For the next two days, I was curled in a ball on my bed and staring at the bleak wall. Eliza wasn't supposed to die. She was supposed to live a long life, open her own makeup line, participate in local beauty pageants, get married to a businessman and raise one celebrity kid. These were her plans for the future and now she wasn't here to fulfil them.
She had hidden the statistics of her operation, only four out of ten walked out of the doors alive and she wasn't one of them. She fucking wasn't.
I vaguely remembered that the last time I felt this much agony was during the first year of my battle with cancer. The chemotherapy used to burn my body and I was beyond tired. In the beginning, it was scary. The fear made my affliction feel ten times worse, but at least then, I didn't lose anyone. I came to learn that the pain of losing someone close was the worst.
The tears rolling down my cheeks aimlessly had dried and I knew that I had to pull myself together. A part of me was blaming myself for her death. I encouraged her to go for the operation, didn't I? If only she hadn't gone for it, she would still be alive, even if it was for not long. She would have been given other options for treatment or a particular number of months for her to live. She would have got a shot to at least live more.
Tell me Liz, did I unknowingly kill you?
"Joy," I heard my mum's cautious voice while the door flung open and I sat up. She had a tray of food in her hand and she placed it on the table. I could see the concerned look on her face. "There's beans and rice, some salted chips and medicines. I'm sorry I couldn't cook anything nice because of work. If you don't want this then you can order--- "
"No, beans and rice are good," I cut her off and tried my best to force a smile. She always cooked delicious food to awaken my taste buds which had long died because of the bitter medicines I took. "I'm fine maa, you can go and work."
"I'm always there if you want to talk, okay?" The perturbed look on her face didn't vanish even when I nodded. "Also, call Eliza's sister, she wanted to talk to you."
"Did you tell her about me?" I asked and her lips pursed into a thin line. "Maa, why did you do that? I'm alright."
"Just talk to her please," she pleaded and with that, left the room. Katherine, Eliza's sister might have asked because, after Eliza's death, they hadn't heard from me. I was a close friend of Eliza, at least I used to be when I attended the support group sessions. I wanted to offer my most sincere condolences, but at the same time, I was mourning for Eliza. I couldn't meet them in my crying state- I wanted to appear strong.
I decided to call Katherine anyway. "Hello?"
"JJ? I'm so glad you called," her voice was hoarse and I knew that she had been crying too.
"I-I'm sorry about Eliza . . . I-I . . . " I couldn't find the right words as I swallowed the lump formed in my throat. "I hope you and your family are alright."
"Yeah, we're fine. I mean Liz's in a better place so we're fine," her voice continued to shake like a leaf caught in a storm. "She wanted to do the operation so we let her. She said that she just wanted to 'go for it and that there's still some fight left in her.' Looking back, I think a part of me knew that she was lying. She didn't have much hope for her. A part of me saw the defeat in her eyes as I constantly asked her if she was sure . . . But she never wavered . . . "
I would go for it because there's still some fight left in me- those were my words. If only I had known about the statistics of the operation and if I hadn't said those words, maybe she would be alive. Tell me Liz, did I unknowingly kill you?
I took a sharp breath and remarked, "Liz was always stubborn."
"Yeah, she was." I heard Katherine's light laughter and the tension in her voice seemed to ease. "She was so stubborn right from childhood. If she wanted something, she would be so firm and create so much chaos until we surrendered. She would turn the house upside down."
"Yeah, she was stubborn but beautiful. She was so beautiful, she still is in our hearts," I murmured while trying to suppress the suffocation I was feeling.
Tell me Liz, did I unknowingly kill you?
"She will always be beautiful in our hearts. I wish she had hope for herself . . . If she had, maybe she would have lived. The statistics wouldn't have mattered if she had hope," Katherine said in a much calmer tone.
"Yeah," I breathed and suddenly, I heard Simon's voice in the background.
"Sorry, I got to go JJ, thanks for calling. See you around," she bade farewell and hung up the call.
I plopped on my bed and fresh tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't know why, but I started to cry again as I shoved the spoonful of beans and rice in my mouth. I couldn't taste anything other than my salty tears. Even if I did influence her decision innocuously, intentionally, I could have given her hope, especially when we both were in the same situation.
