Before I knew it, I was walking down the aisle of the cathedral, clinging to Papa's arm and praying that I wouldn't trip in front of everyone.
Roberta and hoards of other servants had prepared me for every second of the ceremony, but they'd forgotten the tiny detail of me actually being able to move in the gargantuan dress. It was beautiful of course. In fact, it was the most beautiful dress I'd ever seen - a soft shimmery white, overlaid with a delicate material that had thousands of tiny diamonds sewn into it so that the whole dress sparkled. It was trimmed with a delicate floral design, and I suspected that the gold color threaded throughout was actual gold. It was more elaborate and more expensive than any dress I'd ever seen - certainly more so than anything I ever owned, but it was also very big and very heavy. I seriously doubted that I'd have made it down the aisle at all if not for Papa helping me.
Thanks to Roberta's relentless work, I was becoming very good at hiding my misgivings and mild panic attacks behind a genuine looking smile and graceful movements - well, graceful enough anyway - and I'd never been more grateful to the woman than I was at this very moment. If not for that training, I'd have been frozen to the spot once I got a good look at the hundreds - possibly thousands of people waiting for me inside the auditorium.
Papa, obviously able to tell that I was not as confident as I appeared to everyone else, gave my arm a little pat and led me onward.
As I drew nearer to Alex and his dazzling smile, I felt myself relax immensely. Everyone else simply fell away. I wanted this, I reminded myself. I wanted to marry Alex more than anything in the world.
Papa and I reached the point where he was to hand me off to Alex and as he bent to kiss my cheek, for the first time in my life, I noticed tears in my father's eyes. Which, of course, made me have to blink away a few of my own.
I sent him a sad smile and gave his hand a squeeze before I turned and took Alex's offered arm to officially begin my new life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the ceremony, we headed to the ballroom for the reception. Everything was beautiful and the food was wonderful, but all I wanted was to get away from it all. The ceremony had been long anyway, but wearing that dress and being the focal point of so many people for so long, not to mention dancing the obligatory few dances in the aforementioned dress, had left me feeling drained.
I almost didn't want to go anywhere because of my family, but I was also tired and I couldn't wait to leave.
Or almost, I thought, glancing nervously at Alex.
Thanks to Mother filling me in, I knew what was supposed to happen now, and I was more apprehensive than ever. Aside from the embarrassment of having literally every person in the kingdom - including my parents - knowing exactly what we'd be doing, I wasn't sure I wanted to do it at all.
Mother said it would be embarrassing and painful, and that I probably wouldn't like it for a while. Naive as I'd been, I'd known it would be embarrassing, but I hadn't realized it would be so unpleasant otherwise. I couldn't seem to make myself believe that she was right when she said that eventually I'd actually like it.
But what choice did I have really? Not only did Alex expect it, he unquestionably deserved it now. He'd waited and denied himself for years when he didn't have to wait at all. He could have had any woman he wanted, including me, any time he wanted, but he chose to wait out of love and consideration for my feelings. I couldn't deny him now. But what if I hated it? What if I never wanted him to touch me again after tonight? He'd be able to tell without me saying so and I couldn't bear to hurt him that way. More than that, I didn't think I'd have a choice until there was an heir. I was obligated to get pregnant as soon as humanly possible.
How long would it take to actually get pregnant? However long it took, I wouldn't know it for a few months at least. All the while, people would be watching and waiting and assuming me to be a failure. No doubt they'd start putting extra pressure on both Alex and me now.
As if this wasn't going to be bad enough without the king and his advisors monitoring mine and Alex's...activities!
And what if I had a girl? The pressure would only increase until there was a boy.
What had I gotten myself into?
"Everything alright?" Alex asked, lacing his fingers through mine.
I forced a smile and nodded. "Just thinking."
"Must be serious," he teased.
"I'm just sad that everyone will be leaving soon," I lied. Obviously I couldn't tell him what I'd actually been thinking, but it was true. My family that lived nearby would be going home tomorrow since Papa and my uncles would all have to get back to working and my brothers would have to go back to school. The rest of my family would be leaving within a few weeks.
He gave me a sympathetic smile and brushed his thumb across my hand. "When things aren't so busy, we'll have them come visit as often as you like. As far as I'm concerned, they can move in if they want to."
"Thank you," I said. "It's a nice thought, but they'll never do that." Even if Mother's family didn't have lives and obligations so far away, they could never stay here indefinitely with the class system and all the other nonsense that came along with it.
"Well then I suppose we'll just have to go to them," he said. "After all, we are royalty. We can do as we please."
"Don't I wish." I laughed. Royals had much less freedom than most people in terms of what they'd like to do with their lives. There were far too many obligations to fulfill.
Alex grinned before leaning in to place a soft kiss on my lips.
As appropriate as it was for him to kiss me publicly now that we were married, and particularly because this was our wedding reception, I still blushed, which made Alex chuckle.
"I hope you remember your promise." He pulled away and seemed to relax totally in his seat next to mine. He'd said it nonchalantly, but the gleam in his eye told me that he was thinking of our time alone later.
"My p-promise?" I asked stupidly, drawing a complete blank but still flustered due to the direction of his thoughts.
He raised an eyebrow before he quoted my previous words that I'd forgotten all about. "If you're a good boy now, I promise to make it well worth your efforts later."
Heat filled my cheeks and I swallowed thickly. What had I been thinking?
Alex laughed again, enjoying my discomfiture.
