I lie right in the middle of my cage, staring up at the ceiling. It's old and rusty, but not enough to give in and fall down in my face. Its life hasn't ended yet. It makes me wonder what kind of life it is I long for. Can you miss a life you don't know for certain is yours? I understand what Cory meant when he said we all have bad days. I don't remember ever feeling so empty as I do right now.
Cory still refuses to look at me. He orders small groups of his men out to do rounds, searching for whatever it is they are looking for. I don't remember anymore. I just wish he would look at me instead of ignoring me.
It continues over the next couple of days. Cory hands out orders and otherwise eats his food in silence. It make it a point to stare at him as much as I can. He has to look at me at some point. We'll se who's more stubborn. So far there is no winner, but I'm not giving up yet.
There is another set of eyes staring at me sometimes. It's Jason. He follows Cory's orders, but every time he tries to talk to Cory, Cory waves him away. I guess I'm not the only one being ignored here. I can't quite make out the expression on Jason's face. Maybe it's exhaustion. Maybe it's worry. As far as I can tell, he used to be the guy everybody liked or looked up to at the very least. Maybe this life is solitary for him too.
There is cold despair running through my veins. It's the strongest I've ever felt. It's like I am a stranger in my own skin. I have no strength to get up. I can't move. I can't do anything. Not even when Sadie comes to my cage at nighttime. She looks sorry. Like she can tell that something is happening to me. The syringe is there again. I notice this time that there is some kind of dark liquid in it. She looks around to see if there's anyone watching. There isn't. Everyone else is sleeping.
I can feel it when the needle pushes through my skin and into my vein. My eyes widen and Sadie hushes me by putting a finger to her mouth. Lucky for her, I can't say anything even if I wanted to. I can only stay where I am, lying on the floor with the world spinning above me, faster and faster. I begin to feel the tremors sneaking up on me again and Sadie's figure retreats, putting away all evidence of her actions.
...
"Cory!" I'm almost certain he's heard me every single time I've yelled his name. He's bound to, but he still won't turn around and answer me. He's still pissed at me, but I am not giving up on him.
"Cory!!"I repeat, gaining the attention of everyone around. Yelling up the school stadium has never been a problem for me.
This is when he finally decides to show me his face. His eyes are red and hard as he waits for me to say something. He's tapping his foot in a demanding sort of way and isn't about to deal with any of my bullshit. I am definitely gonna have to work for this.
"What do you want, James?" he says like he wants to give up on me.
I'm not gonna let him. "I wanna talk," I answer as he crosses his arms, doing everything in his power to tell me to piss off without words. He even scoffs at me.
"Cor, I mean it," I continue. "I know I've been a real douchebag to you and I'm sorry! But you know what's coming! We all have to do something about it! I can't deny how important that is! But you should know what you mean to me as well! Especially, after all the time we spent together. All these pricks and blondes don't matter, it's not any of their business, but they'll always gossip anyway. I don't care if they do. I care about you and I really mean that. Cory, I know I'm a fucking idiot! You knew that from the start and I only proved it. I guess I can't change. But I still love you and I hope that counts for something."
He looks at me in despair, but his harsh attitude is fading away. "You just ruined you reputation," he tells me like it isn't obvious. I still don't care.
"To hell with that," I say and fight a smile. "I have you. Right?"
His arms uncross. "Because idiots like you need a brain. Yeah, I think I forgot about that for a second." I get to see him smile again and my heart melts. I'm fully aware that his only friend, the clever girl Sadie is staring at us wide-eyed until it turns into a smug smile. Her surprise doesn't even come close to beating the looks on my so-called bros' faces. They actually look like they've seen a ghost. Especially Jason. He seems to be in total shock over my actions when I take Cory's hand and give him an affectionate look. I lead him over to Jason with only a few words to say.
"It's true that I'm joining the forces and by what my father tells me so are you. And we're in the same squad. I hope we can keep up a friendly attitude between us despite... well, this. And if you still wanna be bros, I'll be glad to... although I think that's probably too much to ask of you right now."
When I'm about to turn around and leave, I feel my boyfriend tug my wrist so I turn toward Jason again. "Actually," Cory begins. "All three of us are gonna be in the same squad."
It takes a minute before the words sink in.
"What?" Jason and I say in unison.
