i freeze when you walk in on me dancing because
those hips don't lie and
my anxiety barely lets
anyone in.
my anxiety and i have a
love-hate relationship,
i hate her because she does
a perfect job of making me
appear as the most socially awkward person on the planet,
she promises she loves me,
tells me she'll keep me safe.
because of her, i seek
constant reassurance,
because of her, i read
too deep in between the lines,
she's irrational, kept fit and alive by the amount of conclusions we both jump to.
we moved in together
three years ago, when she
made a point to show me
her standards,
no messy bedsheets, no spontaneity, nothing unscheduled, routine,
look straight at them or
don't look at all.
because of her, during an argument, i keep my words in,
i have a zoo in my mouth,
animals i always unleash
when it is too late and i'm
about to combust.
because of her, i like to
shape my words so that
they take the longest trip ever
before i even say what i
actually want to say.
because of her, i get stressed and paranoid in situations
that usually would not
provoke those feelings,
like a bus ride,
so no, don't tell me to
"just relax",
because i can't just
fucking relax,
my anxiety is not cured
by flicking off a light switch,
do you not understand?
my anxiety can't stand
to look at bones, veins, or blood,
can't stand to feel needles,
can't stand him constantly
putting me on the spot with his "where do you want to go?"
i want to go some place
where flare guns don't go off
in my mind,
where it doesn't get hard to breathe.
deep breath. inhale.
because of my anxiety, i just
had to write an ENTIRE poem
to tell you that my worry
will become paranoid and
emotionally unstable,
because i love you,
i love you.
- hear me out
- crimsyy