Alex
Lexie, Lexie, Lexie... the childish part of my brain has always had a reaction to the way he says it. Besides the way it sounds, I also know he only says it when we're in a good place. Or more when he is in a good place. After we first got together he stopped using it along the way. We fell in to a routine in Palas, a rut, and stopped talking. He then only referred to me as Alex. It's stupid to remember that, but every time he did call me Lexie made me feel closer to him.
Thinking of that time also scares me. We have lost sight of each other so many times, and are we really doing the right thing here? I thought so when we were lying on the living room floor, but maybe it was only lust and I couldn't control it like I was able to with Thomas. When he came to my room I wanted it to happen, but I'm not so sure about Harry. Because I'm frightened that either him or I will fuck up in the end. Which is ironic, because we already fucked, but sleeping together would mean so much more. I know that once I let that happen, there is no turning back for me. But it also feels inevitable to happen.
My mind is racing and I wish I was still on my full doses of anxiety medicine because that really helped calm down my mind, but I'm no longer on those, only on anti-depression and Doctor Collins is also planning to take them away. Right now I wish it was the other way around so that I can fall asleep.
For a second I think of texting Liam to vent, but he's on holiday and so far he seems to be sort of happy to be away from me and to not keep me in track. I'm truly like a child to them, and I feel like one too. For God's sake. I'm twenty-five, almost twenty-six, and still don't know what is right. Didn't it feel good to be with Harry tonight? Shouldn't that for once be enough? It fucking should.
Quickly I get out of bed and hurry down the hall to Harry's room. I don't bother knocking because I know he wants me there. He made it clear as he stripped down in front of me.
He's already asleep, the typical guy he is, and doesn't wake up from me opening the door. For a second I simply stare at him, his hair short, but longer than it was a year ago. It curls like it used to do back in the day. I can't believe it has been six years since we met. Six years that have been anything but perfect, but I survived. I can't possible expect that from now on my life will be perfect and that neither of us will make mistakes. We will disappoint each other, face challenges and fuck up, but there is no one else that I want to do that with. I tried, and he tried as well, to move on. We never could, so why would I hesitate now that he's showing me with everything he has got that he wants to be in my life?
Quietly I lift up his duvet and slide down under, waking him up in the process. My plan was to slide against him and wake him up by caressing his skin like I know he loved at the funeral, but I guess my weight on the mattress doesn't go unnoticed.
"Hey," I whisper. "Couldn't sleep."
"Hmm," he mumbles as she scoots closer, his body touching mine but he keeps his hands to himself. "Why not?"
"Why not? Why do think? I'm surprised you're able to sleep."
"I was tired from our activities, I think," he says and even in the dark it isn't hard to see that he's smirking.
"About that.. sorry I sort of kept quiet afterwards. I was just a bit overwhelmed."
"I know. My moves are quite extraordinary," he jokes and I swat his arm.
"Harry, I'm trying to have a serious conversation here," I tell him but he doesn't take the message and blows a kiss on my arm while pushing air through it, making me laugh.
"Why so serious all the time, Lex? Everything has been so shit lately, let's just enjoy each other's company and not think everything through so much."
"That's why I'm here, to tell you that I'm not going to overthink it and simply be in your company if it feels right."
"Good conclusion," he says, smiling. "I'm surprised you came to it without me pushing you."
"Why didn't you push me?"
"Because I know when you are scared of something and this time you were scared of me. If I'd push then I'd push away."
"You are one scary man."
"You are frightening."
"I better get back to my own bed then," I say, trying to get out of the bed, but his hands stop me like I'd hoped he'd do. Since I'm still ticklish from the sex we had earlier I can't help but shriek and laugh as he holds me by my waist.
"Please stay here, Lex. Stay with me," he whispers in my ear and just like that our conversation goes back to sounding serious because I know that he means those words more than anything else. And not just in reference to this night.
"I don't think I'm going anywhere. Seems like Logan got his other wish as well and I'm finally sleeping in his bed."
"Didn't you sleep here before with Thomas then?" He wonders and I shake my head. "What, you shared your tiny bed?"
"No, we necked on and then I fell asleep and he moved himself back here."
My answer seems to satisfy Harry as he snorts. "The poor fella. He went to your room and ended up with basically nothing?"
"Yeah, but he tried."
"Should I have? Should I have come to your room?"
"No, I just told you how it ended for Thomas," I tell him, trying to sound funny since I know that boys are a sensitive subject for him.
"Did I fight enough?"
