap. They should leave me alone.

Half an hour later, Cassie and Richard perceived me and how I was preparing to leave. They caught me on the entrance hall, Farlan and Isabel joining.

Rolling my eyes and groaning despisefully, I blocked my senses in order to take in as less of their questions as possible while slipping into my shoes.

Leave me alone.

"Levi? Where are you going?" I ignored them demonstratively. Cassie's voice reached me as a dull noise. "Could you please listen to us for a minute? There's something we'd like to discuss with you. You see..."

Not enough, not enough. They were so persistent, it drove me to madness. More of this and...

Richard completed what his wife had started. "Cassie and I thought about a trip to the ocean. Have you ever seen the ocean before? What do you think about that idea? All of us, as a family, going to see the ocean? I'm sure it'll be fun, even for you!" He was so enthusiastic about it. Gross.

"Why can't you stop this already?!" I snapped. "All I'm hearing for days and weeks and months is family here, family there, we are all a family, everyone is loved equally because we are a family! Family, family, family! It's unbearable! I'm sick of it!"

"But... we just want to take well care of you, as our beloved adopted child. You shall have the most pleasant time here-with us." Cassie's face fell to form anxious sadness. She clutched her necklace and played with it frantically.

Getting more irritated, I yelled "I don't want any of that damn family bullshit! I don't care about it! Fuck off!" Cassie gasped, covering Isabel's ear. "All of you!"

"Hey! Mind your language!" Farlan bellowed at me sharply. Richard expressed worry.

I pointed at them as I opened the front door. "You all are nothing to me! I don't give a damn about you!" My hand on the handle caused the door to quiver in its hinges and release a giant ear-defeaning noise.

The next thing I did was something that I was unbeatably good at. Because of how often I've done it already.

Running away from my problems.

I ran and ran and ran even more. Towards the center of the city, far away from the house that I saw as my personal hell. The villa at the end of Wall Maria District was the devil in disguise. Making me furious.

So I ran. Fast and without a plan. My legs moved on their own and I lost myself in my own mind, everything turning white inside, and reasoning and sense of direction deteriorating.

Far away, into the abyss of lunacy.

And, to be honest, where I landed in the end wasn't so far away from it.

A main street - in a small district - known for its many side-alleys. I knew this place, knew it very well. And I was highly aware of what was in one of those side-alleys. A place I used to visit regularly-with Roy.

While I was catching my breath, I stepped closer to said alley. Finally there, at the beginning part of the alley, I lurched inside. Today, Roy wasn't here and I was more than glad about it. The more familiar faces to find here caught my eyes.

With the memories of this place invading my mind, I increasingly felt better, more at ease.

Once I stopped in front of them, the three guys that owned this territory and used it as a spot to deal and chill at, I anticipated the relief that would raven me soon. It was like a promise.

"Hey, Levi." the oldest of them greeted me, surprised to see me but not appalled by it. He crooked a luring smirk. "Long time no see. So much time has passed since you last visited us, together with Roy."

"Fuck Roy. I don't care about him." I licked my dry lips, my breath calm.

The guy, his nickname was Spike, took a drag from a dubious cigarette-like thing. Surely, it wasn't something as harmless as nicotine. "I'm sure there's a reason why you're here today, hm?" The smoke was blown out through his mouth and nose. He maintained his cheeky smirk.

"You have some good stuff?" I asked leisurely, at the same time clarifying that I wouldn't accept or react with chill to anything remotely close to my displeasure.

One of the other guys retorted to my demand. "You want this?" He held up a small plastic bag filled with white powder. "Or this?" His other hand was occupied by a bag with two rolls that are filled with pot.

I liked the sight of these two bags. Anything that would blow my mind to the depths of apathy was very welcomed at the moment. I couldn't hold back a little smirk.

Taking drags of weed after snorting cocaine - which hyped my senses with its thrilling effect -, I lay on the floor dozen of minutes later, engulfed by the simultaneous buzzes of ecstasy and peace that swarmed my body. I took another drag and looked up to the sky. My sight cleared when the narrow clouds of smoke dissipated after a while.

