*Pada=Sea
I promised I'd come back with Jane, and so here we are heading for Pusan.
Jane is unaware of the reason why I brought her here. It's just an outing at the seaside for Jane; for me, it'sㅡI don't know, something other.
Soo Ae met my whole family, and I regret Jane won't have this chance.
Sometimes I imagine how it would be if she did meet them, but then I think if they were there, she wouldn't be there. Strangely, I can't think of a present with all the people I love in the same vision.
In reality, it's logical; their death is what led me to cross paths with Jane. If they were alive, that route would remain closed.
Dreadful thoughts creep into my head when I ask myself if I could choose, what would I decide?
Would I accept the present I'm living or save my parents and erase everything that happened?
When I look at Jane, I sometimes don't know what to think, and I hate myself because the choice should be simple. Instantly I feel like an unworthy son and brother.
The train will stop in 10 minutes, for the moment I watch Jane sleep; her hair is very red now. I didn't know she had dyed hair. I thought the blond was natural.
This feature makes her face more exceptional, I mean, blonde with blue eyes is common, and yes, I know a redhead with blue eyes common for westerners though there aren't many. For most Koreans and me, it's unique.
Jane is beautiful in her unique way.
I wouldn't have said this three months ago; Jane hasn't changed. It's my vision of her, which has evolved for the better.
Here I realize her face has shrunk a lot; her hand is skinny. Jane never wears tight clothes or exposes her body to me. The most I saw of it was in the pool, and her t-shirt became seethrough for the rest, she had her jeans. The only thing I noticed was an impressive scar on her right arm.
I hope she's eating well since I'm aware of her passive with food. I try to be cautious about making her eat without seeming like a bossy ahjumma, but I'm not with her all the time.
Jane's sleep is troubled; she moves a lot, mumbles, and even shakes.
There are still so many things I don't know about her; what I'm sure of is there are a lot more explanations surrounding her phobias and other pathologies.
If there is something about Jane, which would have worried my parents, it would be her mental health.
Unlike in Western cultures, people aren't diligent about sicknesses like depression. Once diagnosed, people here will hide, not wanting to be ostracized. I know it's the same in some countries, but I think Westerners a cooler about it.
My parents were open-minded, but I doubt they would have been relaxed knowing the person I desire to be with is prone to depression.
It's only now that I'm able to admit I was depressed since my family perished.
I feel as though I'm pulling through, and it bothers me to think I can't help Jane the way she helped me.
"Jane, Jane, we've arrived," I say as I shake her shoulder.
Her eyes shine like headlights when she opens them.
"Did I drool?"
I ruffle her hair, "is that all you are worried about?"
We get up; no one stares at us. Pusan is a very cosmopolite city people mingle effortlessly. Of course, you can't avoid the gaping mouth of a child who has never seen a traveler.
"Min Ju, close your mouth. It's rude to stare," the child's mother says while giving me a slight bow of apology. Like always, Jane doesn't notice.
"Where are we going?"
" To the sea andㅡ."
I stop. I have to tell Jane now, I can't leave her in the dark, but I don't want to stress her either.
"And I want us to eat at a restaurant?"
Jane smiles; she's nervous but replies, "okay, let's go."
We're almost in November.
The weather seems beautiful to me. Jane shivers a little.
As soon as we arrive at the beach and we find a spot, I'm undressing.
"Oh, my goodness, Tae Won, calm down," Jane says, grinning as she watches at what speed I'm taking off my clothes and rush to the sea.
The waves come and crash on me as I run to the water. I feel as though it's a welcome hug.
Jane takes her time to take off her shoes before approaching to let the waves hit her bare feet.
I do a few strokes. The sensation is something else; being in the water is the closest thing to anything divine. Swimming in a pool is so limited; I can benefit from the whole experience when I'm here. I'm glad; I want to share this, I turn.
"Come."
"No, Tae Won, you go."
"I know; I brought you a swimming suit."
Jane shakes her head, "Still, I won't swim."
"I know you can't swim, and I don't want you to seeㅡ."
Jane's face becomes awkward, as though she wants to say something, but she doesn't know how to express it.
"ㅡMy body isn't nice."
I step out of the water and sweep my hair back as I walk to her, "'I'm sorry; I didn't mean."
"It's okay; it's me. I'm still learning to live with this body. Don't worry about me, swim. If you don't do it, I'll feel bad. Please."
I return to the water, and Jane sits down and watches me. After a while, I come out and sit next to her.
"You need a good shower."
"No, worries, my I mean, the restaurant isn't far."
Jane's stare sweeps the shore, "so this is where you grew up?"
"Yep, I came here every day before and after school. Friends at school used to call me a fish tank, saying my head was filled with water."
"It must have been horrible to stop your career."
"I didn't have the mental state to carry on, but now I want to try again."
We sit and gaze at the sea in absolute silence.
With only the sound of the waves, a few passers nod in greeting when they see me.
"You're famous even here."
"Everyone knows my gran and that I'm her grandson.
Jane shuffles; it's like she can't find a comfortable position to sit. Her stomach grumbles.
"Perhaps we should go and eat."
She nods.
"I know an excellent restaurant; you'll love it."
As we walk to the restaurant, I pray Jane doesn't take it badly, I feel I should have told her, but something tells me to leave things the way they are.
We walk inside, and as always, Young-Ae is the first to greet us, "omo, Pomona, halemeoni, come quickly."