Cory rolls his eyes. "You heard me," he says with a smile playing his lips. "I stopped by your house to talk to your dad last night when you were asleep. And as far as I've understood everyone who signed up from this school are in the same squad - at least for training. I don't know about after that."
There's not a time I've loved him more. I sweep him up in my arms and he bangs on my chest to make me put him back on his feet. "Are you serious?" I say, eyes like Christmas lights.
"Yes, you freak, now put me down before you turn me into a woman!"
I comply with a chuckle, but I don't completely let go of Cory. I stare at him and try to cherish how perfect he is.
Even Jason, who doesn't seem too happy about the idea, fights his demons and shakes Cory's hand. Then he turns to me. "Um," he begins awkwardly. "For what it's worth I think you made some brave decisions and, uh, I'll see around, okay?"
I reach out my hand, hoping he'll take it. "Definitely okay," I say. He takes my hand and with a nod, he disappears alongside our other teammates. So I decide to give my reputation the final blow by getting the satisfaction of kissing Cory in front almost every single person I know.
I love being alive.
...
A sharp light awakens me and my eyes hurt, I discover. The door to my cage is open and that Sadie is the one blinding me, Cory is shaking me, and Jason is trying to decide what to do. When they realize they haven't lost me, they let me lie on the ground and let me come to my senses.
"Hey," Cory says. "You still in there?"
I look into his eyes. Cory McDean, just 23 years old and already leading the most professional squad in General Alden's army. General Thomas Alden, who is my father and who refused to understand my relationship with Cory until he finally realized that I was serious about my boyfriend - which was after years. My mom - Elizabeth Alden - wasn't unwelcoming towards Cory. Having been raised in a conservative family, my relationship to Cory was something she needed to swallow to start with. Still, she has only ever been kind to him. Cory's dad, Jack, has always thought of his son as the most important person in life. He was kind to me even though he knew how I've treated Cory in the past. I used to push Cory around because I knew I could. Because he had this special way of looking at me. I was trying to convince myself it was all him, but in reality he has always been special to me. That's why I have to tell him the truth. Because now I'm sure what I've seen in those dreams is my past even if that life seems far behind me now.
Cory looks me over a few times, sensing a change in my demeanor. "For a moment there we thought we lost you. Sadie says she might be able to determine if there's something wrong with you. Is it okay if she takes a look at you?"
I nod. I remember that Sadie spent years training to be a scientist. She was often praised for her talent and she knows how to stitch people back together. It's either learning that or how to use a gun. You either help patch people up or you help protect everybody. I haven't forgotten the secrets Sadie is keeping, but I'm sure her intentions are good. That's why I allow it. Cory, Jason, and Sadie carry me to the rotten couch and the first thing I do is to turn my head towards Cory. He's not ignoring me now.
"It won't take long," he promises to me and sits down on a stool beside me. I am too caught up in staring at him that I don't pay much attention to Sadie who is starting her examination of me. She checks my eyes, straining to get my attention, then my ears, and my pulse. I notice how much clearer I can feel warmth streaming from another person. It's not so much the pulse beating like a drum in my ear like it used to. It's like the warmth slowly spreads through each of my cells where Sadie's hands touches my skin. She is very hesitant to touch me at first. Her hands are shaking and she looks nervous. At first she finds nothing on me, at least nothing to be measured. When she holds something cold over my chest, she stares at me with her eyebrows raised. I know she can hear something beat in there. It might beat slowly, but it beats all the same. I know it. I believe it.
To my surprise, Sadie chooses not to tell Cory and Jason. Instead, she just keeps on staring at me like I'm not real.
"Is something wrong?" Jason asks her. He looks from her to me and back again a couple of times. I wonder what is going through his mind right now. Jason didn't get a whole lot of A's back in high school, but he sure isn't stupid. He was always the first to support me when I needed it.
Sadie tears her eyes away from me to look at him. "Well, hard to say considering he's supposed to be dead," she responds swiftly and finishes her examination, quickly moving away from me. "He seems a little weak, but I can't find any physical explanation for it. So he's all yours."
Cory nods in something resembling disappointment. When he looks up, it is a half smile he gives me.
I decide now is my chance. "H-have to tell you--" I begin.
Cory and everyone else in the room are now staring at me in surprise and curiosity. All I can do is hope they will believe that I am James Calvin Alden.
