2 9
trial & error
—
A RUDE AWAKENING.
That was what I got when I woke up the next morning. As soon as I got home from quitting my job, I made sure Louisa was safe and sound — in all of my preoccupation the night of the party, forgot to take her with me when I left, but she thankfully called a cab — and I left Caleb some candy and an apologetic note in front of his door. After that, I had collapsed into a deep sleep in my living room with the television on, a strange romantic comedy movie playing softly in the background.
When I did wake up, I realized two things that made uneasiness settle in the pit of my stomach: it was night time and not the morning, and Kevin and Delaney were back and they had serious looks on their faces that I wasn't ready to deal with.
That was because they had found out everything that happened in the week while they were gone from Louisa who had a rather uninformed perspective of my personal story. In her words, I had brought some strange but handsome man over and slept with him (completely true, but not in the way she had explained it to them), took her to work with me (which was said in an almost accusatory way, as if I had made her help me with my work), broke Caleb's heart at a work party (he totally didn't think of me in that way, therefore no heart was broken but the heart of the Marilyn from a month ago who would've thrown herself on a sword because Caleb wasn't into her), and other reckless shenanigans that she seemed to have filled in the blanks for because I definitely hadn't.
Thankfully, despite how wise and brilliant teenagers were, Laney and Kevin understood that my side of the story was definitely the most true one. Or they were just ready to forgive me for whatever sins they were assuming I had committed because they missed me and had so much to tell me.
And very easily, I found out it was the latter option. They quickly roused me from whatever hold my sleepiness still had over me so I could be force-fed every detail from their New Jersey trip that I could possibly handle.
"Oh, we had the best time on Morey's Piers, walking hand in hand with each other and breathing in the summer air," Laney said as if she was fighting to hold that in.
"Marilyn, you should've seen the Cape May Lighthouse!" Kevin told me, his excitement beyond level ten and I really would've appreciated it if he could tone it down.
"Oh, and we got engaged too," she threw out their, trying to seem all cool and collected. She was one of my best and closest friends, I knew easily how much she was fighting against lifting up me up on my so we could grab each other's hands and squeal with excitement as we bounce around in a circle. Kevin used to think that was so annoying when we did it over things like getting a promotion or what new type of trendy ethnic food restaurant opened up across the street. But this was their engagement for Christ's sake, he could be a little annoyed now since they're going to annoy the hell out of each other once they're married.
So we did it, jumping and screaming over the good news, Kevin with his hands covering his ears in pain. And everything felt good in the world, even when it wasn't.
—
TEDDY HAD NOTICED.
As ignorant as he was about how I felt towards breaking up the Gates family, he could at least tell when a girl was sad which I guess was something. Over the past few days, I went to work at Burke & Associates as what I could call a glorified intern. I sat in counsel meetings with Teddy and his clients (who happened to be the ones connected to the Gates lawsuit that was set to be filed) for about five hours a day as I took notes for him, and in the afternoon, Teddy tried to teach me more about the legal system and grooming me for the day when I could go back to school and then join him at the firm as a junior partner.
After a particularly grueling session with an ex-employee of the Gates Corporation, I had expected for Teddy to pull out the law textbook from the drawer in his desk, but instead he pulled me into a kiss. The kiss was soft, the only force involved being the initiation until my hands found themselves cupping his face and leaning in. He seemed to be as taken aback as I was when he pulled away, his eyes glazed over with surprise.
"Well, good afternoon to you too," I said with a grin. "What was that all about?"
"You," he said simply. "I feel like there's something wrong with you, Marilyn."
"Wow, okay, you sure know how to flatter a girl," I retorted sarcastically and rolled my eyes at him.
"No, I mean you're feeling off about something," he said. "It's this whole case thing isn't it? You're nervous about the potential blowback if they found out you helped me implicate George. Is that right?"
In a sense, he was right, but I was a lot less concerned for myself than I was for their family. I had friends who would be there for me, but I no longer had a family and it was too much for me to see them risk losing that too. But there was no way for Teddy to understand that, he had everything. His family was the greatest especially now that he and his ex-wife had found peace with each other. But he was my boyfriend now, I really wanted him to know where I was coming from, I wanted him to know the real me.
I shot him a soft smile. "Teddy, do you want to go for a drive?"
—
"I HATE BOSTON."
That was Teddy who muttered that under his breath as we rolled through the streets of my hometown, his car breezing down lanes now that were had finally escaped the madness that usually came with traffic here. He had no right to talk as a native New Yorker, but traffic was traffic as long as you were in a big city, and everyone could agree that it was awful.
