I can't say that those 2 months weren't hell for me. I had that same old stupid routine every morning. I go to work. I have lunch with Seth. I go home. I sleep.
It sucked. Every single day sucked for me, and sometimes I wondered how it felt for Tony.
I saw him last week in the mall with Pepper. He actually looked fine, and I really didn't know if I should be happy or disappointed. I guess part of me hoped that he'd be torn up about this too, but another part of me just wanted him to find his happiness that he so desperately craved for.
Currently, I was seated in a fancy restaurant with my boyfriend as he chatted about how annoying his case was, and call me rude, but I wasn't paying any attention to him.
"Earth to Valentina?" He snapped his fingers in front of my face, snapping me out of my daydream.
"I'm sorry, Seth. I'm just...tired." I lied and he nodded in understanding.
"It's fine. I'll take you home, baby." When he called me baby, I'd always have this feeling inside me. It made me happy, but now...I felt nothing.
****
Picking up my diary felt weird now. Maybe it's because I haven't written in years, but I just needed to let it out.
Scrolling through the pages, I smiled as I recalled every moment, every memory, every dream and every nightmare. Reaching a blank page, I picked up my pen.
[ December 12, 2014]
Dear Diary,
It actually feels really weird to write now, and as pathetic as this sounds I need it right now. It's been 2 months since I last spoke to Tony. I must say this is actually killing me. Not being able to hear his voice, not being able to know how he's feeling, kills me. Nat updated me on his state a few times, but that's about it. She was actually pretty pissed at my decision, and if I'm being honest with myself so am I. Being with Seth, used to make me feel like I'm on cloud nine, but as we progress through this dysfunctional relationship, I realised that I never wanted this. What I felt for Seth a few years ago, was absolutely gone now. I don't know if it's just temporary or if I'm feeling like this because I let Tony down, but I just feel nothing towards him anymore. Maybe because I have figured out that he actually did cheat a second time. Maybe because I have figured out that it didn't actually matter to him that I was kidnapped. If my absence never affected him, then my presence didn't even matter. I love you. I used to toss this word around as a kid. I used to say it to everybody because I guess a part of me never felt loved enough since I knew that my father never did love me enough to stay, so I never wanted anyone else to endure the same pain I had. I used that word to brighten up people's days, and now as I say it to Seth, I wonder if I actually mean it. And if I'm being completely honest....I knew he never loved me. I knew he was using me because he was scared to be alone, and despite that....I stayed. I stayed because I fell in love with the man who used to bring me flowers to work, I fell in love with the man whose smile brightened up my life, I fell in love with the man who never did fall in love with me. I don't know why I'm admitting this to myself right now, but I just needed to. Maybe it's some else's presence that made me feel whole. Maybe it wasn't Seth's smile that brightened up my day anymore. Maybe it was some else entirely. Someone I've made the mistake of letting go.
----------
****
"Good morning, sleepyhead!" Wanda screamed while turning on my light.
"Ugh....go away please!" I rolled over and took a glance at my clock.
{6:30 p.m}
I slept for only one hour? And she's waking me?!
"Are you fucking serious?" I growled and she pouted.
"Come on, Miss Grumpy. We're going out, look I've already chosen your outfit." She squealed, twirling my dress and I rolled my eyes with a smile and threw the covers away from my body.
She stared at her watch in irritation and I scoffed.
"I'll be done in 20 minutes tops. I promise." I shot her a thumbs up and started getting ready.
****
"I must say... I'm jealous." She smirked as she eyed me up and down.
"Do I look okay?" I asked her nervously.
"Okay? You look gorgeous!" She screeched and I winced at how high pitched her voice was.
"Well, shall we?"
"We shall."
****
" I told you we would be late, Vee." She mumbled for the millionth time.
"Would you quit it?" I glared at her. "Why are you rushing anyway?"
"W-What? I'm not rushing....I...we..."
"You want to see Vision in a suit don't you?" I teased and she blushed hard.
"Well darling...we're here." I pointed to the crowd going through the doors and into the fancy event.
