I woke up alone for once. I nearly screamed in frustration. I was still alive. I felt myself die this time and yet here I am. Heart still beating, lungs still breathing, brain still functioning. I glanced down at my soiled shirt. I really needed a shower now. I turned my gaze to the sky. I'd say I haven't been passed out long. The moon had just started to rise. I can't judge just how long I was out, considering my watch broke the last time I 'died'. However, I remembered my phone.
I'd left it in my backpack when I went to the river. The staff at the hospital had returned my stuff to me when I was admitted. I patted my pockets, finding my phone in the right front pocket. I pulled it out and hit the lock button. It was just my luck that it had died. After all, I didn't have a charger with me and the hospital couldn't supply me with one. I sighed and shook my head. I really have the worst luck, don't I? I stood up, giving the pool of blood under me a frown. How can one person lose so much blood and still live?
Quickly, I peeled my shirt up. However, although there was a lot of blood, there wasn't a scratch on me. How could this be possible? I was shot and my head was bashed on a rock. Yet, not even one scar was left to show that those things happened. There was blood, of course, but nothing else. There wasn't even pain when I woke up afterwards. I didn't understand this and apparently neither did anyone else. But I didn't really care to know. After all, the whole point was that I wanted to die. Why couldn't the world just let me? Why did it insist on keeping me alive? So that I could suffer even more?
I groaned before leaving the alley. I didn't really want to go home, but I had nowhere else to go. Besides, I needed a shower. Maybe if I was careful, I'd be able to sneak in without them knowing. Hopefully, they'd both be asleep at this time. I was glad that the streets were virtually empty. I'd be really noticeable, walking around with a torn and bloody shirt. I was still careful, though. I did not want to get caught like this. The explaining I'd have to do. And even I didn't have a clue what was happening. Obviously, I couldn't die. But I had no idea if that was true. Maybe I could only die by one certain way? No matter what the answer was, I wasn't normal. Normal people died the first time. Then again, I'd never really been normal.
I finally made it back to my house. I slipped inside, being as quiet as possible. The house was silent and I hoped that was a good sign. I quickly hopped in the shower. The warm water cascading down my body relaxed my tensed muscles. I watched the red water run down the drain. I wondered where Haruki went to. He wasn't there when I woke up. Maybe I'd just imagined him. Considering I was dying at the time, it was probable. I scrubbed my body vigorously, making sure I washed away all the dried blood.
Dying really was a messy business. Then again, I guess it shouldn't be pretty. I was still determined to kill myself, but it would probably be hard. I would succeed, because I wouldn't give up until I did. Why did my life have to suck so bad? Did I piss off some god in another life or something? What did I do to deserve this? Then again, I was always a complete failure. And no one hesitated to point that out. School would start tomorrow. I wasn't looking forward to that, that was for sure. But, I couldn't avoid it forever. Otherwise, that nosy police officer would chase me down. I had to act normal for now. I snorted to myself. As if I even knew what that word meant.
I stepped from the shower. I risked a glance in the mirror. It was fogged up slightly, but not too bad. I didn't look any different. I wasn't pale or unusually skinny. I didn't look like I'd died twice in the past week. I looked just like I usually did. Well, at least the other kids couldn't make fun of me for that, too. I had enough problems. I stared at my reflection, wishing it to give me the answers I needed. I willed it to kill me and let me die for good. Of course, it did no such thing. I turned away, not being able to bear staring at my useless self any longer.
I threw on clean clothes and hung my towel around my neck. I exited the bathroom and snuck into my bedroom. It'd been a while since I'd slept in here. I plugged my phone in, frowning lightly at the blank screen. I carelessly rubbed the towel through my hair before tossing it to the floor and flopping on my bed. At first, I just lay face down, trying not to think. Naturally, that didn't work. I shifted my head to the side so I could breathe. My eyes were fixed blankly on the cream colored wall. I didn't have any posters or pictures in my room. At least, none that could be seen. Otherwise, mom would tear them down and burn them in front of me.
I punched my pillow, believing that it wasn't fluffy enough and that was why I couldn't sleep. Truthfully, I just had too much on my mind. I was never a good sleeper, considering my circumstances, but it was always worse when I had a lot to think about. I thought about everything that had happened this past week. It gave me a headache. I rubbed my neck a little bit before rolling onto my side. I thought about Haruki, how kind he was. I remembered his worried expression when I jumped off the bridge and when that thug shot me. I wondered why he cared one last time before I passed out.