Pic on the side is of Craig and Mitchie. The song is 'Blurry' by Puddle of Mudd. :D
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Chapter 12
There are times when I think to myself; what the hell am I still doing alive? I’m being serious. I’m not a suicidal person, but there are times when I’m over come with such grief and pain that I think, is life really worth living?
Normally, the answer would be yes, as I would think about all the people that I love, and who would probably miss me if I’m gone. But, right now, as I’m walking to my car slowly, my tattoo burning, my wolf growling, and my heart shattering into a million pieces; I’m seriously considering forgetting about all the reasons to stay alive, and to just go join my mum.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I’m wallowing in self-pity, but I can’t help it. I’ve always ignored everything around me, every horrid emotion inside of me. Ignorance is bliss as they say. I’m not a strong person, honestly I’m not. The only way I’ve been able to live through what I have is through ignoring everything.
But now that my world is shattering around me, and I have no idea what’s real and what’s not, I’m starting to think that I’m going to have to catch up with sixteen years of pain, and understand what’s going on in my body and in my personal life before I can even think of moving on.
As I got into my car, Nick’s voice ran through my mind, replaying what he said to me that night I had first shifted into a wolf.
“...You’re not the type of person to run away from your problems Mitchie; you hold you’re ground until you resolve all of them and you know it!”
I sighed while starting the car and plugging in my iPod.
How right he was. No matter how many times I wanted to welcome death, I know for a fact I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’d be like those ghosts from The Mediator Series. I’d keep haunting Suze Simon until she solved my unfinished business, and because I like to solve my own problems, I’d have resented myself even more.
I shook the thoughts out of my head as I backed out the driveway and sped down the road. I need to listen to some music.
I quickly selected ‘Blurry’ by Puddle of Mudd and hummed along to the tune, needing a break from my self-pity and just to be surrounded by the calm that only music could bring me.
I parked my car and checked my reflection in my mirror. My eyeliner had smudged slightly due to the silent tears that had run down my cheeks as I drove. I quickly re-did it before taking two deep breaths and made sure none of the emotions churning inside of me showed on my face.
I looked out the windows as I grabbed my bag from the back seat, making sure no one had seen the state I was in just now, though thankfully I had tinted windows, so even if people were looking – which they were – they wouldn’t see much anyway.
I stepped out the car with my head held high, and walked quickly into the school, heading to the reception so I could get my late mark. The receptionist understood when I told her that I had to go to my dad’s ‘business firm’ this morning, so after calling Dad and checking that my story was legit, she marked me here.
As I was stashing my bag in my locker and getting out my books, I heard a voice with a fake ‘from-the-hood’ accent call, “Yo, Michelley!”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or scold him and myself: Me – for forgetting that it was Tuesday. Him – for not giving up his crazy tradition.
Let me explain, every Tuesday after he ‘came out of the closet’ and told everyone he was homosexual, he has taken the stereotypical view of how some homophobes think of gay people, to the max. So in brief, some people think Gay people like to dress up in costumes and/or act feminine and so, Craig protests this and comes to school every Tuesday in some whacky costume.
This is why he was now walking toward me wearing baggy pants low enough so that you could see his boxers, baggy shirt and jacket with gold chains around his neck, sneakers and hat. But it’s a lot better than what he dressed up as last week. Tight skinnies, cowboy boots, hat and checked shirt. Not to mention he was – throughout the whole day – speaking in the most fakest, horrifying country accent, I’ve ever heard. Absolutely terrible.
Only I knew the true reason behind this though. Sure everyone knew he was doing it for protest, but that wasn’t the main reason. You see, before he told everyone he was gay, he was like mega popular. I’m talking jock popular people.
But as soon as everyone found out about him, they avoided him like the leper, called him names, and even kicked him off the team. It was totally uncalled for. So we moved schools together.
I had to anyway because I was coming to the age where I needed to be surrounded by wolves, and my old school was just full of humans, so with everything going on it seemed only right that Craig move with me.
