So remember that chapter I told you to prepare yourselves for?? Well that was just a practice run. A test. A trial. Whatever you want to call it. This is the real stuff now.
Stuff just got serious.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
(aka, don't die of a heartattack)
7/20/14
12:13 p.m.
I was scrolling through my phone messages to West. The screen lite up my dark room. Frankie lay asleep next to me, her body slowly moving up and down in a rythmatic motion telling me she was fast asleep. I had been up for nearly a week now, with the occasional 4 hours of sleep each night, if I was lucky.
The last time I heard from West was when I was with Bennet, and that seemed like a lifetime ago. I had called him several times, left many message, and texted about a jillion more times.
Are you okay??
I'm worried.
I don't want to be the crazy girlfriend here, but WTF!!!
All were ignored.
One time, about two years after Carter disappeared, my parents went through this "giving-up" phase. Mom wanted to stop posting his picture in the newpaper, Dad thought it would be best if the "Have You Seen Me" articles stop sending in his updated pictures of what Carter would look like if he were still around.
Dr. Jones went on a rampage with that one. She said that giving up wasn't an option, like she had a choice as to what our options were. She told us this story about this girl who was in her twenties. The girl saw a picture of herself in a newspaper and when she did more research she found out that her parents weren't her parents, which ended up being a good thing because her father was a Coo-Coo. She reunited with her real family and the rest is history...
So we never stopped paying the newpaper to print his pictures and we updated the "Have You Seen Me" articles every year. Nothing has come from it, but that story always stuck with me. This girl had been missing for YEARS and boom! Just like that she was home again. Could happen to Carter right?
Anyway, I was thinking about that tonight, which is why I pulled out my phone and texted West AGAIN, because maybe this time he would respond. I wasn't giving up, which Dr. Jones would be proud of me for, right?
My screen lite up a few minutes later and I fumbled with it excitedly. It wasn't West though.
Come outside- Ben
I sat up, looking over at Frankie just to make sure she was really asleep. I crawled out of bed and caught a sight of Bennet standing on my front law anxiously wiping his hands on his jeans like he always does. I slipped on some flip flops and tip-toed down stairs.
"Ben!" I whispered, carefully closing the door behind me.
"Oh good." He whispered back. "I was worried you might be sleeping."
I walked over to him. The air was perfect. Not to hot, not to cold. "What's wrong?"
"One time, when West and I were like 14, we stole his father's car."
"What?" I wasn't sure if I was saying that like I was stocked or like I wanted to know why he was telling me this at 1 a.m. in the morning.
"We stole the car and we just drove. We drove and drove and drove until we came to this stupid Carnival thing." He looked down at me, like I was suppose to know what he meant. I didn't reply, so he continued. "At the time, it was just a wild adventure, but now that I think about it..."
"What?"
"When we were there he said something. He said that one day, when things got real bad, he was going to go back there because it was the only place that didn't need an explination. It was the only place that didn't ask questions."
"You think he is there??"
"Yeah. I mean, I don't know, but where else?" I shrugged in agreement. "Let's go." He stated, pulling out his car keys.
"What?"
"I'll go by myself if you want. I just thought I'd give you the option, you know." He didn't say it rudely, because Bennet never sounds rude.
"No, no. I'm coming. Are we going now?" He shrugged. "Let's go." I said, walking towards the car in my pajamas and frizzy hair.
"For real right now?" He asked, almost smiling.
"Yes, come on, he could have changed his name and become a clown by now. We have to hurry." He laughed, but walked towards the car.
"Just when I think you're more like me I realize you're exactly like West."
"Maybe I'm the best of both worlds." I stated, slipping into the passanger side and closing the door.
An hour later Bennet and I are on the freeway driving in the black of night. Angus and Julia Stone play in the background while I gaze out the window at the stars and Bennet occasionally looks over at me to make sure I'm alive. "How far away is this place?" I ask.
"I don't know. I remember how to get there, but when you're 14, with your best friend, driving a stolen car, with no liscence, time is nothing but passing moments with no number."
"Sounds very poetic."
"Trust me, there is nothing poetic about stealing a car."
"Did you guys get arrested?"
"Hardly," He scoffles. "At 6 o'clock we drove back and his father never even noticed it was gone. Arrested would have been a better story though."
"I got West out of being arrest once."
"I know." He said with a smile.
"How do you know?" I raised an eyebrow, because I certainly didn't tell him.
He paused, much to long for his answer to be true. "West... He told me."
"Oh." He was lying.
Another two hours passed and I was beginning to think that Bennet had lost his rockers when I saw the lights of a fairs-wheel in the distances. It was definitely some kind of carnival. There was no city, or even town, around it, making it seem deserted and somewhat horror-movie-ish.
Bennet parked and I gave him a questioning eye, because maybe this was going to be the day that I died. He gave me an uneasy smile. He obviously felt it too.
We exited the car and walked up to the vending stand. I saw a few people inside, mostly couples, walking around, trying to find whatever rides were open this early in the morning. Ben came to a stop in front of the booth, which had a grumpy old lady inside who was chewing on a toothpick.
"Two please." He asked, pulling out his wallet. I saw a creepy janitor walk by and eye me up and down, so I took a step towards Bennet, grabbing onto his arm just in case. He looked down at me, his eyes reassuring.
"Twenty dollars." The lady said with an extremely strong rasp in her voice. Ben paid and then we scurried into the park area.
"Where would he be?" I asked, my hand still locked onto his arm.
"Fun house, definitely."