Riding in the car with Teddy for the four hour drive it took to get here wasn't as awful as it sounded. I had efficient battery percentage on my phone to finish a season of my favorite comedy show while Teddy was clearly entertained by tapping his fingers against the steering wheel and reading out loud every interesting sign he saw on the highway like a little kid. It was cute and while we weren't much for conversation, I liked just having him around me, having him here to help me as a piece of my new home now that I was stepping dangerously into my old one, having him here as a lover, and having him here as a friend.
Of course, this was not the best official first date I had in mind for us — with my exes, there was usually some good food involved and we weren't meeting my parents right away — but I guess things were different with Teddy and I. Those other relationships didn't last, different was a good thing.
"So do I, just way too many bad memories," I said with a chuckle, pausing my show and unplugging my earbuds from my phone. "But I grew up here, so it's kind of special to me. What do you have against it?"
"The damn Red Sox," he said as if it were just as serious as my reason. "Even if I lived here, I would still be Yankees all the way."
I nodded and we fell into comfortable silence. I thought it would go on forever until he broke the chain by asking, "What are we doing here again?"
"We're meeting my parents," I said. "They're waiting for us at Mount Hope. I have the directions in on your phone."
Teddy glanced down at his phone that was resting in the cup holder between us, his features slowly shifting into a frown. "Doesn't sound like the most fun place to meet your daughter's boyfriend for the first time. Are you sure they'll like me? They seem like great people, but I'm not getting a good impression from this."
"Oh, don't worry," I said, running a hand through my hair and pushing it out of my face. "There is no way they'll say anything bad about you, Teddy. In fact, I bet they'll be speechless."
The GPS, which had been silent for the past few minutes since we had started talking, told us to take a right and then we saw it.
Mount Hope Cemetery.
"Oh," Teddy said. And what an appropriate response it was. I could see in his face all of the things that had confused him clicking into place, and I could only hope that the most important part had settled in there too.
—
HE WAS SILENT.
The first time around, I enjoyed the silence, but now we were on our way back to New York City, back to our everyday hustle and bustle but not back to our same old selves. It felt almost wrong, even, that he hadn't said anything. But then again, I could tell he had no idea what to say. I was the one who had to bridge the gap this time.
"It's weird," I started, "that they've only died a few years ago and part of me is just used to it already. Like I've just accepted it as another horrible part of my horrible life."
"I guess that makes sense," he said back in response. "I've seen all types of cases. People all grieve in their own special ways, y'know?"
"Yeah, you're right."
When we made it to the cemetery, Teddy freaked out a bit because he assumed that Mount Hope was the name of a church — it most likely was, but it wasn't Sunday and it was five in the evening so there was no reason we would be going to church at such an eventful time anyway — but then he calmed down and we got serious. I purchased from fresh flowers that I could lay on their graves and told him the story of the car accident they had gotten into a few years ago that took the two of them away from me.
And all that time, I hadn't cried, but the waterworks seemed to have started to flow now that we were heading back home. That I was going home without them. I tried my best to be silent about it until I could wipe them away, but then I sniffed loudly against my control and Teddy turned in my direction and noticed.
"Hey, Marilyn, what's wrong?" he asked, seeing the tears run down my face. While Teddy allowed himself to be vulnerable around me, I realized just now how little I did the same for him. Even at the art show, when we were talking about my ex-boyfriend's statue, I was angry and guarded. This right here was me and my feelings, purely expressed.
"I just feel awful," I said, my tears turning gradually into sobs and now it was coming on too strong, but it was too late for me to back out now. "I know by helping you with the Gates case, I'm bringing about the greater good to this world, but I don't like it. Their family shouldn't have to be sacrificed for justice, at least not in a perfect world.
"I used to hate working for their family when I first had gotten the job, but at some point, I started to feel like I was part of the family since my parents died and I have no family of my own. And now I'm going to tear their family apart when I'm the first one who should be trying to keep them together.
"I know it's not your fault, Teddy, because you're obligated to work for your clients and ensure that they get justice if they deserve it. I'm just upset because I made a choice and now I'm going to have to live with it."
I had ran out of things to say, just sniffling in silence as his car glided over the asphalt and I wondered if he thought I blamed him, even if I said I hadn't. He had gotten me into this whole dilemma in the first place. But his hand reached out to grab mine in his, shooting me a quick smile before focusing back on the road.
"Marilyn, we're family now, you know that right?" Teddy asked, squeezing my hand a bit tighter. "In fact, you have plenty of family. Me, Theo, my mom, Violet, Louisa, Delaney, her boyfriend whose name I'm completely blanking on —"
"Kevin, and he's her fiancé," I corrected.
"— you have family all around you in the people who care about you and want to see you as your best self," he finished. "And it sure does suck to lose what feels like family, but they'll never leave you in your heart. I'll never leave you."
His grip on my hand tightened as the evening sky peeled into night above us, but I was glad to say Teddy was the light of my life.