But that was two years ago, and everyone in this school was cool with it. So I just shook my head at him as he stood in front of me with his famous ‘what-ya-gonna-do-about-me’ smile.
“Yo my sister from another mister; what the heezie baby?” He said while grabbing my hand doing this crazy hand shake thing, all the while I was laughing my head off at him, feeling my mood lift.
“Dude, this is better than last week, but don’t you think this costume is kind of...”
He grinned.
“Superficial? Racist? Na, I checked it with ma homies they’re all cool with it. They even gave me pointers on how to do this totally awesome gangster walk!” He said while he demonstrated the walk.
“You look more like a penguin, than a gangster!” I said while shaking with laughter as I started to walk in the direction of our next – well my first of today – class.
“Ah come on, you love it really!” He pouted as he put his arm around my shoulder, as people sent him amused glances, all used to it by now.
“The pouting does so not go with that outfit dude!” I chuckled and he immediately changed it to a grin, while I shook my head at him.
“So where were you this morning?” He asked casually, and just like that my good mood was gone. I thought about everything and how I was going to answer without lying to him, until I remembered that I didn’t have to now.
He’s not human. He’s a witch and my cousin.
As soon as I thought those words Craig froze, and since his arm was around me I had to stop as well.
“What is mind-reading your active power? Or just one of them? I mean you are a Mason after all.” I whispered so that only he could hear, and stared into his green eyes for any sign of him trying to deny it.
He remained frozen until everyone had left for class, an unknown emotion crossing his normally amused green eyes. But I refused to be the one to speak first. I needed answers, and he held some of the most important ones.
As soon as that thought ran through my head, he dropped his arm from my shoulder and gripped my hand tightly, before dragging me away. It wasn’t until we were in the music block, that I understood where it was we were going.
Whenever me and Craig wanted to talk about something important to each other, and didn’t want anyone to know, we ditched classes and went to the assembly hall. The hall was basically a sort of cliché school stadium. You know the type; a theatre type of room, which contained a big stage and a large space at the back, for well, back stage, and seats in front of the stage in rows.
Craig opened the large double doors and walked in, still dragging me slightly, though I wasn’t putting up any resistance. It wasn’t until we sat down in the seats right at the top and the darkest place in the hall that he finally talked.
“Aunt Clarissa came to visit then?” He asked hesitantly, and a small smirk lit up my face.
“Shouldn’t I be the one to ask questions?” But I answered in a quiet voice, “Yeah, she did.”
He squeezed my hand, that he was still holding, to offer me some comfort and I took it in gladly.
“I’m so sorry that you had to find out that way.” Then he took a deep breath while he looked around the room quickly, “What did she tell you exactly?”
I understood from the undertone in his question. ‘What information do I need to give you for you to start putting all the pieces together?’
What can I say? We know each other well.
“She hasn’t finished yet, my darn alarm clock woke me up. But she was telling me the story of when my pack and the Moon Pack were at war.”
He sighed, and looked toward the stage in deep thought. After a minute, he finally turned to me, “Aunt Clarissa told you nothing about your heritage?”
I scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion, “My heritage?”
“Yeah, like before you thought that you were half-Human/half-Werewolf, right?” When I nodded, he continued. “Well, it’s not true, for both your siblings and you. Nick and Lucy are full Werewolves, whereas you have both the Witch and Werewolf gene.”
“Yeah, I kinda figured when I saw I got the mark, and Lucy didn’t get one.” I sighed, but it was now his turn to be confused.
“Mark? What mark?” His eyebrows scrunched up together, making his whole face look weird and because it was rare for him ever to be confused (and now I know the reason why) I couldn’t help but grin at him.
“You’re the mind-reader, Craig. This fact has been in my thoughts since I woke up this morning.” I stated but when he still looked confused, I rolled my eyes and pulled down the top of my shirt slightly so he could see the top of my left breast.
He gasped when he saw the mark and pulled me closer as if to look at it properly.
“What, when...?” Then he narrowed his eyes and looked me dead in the eyes, “Who?! And he better be freaking cute!”