I heard the doorbell ring and some noises from downstairs.
Suddenly, I heard Shaun's voice, "JJ, Logan is over here! I'm sending him upstairs!"
Why was he here? Did something happen to him?
I roughly wiped my tears, placed the unfinished plate of food on the table and quickly sat up.
"Hey," I greeted when Logan entered awkwardly, fidgeting with his long sleeves. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah." He quietly sat beside me on the bed where I had pointed him to sit.
"How were the sessions with the counsellor? Is it making you feel better--- "
"How are you?" he interjected and continued bravely, "Everything's fine with me and it's not about me-it's about you. I came here to know if-if you were okay. If you feel fine or if you need someone to talk to."
"Thanks, Logan, but I'm fine," I lied, but he saw right through me because he shuffled closer to me as I instinctively shrank back, my back hitting the wall. He lifted his finger gingerly and touched my cheek with his feather-like the ghost of a touch. He then withdrew his hand slowly. A drop of my salty tear was traitorously sitting on the tip of his finger.
"This doesn't show you're fine," he stated calmly and leaned back. "I heard about Eliza from your grandfather, so I came here to check on you. I'm sorry about her . . . She was a close friend of you, so I don't think you're feeling fine about this. Are you feeling fine Joy?"
"No, I'm not feeling fine, Logan," I whimpered and bit my bottom lip hard to stop it from trembling. "I-I feel like I influenced her decision, you know? Before going for her-her operation, she asked me whether I would do this if-if I was in her place and I-I said-said y-yes. If I-I h-hadn't maybe-maybe . . . "
I sobbed and I didn't realize that Logan was rubbing my back. I rested my head on his shoulder for comfort and he didn't seem to mind. He remained silent for a while until I stopped crying.
Tell me Liz, did I unknowingly kill you?
"No Joy, you didn't," Logan said softly, snapping me out of my thoughts. "We're quick to blame ourselves when something happens to the people we care about. It wasn't your fault, it was her decision. Her choice. You didn't make that decision for her, she did it by herself. It wasn't a bad decision, nobody could have predicted the future. It was what she thought would be the best for her."
"But I could have given her hope when she needed it," I whispered and I could feel his shoulders slumping.
"You could have, but every person you come across, every person you're close to, isn't your responsibility. You both weren't so close these past days and that's why you couldn't see what she needed. Again, it's not your fault that you couldn't see, it's not. If she would have asked for your support, I'm sure you would have given it to her," he said, his voice not once faltering and gently stroked my back. "Are you listening to me?"
"Yeah, I'm and I understand. I was not crying out of guilt, I was crying out of frustration, out of anger that I could have done something," I said in a squeaky voice and he just hummed in response. "But now I know that I didn't have anything to do with her decision, she would have never allowed me to make her decision just like she didn't allow Katherine. Still, I can't stop crying. I-I miss her so much and I feel like I should continue grieving for her."
"Why?" His eyebrows knotted in confusion as I straightened my posture and glanced at him."Eliza loved you and when a person loves you, they don't want to see you in pain. Stop crying now, Joy."
He was staring at me intensely and I stopped sniffing.
I inhaled deeply and said, "Okay, I won't cry anymore, you're right. But sometimes, you-you need to listen to your own advice Logan."
His forehead creased. "What?"
"The thing that you're doing to yourself-the pain you're going through. The people who love you and care about you--- "
"No one loves me," he bellowed and I shook my head.
"I do. I love you like I loved Eliza and I do care about you. I do care about you a lot," I said softly and he averted his eyes to the floor.
"Stop saying that. You don't need to say that out of pity--- "
"No, I do care about you. You're precious Logan, don't think otherwise."
"Stop!" He suddenly raised his voice and I flinched. He got up swiftly and strode towards the desk to pick up a newspaper. Not just any newspaper, but the newspaper where the article of his family's death in the car crash was published.
* * *
A/N :
Joy saying that she loves Logan, it wasn't anything romantic yet, but purely friendly.