I was grateful for school. Not only did I have an excuse to get out of that stuffy house, but I also got a chance to see Fox. Pathetic, I know. My mom and I weren't speaking, not that I saw her much. Dad wasn't saying much either. I suspected he heard us screaming at each other the other day.
School, however, was a disappointment to say the least. Fox and I didn't make eye contact. At all. Nor did we sit together at lunch. I didn't really expect him to, though. When Nick and Lily agreed to stay apart, that obviously made no room for the exception of friendship.
"Dude, what's his deal?" Lily asked, glaring in Fox's direction. Since health class was a real bore today, I took the liberty of filling her in on my vacation. She didn't take it well.
I shrugged in response. "I don't expect him to be all over me, Lil."
"Yeah, well I do," she said, stabbing at her chicken nuggets. "The way you described your winter break, he's just about ready to take the next step in whatever it is that you two are." I angled my jaw, processing her words.
"So unless you lied about your vacation – and that kinda detailed-lying takes skill – he's hiding from you," she said quietly but insistently. I wanted to tell her she was wrong. But how could I do that when I was so lost in all of this? Maybe she was right. I hoped she wasn't. Lily smiled weakly.
"I don't know anymore," I sighed, shoving my plate aside. "If he's hiding, he can't do it for long 'cause we've got red cross today."
"Nail the bastard," Lily laughed.
The bell rang.
***
Annoyed would suffice for an adjective when talking about my mood at the center; he still was ignoring me. Desperate times called for desperate, intriguing measures. I sat there on the counter, yes, on the counter, swinging my legs back and forth. Fox was mopping. Very discreetly, I unbuttoned the three buttons on my polo, exposing what skin I could. It wasn't overly revealing, but I figured he'd notice. But he didn't say a word. He didn't smirk. Didn't acknowledge me at all.
"Emery!" Nina scolded. "Off the counter, please." I jumped off, trying to smother the growl in my throat. Fox was living in his own freaking world.
"Fox, Emery," Nina said, "Storage. The new equipment just came in." Okay, I thought nervously. I anxiously stepped into that little room. He got right to work, like the good little boy he usually wasn't. I started lifting a few boxes of my own, deciding to put them on the highest shelves. Ultimately, I ended up on my toes. The heavy box was bending back the tips of my fingers.
"Hey Fox," I said softly, trying not to reveal how much I was struggling.
He was right next to me. Turning his head slowly, his eyes met mine for the first time all day. Ahh, the satisfaction. Now if I could just get him to relieve the pressure on my fingers...
"A little help?" I squeaked helplessly. He remained where he was. That sly smile playing on his lips, and he crossed his arms. I gaped at him. He couldn't be serious. "Dude, seriously," I warned, "I'm about to drop it."
"Go ahead," he smirked, leaning against the shelf. Testing his confidence, I was mere seconds from dropping my hands and ducking. But Fox came to the rescue, right behind me. He easily pushed the box to the safety of the shelf. I sighed in relief.
When I heard him laughing, I turned around and smacked his arm. He stopped laughing instantly, and grabbed my arms. My breath hitched as he looked me up and down.
"You," he breathed, "are such a tease."
"Am not," I responded both quickly and defiantly.
He smiled. "I beg to differ."
"Keep begging," I muttered. He moved closer. Is it a bad thing that I'm starting to enjoy our little games?
"I'd button up," he warned, glancing down at my shirt, "Wouldn't want you getting sick."
I ignored his suggestion, and let a question slip. "Why've you been ignoring me?" I asked, staring into his eyes. I was searching for an answer. And although I didn't find it, I enjoyed watching those gold flecks glimmer in a sea of deep green.
"That is a great question."
"I know. Where's your great answer?"
"Wait," he said, trying not to smile, "That really got to you, didn't it?"
"You would turn this around," I huffed, rolling my eyes but blushing nevertheless.
"It killed you not getting attention from me," he concluded.
"Conceitedness is something you have a little too much of, my friend."
He paused for a second, mulling over my words. "I like to think of it as one of my better qualities," he shrugged.