"I-I dreamed too," I stutter. "You in it."
If Cory's eyes could widen much more they would to pop out of his head. "You had a dream?" he repeats.
I nod. "Yes," I say. "With you. All of you. Then s-started to rem-member-r..."
He lets out a nervous laugh. "What?"
I nod at him and get up from the couch slowly. They all take a step back. Cory moves so fast he doesn't get his walking stick with him. I don't mean to scare him, but he has to listen.
"T-think we had... s-same dream. Think we saw p-past."
The smile on his face is fading and he begins to shake his head rapidly, backing away from me. "What are you talking about?" he says breathlessly. He holds up a shaky hand as if telling me to stop.
I try to look earnest. "Dreams," I tell him. "T-true," I say with much difficulty. "James Calvin A-Alden. M-me."
He still won't understand it. "No!" he maintains. "James is dead! I don't believe you!" He begins to walk away again and I know I have to react fast to make him stay. I have to say something that'll make him believe.
"F-fairyboy!" I wheeze at him as loudly as I can. It's not loud at all, but at least it's a little louder than my normal whisper-talk.
And I swear have never seen anyone turn around that fast before. Not even a boney.
"You're a... a f-fairy boy," I repeat. "Shouldn't be s-seeing you. W-wrong..."
I hear a loud gasp coming from Sadie and see Jason in pure shock in the corner of my eye. Now they have their proof.
"Holy shit," Jason says, lowering his gun down.
Tears start to fall down Cory's cheeks. He gets confused, frustrated, angry, sad. It's like someone's punched him in the gut. He looks so scared.
"No," he whispers and stumbles a bit. "You're lying..."
Maybe he's known ever since he first saw me or suspected who I am. Maybe I was afraid to recognize it until now, but I can't deny it now. When I look at Cory it's like my dysfunctional heart wants to pop out of my chest and come to rest in his hands. I am still as drawn to him as I was the first time I saw him. I just want my life back and the right to hold his hand.
Jason approaches me and I'm almost convinced he's going to hit me. I'm sure if he did, I'd loose a limb or two that's how fragile I've become since I saw him last.
"Jay? Is that you?" He nearly touches me, but changes his mind about that.
"F-football," I say and a smile breaks out on his face.
"Jay, you son of a bitch! This is insane!" Jason exclaims like he still can't believe his own eyes. He grabs hold of me, shaking me a tad roughly. "Is that really you??"
I smile at him. " Y-you d-dis-o-b-beyed," I tell him and he frowns since it's no doubt the last thing he expects me to say.
"I'm sorry?"
"G-get su-pplies, then ba-ack?" I say.
He shakes his head, grinning. "Yeah, I know, I know, I'm sorry--"
The other guys from our squad are speechless, but they all look at me with recognition. They believe it too.
"OKAY, STOP LYING!!" Cory roars, hands rubbing his temples like he's attempting to massage this frustrating headache away.
He takes a few determined steps towards me. He begins to hammer his fist into my chest over and over again. "DON'T YOU LIE TO ME YOU COWARD!! DON'T YOU FUCKING LIE!"
I grab his wrists and try to calm him down, but he puts up a hell of a fight.
"DON'T YOU DARE!!"
This goes on until he sees the army dog tag I wear. He waits until I slowly let go of him before he reaches out and takes it in his hands. He wipes it clean and looks at me once before he reads it. He pushes my shirt down to expose the tattoo on my chest: I refuse to close my eyes.
"N-not lying," I try to tell him. I will keep on trying for as long as I have to. "Missed y-you."
The way he looks at me tells me everything is wrong. He can't process all this at once. It's too much. He shakes his head as tears continue to fall. Before I know it, Cory has turned his back at me and left the building without his walking stick - and without giving me the chance to tell him that he's my everything.
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A/N: First of all, thank you for reading. This story kinda wrote itself in my head one night, but getting it down on paper with the exact details in place is what I'm trying to do for every single chapter. I've written most of this while listening to Coldplay. Their music sets the scene just right for this story I think - or Nothing But Thieves, a new band I've discovered and which I'm loving to listen to!
I'd also love you to death (and beyond) if you leave me a comment and let me know what you think of this story :)
- MysteryOfWordsDK