My chemical romance I'm not okay
I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay! (Trust me)
//mentions of suicide and self harm//
I threw up twice in the bucket and once in the toilet while my parents where at work. My dad said he would stay home to take care of me if I wanted but I told him to go to work. I didn't want to to bother anyone else with my mistakes. The reason I'm ill is because of me wanting attention from my boyfriend when he was sick, I should have just left him alone. He was sick he didn't need me being needy. I'm stupid and needy.
The first two times I was sick was just because of my illness but the third time was completely my fault. I thought I was feeling better so I decided to have a fag. I opened my window, sat on the ledge with my feet dangling out and blowing smoke out my mouth. After I was done and I went to get back into bed I was sick once more. I'm blaming the cigarette and I'm blaming me.
Everything's my fault. The way I'm feeling is my fault. Being sick is my fault. Everything is always my fault. It's always me. My parents are sick of me. My friends must be sick of me. If Jack's not sick of me right now then he will be soon. I'm sick of me. I don't want to be me. I hate myself. I'm awful. It would be easier if I kill myself so nobody has to deal with me anymore, sure they might be sad for a bit but they will get over it. They would live their normal life with time. I would become nothing but a memory before my memory fades. Everyone would be happier, I would be gone. It would be better if I just killed myself. If I slit my own wrists and bled out, if I hung myself, if I took too many pills. I should just do it. I deserve it.
I walked over to my desk and took out the razor blade I kept in in a cup before walking back to my bed sitting with my back to the door and pressing the blade to my forearm leaving one cut. It wasn't deep enough to kill me, not nowhere near. It was deep enough to make me feel just a little better. I then gave myself another. Then another. I have three more beautiful cuts over the fading scars.
I didn't notice the time or that anyone was in my house. I didn't notice my door opening until I felt a tap on my shoulder causing me to drop the blade.
"Alex?" It was Zack, he must have used his key, I turn around and he had a scarf wrapped around his face, probably so he doesn't get sick, "Jack wanted me to check up on you since he can't."
"I'm fine." I'm not fine, I know that, Zack knows that, I'm pretending he couldn't see the blade on my red or the blood on my wrists but he could, he may not have mentioned it yet but it was right their for him to see.
"I'm going to tell Jack." He said, Zack can't tell Jack because Jack would get worried and come over even though he's still sick.
"Don't tell Jack." I blurt out, "Can you stay here instead. I don't want to worry Jack."
"Okay."
"You don't have to." I add, "I don't want to you get sick."
"It's okay Alex." Zack picked the blade up off my bed, "Where are the others?"
"What?"
"The other blades." Zack said, "I'm going to flush them."
"In the black mug on my desk." I choke out not realising I was crying, Zack must be sick of this.
"Is that all of them?" He asked and I nodded, "Don't lie I'm trying to help."
"It's all that I know of." I say, "Their might be more but I don't know where they are."
"Okay." Zack seem satisfied, "I'm going to flush these."
"Okay."
I watch Zack leave the room with all six of my blades in that cup. I listened to his footsteps and then I listened to the toilet flush. When Zack came back in my room he was holding a wad of tissue.
"Hold these to your arm." Zack gave me the tissue and I did what he said letting the blood soak up, "So do you want to talk about this?"
"No."
"Let me rephrase." Zack said, "We are going to talk about this tonight. Do you want to talk about it before I call Jack and tell him what happened or after?"
"Don't call Jack." I sniff, "I'll talk about it in a minute."
"Do you want anything before you talk?"
"Just some water." Zack goes down stairs to get me a glass but I stay sitting on my bed unmoving, what am I going to tell Zack?
Am I going to tell him how shit I've been feeling? How everyone would be better off if I just hurried up and killed myself. We all know it's going to happen sooner or later. If I do it sooner everyone would get over it sooner. Everyone would be happy sooner. I would be gone sooner. Tell him how everyone's sick of me, sick of me not getting better. Sick of me not wanting to get better. I'm just a fuck up.
"So talk to me." Zack hands me the water and I take a sip.
"I just hate my life and would be better off dead." I explain, "I'll stop being so needy and pathetic if I'm six feet under."
"Alex..."
"I'm not done." I interrupt, "You guys are sick of me and are probably only my friend because you're scared of me. Everyone's scared of me. Now I know about you and Rian you're probably too scared to cut of the friendship incase I tell everyone when you don't want people to know."
"No we don't want people to know yet but Alex we genuinely like you." Zack said, "Sure you're a asshole sometimes but you are fun to be around and have a kind heart."
"Bullshit." I laugh, "It's fine if you don't want to associate with me anymore I wouldn't do anything. I don't blame you."
"Shut up Alex." Zack moved to sit next to me, "I'm not scared of you Alex because I know you and you're one of my best friends. I don't know what I would do without you and Rian and now Jack."
"I just feel worthless." I wipe tears from down my face, "And Jack probably hates me because of how annoying and clingy I am."
"If he hated you would he call me asking me to check on you because you haven't responded to any of his messages all day?" Zack asked, "If he thought you was annoying would he blow up the group chat trying to get your attention to talk to you?"
"I guess not." I mutter.
"He loves you Alex and you know that so stop letting these toxic thoughts cloud that." Zack managed to talk some sense into me, "Are you feeling better now."
"A bit." I nod, "Please don't tell Jack about this I don't want him to worry about me any more than he already does."
"Okay but you really need to get help for how you're feeling." Zack was right, Zack's right a lot, he's always able to see the logical side of everything and think with a clear head, "You don't deserve to feel shitty all the time."
"I know..." I pause for a second, "I'm going therapy. I was meant to go this week but Jack was sick and I refuse to go without him."
"That's really good Alex." Zack smiled at me, "I'm so happy for you trying to get better."
"I don't want to get better." I admit, "I'm only doing it because I would be hospitalised if I didn't."
"Oh Alex."
"I'm sorry but it's true." I shrug, "I don't deserve to get better because I bought this upon myself."
"Hopefully therapy helps you see how much you actually deserve."
Authors note
Update: I forgot to add the trigger warnings so I just put them in.
I was so scared that I wasn't going to finish this chapter in time. Hopefully I finish Tuesdays because I'm busy tomorrow.
Do you think therapy would help Alex? Will Zack tell Jack about Alex's breakdown?
Hugs, kisses and peace ✌🏻