"And is pretending people don't exist a talent?" I teased, successfully sounding casual. He continued lifting boxes while I checked off supplies on the sheet attached to a cold metal clipboard.
"I wasn't pretending you don't exist, Emery."
"Could've fooled me, buddy."
"I thought you'd want your space."
"Why would you think that? After I asked you to hangout recently." He clenched his jaw and didn't speak.
"You like space, Emery," he finally said.
"Quite the contrary, I love being around people," I said, scribbling a few more notes on the sheet. I neglected to see him stand and move closer to me.
"Oh?" he questioned, closing in on me. "Then why do you freak out when I'm around you?" Because you're a handsome guy who I want to like me as much as I like you, which you obviously never will. "See," he continued, "when you were drunk you had no problem coming at me like this, asking me to kiss you and giggling and tugging me into the be–"
"That's 'cause I was intoxica–" I tried to interject.
"Most people would agree that the truth comes out when you're drunk, though," he said, a hint of something unreadable in his eyes. My first thought was that it was a smirk, but at second glance it was more serious than his usual expression. I bit my lip, completely at a loss for words. His gaze flickered to my lips as I did so, and then came back up to meet my gaze.
"Is it true, Em? Do you want to kiss me?" he asked softly, with intrigue. "Are you interested in that sort of conduct?" Yes, sir. I am very, very interest-
"Am I interrupting anything?" Nina asked, smiling devilishly. "Just making sure things are okay."
"They're fine," I said, moving around Fox to lift the last box and place it on the top shelf. I hadn't noticed her peeping her head in. Fox moved to help me, but I forced the box up and over before he got the chance.
"I think I got it," I said meekly, before heading for the door.
"I'll leave it up to you, my friend," he called as I left the room and returned to the desk. I was sort of shaking as I collected my things.
"Nina, I've got something to take care of," I told her on my way out. She nodded and said it wasn't a problem. I set out for Lily's house on that frosty January afternoon.
***
"Dude! You came here of all places, when you could've been making out with Fox in the storage closet?" Lily asked incredulously. "Are you effing kidding me?"
"Lily!" I laughed, "C'mon. You're supposed to help me."
"I am helping you, get your ass back there and grab him by his hair and say, 'Fox, baby, angel face, I want you to–'"
"Lily!"
"Sorry," she giggled, "You know I'm just playing. Sort of. The thing with Fox, Emery, is he doesn't really date. You know that. He tried it out early on and I guess it didn't work for him. It's not really like he got hurt by one particular girl and vowed to never commit again or anything, it's just... I don't know, I guess he never found anyone that he wanted to stick with. So don't take offense if he doesn't outright tell you he digs you, 'cause we all know he does. Just get to know him some more. I can tell you're not ready to make any confessions any more than he is."
"I get the whole never finding anyone to stick with," I nod, kind of breathing a sigh of relief at her comments. "But with him, it's completely different. And I hate liking him so much Lily, I really do. I feel like an idiot 'cause I get so excited when he's around and I love talking to him and when he smiles...God. If I was a dog, my tail would be wagging nonstop around him." I blushed at my own stupid, mushy self.
Lily shoved me and laughed lightly. There was a distinct hint of sadness in that chuckle. "Oh don't I know that feeling."
"It's a wonderful feeling, Lil," I said quietly, "I can only imagine how wonderful when it's returned."
She stared off at the hardwood floor with her knees pulled up to her chin. I think she knew what I was getting at. "If you still love him... why do you keep pushing him away?" I tested as gently as humanly possible. I didn't want to pry, but I figured she'd been holding this back and had no one to talk to about it.
"Do you know you're my only friend in this town, Em?" she asked quietly. I noticed her eyes were red-rimmed. "It's because when I broke up with Nick, everyone turned against me. That's what sucks about high school relationships, everyone knows everything and they judge the shit out of you for it. So if you're gonna risk it – be prepared, okay? This guy better be worth it."
"Was Nick worth it?" I questioned.
