"Yasmin?"
I look up at Kelly, then at everyone else in the therapy group. Did she ask me something? I've been too deep in my thoughts to hear anything. "Huh?"
"It's your turn to tell us how is how this month has been for you." Great. I forgot about this thing we do at the end of every month.
"Well, someone tried to kill me, but my uncle, who I thought was innocent is actually a gangbanger like my Dad was, saved me and killed the guy instead. Who's next?" I smile.
They all give me blank looks and Morgan's chewing on her gum slows down. Eventually Kelly laughs as if i'm joking.
"This is serious, Yasmin. I know it can be hard to share but you may feel relieved when you do," she says and waits for me again.
Well then.
"She's not the kind of person to tell people how she feels. You know, she's like one of those annoying people who smile and say everything's fine even though someone just died and you just want to scream at them to shut up and be a damn normal human. Kind of a waste of time her being here," Drake blurts out.
"Thanks so much."
"No offence," he adds. "It just frustrates me. Life ain't about lying and pretending you're the happiest person in the world when you're not. If someone asks you if something hurt you, frickin' tell them it did."
"It's getting annoying that you think you know me."
"But am I wrong?"
I don't answer. Sometimes if something bothers me then I will make sure the whole world knows all about it, then other times I don't have the energy to talk about it, because whining to someone about your problems doesn't seem like it would do anything but make them think you're over dramatic.
"What you said is very true," Kelly comments. "I mean about opening up to people. Holding it in only makes things worse when you finally let it out."
Drake continues to stare at me as if he's reading into my mind to get more information.
"Would anyone like to share how many days this month that they drank alcohol?"
Elliot's lips start moving as if he's counting the days in his head. "Six."
Kelly nods and looks at Morgan. "Three," she responds and Kelly smiles like a proud mother.
"Yasmin?"
I'm hesitant to answer, intimidated by Drake's stare. He doesn't know that after what happened when we were together I decided to stop drinking. He probably thinks i'm a crazy alcoholic.
"One day."
"Wow, well done," she beams and I almost feel proud of myself. Kyle says that he did four days then we all look at Drake.
"Nineteen."
Nineteen.
Even I think that's bad.
Kelly sighs. "Remember the goal we set last month? Ten. Do you think you'll cut it down for next month?"
"Sure."
She shakes her head, not believing him. I look at Drake in a new way. He must be really struggling to cope.
After the session I rush outside, hoping Alex is here, but the only car in the lot is a rough looking navy blue one with tinted windows and countless dents. It's even parked the wrong way round and taking up three spaces.
I pull out my phone and ask Alex if he forgot to come get me, and tell him I can just get the bus to school but straight away he tells me that he's almost here.
The shady car starts moving, turning in my direction. I stupidly get nervous, but I can't help it due to past events. I'm just being paranoid.
The rest of the group comes out of the door and Drake stands at my side with a weird look on his face. Straight away the car drives off.
"What made you stop?"
"Stuff," I reply, assuming he's referring to alcohol. My eyes stay on the car until it's out of sight and my racing heart starts to slow. I cannot become a nervous wreck every time a car comes in my direction.
"You're beginning to concern me, Yasmin Fuentes." He waves a hand in front of my face. "You almost have me believing that little joke you made wasn't really a joke."
"Now, isn't that silly of you." Alex's car pulls into the parking lot and I look at Drake. "You should go; he doesn't like you."
"Who?"
"My brother."
"Don't know him."
"But he knows about you."
"Ohh," he smirks. "You mean about how you peer pressured me into drinking with you and you took it too far and passed out on me and I got the blame."
"Whatever way you wanna put." I shove him and he starts walking, calling bye. Alex's car stops in front of me and I get in, waiting for him to ask about Drake.
"Is that the dude who got you drunk?"
Of course Alex fails to even remember his name. "He didn't get me drunk," I laugh. "Alcohol did."
+++
"Ahh, home is where the heart is," I sigh when I walk in the door. Today was the longest day ever.
"My theory is that they're secretly dating," Wes says and I look in the direction he's looking – the living room. Valentino is sat with his face in Montana's neck, looking as if he's kissing it.
