The image of the cracked, bloody windshield haunts me. I see the innocent woman I killed everywhere I look.
After I saved Tony I got cocky. I thought I didn't need training anymore, and that this was all fun and games. I was sloppy, and I acted rashly, and now someone is dead.
I'm never going to kill somebody innocent again.
I need to work harder.
The second we land back in New York at the compound, I make a run for it. That tiny metal box of an aircraft left me feeling trapped and heavy with all eyes on me for the entire flight. It was nauseating. It took every ounce of my control not to burst open the metal walls of the plane from within.
I left the time stone in a large metal box Tony brought on the plane to store it in, so the rest of them can move the stone to the fortress. I don't give it or any of them a second thought. Right now I need to run.
I sprint and sprint to get all of the adrenaline and nerves out of me, and then I sprint some more as a punishment to myself. Eventually after what feels like an hour of doing large laps around the huge backyard, my lungs feel like they're on fire and my throat feels like it's bleeding, so I fall to my knees in front of the house.
I gasp for breath, and tears fall from my eyes as I try and regain my composure.
I let my head fall down in shame, digging my nails into the dirt. I've never been so ashamed of myself. That woman could have had a family, and children, and now because of me they all lost her. It makes me feel nauseous thinking about it.
In fact, the heat exhaustion, physical exhaustion, and sickness all combine so that I find myself throwing up on the grass. My body uncontrollably shakes as I expel everything in my stomach. I scoot a few feet from the vomit and lay back on the grass, wiping a tear away. I feel empty now.
It feels better.
I watch the sun set over the treeline, and then a while later I feel a presence walk up to me.
"We almost made it through that mission without taking a single civilian life. Then you messed up." I hear the condescending voice of Cap above me. His words sting.
I sit up and force myself to look him in the eyes.
"I know. I'm sorry." I say, voice cracking at the end.
"Sorry isn't good enough." He replies and I nod.
"I know." I squeak out.
"Then do better." He commands, and I see that the sympathetic Steve is gone. This is Captain America, and he's scolding his soldier.
"I'll try." I promise him, wiping a stray tear from my eye.
"No, you will." He snaps back.
I nod, not saying anything.
"Stop the self pity. Shower and go to bed. We train at dawn." He instructs me, and I immediately obey. I stand and walk silently past him. When I come inside I see Loki sitting on the couch by the back door.
He stands when I enter, and steps towards me.
"Cassidy-" He begins, but I walk past him. I can't talk to anyone else right now. I just can't do it.
I go in my room, shower, get ready for bed, and force myself to doze off. I don't sleep well, or peacefully, but I do sleep.
A few days go by of the same thing. I wake up at dawn, and I train with Cap and Wanda for nearly the entire day until my body gives out or I come close to another mental breakdown.
Today marks my fourth afternoon of training, and I'm almost at my breaking point again. Cap is making me do drill after drill to hone in my powers and my arms are shaking terribly. I try and throw a heavy metal disk through a hoop he set up with my powers but my hand wobbles and it clashes to the ground with a bang.
"Get it under control!" He shouts at me.
"I'm trying! My arms are killing me." I tell him.
"That sounds like complaining. Push through. Work harder, Cassidy." He scolds me and I clench my fists in anger.
"I'm. Trying." I repeat.
"There is no trying. You either succeed or you fail. You do it or you don't." He repeats and I let out a frustrated scream at his thick skull, "Do you even want this?"
"Of course I do!" I shout. I want to be perfect more than anything. I want this training so bad I'm willing to give every last ounce of my strength. I will never be irrational in battle. I want to be better than that.
"Do you want this for you? Are you doing this for you?" He asks, stepping closer to me.
The second he says it I know I don't want this for me. If I was doing something for me I would try and get rid of my powers, not refine them. I'm doing this for the woman in the car, and for everyone in my life who has ever doubted me, and for every person on Earth that I vow to never hurt.
"Kind of." I settle on.
"If you kind of want this, then you'll kind of get the results you want." He frustratingly gives me what he thinks is a wise saying and I huff in annoyance. "Take a five, cool down."
He walks away and I roll my eyes. Cap always thinks he's right, and some days it infuriates me more than others.
"He's hard on you because he cares." Wanda says beside me, handing me a bottle of water. I take it graciously.
"He's hard on me because he thinks I'm incapable." I correct her and she gives me a sad smile. I can feel my relationship with Cap slowly toxifying, like the acid of our differences and anger is eating away at the edges of the happy friendship we once had. I still love him, but I don't look at him through the rose-tinted glasses of a girl looking at her childhood hero and crush anymore. No. Now I see him for what he is, what he was made into. He's a soldier. I, it turns out, am not.
"I heard Natasha telling you about the Sokovia Accords. Did she tell you why the United Nations drafted them? Because I set off a bomb in an office building. Dozens of people died, because I made a mistake." She says and I'm rendered speechless, "We are not perfect, but we do what we can to be better. Cap just wants you to be better so you don't have to go through that again."
