Harry
After a few more days spent in Manchester, I'm more than certain that one more day with my sister would mean the end of our relationship. How we survived as children is beyond me, but as adults we are better off with some space between each other. Luckily we both agree on that and there's no sadness when I tell her my plans.
Those plans formed quick after a phone call to my old and first tattoo parlour I ever worked. Instead of letting the darkness win, and fly back to Palas to do God knows what, I decided that Alex was right. In time I'll feel normal again and I have to use my mother's fund to make that happen. It feels right to go back to my roots and build up from the ground in Brighton and then figure out what I want to do with the money.
"I'm going back to Brighton," I tell Liz as we sit on the couch watching Coronation Street. Usually she doesn't want to be bothered, but she makes an exception now. "Tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" She says, picking up the remote to pause. "Why so quick all of the sudden?"
"Because today we managed to have a fight about the colour green versus blue for your wall. I think it is time to let this place be your own again."
Liz looks a bit sad, but then nods pushing play again. "Well, just know you are welcome to stay whenever."
"I know," I say, lying down a bit and leaning on her shoulders as I do. "And I will."
"Why Brighton?" She wonders after a moment. "You're not going back to dad are you?"
"No, of course not. I'm going back to my first job. One of their employees is on maternity leave so I can replace her and after that we'll see. I'm not sure where I want to start my own shop. Which city will be best."
"But you are going to do it?"
"Yes, eventually I will, but now I just want things to get stable again."
"Yeah, me too. I'm going to enjoy this summer and then in September I'll start school. How cool is that?"
"Very cool."
****
It is a long train journey from Manchester all the way to Brighton and that's why I take a break in London. Also because it might give me the opportunity to see Alex. After the funeral last week I haven't reached out to her once and told myself that I'd never see her again because that's what she asked. To let go. But today I feel I have a good excuses to call her. It is her father's anniversary. Five years ago we spent this day together. Waking up in the hospital to find Bob had died. With my own mother's passing so fresh in my memory, I also remember that day well. And I want Alex to know that I'm thinking of her so I call although I'm nervous that she won't even pick up.
"Alex," she says as she picks up.
"Hey, Harry here. Was just thinking of you," I tell her.
"How come?"
"Just, this day makes me think of you in general."
"Yeah," she says, "guess I have been thinking about you a lot this day as well. How have you been?"
"Better than I thought. I'm in London now, on my way to Brighton. Going to work at my old job for a while until I figure stuff out."
"Sounds like a good plan," she tells me.
"Now, I had another plan, and you are more than allowed to say no, I won't hate you for it. But this day five years ago we were together, and I'm here now. If you're up for it, we could go for lunch?"
Alex stays quiet on the other end of the line, and just as am about to withdraw my offer feeling like a fool because she made clear where she stands, she agrees.
"Where did you had in mind?"
"Somewhere near the train station," I say quick, feeling my heartbeat rise to a maximum.
"Which one?"
As we talk details, I can't contain myself and feel butterflies erupt at the thought of seeing her again so soon. She once asked why I didn't fight for her, but now I am glad that I waited. I felt it when I stayed at my mother's alone that things needed to happen the way they did, and now I am certain. Alex and I need to start fresh and time will tell if fighting for her has any point at all. Right now, I feel hopeful it will.
I watch trains come and go from a bench, the station growing busier as lunch time comes around. Back in the day when we just came back from Palas the first time, we actually spent a lot of time on the train station near her house, different than this one. We fought there multiple times if I arrived late, letting my job get in the way as per fucking usual. But most of our reunions were filled with kisses and hugs. I doubt this one will be like that although I can't deny the fire in my body when I think of our last kiss. It might have been our best one ever, and now that I know I'll see her again, I can only hope it won't be our last.
An hour later I finally spot the train she texted she was on and get up to move to the right track. Once I'm there she's already out, waiting by the exit to go to the undergrounds. Her appearance takes me by surprise just like last time. She seems relax even when she isn't and I realize it is the fact that she's comfortable in her own skin again. Something I haven't been blessed with seeing a lot in her.
Alex smiles when I approach her, making me feel nervous for how to greet her. In the end I decide on just stopping in front of her.
"Hey," she says. "That's all your luggage?"
She looks to my duffel bag that is hung over my shoulder. "Travel light is my motto."
"What about all those boxes I so carefully packed?"
"They're at my sisters. She's got plenty of room in Manchester. Got my own room there now. Who would have thought," I laugh.
"I liked your sister. She seems happy," Alex says and I can only agree with her now that I have spent a few weeks with her. "She forgave Ben which is admirable. They seemed very much in love, still."
"Trust me, they are. To point where it sickness me."
"I'm just glad that after all they've been through, they still can be happy together," she tells me and the way she says it gives me more hope than I should read in to.
"Me too."
"So, did you settle on a place? I'm hungry."
We smile for a moment and then I guide her to the lunch place that I found on my phone whilst I was waiting for her. The duffel bag is heavy on my shoulder because of my tattoo set and clothes so I'm glad when we reach it. It is busy, but we soon find a table in the middle of the room surrounded by people. I can tell that it comforts her to not be alone with me, I don't like it as much. I wish we could be alone, even for a second. Last time we were in a busy café together, it didn't end well.
