Ø I’m not short! I’m just vertically challenged.
Ø MATH M: mental A: abuse T: to H: humans
Ø Roses are red violets are blue now your with her and I’m happy for you
Violets are blue roses are red I was just kidding I want her dead
Ø Roses are read violets are blue and I’ve got a middle finger just for you
Ø The fastest and easiest way to make your friend mad is simply responding, “the sky” after they ask, “what’s up?”
Ø Would I rather be feared or loved? Um… easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Ø Isn’t it ironic how the boy with the bread and the girl on fire met when the boy with the bread gave the girl on fire burnt bread?
Ø I heard you are dating my ex boyfriend, okay. I’m eating a sandwich do YOU want those leftovers too?
Ø Statistics have shown that those who have the most birthdays live the longest. YOU DON’T SAY!
Ø If stalking is illegal… then why did they create Facebook?
Ø In Alabama, it is against the law to wear a fake mustache that could cause laughter in the church.
Ø To all valley girls and ditzes: you know that he’s the perfect guy for if he’s able to put up with you easily.
Ø Say no to drugs. Say yes to tacos.
Ø There are no stupid questions just stupid people.
Ø I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day!
Ø Come on pencil make words!
Ø Note to self: wearing headphones doesn’t make my farts silent.
Ø Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
Ø We’re friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I get on my boat and save you retarded butt.
Ø Sometimes I wonder, “Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?” then it hits me.
Ø OH, so you wanna argue? BRING IT. I got my CAPS LOCK ON!
Ø Zombies eat brains… you’re safe.
Ø Worst inventions ever:
Powdered water
Inflatable dartboard
A book on how to read
Fireproof matches
Black highlighter
Ø I’m dressing you with my eyes.
Ø My favorite thing about eating gummy bears is knowing they can’t fight back when I bite their heads off.
Ø If stupid had a picture in the dictionary, you’d be looking at yourself.
Ø “Did you just fall?”
“No I attacked the floor.”
“Backwards?”
“I’m that talented!”
Ø “But mom what if I get kidnapped?”
“Trust me, they’d bring you back.”
Ø That moment where your siting or laying in a certain way are your just all like "draw me like one of your French girls."
Ø Welcome to our ool (notice there’s not ‘p’ in it) LETS KEEP IT THIS WAY!
Ø 5 lies girls tell: 1) I’m fine. 2) I’m not jealous. 3) I’m over him. 4) Sure we can be friends. 5) I’m not mad.
Ø Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters, perfectly harmless, until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire. -Will Ferrell
Ø That awesome moment when your ex’s new bf/gf is much uglier than you.
Ø Face palm and carry on.
Ø I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
Ø Teenager post#4809: everything is funnier when you’re not allowed to laugh.
Ø Remember, you’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Ø Women are like refrigerators: cold on the inside. You always want to put your meat in them. And they belong in the kitchen. (I’m a girl and I still found this funny sorry if I insulted any of you, I really was not trying to.)