I chuckled. He is so Craig! But when I saw his humorous expression disappear to a very serious one, I knew he was mad.
“Wait, that whole ‘it’s kinda like an arranged marriage’ bullshit you were spouting, was true?!” He exclaimed as he began to stand up, his hands clenched into fists so I quickly sat in his lap and hugged him until he calmed down.
No-one screws me over without having hell to pay from Craig. When it comes to things like that, I have no idea who’s worse; him or Nick.
Maybe even Derek now too.
No, stop thinking about him, we haven’t got time to break down again.
“It’s okay I promise. It was arranged at first, but then Derek and I both made the connection anyways so...I guess it all turned out for the best.”
He pulled away from me, suspicion in his eyes, “What aren’t you telling me?”
“Why don’t you just read my mind and find out?” I asked, and he shook his head at me.
“I can’t read minds.” He paused. “Well, I can’t read yours anyway.”
“Huh?”
“Yes, my active power is to do with the mind. I can read anyone’s mind I want to within a ten-mile radius. But I can choose whose mind I want to read, people’s thoughts don’t just flood into my head.” He took a deep breath as he put his arms around me while I was still in his lap. “When I do choose to read someone’s mind, I can read every single one of every thought they’ve ever had, if I wanted to.”
“Whoa,” I whispered, impressed making a small smile appear on his face before his brow wrinkled in discomfort.
“Yeah, but that’s not all I can do, remember I said my active power was to do with the mind.” He closed his eyes as he pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. “I can also use mind-control and I can use telekinesis.”
I remained silent, but was certain that my eyes were glowing with the intensity of my curiosity.
When Craig opened his eyes and looked into mine, he burst out laughing. “Your eyes really are the mirror of your emotions! Your pupils look like a light has just been flicked on inside your head!”
I shook my head at him, “Well then read the freakin’ emotion! I want to know so badly.”
“Didn’t you know that curiosity killed the cat?” He laughed at his bad joke and I snorted.
“Dude, I’m of the canine family; what do I care about a freakin cat?!” When he started to laugh again, I punched his chest lightly. “Stop it already! Just tell me what I want to know man!”
He sighed while wiping the tears from his eyes from laughing so hard.
“So impatient. Okay, so obviously you know how telekinesis works, right?” When I nodded, he continued, “OK, so I don’t need to explain that one. Mind control is quite easy. It works the same sort of way reading a mind does, the only difference is that instead of listening to thoughts, I implant a suggestion – or demand however you choose to see it – into their heads and they immediately do it, as if they had the idea themselves.”
“That’s freaky.” I said quietly but then I paused. “Wait – you said it didn’t work on me...?”
“Yeah, you’re the only exception for some reason. But only because I haven’t got enough detail. You see, when it comes to you I can only get a little of what you’re thinking, almost as if I’m reading your emotion on some sort of decision.” He paused and his eyes had a faraway look to them. “I could always read Nick, Lucy and your dad’s thoughts clearly whenever I came round your house, and I could always read Mum’s and Aunt Narcissa’s minds too. So we can rule out the whole ‘because-its-family’ thing.”
I pondered this. “Maybe it’s to do with my heritage, I mean I doubt anyone else you’ve ever met was half-Were, half-Witch, right?”
“True...” Then he looked at me searchingly, before embracing me. “How are you dealing with this?”
“You want the truth?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
He nodded his head and pulled away slightly so he could look at my face.
“I’m handling it extremely badly. I’ve always ran away from my emotions, and now that everything that I’ve been hiding from has come to kick me in the ass, I’m scared.”
“Scared of what babe?” He asked gently as he wiped my cheeks. But like this morning, my tears flowed relentlessly.
“Of losing control, of letting my weaknesses get the better of me and making me fail from protecting my family, from protecting my pack.” I took a deep breath, as if to try and steady my trembling voice, “What with this war, and me finding out that my whole life was a lie; I’m now pushing away the one thing I’ve wanted my whole life.”