Holy crap is it happening? Are the cutest friends ever finally gonna date?
"Are we interrupting something?" I ask, not caring if i'm interrupting and sit down on the other couch.
Val pulls away. "I got a new perfume and he was smelling it," Montana explains and my face falls from disappointment.
"She wears lots of perfume around me cause she wants my attention," he smirks.
"Wrong, I want the attention of the guy i'm meeting after this," she winks and Val, being a weirdo, pokes her eyebrow.
"You guys work out your issues?" He asks Wes and I.
"Yes," Wes answers when I just look down, reminded of Jace.
"I thought we didn't associate with him anymore?" Montana says to Val.
"It's hard for me to be mean, even to dickheads."
"Dickhead? You're just mad at me because it distracts you from being mad at yourself," Wes says and Montana narrows her eyes.
"Dr. Dickhead," Val mumbles. "That's your psychologist name."
"Will you guys just get over it? Carlos was gonna find out at one point. Don't be mad at Wes." I put my arms around one of his arms and rest my head on his shoulder. Some would say it's clingy, I call it affectionate.
"Whatever, it's just embarrassing walking around with someone who has a huge bruise on his cheek," Montana says and screws up her face when she looks at him.
"I could cover it with makeup," I suggest.
"It's a bruise, not a damn hickey. You think I'ma let you stab it with your makeup spongey thingy?" Val looks at her who's staring at him and he wiggles his eyebrows. I try to hold back my smile.
Montana's legs are in a basket shape, one leg resting on top of Val's. They're always touching in some way, which is ironic considering there is nothing Val hates more than physical contact.
Everyone knows that they don't have feelings for each other, they just need to be connected for comfort. It's a weird feeling. I've felt it with Jace, I wish people could see that we're just that type of friends without everyone jumping down our throats when they see it. Guess it's over now anyway.
+++
Does your heart ever start racing when you hear the sound of eyeshadow palettes clicking shut coming from your parents room, and you start to fear that they have done something as horrendous as take your makeup?
That's where I am, walking backwards towards Mom's room. I don't know what it is about Moms that makes them think it's okay to stab the brush into the eyeshadow and make the fallout go into all the other colours.
Mom looks stressed as she's looking through her makeup bags while at the same time trying to do something with her hair.
"Going somewhere?" I ask, eyeing up her fancy black dress suspiciously.
"Yes, I'm going out with a friend, but he'll be here in a minute and i'm late."
"Wait a minute, he? Is this really just a friend?" Is she going on a date? I thought her and Dad were still together. Why would she be dating so soon anyway?
"Yes, he is a friend, at least for now," she sighs. "Could you do my makeup por favor? I love the way you do yours."
I nod and go into my room, grabbing my favourite eyeshadow palette and brushes and come back in and start working on her lids.
"How long have you two been friends for?"
"Quite a while."
"Are you nervous?"
"Well, un poco."
I'm silent for a few minutes before I ask, "Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce?"
"No lo sé."
"He's not a bad person. He's still the same."
"He has done a lot of bad things and caused a lot of trouble for this family. I'm not having this conversation."
A loud bang comes from the other room, followed by Valentino screaming "I fell!"
Mom and I don't even react.
Once her makeups done, I begin to style her hair when the doorbell rings.
"Hurry, Yasmin!"
"I'm goin' as fast as I can. Better hope he doesn't meet any of the guys."
"Well-"
"What the hell are you doing here?" Val says from downstairs. I raise my eyebrows, curious. Who? Who who who? Basically running out the room, I go downstairs.
"Fuck me, I thought you were the cops," Val puts his hand on his heart. I get to the bottom of the stairs and manage to see who's outside... and it is the last person I expected to see.
Principal Harris.
Tell me my mother isn't going on a date with our Principal.
And tell me Valentino isn't swaying with huge pupils making Mom look like she allows him to do drugs here in front of Harris.
"Are you..." Harris questions.
"He's hyper, just not thinking straight," I say quickly.
"What are you doing here?" He asks Harris again.
"Dude, I swear there's a fish in your toilet-" Montana stops in her tracks. "What's Harris doing here?"
Kill me now.
