That night, that sweatshirt stayed untouched. My covers weren't dry, so I slept with just a mattress - wrapped in a blanket like a burrito.
Sleeping was really hard to do. Something big happened in my life - I had my first heartbreak. I lost my virginity on my birthday. Birthday sex was harmless. That was until the next day, he dropped me like a ball.
Do you know how it feels to feel worthless? Like you meant nothing to a person at all? I fucking hated Logan. If I ever saw his sorry ass again, I thought in anger, he's gonna know how worthless he made me.
I did manage to cry myself to sleep at three in the morning.
Thursday
At first, I wondered why there were salt stained tears on my pillow. Then, the black sweatshirt in the corner reminded me.
Instead of breaking into tears, I stared at it unnervingly. It was a friendly reminder of the morning before, and the night two days before that. God, I still reply how I dumb I felt when he left.
He wasn't supposed to leave. He was suppose to love me and enjoy being naked.
I shuttered. Logan saw me naked and I couldn't take it back. I loved the bastard, too. I fucking love him.
"Hazel." Mom spoke softly as she opened my door. Evan let in Carly, Mom, and Zach on my situation with Logan after I confessed to him.
I lifted my head to meet Mom's concerned face.
"Do you feel up for school today?"
"Yes." No way was I letting Logan know I avoided school because of him. I had to stay strong, even though I was broken on the inside.
"Okay, I'll take you to school."
I took a long hot shower. I pulled on black jeans, a gray 'Stay Positive.' pull over, and red uggs. Mom drove me in the family van and gave me small talk.
I dreaded walking around school. School was now the one place I absolutely hated. I hated it because Logan had to go, too. It was great that Addy didn't - that'd be unbearable. I had to watch Logan go on with his life, while I still loved him and needed him.
When I get to my locker, I forget Miranda is mad at me.
"Hey Mir."
"Don't call me that." She spat.
I wanted to cry all over again.
There was no good part to my day. Miranda ignored me, I didn't see Logan throughout the day, and I sat alone at lunch.
Miranda was nowhere in sight and Aiden, Quinn, and Josh were back to sitting together. They were all talking and laughing.
Did they not see me hurting?
At the end of the day, I'm ready to relax. Logan and I share Art, but I didn't see him at all today. After lunch, I did see that Miranda and Aiden were together - that made me wince.
Sadly, I don't have any friends in my last hour. Most of the time, Logan and I partnered up and had the best paint fights. Mrs. Batista still doesn't like us because of our last one.
It almost hurt to walk over to my canvas and see my water paint from last week. Logan helped me with it. I wasn't an artsy person, so I had no idea what the hell it was. It was yellow, orange, and red in a blob. I'm going to name it a sunset.
"Feeling crafty today?" Mrs. Batista asked sarcastically when I sat on my stool.
I gave her a blank stare.
"Okay then..." She walks away awkwardly.
I sigh in relief when Mrs. Batista starts class and Logan's seat remains empty.
The door opens, in walking a late person. I don't bother to check. 'Just wallow in your sadness, Hazel.'
"Nice of you to join us, Mr. Holster," Mrs. Batista said.
I dared myself to look up and meet the side of Logan's face. Was it just me or did Logan get hotter? His hair was black and disheveled. His green eyes were murky with unreadable emotions, and he wearing tight jeans, a tight polo, and clean white Converse.
His muscles were busting under his shirt and jeans.
I almost cried again. The sight of him had me wanting to kiss him all over and remembering last night, those muscles rippling under me.
Now...he was all but a fucking asshole.
"Sorry." He muttered. He sat in his seat, completely oblivious to the stares he got. His style changed for the better. But for who? Addy?
My heart stung at the thought.
Throughout class, he didn't look in my direction. And I tried not to do the same. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him just sit on his stool and stare into space.
When Mrs. Batista came by, he pretended to water his paintbrush.
I sighed quietly. When would this torture end?
By next week, my mood wasn't getting any better. I think it got worse thanks to having no friends, Logan's spontaneous show ups, and the constant Aiden/Miranda moments.
Mom thought a therapist would do the trick, so I find myself sitting in those standard therapy chairs where you're laying back. A young woman, around the age of twenty, was sitting sideways with a clipboard in her hand. She has blond dreads in a stylish way, a lot of eye makeup, and small blue eyes.