After looking through the menu, deciding what we want to order, there falls a silence that shows that neither of us really thought this meeting through.
"You're father probably didn't expect us to be here five years later," I start off and her smile falters for a second.
Her love for Bob is so different than what I ever experienced with my mother. Even after five years she feels pain over losing him, while I even a week later feel totally okay discussing her. I know there will be things in the future that will upset me. Things she won't see or be there for, but I know I'll be okay even if it is painful.
"I'm not sure what he had in mind for me. Surely he didn't think of Palas as a long term solution."
"I don't know. He might have," I say and I can tell that she's getting curious.
****
Alex
"Do you think?" I wonder, suddenly hanging on his lips as we discuss this.
Palas has been on my mind since I left. Now that summer is finally here it feels strange to not go back if not only fur July and August, but no one has asked me either. The entire team is different and the only one I still know is Zayn. Working with him or even as my boss isn't really something I look forward to. So slowly I'm letting Palas go no matter how much I miss what was.
"Yes. He told me he wanted his ashes to be scattered there. I don't think he'd want that if he didn't believe you would keep some sort of connection with the island."
"Yeah, maybe," I mumble, thinking his words over. "Strange enough it doesn't feel like he's still there. Living here reminds me more of him than Palas ever did."
"In what way?" He wonders and my instinct is to hold back. To not tell him the truth because I'm so used to it, but Harry is trying to be interested and he's doing a good job at it. Without realizing it, he's asking all the right questions.
"Because here I look more and more like him. Although that is a progress that started in Palas," I try and explain. "It's what bothered me a lot these last months."
"Why?"
With his eyes he urges me to go on. To explain what I couldn't all this while. Here in the midst of all these people enjoying their lunch, I suddenly feel like I can open up to him.
"Well, you know how I always used to take care of him and in the end I couldn't even take care of myself. I didn't speak to him for so long because he got fired at his job. How hypocrite that was."
"A little bit," Harry says. I know he thought I was foolish then, and he doesn't deny it now.
"It scared me so much that I was becoming like my father, but the thought of becoming my mother is what really bothered me. She was the reason I panicked at the 24-shop."
Harry shifts in his seat a bit and seems relieved that the waiter comes to bring us our food. His sandwich is impressive enough to keep us entertained for a second and start eating. After a few bites I'm waiting for him to pick up the conversation, but he doesn't.
"Did you never wonder what that panic attack was about?" I wonder and he frowns. "You never asked."
"I was scared it was about me, and I honestly couldn't have handled it if it was. I couldn't handle it any way."
"I wouldn't have asked to call you if it had to do with you."
"Just like you asked for Liam after you broke your arm? That wasn't about me either, was it?"
"No, then I was just scared for your reaction."
Harry sighs and puts his food down. "Why? Am I really such a jerk? You scared the shit out of me when you said you had been in the hospital. I wouldn't have gotten angry."
"No, you only get angry with the people around me as if they were at fault."
He stays silent again and goes back to eating his sandwich. Because I don't want to argue, and I feel like we already are, I retreat to eating as well. Holding hope that maybe he'll see the light and agree to making a mistake, although I realize I haven't exactly told him that I was wrong as well.
"I know I should have told you all that was wrong. I'm trying my best here now."
"I don't mean to fight you about it," he says, looking up again. "But it is painful to hear. Trust me, I know I was wrong as well. I'm reminded by everything on a daily basis."
"We both didn't handle things in the best way."
He shakes his head as he takes a sip from his drink. "That we didn't," he pauses as he seems to hesitate, but opens his mouth in the end. "Why did you panic so much about your mother?"
"I thought I saw her and all I could think of is that I didn't want to be like her, but I am. She's in my blood and that scared me. Well, it still does, that's why I'm seeing Rob this week. My therapist hopes it will help me understand myself and where certain thoughts come from."
"What was she like then? Because you always made her sound as if she was a heartless bitch and I fucking hope you don't think you are like that," Harry says and it makes me laugh a bit.
I realize that I haven't told him a lot and that I can't blame him for thinking this is all very strange. That's all on me though. Ever since she died I kept my thoughts about her to myself.
"No, she was jealous, depressed and couldn't keep a household. She was either very happy to the point that I would doubt her, or she was so down that she wouldn't leave her bed. Unconsciously I have been trying to be anything like her since I was a child. Taking care of my father because my mother couldn't. From the moment I found out about boys I clinged to them proving you can be happy with someone and also to not be alone. Well, you know what I was like."
"I know that beneath it all, it never stopped how I felt about you," he says, and even after knowing him for six entire years he still makes me blush and sends butterflies to my stomach when he admits his love for me.
"But it made me believe that you did. I never felt enough these last months. You had a job- a passion and I was failing hard. That combined with having an identity that is entirely based around my parents who are fucked up, never made it easy for me to be myself after they died. Because I turned more and more like them. It's what got me in the hospital."