“True love,” We said together, and then he hugged me tightly to him as my body was overcome with the power of my sobs.
A while later, after I explained everything that happened this past four days – which seemed like four years to me – Craig left to get me some coffee and some tissues so that I would be calm enough to go home and confront everything head on.
I stood up and climbed down the stairs, walking toward the stage. Someone had left the lights on and I was glad, as they brought back the memories of my many performances on this stage. The most important was the first time I had sung on this stage two years ago, me and the band newly united. Even as inexperienced musicians we were still somehow a hit. I always said it was because of our strong friendship and love of music.
I sighed as I jumped up slightly so I could sit on the edge of the stage. I didn’t want to be mad at them anymore. The God’s know I needed them now.
Matt’s irritating yet lovable traits, Stacey’s seemingly indifferent expression but you can always tell that she listens to you, Leon’s maturity and his stability that made me know I could always run to him with any problem and he’d help me no matter what. But most of all, I miss Zoey; her reassurances, her advice, her eccentricity, and the fact that she is always there for me whenever I need her most.
Just as I thought this, I heard light footsteps coming toward me. Even with the lights in my eyes, I could name that curvy body from a mile away.
“Hey, Zo,” I whispered, though it echoed on the stage, making it sound louder than intended to. The closer she got, the clearer I could see her expression, so I definitely noticed the fact that she was hiding her sadness with a large grin.
I chuckled at the sight of it, as she looked like a grumpy clown who had to smile for his pay. “Don’t grin too hard; you’ll hurt your jaws.”
She shook her head as she laughed and sat down beside me.
“Why do I even bother trying to hide my emotions? You could always read me well.” Then she met my eyes as her expression turned sombre, “Though you should probably say that to yourself as well.”
I decided to play dumb. “Which part, the bit about hurting my jaw if I smile or about me attempting to hide my emotions?”
She sighed and took my hand. “Both babes, I’m really worried about you. You know I’ve always been able to read you, do you really think that all because you’re not talking to us, that we won’t notice when the person we care about is hurting?”
I didn't miss the plural in her sentence, and as I felt tears prick in my eyes I turned and looked at the lights above us so that way if she noticed the tears, I could blame it on the bright colours of the lighting.
“How are Leon and Stacey?” I asked, thanking the Gods for not letting my voice tremble with my unshed tears.
I heard the smile rather than see it, seeing as I was still looking at the lights. The school really needed to buy new ones as they looked like they would fall at any moment.
“They’re good and at school too; though of course you’d have known that if you and Craig hadn’t ditched.” I heard her take a deep breath. “It was actually one of the other reasons I ditched last period to talk to you. I wanted to say thank you–”
I shook my head and finally looked back at her to stop her continuing that sentence.
“You don’t need to thank me. You know I’ll always protect the ones I care about Zoey. You thanking me is really rather unnecessary.”
So quickly I didn’t even see it coming, she pulled me into a hug, and if I wasn’t a Were, I would have not been able to breathe by the chokehold she had me in.
“I knew it! I knew you still cared about us! I knew you wouldn’t let something as stupid as some silly words come out in frustration ruin two years of friendship!”
“Of course not silly, I understand that you were only obeying the Alpha.” I chuckled as I hugged her back. “Believe me I know how hard it is not to!”
“You didn’t!” She said as she pulled back with an amused expression on her face.
“What! I was pissed off and I was a newly shifted wolf. I’m not surprised that I didn’t remember the repercussions of disobeying orders!” I shrugged at her.
“I’m so sorry Mitchie. It must have been so hard for you. To feel that everyone knew before you did and that you were being forced to do something you didn’t want to.” She paused. “But at least you know that you’re both meant to be with each other, so that should make the whole alliance thing easier, right?”
I looked down, “Yeah I guess.”
“What? Did he not accept the bond? Because I may not be able to shift, but that doesn’t mean I can’t freakin’ bitch slap him–!”
I covered her mouth with my hand gently, my wolf rattling inside of me because of Zoey’s threats. But I hushed her. Zoey was just being supportive and a good best friend.
