Jaida
Dear God?
Forgive me for I chose ruin and believe me when I say, he is not the first wish of mine that never came true
Forgive me for I feel nothing but blue, for I doubt anyone will come to my rescue.
Forgive me for my knees buckled and gave in, for the lungs that tightened right on cue
Forgive me for the mess I make as my fragile heart shatters, it's a shame that the ones you love can either save or destroy you
Forgive me for I chose ruin and believe me when I say, he is not the first wish of mine that never came true
It's hard to forget how a young atheist resorted to God to solve her pain.
I couldn't possibly try to describe the hurt I felt once I realized that the one person I valued the most had become a stranger. A stranger who never wanted me in the first place. A stranger who didn't see the pain he was causing. Pain that engulfed me entirely. I defended him so loyally when Sheila would recall her memories of him.
He wasn't there when I was born. He never picked me up from school. He was not around.
This is someone I held over my own mother. Someone who I defended even when committing the worst against me. I never told my mother that I remembered. I remembered everything so clearly. I may have been a child, but how could I forget?
How could I forget that I was only seven-years-old? Mother and I were separated once they divorced. He, who never picked me up from school had shown up at the gates a little too early. An hour later, we picked up his sister with our bags in our car and then we were at the airport. Kidnap, Sheila had called it, but I smiled all throughout the flight. Why?
Because he was spending time with me. Because I was wanted by my father. Because I believed I proved myself worthy of his love. Because he told me that mother would join us later. Because I was a naive little girl who had put her father on a fucking pedestal that he never deserved.
Then my aunt told me that my mother didn't want me. Brutally honest, I'll give her that much. The smile on my face and the trust I built had gotten smaller.
We travelled inter-state with no plans for the near-future. He hadn't planned a place to stay or a means of income. So his sister went back to their parent's house. He dropped me off at a friend's house and he went to 'work' with his friends. I didn't stay at that friend's house for long. Over the next year, I had no home. Seven-years-old and I was homeless. Unlike TomTom is, I wasn't as cheery. I would cause trouble for every family I stayed with till my father had to drop me off with his sister.
I had never appreciated someone so much till my aunt took me in. But even that didn't last. Nothing ever did.
She was much worse than my own father.
Call me Mum.
But mothers aren't meant to kick their kids out when they couldn't handle them. At least not when they are just nine-years-old. But this mother of mine did. Mothers should protect their children, she fucking didn't. But then again it was my fault. I shouldn't have had high hopes. I already established that love is not unconditional. My mother hadn't called me in three years and my father couldn't bear to spend more than five minutes with me. My mum didn't know where I was and had no way of contacting me and my father was just too busy.
But I still smiled widely at him when he got begged to come and see me. I still kissed the floor he walked on. I always did.
I wasn't just deranged, I was weakening my mental health day-by-day. I developed two types of anxiety, a panic disorder as well as post-traumatic stress disorder. The cherry on top was the crippling depression I never wore on my face. I smiled even when I looked in the mirror and saw the scar on my chest. Nine-years-old and death never sounded so fucking good.
Here I was now. One would think I'd be strong than ever. But as I opened the drawers to rummage my collection of makeup. My eyes and fingers trace an orange bottle.
Effexor XR; 75mg
I hadn't touched the bottle in months and vowed not to. It wasn't the best medication to take. At least not for me. I still kept it just in case. And right now, was a fucking case. I popped out two tablets, dipped my head back and swallowed them dry.
I caught my reflection as I looked back down. The vanity light streamed down my bare shoulders as I wore a skimpy red cropped halter top. My eyes were heavy on my face. My nose was puffy and my skin tone was paler than normal. So I picked brush after brush, palette after palette to paint my face into beauty for the night.
I messaged Rose to join and once I didn't look like death, I locked the front door and walked the fifteen minutes to Rose's. It was only 6 in the evening but that meant happy hour at the pub. And I definitely needed a drink. or twenty. Walking up to her house, I see a joyous Luke at her front doorstep hugging a goodbye to a pantless Rose.
He walked down her drive and caught my eye. "Jaida, you look hot tonight," he wolf whistled at me once I reached her house fence.
What happened to shy Luke? Rose probably fucked it away.