"Mom will be right down," I say to Harris with a huge fake smile and he just stares at two of his students in shock. I hope they get freaking sent to therapy.
"You're goin' on a date with Momma Fuentes?" Montana basically shouts.
"Who?" Max yells from upstairs.
"Harris!" Val yells back.
"What?"
"Harris!" He screams louder, making Harris and I both flinch.
"Jarris?"
"HARRIS! PRINCIPAL FUCKING HARRIS YOU DEAF TWAT!"
I can't cope.
"Valentino!" Mom yells, coming down the stairs. She looks and Harris and smiles, then back at Val. "I'll deal with you later."
"Nice to see you three," Harris says before Mom walks out and closes the door.
I slap Val's arm, being just nice enough to do it to his uninjured one. "I can't believe you just did that."
"Is Mom goin' on a date with fuckin' Harris?"
"She said it's not a date."
"It's definitely a date," Montana says. "He was wearing a tux. Kinda looked hot too."
"For fuck sake," Val cringes. "I'll never look at him the same ever again."
"Neither will I," she smirks. "Except, soon you'll be calling him Daddy, not me."
"Shut up," Val and I both say at the same time. He'll never be our Dad. We only have one Dad and he's in prison.
"Mom isn't dating, and when Dad gets out, she'll get back together with him and everything will be fine," I state.
"You think she's gonna wait around for him for ten years?" Ray says while coming down the stairs. "Mom won't forgive him for leaving us."
"Stop it, Ray. You don't know what you're talking about."
He shrugs and walks straight out the front door. I end up sitting with Valentino and Montana for a few hours watching cartoons while they laugh their heads off.
All I can manage to think about is Mom out with Harris. I wonder if she's laughing at his jokes. I wonder if Harris makes jokes. Does he have a sense of humour?
Alex and Amelia burst in through the front door, laughing. I'm sitting comfortably on the couch but I almost go flying off of it when I see Jace behind them, also laughing.
Why does it annoy me that he's happy?
That's a really selfish thing to think, but I just thought he'd miss me more.
"Ah," Montana flinches when she looks at Val's face. "I thought that was chocolate on your face." She pokes where his bruise is and then puts her finger in her mouth, just making sure it's not.
"That hurt," he touches his face.
"No it didn't."
"It would have if I could feel my face."
"Hola, sixteen year olds," Alex says, reminding them of their age like he does every time they're high even thought he did it at that age too. Alex and Amelia sit beside me and Jace sits on the other couch. He sets a crate of beer down in front of them and I tense.
Amelia says hi to me and I smile. She looks a little drunk, they all do. Why did they need to come here and flaunt their drunkness in my face? Jace of all people knows how hard it is for me.
I'd do anything to have just one beer. Even though they taste shitty, there is just something so good and refreshing about taking that first drink from a beer. It physically hurts to watch them drink.
Alex and Amelia start making out right beside me, and when I look up at Jace he's watching me, arrogance filling his expression. What, does he like watching me suffer?
"Want one?" He actually says.
"Think I'll stick to water." I stand up and go to the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of water.
I stare at the wet sink for a minute, trying to work out in my mind why Jace is here when I told him I don't wanna be his friend. I get he's Alex's friend, but after the excuse I gave him, I'd of thought he wouldn't come and sit in front of me and speak to me. Can't he respect that being around him hurts me, even if it wasn't the truth?
No, because he's Jace, and Jace is a jerk. He doesn't care what people think and that's how he'll always be. Whatever. Not my problem anymore.
I look up to the window and put the glass to my lips, but it drops the ground and smashes into a thousand pieces when I see someone standing in front of the window. A man. The man.
I remember his face. The unshaven skin and a thin layer of hair on his head, even the scar in his eyebrow. I scatter back from the window, just when someone comes in the kitchen and it's no surprise that it's Jace.
He looks at me weird. "What?"
My wide eyes look back at the window, only to find there's no one outside. "I...I thought I saw something." Did I imagine that? Or is he alive?
"You're so dramatic," he says, leaning against the counter.
"You're so annoying."
"You're sexy."
"You're intoxicated." I grab a shovel and get down on my hands and knees, shovelling up the smashed glass. Jace stands and watches.