As we walked I came to a realization. I wasn't sure why I hadn't come to it before.
Frankie and I had grown up together. When Carter was around we went through this faze where we hardly acknowledge the other. It wasn't because we hated each other, we just ignored the others existence. After Carter went missing it was suddenly like all that time we ignored each other was gone. We became like best friends. She was my favorite person in the world, and I'm pretty sure that I'm hers too.
I looked up at Bennet as we walked. He didn't notice. He was set on finding West. The whole ride over here, I thought it had just been for me. But I realized that he wasn't looking for West because I wanted him to; he was looking for West because West was his Frankie. Without West, life wouldn't have been worth living.
Then I realized something else.
I was Carter in this relationship.
For months West and Ben had gone through that ignoring stage Frankie and I went through when Carter was around. They weren't necessarly mean to each other, but they certainly avoided one another like the plague. I hadn't really given it much thought at the time, but right then I realized it was me. I was the thing keeping them from each other... And I hated myself for that.
"There he is." Bennet whispered, coming to a stop. I followed his gaze to a almost crippling West. He laid in the Love Shack, which was shaking back and forth. He didn't look dirty, per say, but he wasn't exactly the West that I was use to seeing. He looked a little scruffy in the face, and his hair was flipped in all kinds of directions.
I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there and looked at him.
Bennet pulled away from me and walked over to him. "West!" He yelled, walking up the three steps and gently kicking him with his shoe. West moved a little. "West! Get up, we're going home."
"What the hell are you doing here?" West stood up, looking at Bennet. "Go the hell away you dickface!"
"Just go and get in my car."
"Piss off." He waved his hand around.
"West!" Bennet grabbed onto the shirt and pulled him to his feet. "Get the hell up! I'm not joking here!" He shoved West a little and he stumbled down the steps, catching himself, and locking eyes with me.
"Oh good. You brought her." The way he said it... It was like I was nothing to him. He looked at me as if I was open air.
"Just keep going." Bennet shoved his shoulder again, but West jerked back, facing Bennet like they were in the Fight Club or something.
"Look at you. Prince Charming." He huffed. "Of course she went to you. Who else right?" He looked at me.
"Who was I suppose to call West? You dropped off the planet."
He gave me a tight smile. "You want to know something Avery?"
"No!"
"My father was diagonsed with bi-polar when I was seven. That's when my mother left, ya know, because she couldn't "deal with it"." He laughed. "She couldn't "deal with it" so she left me to "deal with it". Guess what Avery! Guess what..." He didn't give me time to reply. "I have it too."
The silence that came between the three of us was enough to make a sane man die.
"Thanks daddy." He laughed again, and then I could see the pain in his eyes. "I... I can't give you what you deserve Avery." He choked. "Sometimes I feel like I just want to..." He gritted his teeth. "So I leave. I have to leave. I have to get away from everything because if I don't then I'll turn into him. That's why I disappear. That's why I can't hold down a job. That's why I'm failing school. And that's why we can't be together."
"What?" It came out almost as a whisper.
"Oh don't look at me like that." A tear came down his cheek. "Don't act like you aren't relived. Don't you dare." I started to speak but- "You know it was always Ben. You know that. Maybe that's why I was a terrible friend. Maybe because I knew that you two had something is the reason I had to love you, while I still could. Maybe I just needed to love you, just to know what it felt like. Maybe that's why I read your journal."
I swallowed. "You what?" I felt selfish asking that question, but it was the only thing that came out.
"Yeah." He said softly. "I read it. Just once. And I knew I loved you then."
"You... you... how..."
"How..." He huffed. "Prince Charming Bennet over here told me."
I'm Avery Clark..........
* * * * *
Avery's teary eyes moved passed West and looked over at me. My heart was beating so fast I could barely stand. Her gaze was like a knife, twisting into my stomach. I swallowed.
"Avery... I..."
"You read it?!" She bursted into tears, the kind that you try to hold but come out all at once. She covered her mouth like she was ashamed that I saw.
"I'm sorry!" I stepped past West, grabbing on her arms. She jerked away, stepping further from me. "Avery I swear I didn't mean.... I didn't mean to hurt you."
"You read it. You read it. How many times Ben?"
I felt myself go numb. She always called me Bennet. Always. "I... I don't know."
"One time! Two times? TEN TIMES! God damn it, what do you mean you don't know?!"
"I read it a lot, Avery." I said meekly, looking down at the ground.
"That's how you knew things I didn't tell you." She stopped for a second. "I never told you about Carter. You just knew. How was I so stupid?" She rubbed her forehead. "All those times we met at the park..." She looked at me. "You... you had read it?" I nodded. "How... how could you do that? That was private! Those were my thoughts, my feelings. That was mine and mine alone!"
"I know. I tried to stop. I did, but..."
"But what Ben? What? You thought it was funny? You thought that it was cool to read a girl'd diary?"
"I thought you were amazing!" She just looked at me, like she wanted more. I soften my tone. "I thought that if I couldn't be with you, than that was the closest I could get." She just shook her head and tried to hold back from crying. Her hair covered her face as she buried herself in her hands. I wanted to touch her, but that would only make her feel worse.
"Truth is Avery." West came up behind me, resting his hand on my shoulder like we were on the same side just because Avery was against both of us. This war went threeways buddy. "Neither of us deserves you. Love changes a lot of things, but sometimes not for the better."
She looked back and forth between the two of us, then she blue eyes rested on me, like she wanted to know what I thought. I licked me lips.
"He's right." I said. "Neither of us deserves you. I don't deserve you."