"I've heard that you have several new outfits that I'd be interested in seeing," he teased. "I even heard something about a pink one."
I wasn't sure how I didn't just burst into flames right on the spot, I was so embarrassed. Who'd told Alex about those humiliating nightgowns? I'd carefully avoided mentioning anything about them to him. I'd hidden them away so that even my servants would have trouble finding them, and I'd told him that my family had simply wanted to spend time with me and hadn't given me any gifts.
But apparently someone had told on me. I glanced around the room and spotted Isabelle. She grinned, winked, and seemed like the probable culprit. While I was warmed by her familiarity, I also wanted to kill her.
"I have always wanted to see you in pink, you know," Alex said.
My instinct was to say something about how much I hated pink and how that would never happen, but I was much too mortified to put a sentence together.
Alex grinned mischievously and lifted our joined hands to place a kiss on the back of mine. "I simply cannot wait to leave."
I'd wished for the same thing moments ago, but suddenly I never wanted to move from this spot.
Alex stared into my eyes for another moment before turning to speak to the servant who'd just asked some question I didn't hear.
I shifted uncomfortably and glanced at the meal before me. I'd planned on finishing it, but now I knew I'd never be able to eat even one more bite.
"Ready?" Alex asked, turning back to me and indicating that it was time to stand.
"What?" I gasped, startled. I didn't think we'd be leaving quite so soon.
Alex bit back a smile. "We should mingle. At least with the dignitaries and such. I also thought you'd want to see your family.
"Oh," I breathed, calming a bit and allowing him to pull me from my seat to begin speaking with various guests.
Alex led me around the room, conversing easily with everyone and I wondered how I would ever even keep all their names straight, let alone be able to carry on conversations like this. From this point on, that sort of thing would be expected of me all the time.
My mother and aunts all had some little bit of advice that they whispered to me as I hugged them. Their intent was obviously to calm and reassure me, but it had the exact opposite effect. I smiled anyway, grateful for the effort.
When we reached Alex's family - my family now, Isabelle was grinning again.
"I may have to kill you later," I joked.
She only laughed and hugged me briefly.
"What did you do?" Juliette asked accusingly from beside her sister.
Isabelle shrugged innocently. "I merely told Alex that Keira had some new pretty things he might like to see."
Juliette giggled and then gave me a sympathetic smile. "Poor Keira. You're so embarrassed."
"Yes, isn't it fantastic," Alex said, startling me. I hadn't realized he was finished speaking with his father. "I love seeing how many shades of red she can turn."
I gave him an irritated look.
"Oh, hear that, Keira?" Isabelle said. "He likes red!"
Obliging Alex's little game, I blushed at his very intrigued look and they all laughed at me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd assumed that after we finished speaking with people, we would be returning to our seats for the remainder of the reception, but before I even realized what was happening, Alex was leading me from the room.
I glanced back just in time to catch a reassuring smile from my mother.
My heart began to race and I had to work at not seeming as though I was going to hyperventilate.
With a slight shock, I realized that we were headed to Alex's rooms. I hadn't been there in years since it hadn't been remotely proper. Would they be my rooms too now? I felt foolish for never having thought of it before. Amidst all the planning and preparation for this wedding, I hadn't thought much beyond it in practical terms. But we were married now. Everything would be different.
Alex released my hand once we were through the door and he turned to dismiss the servants. Hearing him ordering them not to disturb us sped my already rapid pulse, and I awkwardly looked around the room.
My eyes landed on a table by the window and I curiously drew closer to get a better look in the dim light. I smiled when I realized what I was looking at. The table was full of little gifts I'd given him over the years. Nothing was very expensive or important, but it looked as though he still had every one of them.
"You still have this," I said, reaching for the carved wooden horse that Uncle Stephen had made for me. I'd given it to Alex for his twelfth birthday because it reminded me of his horse at the time.
"I have everything you've ever given me," Alex said, joining me at the table. "Yours were always my favorite gifts."
It was very sweet and I smiled up at him.
He watched me for a long moment before he took the horse from my hands and placed it gently back on the table.
My stomach flipped when he moved closer.
"Don't be nervous," he said softly. "It's only me."
I smiled shakily, wishing I didn't feel so anxious. "I know...but I am."
He stared into my eyes before smiling patiently and taking my hand to place a gentle kiss on my fingers.
"Come," he said, surprising me by leading me to the small couch against the wall and pulling me down beside him on it.
I looked at him curiously as he seemed to be getting comfortable. Sitting. That's it - just sitting.
Alex chuckled and put his arm around me. "We have our whole lives, Keira. There's no rush."
Completely dumbfounded, I could only stare at him. He was entirely serious. He wasn't planning on doing anything other than sitting here with me. On our wedding night.
No one could argue that he was entitled to certain privileges tonight. He'd been entitled for a long time, but he was willing to wait even longer for me. He didn't even seem bothered by it. He must have been expecting that tonight, of all nights, we would absolutely be doing those things I was so nervous about, but he was still going to deny himself until I was ready.
But he shouldn't have to wait, and I wouldn't make him. That one action calmed me more than any words possibly could and gave me the courage to stand and pull him to his feet again.
"Thank you for that." I smiled and walked backwards, dragging him along. "But no."
I didn't stop until my legs came into contact with the bed and then I pulled his face to mine.
His genuine surprise at what was going to happen made me love him more than I thought possible. I was still nervous, but much stronger than that feeling was love and the realization that I didn't deserve this wonderful man.