"Am I not allowed to call you sexy? Is that part of the rules of not being friends?"
"It is."
"I don't think so, cause let's say I see a girl i'm not friends with and she's looking sexy, I'll say what I think. If you were still my friend, I'd keep that thought to myself to avoid uncomfortableness. That's just me," he shrugs and drinks.
I furrow my eyebrows and stand up and put the glass into the trash. Ray comes in, having just got back from wherever he was.
"What happened?" He asks while I start mopping the water.
"I smashed a glass. What's the big deal?" I say a little harsher than I intended. Jace and Ray share a look.
"Mom home yet?"
"No," I say quietly.
"Wonder if she'll even be back tonight."
"Of course she will. Them goin' out was probably just to talk about us and how we're doin' in school and all that."
"Yeah, I bet he goes out with everyone from schools mothers."
"Who does?" Jace asks.
"Do you want Mom to date or something?" I question Ray, putting the mop down.
He shrugs. "Don't care. Not like she'll be single for the rest of her life."
"She's not single now."
"Yasmin, she hates Dad. You think she'd still be with him?"
"They're married."
"That means nada."
"They'll be together when he comes home."
"You're not that stupid, Yas," Jace says.
"Shut up, Jace. Last time I checked this was nothing to do with you."
"Damn."
"What's your problem?"
"Just speaking the truth. If we were friends, I would be on your side but... we're not," he smiles.
"Right, I get it."
"You get what?"
"That now i've finally told you that I can't bare to be around you, you can't respect that so you're going to be a dick."
"Who's arguing?" Alex says, walking in and throwing empty beer bottles in the trash.
"Take a guess," Ray roles his eyes and leaves.
"No, maybe it's just that when you try to cut someone off all of a sudden, they don't feel totally okay with that and get a little mad," Jace says and I can see him getting angry. Here comes the good old full blown argument.
"Maybe people also get a little mad when someone fucks with their feelings and makes them feel shitty when said person is around."
"Well i'm glad to know that I make you feel so shit just by being here."
"Yeah, you do. So why don't you just leave?"
"For you? No."
"Fine, then I will. I'd much rather be with my boyfriend than anywhere near you anyway."
His face slacks a little and he doesn't speak, as if he's given in. I'm a little disappointed. I wanted him to say something even more shitty back to me so that I wouldn't feel bad for saying that. Who knew winning could feel so bad.
Walking past Alex without looking at him, I leave the kitchen and stand outside the door, taking a deep breath. Val, Montana and Amelia are having fun laughing and drinking. I wish I could join in. Why does alcohol need to affect me the way it does?
"You good?" I hear Alex say on the other side of the door. Is he really asking if Jace is okay? Betrayal.
"Perfect."
"Dude, you know what she's like. Don't take it personally." Um, excuse me?
"I can't even tell if she's just saying that or if it's the truth anymore."
Part of me just wants him to know that it's not true. That I love being around him and if anything he makes me happier.
"If you were a saint and I wasn't related to her... I'd tell you that she doesn't mean it. I know how you feel about her, and unfortunately... I know how she feels about you. But dude, she's moving on. You should too."
"I have moved on."
"Yeah, because getting kicked off the soccer team cause of what you did to someone who laid a hand on her definitely means you've moved on," Alex pauses. "Look, man, you broke her heart, don't let her break yours."
What the hell?
"I already broke my own," Jace says so quietly I can barely make it out.
"That was your choice."
"Didn't feel like a choice-"
"Well it was, so don't fuckin' start, Jace, or I'll end up punching you in the damn face."
What was a choice? I don't understand what's happening. Does Alex know something and isn't telling me? They always have sketchy little moments when Alex says something to him. Jesus, what if they're like, secret agents or something? What if Alex is only pretending to be my brother?
Well, maybe that's a tiny bit extreme. But it doesn't make sense, I wanna know, but I feel like I shouldn't just be like 'hey I was snooping on your convo, what was the choice that wasn't a choice?'
I've never understand why Alex is the most protective person over me ever yet he stayed friends with Jace, the person who hurt me the most. It just doesn't make sense.
+++
teaser: I woUld hAve beAt up tHe guy but we'Re noT friEnds
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