****
•Natasha•
"Relax, Vision...She'll be here." I calmed Vision down, who was desperately looking all over the place for Wanda.
"I'm completely relaxed." He lied and I just chuckled.
"Hot damn!" Clint screamed with his jaw dropped. He had his eyes fixated on something and I trailed my vision to see what he was looking at and then smiled myself.
She really did look gorgeous tonight. Out of curiosity, my eyes moved to Stark to observe his reaction and I wasn't disappointed.
His lips were slightly parted, and his eyes never left her. She was busy chatting with Wanda to even notice, yet still...he kept his gaze fixated on her, and as if she noticed, she turned around and their eyes made contact.
They stood their staring at each other, refusing to break eye contact. Both their faces were devoid of emotion, but I'm pretty sure they had it pent up inside.
Nudging Bruce slightly, I motioned over to them and he smiled at the both of them before Tony looked away. I sighed as I watched Vee close her eyes and sigh in disappointment.
Before she got the chance to come and greet us, she was spun around by a person. I furrowed my eyebrows and tilted my head a bit to see the person, and to my dismay it was Seth.
God if only I could break his bones. I clenched my fists in irritation. I had no idea why she was with someone like him anyway. She giggled loudly with each movement, and people were staring at them in awe as they slow danced.
I caught a disapproving look on Tony's face, and I'm pretty sure mine mirrored his.
•Valentina•
"Seth, we need to talk."
"Sure, baby."
"I know." I finally admitted and he frowned.
"You know? What do you know?"
"I know that you cheated on me that second time, and you lied about it."
He visibly tensed.
"H-How?"
"Well...the officers in your station aren't all that trustworthy." I shrugged and blocked back my tears. I already knew he did it, but him actually admitting it hurts more.
"What the hell are we doing, Seth?" I shouted as I dropped my hands down his shoulders, and stopped dancing.
"This is not love!" I finally admitted to myself and to him.
"W-What no! Valentina how can I make this up to you?"
"You can start by giving me space." I whispered as a tear slid down my cheek.
"I love you, Valentina. I promise you I do. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved you, and I don't want you to leave."
"You lied to me! You cheated on me for the second time and you expect me to forgive you?" I scoffed in disbelief.
"Is this over for us?" His voice breaks and I find myself shaking my head in a silent no.
He sighed in relief and hugged me hard.
"I'm so....I'm so sorry."
I freed myself from his grip and let my tears fall already ruining my make up, that I spent ages perfecting.
I was too hurt to even look at him, so I did what I do best. I ran. I ran away from the man who claimed he loved me. I ran well aware that all my friends' eyes were on me, and some were even standing up to follow me. I ran with tears trickling down my cheeks, despite the feeling of a very certain pair of deep brown eyes on my back, watching me as I walked out of his vision.
•Natasha•
Me and Wanda stood up in the same second abruptly after witnessing a crying Valentina walk out.
"We're sorry guys, we need to cut this night short. Duty calls." Wanda spoke up and rushed outside with me on her tail.
•Tony•
It took everything in me, not to go after her. Her crest-fallen expression had this annoying feeling in me. I was in pain because she was. I was hurting because she was. Gripping the knife on the table, I watched as my knuckles turned white from the pressure exerted.
Sighing deeply, I stood up slowly, bidding a goodbye to Rogers, Banner and Vision and since Legolas (Clint) already took off after them, I decided to call it a night.
As I drove through the busy streets of New York, my mind wouldn't seem to stop overthinking. Was she alright? Did he hurt her in any way?
As much as I craved the answers to these questions, I knew I won't be getting them anytime soon.
Driving past a familiar building, I looked through the rear-view mirror and an unknown smile grew on my lips. It was a small little diner that Valentina loved. She used to drag me there every Saturday, and we would just sit there and talk about our week. My smile quickly vanishes once I remembered that we don't do that anymore. That we don't talk anymore.
And as my car came to a stop, it dawned on me that she meant more to me than anything ever did.