I hadn't felt anything so relieving since what felt like forever. At least ever since I was adopted by a certain family that was the cause of my distress.

A song by a rock band played in the background. I closed my eyes and floated in a hazy serenity. Why couldn't my life consist of this relaxation the whole time? It felt splendid. So releasing.

"Are you fucking serious?!" The loud cry in my very vicinity, probably above my head, animated me to blink my eyes open. Finding myself in a shadowy spot now, I opened my eyes to an angered Farlan. He literally fumed. "Is that a joint? You're doing drugs?!"

"Wha-..." How on earth did he...

Suddenly, he grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me up. Not giving me time to stand safely on my feet, he was already dragging me away, pulling hard. I was forced to go with him, stumbling and almost falling more times than walking. Sometimes I tried to resist, tugged at his grip, clawed at his fingers.

"What the- How did you find me?!"

"I tracked your phone. Nothing easier than that."

"You did what?!"

"Shut up and come with me! Stop struggling."

I did the exact opposite and struggled like mad. Many people regarded us with confusion and disdain, but Farlan cared less about that than me. His strong hold managed to drag me to the park, one half of our way behind us. The park was necessary to cross if we wanted to go back. Well, I didn't want to go back.

"Stop this shit! Let me go! You aren't allowed to take me anywhere with force! You can't decide over my life!" Just as less as Farlan loosened his grip and force on me did I reduce my resistance. Neither of us gave up on our doings.

By the time we've reached the big lake in the middle of the park, Farlan sighed harshly, letting go of my arm and swaying around to face me.

I screamed, "You dumb asshole! I-"

Without me expecting it, the very first thing Farlan did after turning around was to clap both of his palms on each side of my cheek. They landed hard on my face, stinging, and the pressure applied on both hands squeezed my face a little.

Farlan glared at me with partly narrowed but deadly eyes. "You're slowly getting on my nerves too, you know?"

The pang in my face lingered for a moment or two, called back parts of my soberness. However that process marched forward only slowly. Because the next thing that came out of my mouth was a concatenation of words deriving from zero self-control. "Fuck, I'm horny."

What I said was the truth.

The drugs kind of had two or more side-effects on me. Didn't help, because Farlan wasn't amused by it. He snapped inwardly and shoved me to the side. Hard enough for me to fall over and dip into the lake.

Before I hit the surface, though, I managed to cry out in panic, "Wait, I can't swim!" and the last thing I saw was Farlan staring wide-eyed, flabbergasted.

He jumped right after me, and pulled me out of the lake. I coughed and panted, curling my body on the lakeshore. The few seconds of fear had really taken over me. I had never imagined there was a possibility in my life where I would drown.

Farlan croaked and slicked his hair back, scowling at me. "I wanted you to cool down from your hideous trip!"

"Oh, don't worry! There's no chance that I've not become sober after such a stunt!" I barked back.

The remaining happenings on that day hadn't stuck well in my mind. But what I clearly remembered were Farlan's swimming sessions in our pool at the backyard where he drilled me how to swim for the next three weeks.

It was on one of our last lessons where he crouched down at the edge of the swimming pool next to me, while I was making a little pause in the water, when he tried to talk with me about the past incidents.

I had expected for that day to come, to be quite honest, but even so it didn't alter my reluctance to listen to it.

"Don't you think it's time for you to apologize to your parents?" Farlan suggested, his voice trailing smoothness.

"I will never ever call them mom or dad, so don't try that shit on me." was my very first retort.

"Are you ever going to apologize to Cassie and Richard?" Farlan tried again. I avoided his pleading face, producing waves on the surface with my arm. Not very interesting. Farlan went on, "They're incredibly upset because they're thinking that they have totally failed in raising you. You matter to them as much as Isabel or I matter to them."