"Young Ae, I told you don't scream likeㅡ."
My gran stops. Jane, as always, is looking around, unaware of the situation as usual.
Gran approaches, "Tae Won-ah, is thisㅡ."
"Yes, I told you I'd bring her."
Jane's focus is back, and she stares surprised at the grin my gran is giving her.
"Jane, meet my grandmother, halmeoni. This is Jane, my girlfriend."
As I see how red Jane becomes, I regret not telling her who she would meet. I mentally punch myself when I look at her face turn ghost white.
"Helㅡlo," gran says.
"Jane speaks Korean grandma."
Both my gran and young Ae place a hand on their heart in relief.
"Nice to meet you. My name is Hong Yun Hye," grandma says.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Jane."
Some customers are looking at the scene smile.
"Oh, don't stay there, come and sit down, ichuguru, Young-Ae."
"Arayo [I know]," she says, entering the kitchen.
"Gran, can I take a shower? We were at the seaㅡ."
"Yes, you can go up."
I turn, "Jane, come up to the apartment."
Without a word, she follows; she seems uncomfortable. Once upstairs, I take Jane to the living room; she looks mesmerized by the walls.
"Oh, yeah, there are a lot of photos."
Jane approaches the walls; she appears to be in a trance.
"Jane, is everything alright? I'm sorry about not telling you. I was afraid you'd say no, and I wanted-. I mean, I met your parents in tricky circumstances, but still, I met them. My gran is dear to me, and I wished to present her with another special person. I promise we won't stay long."
Jane remains silent; the shock must be more significant than I imagined.
"It's okay," Jane says as she takes a seat on the couch.
"Okay, I'm going to take my shower. I won't be long."
What have I done?
When I come back, I find Jane sobbing in my gran's arms.
"Jane, what's the matter?" I say, kneeling before her.
"Aigoo, Tae Won-Ah, I found her crying like this, she hasn't stopped, and she hasn't said anything," my gran says.
My gran seems more worried than astonished by Jane's behavior.
"Jane, Jane."
My gran slips out of the room so we can talk.
Jane is pale as she whispers, "Tae Wonㅡ."
"I'm sorry, I did wrong. I shouldn't have broughtㅡ."
I hate myself.
"It's not you, I'm-I'm- your gran, she must thinkㅡ."
"She doesn't think anything, okay, Jane, she worried that's all. Tell me what's wrong."
"I can'tㅡ."
All I want to do is to pull Jane in a hug, and I do so, "it's okay, Jane, don't worry."
Whatever is eating Jane up isn't ready to come out in words. I can wait, and when the time comes, I'll help her.
We go back down and find a big table filled with dishes; there are only seafood dishes. I doubt Jane will eat grilled food. I see her face scrunching up at the smell.
Jane isn't fussy, but I know the food is a complicated issue. I want to tell my gran, but I don't want her to start getting ideas about Jane.
"Just eat what you like, okay," I whisper in Jane's ear.
It's a good thing I swam; I'll be able to compensate for her lack of appetite.
My gran sits down to watch, urging Jane to eat, "mani beogeot [ eat a lot, bonne appetite] when the heart is hurting there's nothing better than eating to calm the soul. Aigoo, she truly broke my heart earlier, Tae Won-ah."
"It's okay, gran, it's just the emotion of meeting you. I didn't tell her we would see you."
"Omo, Tae Won, how you could do that to her."
"Nappeun nomi [evil man]," Young-Ae says as she passes with dishes. No, seriously, what kind of ears does she have?
"Oh, mani dulraeta [you must be surprised]"
Jane speaks up to my surprise in her shy Korean," I feel bad I didn't even bring you a present to thank you for the rice cakes, "
"Omo, qwenchana, you are making uri Tae Won smile. It's a great enough gift," gran says as she leans to pat Jane on the head.
We eat, and Jane relaxes a little, there are quite a few customers, and gran can't stay with us.
"Your gran is very brave."
"Yeah, she's the strongest woman I know."
Jane seems lost in translation. I sit and watch her gaze follow gran, wondering why she cried earlier. I hate seeing her suffer; I wish I could kill the source of Jane's pain and free her.
The smell of food is getting stronger as all the tables are taken. Jane seems on the verge of fainting.
"Have you finished? Tae Won take Jane outside. She looks like she needs some fresh air," gran says.
We go out, and we walk hand in hand.
"I'm sorry."
I stop in my stride, "about what?"
"Crying and spoiling everything."
"It's okay; it's already forgotten."
We find a bench and sit down.
"I love this place; you're lucky to have grown up here. I wish I did too."
"You could live here," I say, turning my head to face her.
Jane smiles, "what would I do? sell Mandos [dumplings] on the beach?"
"It's a start."
"I could become a swimming teacher, and we couldㅡ."
What I'm I saying? Tae Won micheosseo [are you crazy]?
We haven't even passed the 100th day anniversary that I'm making plans on comets, and I'm almost proposing. I wonder how Jane perceives what I said?
Tears are rolling down her eyes, "if only it were possible."
I don't know if she's talking to herself or me; all I know at this instant is that I love her.
Hi,
I haven't made long author notes in this story. I hear some of you thanking the heavens for being spared from the scrolls.
So instead of questions, here's a little gif of Uri Kim Young Kwang, aka Kim Tae Won.
Thank you for reading.