HERE YOU GO! AFTER ONE MONTH! THE (NOT) LONG ANTICIPATED NEXT CHAPTER.
Sanya's Diary, May 12th 2021
Fantasy. It's a part of the world we live in. Superheroes and aliens and wizards and mutants and magical beings and literal GODS, for fuck's sake. Still it's a godsend to have an imagination for the human parts of this fantasy world.
Like I'm pretending that I'm still pregnant. That my love for Peter hasn't been completely overshadowed by the raw pain and anger and sadness I feel about my little boy's....I can't even....
And I'm crying again. Which embarrassingly I've done, like, thrice since my....SHIT. I can't.
I'm at my parents' right now, I just wanna be a little girl and not that grieving, broken, pitiful mother I am. I haven't left my room since I came back from the hospital.
5 days ago.
As for the other half of Tommy, I don't know. Maybe at his aunt's right below us or at his dorm in MIT or in his bedroom at the Avengers Facility.... or he might be dead, for all I know and I CAN'T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO CARE ABOUT THAT.
I just feel numb and I'm watching 'The Princess Diaries' and I, too, am thinking how many time I use the word 'I' in one day.
I'm not the only one who lost something. My parents, Aunt May lost a grandchild, my brother a nephew and Peter a son. It must be so difficult for him to lose ANOTHER family member. And a child, at that.
Oh my God, I have to
The rest of the page was too blurred to be read, both by my teardrops then and my teardrops now. It was a miracle I managed to decipher my then-illegible handwriting. It has improved slightly.
Every year on my birthday, I reread my diaries, one for every year. I started this when I was 17 and I, on a whim, read my first diary from when I was 13. It's been a tradition since and when i moved in with Harry last year, I brought all my diaries. I still write them but it's been more infrequent now than ever. It's the only thing I write anymore.
My birthday is exhausting now, I've become one of those people who hate having their birthday celebrated.
With my friends scattered across the globe, my boyfriend being more infuriatingly sweet than ever, Harry under so immense a pressure at work that he hasn't come home in a week, my soulmate boss's and his ugh, girlfriend's PDA filled date nights practically every day and my family's trouble with my brother's school work, there was NO CHANCE for a party today.
WHICH is why I nearly fainted when about 15 people yelled 'SURPRISE' the minute I entered my apartment at about 5 in the evening- Harry, Ron(BWAHAHAHA, HARRY AND RON!!!!) Kira (a friend from a Starbucks I used to work at), BETTY AND NED (WHY am I surprised, I went out with them yesterday), some of my college friends, James, Dean, Mikaela and school friends like Mara, Ashley, Jean, Leo and.....Peter. Along with smug bitch Felicia with her perfect face and perfect body and perfect LBD and perfect name. And Shadab who looked curiously purposeful.
''OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?'' I said as I bent down to pick up my diary which I'd been reading on the elevator ride up.
''I don't know, maybe to celebrate your birthday?'' Betts asks sardonically and I'm overflowed with love and annoyance for her and I rush to hug her, the 5ft 3 shorty.
''MJ was basically crying cuz she couldn't be here.'' She says after we break apart.
''It's weird that she's the most emotional out of us three.'' I say with a 'what can you do' wring of my hands.
''Just because she holds most things in.'' Ned says from behind her and slings one arm round his girlfriend. These two make me believe in true love....among other people. ''Happy 23rd Birthday, crazy breaker.'' He grins as he uses his nickname for me because I had broken every one of his collectibles when we were 12. He'd called me stupid.
''Thanks, Needy.'' I return his wide smile and accept his gift and place it on the table behind us.
''Not anymore, C.B. I have everything I need.''
''OH-'' Peter starts ''Then I guess I won't take you to meet Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill in two weeks.'' He smirks with fun in his perfect brown eyes.
Ned's expression was one to see. ''I said NEED, not want. C'mon-'' He trailed after Peter.
Mikaela, Leo and Mara quickly gave my my gifts and ran after Peter and Ned to see if they could get themselves invited too. Knowing Peter, they would.
''Hey, bitch.'' Ron shuffles over and hands me a stuffed Hippogriff. ''Didn't have time to wrap it.''
''It's okay, Weasel. I LOVE IT!"
''My gift is the car you saw down.'' Harry adds and everyone, including me, goggles at him.
''That Audi R11?'' I squeaked. Maybe this birthday party wouldn't be too bad.
''Yeah.'' He says nonchalantly. I notice the deep dark circle under his eyes and his worry lines.
''Harry, you won't mind if we call this party off a little early, right? I'm kind of beat.''
''Oh.'' I stare at him pointedly and he realises. ''OH! Not at all. It'll be okay.''
Shadab steps forward to wish me and gift me but is interrupted by a ''Hey, lil girl.'' by Peter.
''Same age, Clumsy. Or do I have to call you Mr. Parker here to?'' I retort smoothly. I took off my coat and put it up on the coat rack.
He got flustered, for some reason. ''Um-m-m.. er, I-''
Then Felicia thumped him on the back.
''You were choking on your drool, dear.'' She says silkily in answer to his questioning stare.
Oh. Oh. He got flustered because I took my coat off. Well, it was hot in here. I only wore the thin blue tank top to work because Peter had taken leave that day but MOSTLY because some idiot has the thermostat cranked up totally high. It's January, not Pluto!
I somehow manage not to blush.
''H-here.'' Peter steps forward and hands me a long but small box. ''Open it when you're alone.'' I look at him, confused. ''It's nothing like THAT, if that's what you think.''
Before I could respond, Shadab said (in poor English. I AM a bitch), "May I give you the gift, Sanu, please?"
"Of course, dear.'' I say and quickly put Peter's gift on the table. Peter slinks away to the corner with a miserable expression where Felicia joins him. His expression doesn't change.
''Before I give you this, I have to say I love you.'' I smile fakely.''This one year with you has been too perfect.'' (The wrong answer buzzer rings inside my head) ''You are so sweet and beautiful and intelligent and cute and-'' (this feels so rehearsed) I kept on smiling. ''Just so perfect.'' (That's basically a huge reminder of how I'm NOT perfect) ''And I get more in love with you everyday.''
'It should be fall.' I think.
''So-'' He bends down on one knee and the whole room gasps, I see Peter looking even worse and starting to walk closer and I have to dig my nails into my palms to keep my (sensible) senses from making me bolt. ''Sanya Reza, please do the great honour to me by becoming my wife?"
I look at Peter and the whole world goes blank and I don't see anyone else at all but him- unhappy, sad, broken, exhausted, beautiful, adorable little face and I'm hit with the realisation of how that if it had been Peter Benjamin Parker who'd said that cliché, saccharine sweet speech, I'd have thrown myself on him and wouldn't have hesitated even a nanosecond to say yes.
A little cough from Dean brings me down, back to reality where humans other than Peter and I exist.
I'm faced with the expectantly happy face of Shadab Alam, my boyfriend whom I don't love. I feel the strange urge to pull a Mia Thermopolis and say ''We'll see!'' but I don't.
I then look at Peter, my boss, my soulmate, my best friend, the father of my child, my ex boyfriend, whom I so deeply and truly and never endingly love.
And then back to Shadu.
''I-'' I begin.