I chewed on my bottom lip, frustrated. And yet, in the end, I was the one to give in. To give up the difficult part of myself.

Which was why one day later I had confronted them with my presence in the living room where everyone was sat on the sofa to watch a movie.

Traces of gloom and the way Richard was holding his wife in his arms unfurled the unspoken despair that hang over their heads.

I hadn't given them a peaceful time, that much was certain.

I took a deep breath and swiftly looked at Farlan. He had a brow arched up. I turned my gaze to the other two. "I'm sorry. Sorry for... having acted so difficult and disrespectful the whole time. This is the first time I'm facing a thing such as being together and nice to each other and supporting every member of the... family. I had a hard time getting used to it. A really hard time. Actually, I couldn't get used to it so far. But from now on I want to try my best. Please..." I halted for a second, willing the unwanted thought away. But I said it out loud nevertheless. "Please don't send me back to the orphanage."

Just a little silence before Cassie rose from her seat, a warm smile spread on her face, wetness hinting at the corner of her eyes. Richard followed her moves.

"We would never-" And then both of them hugged me. I stayed in place, stiffly, not used to receiving such physical affection either. Isabel clung to my legs and Farlan ran a hand through my hair.

For the first time - ever since I started to live with them - did a suave haze of togetherness enclose us.

I had said that I wouldn't be difficult or rebellious anymore. But some things were harder to replace with something better. Or at least so I thought.

I was laying on my bed, wearing headphones and reading a magazine. The music practically blasted through my ears and I was focused on the content of my magazine. I wouldn't notice anything happening around me. At some point I felt a particular inner urge, so I grabbed under my blanket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I couldn't tell yet whether I would fall for the allurement of "harder" drugs again, but as of right now cigarettes would suffice.

Placing one between my lips, I was about to lit it up when all of a sudden someone ripped it away. "Hey!" I complained. Farlan stood next to me, the cigarette in his hand. I couldn't and didn't want to understand him on that matter. I took off my headphones. "It's just cigarettes! Plain cigarettes!"

"Yeah, and you are 10 years too young for them!" Farlan shoved the pack into his back pocket. Even on its way the pack got lightly crushed by his hand. The cigarettes inside wouldn't be of use anymore. Damn.

"What are you doing in my room anyway? Whaddya want?" I placed my headphones back over my ears, raised the volume and dedicated myself to the band articles in my magazine.

Farlan tore the source of music away from my head. As expected. I groaned, annoyed, and rolled my eyes. "Time for you to clean your room." he stated ever so matter-of-factly.

"What?"

"Yeah, you've heard it right. You have probably never noticed but, up until now, it had always been Cassie who cleaned your room. You didn't do so much as to bend your small fucking finger to clean a single corner. Here."

He tossed a bucket full of cleaning products at the side of my bed. I regarded it with incredulousness. Same look was directed at Farlan next. "You want me to clean?"

Farlan spoke slowly, as if I were a dense child. "You have to."

"You're forcing me to clean?" I corrected myself.

"Yep." To make sure, he gathered my headphones and phone and some of my magazines to take them with him. "I hope I don't need to take your e-guitar and your video game console with me. You said you had to clean in the orphanage too. This is nothing new for you."

"But I don't wanna! And that cleaning in the orphanage doesn't count! It was more like spreading the dirt, nothing ever became clean there!" I sat up in my bed, crawling to the bottom end of it as Farlan made his leave.

"This is life, Levi. One has duties in their life. Oh, and," He turned around, faced me with an acute expression. "I hope you didn't do any illegal drugs since last time. No cocaine, no weed, no-"

"I haven't." I pressed through my slimly parted lips.

"Good. You better find a substitute for your drugs." And with that, he left the room.

I let myself fall on the mattress, utterly demotivated, sullen. However, a couple of minutes later, Farlan opened the door again, bringing Isabel inside.

