It was so strange sitting across from Natalie, having a glass of wine with her in a sleek, modern pub. It was a huge step up from the dirt-cheap alcopops we used to obsess over in the grimy student bar. We were much more grown up, yet somehow, I managed to feel more childish than ever. She looked like a real adult, with her gorgeous hair and expensive-looking clothes, nice nails and a face which looked like it took real time rather than cheap makeup shoved on in a rush. Our outfits of skinny jeans, black tops, and heels were almost identical, yet it was clear who was better off. Natalie really had it together, which was only highlighted by our conversation.
"So, yeah, that's how Harry proposed. On the beach in Bali just before Christmas, I totally wasn't expecting it. It's a shame he has to work and couldn't cope, I would love you to meet him. But then, I don't think anyone's bringing their partners anyway."
She flashed her ring at me again for added effect. The brightness of the jewel stung my eyes. Or maybe it was the agonising jealousy of everything it represented.
"That sounds so romantic. You must've been so happy."
"Well, as can be expected, Mum said it was too quick for me to get engaged, but we'd been together for almost a year by then. It isn't like I made a snap decision, I know what I'm doing. Honestly, I wish she'd just trust me."
There it was, another complex mother-daughter relationship. Only Natalie wouldn't get as bogged down by it as me. She let it roll off her like water on a duck's back.
"I'm sure she'll see at the wedding." I took a sip of drink, wincing at the bitter taste of wine. That never happened with the alcopops! "When is the wedding, by the way?"
"Oh, we aren't that far along with the plans. I'm not in any rush. For now, I'm just happy to be engaged." She sighed deeply with a small smile playing on the corners of her lips. "Anyway, we've done so much talking about me. We've talked about my job, my apartment, my love life...you must be getting sick of hearing it! Let's hear all about you."
My heart sunk, I got a heavy rock-like feeling in the pit of my stomach. Much as I knew this had to come eventually, I wasn't ready for it.
"Oh, there isn't much to tell really. I don't have an exciting life like yours."
"Come off it! You were the only one of us who had any chance of succeeding! Didn't you graduate, like, the best grades? You must've done something with that..."
"I work for a local newspaper."
"Oh, well that sounds amazing. You must really love it."
"Hmm, I don't know about that. It isn't exactly thrilling. Cornwall isn't exactly a journalist's dream."
"But, you're writing! You're going somewhere, you are..." She trailed off, seemingly sensing the sadness in my eyes. "Well, you and Scott must..."
"Nope." I had to interrupt her. No way I could go down road.
"Oh, right. I see, I guess I just thought..." She coughed uncomfortably. "Never mind, ey?"
"I had a car crash recently." I needed to say something and this was the only safe topic. "Not a horrific one, obviously considering, but bad enough."
"That sounds dreadful! What happened?"
Natalie leapt on this like it was her saving grace. I couldn't blame her, who'd want to discuss someone's boring, miserable life when their own was so wonderful?
"I don't know, really. I don't remember much of it. From what I've been told, the other guy's brakes failed which caused him to slam into the side of my car as I drove home from work." I shook my head thoughtfully. "Such a nothing day, a typical afternoon, and it quickly became very dramatic. It's just lucky I was stopped at traffic lights. That stopped it being fatal."
Even as I told the story, it felt like discussing something from the television rather than something that'd happened to me. There was such a disconnect in my heart, I couldn't put myself in situation however hard I tried.
"Wow, that's wild. That must've been really scary."
"I'm honestly not sure. Anyway, it made me realize I need to change a whole load of stuff, so I suppose it was good in some ways. I need to get a job I actually like and stop being in this rut. Hopefully that'll lead to me being happier. Like you are."
Natalie gave me a knowing look, I could feel the closeness we shared all those years ago coming back and I braced myself for a lecture, or at the very least some much-needed advice, but she thought better of it at the last minute and whatever she was about to say fell from her lips.
"I'm going to get some more drinks." She leapt up, much to my disappointment. "Same again, yeah?"
The sad fact was we didn't know one another in the same way anymore, so we couldn't really have in-depth conversations. Maybe once upon a time Natalie was my go-to girl, but things had changed loads for her. It wasn't fair of me to put my problems on her shoulders. She'd managed to make it into real-life as a functioning person. I was the one with the issues. I had Doctor Russ to talk to and myself to work things out. Natalie hadn't come to meet me to be my agony aunt.
If I didn't start having some fun, this night would go downhill rapidly. I needed to buck up, put all my life stuff to one side, and enjoy myself, for the sake of me and Natalie. If I didn't, I risked losing her friendship forever and that was the last thing I wanted. She'd only just come back. This tiny scrap of a friendship was all I had. I needed her far more than she did me, I couldn't afford to make a mess of things.
Suck it up and smile, I warned myself. Who knows when I'll have fun again.