"What about being too serious? Let's talk in the morning, I just want to sleep now, okay?"
"Just know that I want to make you happy again, Lex. You are the only person in the entire world that I'd give my life for. There's no one else that compares to you. And I will do whatever I can to win you over, but I won't push you because I know you need time to trust me again. And until you do I guess we'll just have to live by your father's motto."
"Just be."
"Just be," he repeats and I settle in his arms to fall asleep there and finally feel at ease with my racing thoughts regarding Harry. He finally was able to calm me down after all this time, but what is just as remarkable is that I did calm myself as well.
****
Logan's room doesn't have a window and because of that it stays very dark. It's why we both probably don't notice that morning has come and a bright day has started. But instead of hurrying out bed, we wake up nice and slow, Harry's hands searching for me under the sheets.
When he touches my back I tense up at how soft his touch is. I have to brace myself because I'm still ticklish and I don't want to laugh now that I find myself in his arms again. With his fingers he walks to my belly button and finally ends up where I want him to be. Where I have missed him for so long now. Not since we broke up, but even before. Because a few months ago he might have touched me like he's doing now, but I couldn't feel it as intense as I do. Now that I am in a better place myself I feel ten times as happy as I did before. And waking up next to Harry circling my belly button is my happy place. I'm happy, and that realization makes me choke up.
Harry notices and comes a bit closer, not losing contact with my stomach. "What's wrong?" He whispers, resting his head in my neck.
"Nothing's wrong."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because I'm so happy that I'm here with you," I admit to him.
"So it are happy tears?" He wonders and I nod feeling relieved. "Babe."
"I should get up and take my medicine," I tell him, feeling a bit embarrassed.
"Can't you wait a second longer and just lay with me?"
"Count to sixty," I tell him, and he does as he's told, whispering every number in my ear as he keeps drawing circles. By the time he reaches sixty I feel like going back to sleep but Harry stops touching me and rolls out of bed at the other side, taking the duvet with him. "Hey!"
"What? You wanted to get out of bed. Let's make something of this day."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Hang around town. Do something fun."
"Do we even know what that is anymore? Having fun?"
"Of course. Don't make us sound like we're some depressed bunch. We know how to have fun."
"I am depressed tough," I tell him, trying to stand up from the low mattress. "That's why I take medication."
"You don't look depressed anymore," he says and I look over to him leaning against the wall. "I saw it when you came to my mother's funeral. You're comfortable in your own skin and that's not because of some pill. Neither because of me or someone else. I'm proud of how far you've come after everything. So let's just have some fun, okay?"
After all he says I can only nod and agree. "What did you had in mind?"
"No plans, Lee. Just be," he says with a smirk, knowing that although I love my father's motto, I also find it a hard one to practise. Still, I act innocent and shrug my shoulders, leaving him behind in Logan's room.
My phone is still in my own room and I find it with a missed call from Liam. He'll be home in a few days and certainly have an opinion on the way Harry is slowly re-entering my life. He accepts it, but doesn't necessarily approve of it. He's probably checking up on me to see if I'm following Doctor Collins instructions and am still taking my medication. Which reminds me to go to the kitchen where I also find Harry in only his underwear.
"What kind of med's are you taking?" He wonders as he's trying to make some coffee and watches me getting my medicine from the cabinet above him.
"Only anti-depression. The rest is already taken away from me."
"What rest?"
"Just calming medication."
"So, do I have to be scared that you're going to attack me?" He wonders, trying to hide his smile.
"Don't be a dick about it, Harry," I tell him, "but no. As long as you don't fuck up, you don't have to be scared."
"I won't," he says on a more serious note. "Although I'm not so sure about the not being a dick part."
"Well, just know that this is your last chance," I say.
"Three times a charm, right?" He wonders, stepping closer to me as I grab a glass of water. After I take my medication he places his hands on my hips and slowly pushes me to turn around. When we're face to face he speaks again and I find it hard to keep eye contact as he does. "I won't fuck up, Lex."
"Neither will I."
"Good," he says, smiling. "Liam is ringing you," he adds as he watches my phone light up.
"He can wait," I tell him, waiting for him to lean in and kiss me, but he doesn't and instead gets a cup to fill with coffee and sits down at the dinner table. "Or not," I mumble and I pick up the phone. "Hi, Liam, how are you?"
"We're fine, what about you?" He says and I sort of hate that he's referring to himself as we.
"I am fine, too. Just took my medication and now I'm going to make breakfast."
"And how was work at the shop? Nina wonders."