What she says makes sense, and it comforts me well enough despite my constant and dully burning pessimism about all of this. I'm not sure if that's really what Cap is thinking, but it's nice to know at least Wanda is on my side. She has a quiet air about her, but she is intensely caring and sweet in her own way.
"Thank you, Wanda." I tell her, half because I mean it and half to make her think I mean it. She smiles and squeezes my arm briefly before leaving me to sit by myself.
Before Cap can come back and berate me some more, Tony calls us all inside for a meeting. I sit in my usual spot towards the back of the table and Loki in his spot beside me. In an uncharacteristic move, he places a hand on my knee under the table.
"You saved my life. I never thanked you." He says quietly to me while everyone else files in.
"Did I? Can't seem to remember." I say with a small smile, playing it coy.
"You quite literally stopped time for me." He smiles.
"You saved my life before too, with those horrible lizards. Let's call it even." I tell him and he nods in agreement.
"Okay guys, eyes up here." Tony begins the meeting, "It turns out quite unsurprisingly that we made too much noise in Nepal. People got photos. Fury says the government is onto us."
"What does that mean? Do we have to go back into hiding?" Cap asks.
"Not for the time being. Fury is working on convincing the Sec State to let us continue to run under the radar. I'm sure once he knows we're the only thing separating the world from global domination by a purple space freak he'll understand. If the entire UN catches on, we're probably screwed but for now let's just keep a low profile." Tony says.
"We've always been great at that." Clint remarks and Banner lets a laugh slip out.
Just then, a glittering circular portal opens up in the ceiling and Doctor Strange comes floating through. He flies right towards Loki, and grabs his throat, pushing him back against the wall and knocking me off my chair in the process.
I stand and snap into a battle position, ripping Strange's cape off of him by it's metal hooks, causing him to fall to the ground and lose his flying power. He barely notices.
"You vile trickster!" He screams at Loki, who looks at me in a panic.
"Doctor Strange, stop!" Someone shouts from behind me. A chorus of shouts erupts as people yell at him to stop, but I make sure my voice cuts like a knife through the room.
"Release him or you will find your blood is no longer inside of your body, Doctor." I tell him with surprising ice in my voice, and it catches his attention. He miraculously drops Loki and turns to me.
"Ah, the metallic girl. The one who can wield infinity stones with her bare hands. You think I'm afraid of you? You defend a murderer." He says with hate in his tone.
"He's on our side now and is under the protection of the Avengers." I reply with so much authority in my voice it shocks me.
"Then why did he kill one of my men at the Kamar Taj? Why did I find my friend's lifeless body under the rubble you all left behind?" Strange asks me, and my eyes widen in shock. I look at Loki, and he looks away, telling me it's true.
"He what?" Tony steps up.
"He killed the man I instructed to guard the stone, and keep Loki out. I found him with a cracked skull and broken ribs, as though he was thrown against the wall like a rag doll. I assumed it wasn't Ms. Martin who did that, correct me if I'm wrong." He quips back, fists in balls.
I shake my head slowly. It wasn't me. Now I'm remembering that the guard seemed to have vanished in mere moments. Loki really did kill him.
"Loki, how dare you?" Thor speaks now, walking over to his brother.
"I didn't intend to kill him. He was in our way, and I moved him; I pushed him out of the way! It's not my fault humans are so fragile." Loki spits back defensively.
"You knew he would be hurt or killed! You just didn't care." Thor says in a mixture of fury and disappointment.
"I don't understand your anger, I did this for you, brother! To complete the mission." Loki says frantically, searching Thor's eyes for what I assume is any sign of approval. My heart pangs for Loki for a moment. He only has ever wanted to be appreciated by Thor, and to make him proud. In his mind I truly think he didn't see himself as having killed someone, he just saw himself overcoming an obstacle in his way of completing a mission for the team.
"He was on our side Loki." Thor says in a gruff voice, not knowing how else to get Loki to process this.
"He was in my way." He replies.
"Are you going to deal with this or shall I?" Doctor Strange asks, hands still balled in fists.
"He'll be dealt with. I assure you." Thor says, not looking away from Loki.
"We're sorry, Doctor." Cap replies.
"I can't stand to be near the traitor any longer. I'd advise you all not to trust him. And not to leave me alone in a room with him. This is where I leave you. Tony, you know where to find me." He says, and with a snap of his finger him and his cape are gone through another portal.
"Loki, what the hell is wrong with you? Genuinely. Are you a psychopath or just an idiot?" Tony asks bluntly.
"Probably both." Sam scoffs.
"Definitely both." Adds Clint.
"How do we decide what to do with him?" Cap says and Loki slams a fist on the table.
"Enough! I'm tired of playing superhero! I'm doing this my way now, and I don't need any of you to do it!" He screams, finally sick of all the talk about him. He turns and storms out of the room, and nobody follows him. They really have given up on him in this moment. I can feel it. Thor looks just about hopeless.
Well I'm not giving up on him just yet.
I begin to walk towards the door to chase him. Cap holds out an arm to block my path.