"Before I forget it. Can you take care of Isabel until we're back home? This isn't a request, it's a demand. Mom and dad and I have to go to my school to discuss my choice for university. Which means you two are going to be alone here for a while. This isn't too much to ask for. You clean and will just have to watch over Isabel once in a while. And don't let her disappear from your sight. Got it?" As soon as he finished, he was gone as quickly as he had re-appeared.

Isabel carried a bag with some of her toys and a drawing book. And she beamed at me. Oh god, that bright happiness was not to my linking at all.

"Big bro!" She ran to me, hugging my leg gleefully.

"O-Oh, oh no. No, no. I'm not your... 'big bro'. Farlan is." I shook my leg lightly, hoping to get her off me. Though I failed at it.

"No, you are my big bro!" She hugged my leg tighter.

"But... Farlan... is the oldest." Desperate, cringy chills had me squirm internally.

"Okay, okay. I'm your big bro. Fine. Now can you, please, let go of me? Your... big bro has to clean his room." She did release my leg from her too affectionate embrace, instead smiling broadly at me. I waved a hand towards her bag. "Go, go play with your coloured crayons or whatever."

I couldn't believe the sheer presence of this girl had literally made me clean my room for real.

And even less could I trust my eyes and mind when, during the cleaning session, I had, strangely enough, really found interest in wiping and dusting everything clean. The thought and physical image of looking at something that was free from any dirt or dust convinced me. It evoked a good feeling, I couldn't deny that. Having everything neat and spotless was the best sight ever.

Too engrossed in my work, I didn't perceive when exactly the others had come back. However, Farlan did visit me in my room again some time, once he was back.

"Hey, Levi, we're back. Is everything all right her- What the..." He choked on his words, bewildered.

I gave him a questioning raise of my brow.

"Why is Isabel sitting inside a cartboard box?!" He flailed his arms forward to the cartboard in the middle of my room. Indeed, I had put her inside-for reasons. Farlan wanted to approach and pick her up.

"Stay where you are! I've just cleaned there!" I shouted, a threatening pointer finger pointing to him.

"Where did you clean?" Farlan sounded like he didn't bother about that.

"Everywhere!"

"Levi, why on earth did you put Isabel inside a box?" He put reproaching emphasis on every uttered word.

"Because I was cleaning the room." I imitated his prior way of speaking, as if Farlan were to be the dense child here right now. "I didn't want her to dirty anything with her fingers or crayons."

"Oh, good gracious." Farlan's exhasperation resembled a feeble sigh.

"She's totally all right. Look, she's drawing on the inside walls of the box. And I cleaned as told. Where is the damn problem?"

"Don't swear in front of Isabel." Farlan picked her up, lowering her to the ground next to the box. As an act of comfort, he stroked her hair fondly. Meanwhile I made the mental note to clean the spots that Farlan and Isabel were walking and standing on.

"Big bro cleaned everywhere!" Isabel cheered and raised her arms happily. Her crayons slipped from her fingers. Oh my fucking god, even more to clean. I grunted as I tilted my head up to the ceiling.

"Yeah, he really did." Farlan looked at me then, an amused expression. "Really? Cleaning has become your substitute?" That he would have liked to cackle to this revealed his mocking tone.

I mouthed a silent 'Fuck you' and fixated him with a glare.

"We can help him clean! Because," Isabel fidgeted, trying to collect the right words. Her small hands balled to fists and her timid face rose to look into Farlan's, a tiny fist stretched out. "Because we're family! Right, Farlan?"

Farlan smiled warmly, bumping her fist softly with his own one, keeping his balled hand on top of hers. "Yeah. We are."

"Big bro!" A big grin stretched over her lips as she beckoned me to join them. She giggled cutely.

I hesitated for a single second, not eager to join a childish act. But I did it for them; for Isabel.

"Yeah, you're right." I occupied the place next to them, our formation being that of a triangular form. I let my fist collide with theirs in the middle. "We are... a family."

"Yeahhhh!" Isabel chanted, enthusiastic.