Harry doesn't like me going from my mental health to the hospital where he saw me fight hard against all the demons in my head and taking it out on him. We both only ever apologized over text besides from our very first conversation where I still hated him for everything he did and he felt super guilty and begged me to stay. We only shortly addressed it when we last saw each other and I thought that was it. But now that he's in front of me I want to clear the air for real. Our food and drinks are finished, but I have a feeling we won't leave this place anytime soon. Here in the comfort of people I feel brave enough to tackle these subjects that are otherwise difficult to speak about for the both of us.
"I thought that was entirely on me," Harry mumbles, afraid to speak out.
"What you did triggered my reaction. But the way I reacted was because of myself." For a moment he seems to think this through and I give him the time.
"Do you think that you could ever forgive me for what I did?"
"Maybe if you would explain it. And not just over voicemail or text."
"I don't know how to explain it. Maybe we both look more like our parents than we wish," he says. "I just.. was hurt by your kiss with Liam and didn't know what I wanted. You took me by surprise when you came back for Sage's wedding and confessed your love for me, and I know you. I knew that no matter what you'd be hurt, so I kept it from you. I learned my lesson, Alex. I really, really did this time."
"I guess we both turned out to be more like our parents than we wanted," I tell him. "But I hope you also know that you're nothing like your deadbeat father."
Harry gives me a small smile and nods. "I know, but it's not as if I had the best example. Neither did you. So we're the blind leading the blind. It seems that being an adult isn't as easy as we thought looking at our parents, thinking we were going to do it better."
"Yeah," I mumble, thinking about what Harry just said. "And to think I blamed my father for so many things."
"You have been angry with him for five years now."
"I still believe he could have fought for his life more than he did. He could at least have told me about it sooner instead of letting me ignore him because he lost his job."
"But you have to agree that the thing that got him there, drinking, smoking, you name it, isn't something you can change easily? You can't stay angry with him for that?"
I shrug my shoulders, feeling like I'm suddenly in a therapy session with Doctor Collins. First he wants me to forgive himself, and now he's asking on behalf of my father as well. Even I can't deny that he's right, but that doesn't mean I'm going to just give in.
"I can if I want to," I say, knowing how childish I sound.
"Of course." He doesn't push the subjects which surprises me. "I'm a simple man. In the end I only wish you will forgive me. Just know that I never loved Susie and I simply stayed in touch with her because I was scared for what the outcome would be if I truly denied her. And in the whirlwind that was our relationship it was easy to talk to her about my mother, but not like you would image. It was always quick, nothing meaningful and I haven't been in touch with her since then and I quit my job. I know it is all much too late, and I should have kept fighting for you and behave like a proper boyfriend, but if you'd ever give me a chance, trust me... I'd never treat you like I did."
"I went on a date with Thomas," I blurt out, feeling the need to get it off my chest before it becomes another secret that stands between us. "We kissed and ended up in bed together."
"Oh," he mumbles, clearly not expecting this to be my answer after all the sweet things he said.
"You knew about the date of course. Just thought you should know of the rest."
"Because you think that changes things for me?"
"Well, maybe. It was more of a physical thing on my behalf if you understand," I say, lowering my voice and feeling redness creep up my face. "And I ended things before it became something."
"I see."
"I just.. we didn't have sex. Well there's no explanation that is interesting for you, but things between him and I are closed off now."
"And between us?"
He sounds hopeful and it reminds me of when I saw him after I was discharged from the hospital. He didn't sound hopeful at all then. He viewed me or us as a lost cause and that I would never believe his reasoning for what happened. He might not have needed therapy to believe in us again, but somehow he succeeded. For all I know he fucked a hundred girls while he was with his mother, but deep down inside I know that he kept some form of hope. And through it all I did too. Even when I'm certain that right now we shouldn't be together and we're better off alone, but look at how well we're doing in this moment. Doctor Collins would be proud. This are the steps he talked about, and it doesn't need to mean that I should move away from Harry. If it feels alright then it is just as okay to move closer to him.
"I guess time will tell."
"But for now you want to close the book?" He rightfully guesses.
"Yes, I want to leave the past in the past, Harry."
"But I'll be a part of your future?"
"I wonder if we'll ever truly get rid of each other."
"Depends. Just say you don't want me, and I'll be gone for good. You can move on from me, you did it before with Thomas. If that is what's better for you then tell me. Or I'll fight for you just like you wanted me too."
He stares at me and for a second we're alone and not in a crowded lunch place. My heart beats in my throat while he keeps my gaze and his intense words make goosebumps rise over my entire body. This is what I wanted, right? To have him fight for me and show me he wants me, and to hold a conversation without it ending in a panic attack. It feels so different than my conversations with Thomas when I was grilling him as he described it. That's probably because Thomas never was 'it' for me, and Harry is. He's the one I want. He's the one. Through it all that never changed.
"Fight," I mumble, not able to keep his eye contact. "But give me time."
"I'll keep my expectations low," he says with a smile that melts my heart, knowing that once again I'm a lost cause meant for him.