She rolled her lips once, as if she were spreading lip-gloss and nodded. "Yeah," she faintly whispered with an equally faint smile. "He was perfect. Completely perfect for me. I don't remember ever being so happy. But that one night when we got into that accident, and it tested us. I forgave him on the spot, but he was so sorry, Emery. It ate him up. I don't think I've seen anyone more genuinely sorry. I didn't see him much because I needed physical therapy for my leg and my dad was pretty pissed about the whole thing, but things worked themselves out. And then... um," she paused, stuck on her next words.
"Lily, I'm right here," I told her, watching as a tear slipped down her cheek. I was about ready to cry too; I hated seeing her so torn up. "I'll stay all night if I have to; you need to let everything out."
"I had this horrible pain," she breathed, wiping a few stray tears and continuing on, "in my stomach, and I started bleeding. It was weird, 'cause I thought I had my period the week before. I didn't really pay attention to it but it got so bad, and I just dropped in the kitchen after dinner that day. I told my mom and she took me to the doctor. She asked me a lot of questions, my doctor, and she seemed pretty confident in what she was telling me," she was sobbing at this point. I moved closer to Lily and hugged her.
"You lost it," I guessed, thinking back to health class in the beginning of the school year.
She let it all out, shaking silently into my shoulder. "Two months," came a muffled cry. Tears welled in my eyes and I hugged her as tightly as I could until my right shoulder was completely soaked and she pulled away. "All I could think about was what I would've named him or her... if she'd have Nick's eyes or if he'd have my thick hair, my stubborn head or Nick's sense of humor..."
"You never told him," I guessed again. She shook her head 'yes', and a fresh batch of tears formed in her already glossy eyes. "Did you ever tell anyone?" She shook her head again 'no' this time, and continued to cry. It was a quieter cry, but I could tell it'd be a long one.
"Why not?"
"I was ashamed," she shrugged helplessly. "I didn't want my family being disappointed. I didn't want my friends thinking badly of me. I didn't want pity from anyone."
"Nick wouldn't have felt any of that," I reasoned.
"Nick would've blamed himself, because it happened about a week after the accident. He would've said it stressed me out and he would've never forgiven himself," she explained. "I didn't want him to feel guilty for something my body just couldn't handle."
"Lily, a miscarriage is something nobody should deal with on their own. It's too much for one person," I said, hugging her again. She cried some more.
"I know," she said. "But I couldn't do that to him."
"It wasn't your fault, or your choice. He deserves to know," I told her. "I know it's difficult, and it always will be. But that boy loves you just as much as he did then, and it's killing him not knowing what he did to make you push away like you did. If anyone could've helped you through all this, it's him."
"You're helping me now," she sniffed sheepishly.
"I'm not the guy that wants to be with you, though," I laughed. "I'm glad you can tell me all of this, Lil, 'cause you're one of my best friends but you need to tell him."
"I know, Emery, I know," she said calmly. "But it's just going to break us both all over again."
"You'd have to be fixed to break all over again."
"Gee, thanks."
I laughed a little. "Lil, if anything, I think this is what could give you guys a chance to fix each other." She looked almost hopeful as she chewed on her lip in thought.
She finally looked at me. "I have to tell him today, because I'll chicken out tomorrow. Thank you so much, Emery, I don't know what I would do without you. I know I can totally trust you and you won't judge me."
"Never ever," I promised. "Good luck with everything, Tiger. It's going to be hard, but he deserves the whole story."
"Before you go," she asked, "can you wait until after I call him over? I don't think I'm strong enough to do it unless you're here staring me down."
"Of course," I laughed, putting on a serious staring face as she dialed his number with shaky hands. I held one while she put the phone to her ear with the other.
"Hey, Nick," she said softly. She cleared her throat and squeezed my hand. "Could you, uh, please come over? I um – there are things that I haven't been able to tell you up until now. Things you deserve to know."
I nodded, hugging her reassuringly and walking to the door. "You are the strongest person I know, Lily," I whispered. "Call me after, okay?"