I'm starting to question whether she's an actual therapist or not when she doesn't directly ask, "How are you feeling?" Should I be grateful or scared?
"Here's the deal," She started when I lay down. "My name's Catherine - call me Cat, I'm only nineteen, and your Mum's under the impression that my aunt's counseling you, but since she's sick - I'm gonna try to be your therapist."
I was intrigued by her Australian accent, so I don't complain.
"So you're in here for...depression issues?" Cat reads aloud.
Thanks Mom. You've got people thinking I have depression issues.
"I guess," I replied.
"You guess?" She laughed. "You don't think you're depressed, yes?"
"Does feeling heartbroken the same thing as feeling depressed?" I stared at the white ceiling. This would be the places I wondered off to for the next few hours.
"This changes everything," She exclaimed, tossing the clipboard over her shoulder.
I peer at her quizzically. "Why?"
"Because," She leans forward. "I know what you're going through!"
"You do?"
"Of course," Cat laughs again. "You don't think I've went through shitty relationships?"
"But...my relationship wasn't shitty..."
"Your heart is broken, isn't it?"
Cat had a point, again. I guess I'm not the only one. Of course! How could I think like that? A girl's probably getting her heart torn right at the moment.
"Exactly," She continues. "There are a gazillion of people out there who are just like you."
"Feeling like an idiot?"
"Correct!"
I sigh. "Why am I here again?"
"Look," Cat's voice grows serious. I turn to meet her bright blue eyes. "I know it seems like you're never gonna get out of this...hiatus, but you will. I've been through this more than ten times. It gets better." She smiles sincerely.
"You've had more than ten heartbreaks?" I asked in shock.
Cat nods slowly and crosses her legs Indian style. "The perfect someone hasn't come yet."
"Ten?" I widened my eyes.
"Thirteen." She confirms. "Life can be cruel."
"Thirteen?" I squeak. Having to go through what I was going through at the moment thirteen times with thirteen other guys left me feeling sort of numb.
"Sadly, it was the same person."
I bit my finger.
"Yes." Cat nods, her face turning neutral. "I loved the person, they said all the right things, and we went back and forth until I finally moved to the states."
"You're from Australia?"
"Yeah," She smiled wryly. "How'd you know?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but she laughed. "Just kidding with you, mate," She laughed harder. "Anyway, Alana wasn't good for me. I was just too blind to see through the bullshit."
"Alana? That's a weird name for a guy."
Cat crinkled her eyebrows. "Alana is a girl..."
"Oh." I clamp my mouth shut.
"It's been donkey's years since I've seen her." She looked up in memory. "I still miss her, but..." She trails off, sniffs, and turns back to me with a half-grin, "Moving on!"
"What's there to say?" I asked. "My boyfriend cheated on me after we had sex, and now I'm a mess?"
"Wait." Cat looked intrigued. "You gave it up and he cheated on you?"
"The very next day," I replied, my voice cracking on the end.
"Oi!" she exclaims. "That's horrible!"
"Actually," I shift until I'm comfortable. "We said 'I love you' for the first time, had sex, and then the next morning he left my house and I find him twenty minutes later - fucking another girl."
"Ooooh," Cat winced.
"Yeah," I wiped the tiny tears away.
"How do you feel?"
So much for that question....
"No, no, no!" Cat says, noticing my irritable expression. "Not at the moment. How'd you feel when said boyfriend left so quickly?"
"Confused," I replied instantly. "Wondering why he left when I gave up what I can't take back, because I trusted him to love me and-"
"Wait, hold up, please?" Cat stopped me.
I clamped my mouth shut while she massaged her temples. I was afraid that I'd annoyed her from my sob story. I was kind of annoying myself, too.
"Before I judge, how old are you?"
"I turned seventeen two days ago."
"Wait again!" her blues eyes widened in shock. "You guys had birthday sex?!"
I nodded.
"A-and...he cheated on you the day after your birthday?"
I think I just explained that, but whatever. Cat was obviously interested into this sob story other than making me feel better.
"Wow." Cat said, clearly blown away. "That's fucked up."
Ain't it, Jay?