"It was just like always. Boring, but good to be doing something. So how is Barcelona? Should I visit some day?"
"I think you'd like it. The city's beautiful, hot, but beautiful, and there's a beach. It is all I could ask for."
"Great. What's the temperature?"
"Like over 35. I forgot how hot that actually is."
"Hot."
"So, what are you up to today?" He wonders and I look over to Harry who innocently scrolls through his own phone.
I have no clue what our plans are, but even if I did I'm smart enough to not share them with Liam over the phone without any context. It would freak him out and I'm not in the mood for his judgement. So I lie, making Harry look up.
"Just staying in."
"Okay, anything else happened?"
"Oh, fuck, yes! Sage gave birth yesterday. I totally forgot. Wait, I'll send you a picture in a minute."
That bomb is enough for him to now question what I'm doing alone this weekend or to even pop in a question about Harry. Nor for Harry to question why I don't just tell Liam that he spent the night. So after I end my phone call with him, I make the rest of our breakfast and we enjoy it like we always used to do. Reading the world news on our phones, answering emails and looking into each other's eyes, blushing every time we do.
****
Harry
There's a million things I could have planned for today but I know there's nothing else that makes Alex happier than simply spending the day together in her hometown. We walk passed her favourites things, eat McDonalds and laugh about the London Eye. It feels so different than it did months ago when we finally found time through our busy schedules to be together. That mostly has to do with how we're feeling.
Alex is happy and comfortable in her own skin. When I make a dickish remark she's able to brush it off without it making her even more insecure. And I myself feel a calmness inside me that makes it almost easy to approach her slowly. If it were up to me, she'd quit her job and move to Brighton with me, but I'm able to give her space when I see she wants it and pull her close when I know she's craving some attention.
We laugh and joke, tease and taunt each other, but the way we look at each other says enough. It makes me burst out a smile every time I let it sink in that she's letting me back in to her life. That through it all I have always been the one and she mine. Last fall she was the one to tell me and she did again yesterday with fewer words. I want to make a grand gesture, but I know now is not the right time. Neither a repeat of our activities yesterday.
When I see her walk around in only a dress and her hair tied up in a ponytail, there's nothing more that I want than see her beautiful body and pleasure it. Still, I contain myself simply because I think we should have everything out of the way emotionally before we let our lust take over again. With her eyes Alex sometimes tells me that she agrees, and sometimes she looks at me as if she wants to fuck me right here on the street.
After it has long turned dark and we wait for my last train to arrive, I feel it is time to address the inevitable. We survived the weekend together without a fight even though we talked about tough subjects. We kissed, had sex, slept next to each other and cuddled in the streets of London. What does it mean?
"Lex?" I call out as I watch her trying to get a Twix out of a vending machine. "What are we now?"
She looks over to me for a brief second before turning her attention back to me. "Why is that always so important to know?"
"Because. What if I meet another girl on the train? Am I allowed to approach her?"
"Of course," she says, bending down to get her chocolate bar. "It never stopped you even if we had a name for ourselves."
"Ha ha," I fake laugh. "I'm serious. I don't want you to be single, ready to mingle. I mean, Liam will be home soon."
"That's not funny either."
"So? What are we? Give me an answer and I'll stop making jokes."
"Friends."
I roll my eyes and steal the bar from her to take a bite. She gives me a look that is full of disappointment, but I am disappointed as well for her calling me her friend. Months ago that would have been lovely to hear. Right now I want more because we are more than friends.
"We have always been friends," I tell her. "If this is being friends than I should have known earlier it can be so easy. Fuck you, and being allowed to mess around with others. Would have saved me a lot of trouble."
"You're not funny," she says, turning away from me. "You know what I want, but I'm not going to say it out loud."
"Why not?"
"Because the moment we do, I'm sure it is going to go to shit."
It's not that I don't get her point, but it does pain me that she's scared to give a label because all the times we did before, it didn't work out. Although I'm pretty sure that we'll face new problems if we do get back together, I also am sure that we're going to cope. If it wasn't for my stupidities than we would have the second time around. Of course Alex would still have mental health problems and I would have to lose my mother, but we would have fought through. We did that separately now, but I won't hurt her again. I matured, I already did when I came back to Palas, and we'll be fine. No matter what label we give ourselves.
"It won't, but fine. Just know that you're mine."
She only grants me a smile, but I take it. Because I know that smile tells me that she loves me and is grateful for my patiences. That even though she won't say it out loud, I am also hers.