I dramatically bowed. "Thank you, I aim to please," I waved at him.
Standing at the front steps was Rose donned in just a flimsy oversized shirt, that no doubt belonged to Luke. She was grinning ear-to-ear beckoning me over.
Leaning against the brick walls of her house, I shot her a look of surprise. "Want to explain the massive smile on your face and why Luke was humming all the way to his car?" I interrogated her with a smirk lining my lips.
Her eyes were wild and her hair was dishevelled. She seemed like she could barely contain her excitement. I was ready to ask her for the dirty details when her mouth opened and she uttered out the unexpected. "I just got fucked in the ass Jaida!" She exclaimed.
My jaw dropped. That was the last thing I expected her to say. I was so surprised that I could barely form words. "H-h-he what?" I rasped.
"Don't just stand there. Come inside. I need to get ready," she pulled my hand and dragged me up the stairs. "I've been really busy this week with the wedding and the café so when Luke said he'd come over today, I was ready for some solid fucking. So one thing led to another and we ended up making out on my bed," she started describing her eventful evening.
"Right,"
"Jaida. Remember when we watched Fifty Shades of Black? Well-"
"Nooo, no way. Don't bullshit me," I cut her short with my eyes basically bulging out of my head.
"- Don't fucking interrupt. I was trying to say his dick may as well have felt that big. So I was choking and gagging on it and milking it with my pussy. Then the idea popped into my head. Even my horoscope had asked me to be adventurous today," she continued.
"I don't think this was the adventure it was talking about, but continue,"
"If you saw his fucking dick, you'd want that shit balls deep inside your glory hole too, hon. So I told him I want to try it and he was more than eager to please," she said grinning like a Cheshire cat.
I shook my head vigorously, disgusted. Not at anal sex but at the idea of having sex with Luke. He wasn't my type, at all.
My eyes shifted to her ass when she turned her back to me and peel on her black clear stockings. "Did it hurt?" My nose scrunched in pain just imagining it. She turned around, tugging the stockings up her hips. She shook her head no. "At first, yes. We finished my strawberry lube. My ass was coated in that shit. It was fucking amazing though. He was really gentle about it too," she said. She grabbed her black heels off the floor. "I definitely recommend it," she added.
I turned to exit her room when a thought occurred to me. "You were safe, right? I know you're on the pill but you did put on a condom right?" I asked peering over my shoulder to look at her.
"Yes, mother. A new condom for each hole," she replied, rolling her eyes. She stood up in her four-inch heels and winked at me. "You should ask Xavier to fuck your ass. Rough. Just the way you like it," she smiled smugly. "Now, let's fucking go cunt."
I can't afford to fuck Xavier. Not anymore. He doesn't seem like a one-night stand person.
I was a one-night stand girl. Tonight I would prove that.
Walking into the bar, I surveyed my surroundings. The dim lights and soft jazz music magnified the cool atmosphere. The place was littered with couples, groups of women and men as well as the lone strangers. The lone strangers were the ones I liked to pick. They were a lot less of a hassle compared to toying with people in groups, making it the easiest way to pick up dick.
Now, I wasn't the kind of girl that sits at the bar sipping on martinis waiting for someone to make a move. If I don't get cornered while buying myself a drink then, I like to advance on to my targets with my drink in hand. I had my usual tactics.
I followed Rose and sat down on a bar stool. As she ordered our drinks, my eyes wandered through the faces in the bar. Sitting in his lonesome was a man with broad shoulders and rigid posture. Sipping on a Corona, his blonde mop of hair fell over his blue eyes. His face had strong and masculine features; bushy eyebrows, a crooked nose that most likely got broken at one stage of his life and a sharp jawline. His facial expression built a sombre aura to him. I observed how his foot tapped on the floor, how his eyes watched the sparkles in his beer, how his hands traced the icy surface of his glass bottle. I was sensing a mysterious vibe from him.
His eyes shifted to mine. His dark blue gaze settled on me. I didn't turn away. A slow and deliberate smirk grazed my face when his eyes swept down my body.
I didn't take my eye off of him as I excused myself from Rose, "I'll be right back."
a/n: I went from crying at the start to pursuing my lips from calling Rose nasty.