"Don't." He says, but I ignore him, shoving past him and following Loki. I jog to catch up with him just as he reaches the property gate out front.
"Loki don't leave, we can figure all of this out!" I call after him. He stops and turns around, walking back towards me quickly in anger.
"There's nothing to figure out Cassidy! Don't you get it? I'm not like these people...these self righteous bastards! I don't do good for the sake of doing good! I like things done the easy way, as long as I get what I wanted. They were right about me; they were right to warn you. I'm not a hero, I'm a villain. A monster." He gives me a sour speech but I don't buy into any of it.
"You're not like 'these people'? What does that mean?" I ask him, also in a sour tone.
"Them! All of them!" He shouts, gesturing back to the compound where everyone else is, "All the self-proclaimed heroes who walk around pretending to be better than everyone else to ease their own bloody consciences." He spits out.
"Then what does that make me?" I ask him, challenging him.
He leans towards me, looks me dead in the eyes, and says, "Exactly the same."
I pause, forcing myself to step out of this moment and see what he's trying to accomplish by saying that. It stings all the same though.
"I know you don't mean that. I know you're just trying to push me away. It's not going to work." I tell him confidently, partially so he hears it and partially to reassure myself.
He doesn't reply, he just studies me curiously as I step closer to him with a newfound confidence.
"I'm not a hero Loki. I've hurt people, and I'll hurt people again. We're not that different. So if you're a villain, I'm a villain. If you're a monster, I'm a monster." I say.
"So be it." He insists on putting up his wall and I groan in frustration. He seems less sure of his words this time, though.
"Stop this Loki! The truth is neither of us are monsters, that's ridiculous. You can hide behind your tricks all you want but I've seen the real you. I know the real you. This isn't him." I reassure him assertively, getting so close to him by the end that I place a hand on the side of his chest for comfort.
He shakes his head and pulls my hand off of him.
"Nobody knows me, I'm the bloody god of lies and mischief!" He snarls, and I can see the true anger burning in his eyes behind his shell.
"And what you're best at is lying to yourself!" I scream back, growing furious as well. I haven't been this mad at anyone in a long time. How can he be so stubborn?
"Stop acting like a concerned friend, you don't know anything about me!" He scoffs, throwing his arms out.
I'm about to scream back that he's being a rude jerk to someone that only wants to help him, but I don't. I take a deep breath in, and with it my affection for this infuriating man comes rushing back. This is Loki. I know Loki. He's just hurt and confused.
"You sound convincing Loki, but I can see it in your eyes that not even you believe that." I tell him softly and his eyes widen as he stares me down.
His eyes flicker back and forth between mine, as though he's frantically thinking about what to say or do next. "Go back inside, Cassidy." He eventually decides on.
"I will if you come with me." I say stepping forward and grabbing his hand. He looks down at our hands, and my heart skips a beat in my throat. What on earth am I doing here?
"Why do you even care what happens to me?" He asks, and the innocence and pain in his voice nearly breaks my heart and mends it all at once.
"I don't know." I shake my head, and the intensity of his gaze makes me look away. I turn around and walk a few steps away from him to clear my head.
I'm about to walk back inside, feeling so confused suddenly for some reason, but I stop myself. Suddenly I feel this burning desire to turn back to him, and my stomach drops at the thought that he might not be there anymore.
I turn back around and see that Loki is still standing there.
"Why haven't you left yet if you wanted to go?" I ask him.
"I don't know." He shakes his head, and my heart rate speeds up. My stomach feels like it's doing flips inside of me, for reasons I can't explain. All I know is my feet are carrying me towards Loki, and I couldn't stop them if I wanted to. I don't want to stop them, though.
I finally get so close to him our bodies are practically touching. My heart is in my throat at this point.
"Yes, you do." I breathe out, never breaking eye contact with him. I knew those eyes were trouble.
He brings a hand to my cheek and the touch sets off sparks on my skin.
"Yes, I do." He confirms.
And then I'm kissing him. I don't know who leaned into who, but I don't care. My entire body seems to mold to his, and I've never felt so at peace and so terrified in my life.
I can't even focus on how wrong this is because it feels so good and right. His hands grab fistfuls of my hair, and then slowly move to my waist to push me even closer to him than I thought possible. My body feels like it's on fire.
I've never been kissed like this. With a desperate, hunger that I've never felt before. Like in this moment I am truly and fully wanted.
After what must drag on for minutes and minutes, we finally manage to pull our faces away from one another. I search his eyes and he searches mine for an explanation of what just happened. Neither of us seem to have one.
All I know is kissing him was like finding water in the desert. I didn't know how parched I was, how deprived I was, how much I longed for him, until I tasted his lips.
"Don't go." I whisper.
He tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear and rubs the back of his hand along my cheek. My eyelids flutter shut involuntarily and I lean into his hand.
"I won't." He whispers back.
I lean my head on his chest and he wraps his arms around me. I smile into him. We stand like that for awhile, holding each other in the silence of the night.
I don't ever want to let go.