“He didn’t reject me. I ... held it off.” I muttered.
She pulled my hand away from her mouth and I let her even though I knew of the aggro it would cost me.
“You did what?! Why did you reject the one thing you’ve always wanted?!”
“Because I–” But I paused. Mum didn’t say anything about Zoey. Was I allowed to tell her? Deciding to ask her tonight, I said something else instead. “Because I don’t know him well enough! At least with you and Matt, you knew each other while growing up, dated from the first year of high school, and when Matt became a wolf, he knew you were his mate and you accepted the bond he initiated.
“With me and Derek…it’s different. He’s from a different pack, from a different area, we met only four days ago, and the only thing I do know is that he is the Beta of his pack, has a Mum and Dad and his last name is Woods! How freakin’ pathetic is that!”
Okay, so I ramble a lot when I’m frustrated, but this time it was justified. Besides, this was my best friend. Best friends talk about guys and relationship problems, its natural. So no, I don’t mind sharing that particular information. Zoey had remained silent during my ranting, and when I was through, she put her hand on my shoulder.
“Then why don’t you get to know him?” She asked gently.
How do I explain to her that I’m an emotional wreck and that I want to know more about my so-called life before I introduce anyone else (especially someone who is supposed to be my other half) to it, all without telling her secrets which I’m not sure I can tell her?
Decisions, decisions, but I’m taking the easy way out. That’s right; I’m using the dumb card.
Pretending I hadn’t thought about that myself because I was stubborn (not entirely unbelievable I admit) I simply said, “It’s not that easy.”
She rolled her eyes, taking the bait. “It is that easy! Loads of Were’s I know have met their Soulmates that they’ve never met before–”
“Yeah, and they make love that very night, and talked to each other afterwards. Well I’m sorry to say that I’ve always been the type to wait for love before I give anyone that privilege.”
She rolled her eyes again; I swear if she doesn’t stop she will go permanently crossed eyed. “I’m not telling you to go ‘Do It’ with him. I’m just saying to not ignore the bond! It will only get harder the more you pull away.”
Don’t I know it? I’ve been trying to block out my wolf’s whimpering cries all day and Derek is in nearly every single one of my thoughts. Not to mention the fact that my heart aches to see him and to tell him I’m sorry, and to tell him that I want to be with him.
But if I’m going to mate with him, then he is going to have someone strong, someone worthy of him, someone who isn’t broken.
I can’t be that person right now.
I remained silent, and Zoey groaned.
“Okay that is it!” She exclaimed.
She grabbed my hand and started to drag me upstairs just as Craig came back with tissues, obviously not bothering with the horrid school coffee. I did tell him not to. It just taste likes watery mud in a cup.
“Hey Zo!” He grinned down at her, but then he noticed the death grip she had on my hand, “Where are ya taking our Michelley?”
She grinned. “The one place she lets go of everything, and can get lost in the one thing that calms her down!”
I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion as Craig grinned brightly, “Great idea!”
Somehow, I think Craig knew what Zoey was talking about without reading her mind. Me? I’m just too wound up to care.
“Want to tell me where I’m going guys, before I launch my karate skills full force?”
Zoey turned to me with excitement burning in her chocolate eyes. “We are going to Tom’s party!”
“Who?” I asked with my head tilted to one side as I thought of why that name sounded familiar.
She just shook her head, “He used to go to the school next to ours, though he graduated like a year or two ago. Anyway he is mega cool and popular, and has invited everyone in his old school and this one to his mansion for one of his awesome parties!”
Honestly where had I heard that name before? He had also gone to the school two hours away from ours? Somehow my intuition is telling me I should know what Zoey and Craig are up to, but like I said before I’m too wound up to care.
Besides, am I really going to pass up the chance to distract myself from the problem that is my life, and dance to the magic that is rock music?
Yeah, right.
So I smiled weakly as the bell went, signalling the end of school, and said, “Let’s party like it’s the end of the world.”