Farlan expressed a smile that told me that he was proud of me and I...

It was rare of me doing that, but today was one of the days where I could milden my constant frown and smile genuinely.

It was a happy moment for me.

***

After that Farlan hadn't stopped helping me to get a stable life. He had even tricked me into getting amazing grades.

In school, two people, Erwin and Hanji, had made approaches on befriending me after my failed attempts of keeping them away with my glares-just as I did with all the other students (they must have been immune to my scowls, especially Hanji). Erwin, Hanji and I became somewhat good friends, even after attending (the same) university.

University could happen for me because of the generous support of Cassie and Richard. There hadn't been a moment where they didn't care about my well-being and future career.

In the end, all they did was treating me like their biological child.

And that was one of the main reasons why I was here today.

Having arrived at their house, I parked my car and strode to the entrance door. Via prior message exchanges, it was for sure that they were home, expecting me. Coincidentally, Isabel and Farlan were present as well; even better for me, to be honest. It was the best if all of us could come together today.

Cassie opened the door for me. We hugged, Richard gave me a firm but loving handshake, Isabel and Farlan greeted me with a 'Yo.' each. Seeing each other again after a few months prompted us to have several and diverse conversations.

Sitting together in the living room with coffee and tea and after two handfuls of small talks, I gave vocal existence to the issue I came here for.

I began with, "I know I am not unfamiliar to you since a long time. We've known each other for about 14 years now. So much time has passed and that I come with this only now may be... Even if it may be too late, I hope you can accept - acknowledge - what I would like to tell you all." I paused and looked down at my almost empty tea cup and imagined my next words swimming in them. Half a year prior they would be probably drowning and failing to give reason to do this. That I was here at this point right now was because of a certain person in the first place.

Exhaling the last bits of restraints, I continued, "Thank you. Thank you all. For having given me a family. For being a family. I have never really shown any appreciation towards that, but now I want to show my gratitude in its entirety and flawlessness. Without a doubt, having lived together with you was one of the best things to happen to me. You've treated me like your own child, even at times where I was difficult to handle. You never gave up on me." My lips sealed closed on cue, as if I had to take my time for the final step. Choosing the words wisely, pouring meaning into them. I've said three of the words before to someone else, but now they were meant for others. "I love you all, as my family. Thank you for everything you've done for me."

Cassie was the first one to beam a lovely smile, but to also burst into tears. She hugged me a second time today, kissed my cheeks, told me over and over again that she loved me too. Richard was basically the same (minus the tears), being happy to have me in his life. Isabel exaggerated it and tackled me on the couch and it took me minutes to get her off me, not without the aid of the others. Farlan hugged me too and tousled my hair.

"By the way, do you still remember the brunet guy I brought with me once?" I asked when I sat down properly again, straightening my hair.

"Of course. Eren, right? He is a very adorable guy." Cassie stroke my cheek, smooth fingers on pale skin.

"Yeah. Right. Well, we are a couple now." I waited for their reaction. They'd never had anything against my bisexuality, so they didn't look weirdly at me when I mentioned a male and the term 'boyfriend' in one sentence. Isabel and Farlan knew that from the Halloween party, but they didn't seem to have told Cassie and Richard. Because the latter two were reacting joyfully to the news, Cassie taking my hand and giving it an encouraging squeeze.

"That's wonderful!" she said. "Congrats you two. I wish you the best with him. I'm sure he's the best boyfriend ever."

He is.

"You and Eren have to visit us again some time, okay?" Richard patted my shoulder.

"Sure."

"Yay! Big bro has a boyfriend!" Isabel hugged me from behind, but this time I didn't let her tackle me. My struggles and her efforts looked ridiculous together.

She laughed and then Farlan laughed and then it was Cassie's and Richard's turn and lastly...

I laughed with them.

At this point, I thought that every individual was subconsciously yearning for something like a family.

And this one here was my family.

---

A/N: No matter what, I want to post the next chapter on Eren's birthday ^~^