By the time Natalie returned with drinks I had a brand-new attitude. Tonight, was no longer about talking through my problems until a resolution had been discovered, instead I'd forget them for a few hours instead. Why the hell not?
***
"What time is it?" The music thumped louder than my words. "And where the hell are we?"
"Why is it past your bedtime?"
Natalie threw her head back and roared with laughter at her own joke. I couldn't resist joining in, her mirth was so infectious. There was a lightness to my chest I hadn't had in an extremely long time. Maybe it was the amount of booze I'd consumed throughout the night, or it could've been Natalie and the good time we'd had together. Either way, it felt amazing.
"Nah, I suppose not! Shall we dance?"
I grabbed Natalie and pulled her out onto the dancefloor. We threw our hands above our heads, shook our hips, and generally acted like there wasn't anyone watching us. So what if my eyes blurred a little and my head pounded? Who cared, it was only once!
"I really have missed you." Natalie leaned on my shoulder and called into my ear. "We used to have so much fun, didn't we? I thought we'd always keep in touch after uni because we were such good friends, but we didn't...that's a shame."
"We can keep in touch now, it doesn't matter. We can make up for it..."
Someone bumped into my back, almost knocking me flying. My heart raced as I turned, I half-expected to see someone I knew since there had to be others around in preparation for tomorrow, but it wasn't. Surprisingly, I found myself looking at a guy who dragged his tongue along his bottom lip as if he wanted to eat me.
"Get the hell out of here!" Natalie snarled, nearly shoving him backwards. "She's not interested in a creep like you. Look at her, she's gorgeous. Obviously, she has a boyfriend."
As I watched Natalie in action, a giggle bubbled upwards. This moment reminded me of the very first night I met her when something quite similar happened. She couldn't ever seem to keep her fiery temper in check.
I hoped back then some of it would rub off on me. If only it had.
"Honestly, who the hell does he think he is?" Natalie shook her head and tutted. "We must be getting into creep hour. I think we're too old to deal with that now, we're twenty-six for goodness sake." She linked her fingers through mine and dragged me away. "Come on, let's go back to the hotel and have some drinks there."
That suited me just fine. I only wanted to hang out with her anyway, the rest of it was simply unnecessary noise. Fun, but I didn't need it.
"Whoa!" As the cool night air hit me, I noticed how drunk I actually was. "Oops, I think going back might be a good idea. How far from the hotel are we?"
"I think it's just around the corner. I wasn't too tipsy when we got to the club so I tried to choose wisely..." As we found the building she pumped her fists in celebration. "Yes! I knew it. I'm such a legend."
"You really are. Now let's get inside."
We raced through the reception area of the hotel and took the stairs two at a time. Now the idea of bed wasn't too far away, I couldn't wait to crash into it. I wasn't even sure I had the energy to take my clothes off. Maybe it was past my bedtime after all.
"I'm so tired!" I yelled as we fell into the room. "Why am I so tired? We aren't that old, are we?"
"'Fraid so! Somewhere along the line we ended up the ancient people we swore we'd never be." Natalie flung herself onto her bed at the same time I did mine. "Crazy, huh?"
I breathed deeply and tried to focus my eyes. With my hands folded behind my head and booze swirling in my stomach, I felt like growing older might not be such a bad thing. For the first time, I didn't mind becoming an adult. It was the insecurities of being a teenager causing all the issues I had. Going back would be terrible.
"Yeah, it certainly is crazy."
"You know what's mental?" Natalie propped herself up onto an elbow to face me, so I did the same. "And I hope you don't mind me talking about it. I assume it isn't something that worries you now it's so long gone."
"What's that?"
I had no idea what was coming my way. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have allowed this box to open.
"I always thought you and Scott would end up together. I know things went wrong and it all got fucked up somehow, but I assumed you'd work it out. I thought the intense examination of uni ruined it for you. Like, without everyone watching you obsessively and piling the pressure on, you'd be able to make it work."
My blood froze and I visibly stiffened. Couldn't she see the agony spread across my cheeks at the mere mention of his name? I parted my lips, trying to say something, but I didn't know where to begin.
"You were just perfect together. Don't you remember, I always used to call him your lobster?"
"Erm, yes, I do remember," I gasped desperately. "But no, we haven't spoken since university."
"Oh, my goodness, isn't it going to be super awkward when you see each other tomorrow? I didn't realise it was like that between you. Is he even going?"
It was time to confess the truth, even if I didn't want to ruin what'd been an awesome night. Natalie needed to know my plan.
"I don't know if he's going, but..." I looked over her head towards the bathroom so I didn't have to see her disappointment. "I'm not. I can't face him."
"What? Are you serious? Then why did you come?"
"I wanted to see you, of course." I gave her the brightest smile I could muster considering the situation. "I don't care about anyone else, I wanted to have tonight."
I could tell Natalie wasn't going to take that, but I had to remain strong. I'd made the right decision. I had to stick to it, no matter what.