I sigh in relief when I get back into Dominic's car, completely prepared to go back to school. I don't think I ever felt a stronger sense of gratitude than when he asked if I wanted to go back on Saturday rather than Sunday. I've never agreed to anything quicker in my life.
My parents stand at the door, staring sadly. I wave at them until we turn off the street. I really want to roll my eyes and stick up my middle finger. This entire week has been nothing but me having to do this and me having to do that and me getting yelled at for giving Maritza a little bit of attitude. I swear, it's like I was never gone. There was not an ounce of happiness that I had returned from college. The only ones happy to see me were my dogs.
"How was your Thanksgiving?" Dominic asks and I shake my head.
"I got yelled at," I reply in slight shock. "I haven't been yelled at in months, especially not in Spanish."
"For what?" His house is a lot more chill than mine. His parents are very mellow and kind of let him do whatever he wants. As long as his grades are okay and he doesn't bring any trouble into the house, they don't bother saying anything.
"Because I got into an argument with Maritza."
"About what?" he questions as he drives with one hand while his other rests on the center console. I eye his relaxed position and grow a little irritated at how good he looks doing literally anything.
"About you! She still has a crush on you!" I retort and he cackles noisily. "And she thinks she has a chance. It's so obnoxious. All she ever does is make little comments about you and it drives me insane."
"Are you jealous?" he teases and I can tell that he's completely entertained by my anger.
"No! I'm just irritated. No matter how many times I tell her that she's too young or that she's my little sister, she doesn't take no for an answer."
"She's confident," he notes. "She sees what she wants and goes after it. You should take after her."
"Whatever. It's weird," I retort with a wave of my hand.
"Speaking of what you want, have you talked to your nerdy boyfriend?" he questions and I roll my eyes.
"First of all, he's not my boyfriend," I correct. That title has not been established and I feel as though it won't be for a long while. "And second of all, yeah...barely. We texted everyday for a good hour before bed but it's been a bit forced and felt like a chore, on my end at least. We're supposed to be hanging out tonight but he hasn't mentioned it so it probably won't happen."
"Did you at least wish him a Happy Thanksgiving?" He's clearly unaware of how to console me about my awkward conversational skills.
"Yeah, but it was pretty generic. It was 'Happy Thanksgiving!' with a turkey emoji," I reply.
"Not even a heart?" he interrogates.
"Nope."
"You sent me a heart," he reminds me with a smug look on his face.
"I know," I say with a wave of my hand. "Because you're you."
"I bask in your excessive emoji use because it's the only time you show me that you care about me," he confesses solemnly and I audibly scoff. "What's my name in your phone?"
"Dominic with the smiling purple devil and fist-bump emojis." I look at his contact.
"What happened to the blue heart?" He quickly glances at the screen of my phone.
"I had to get rid of it in case Elias saw it and thought something weird of it." He sucks his teeth and shakes his head.
"What's my name in your phone?" I question, knowing not to wait for a response. I grab his phone from the cup holder and unlock it with my thumb. I go to our messages and click my contact. It says Nova with three red hearts. I repress the urge to grin and instead, nod and put his phone down.
"I should delete all your hearts," he mutters under his breath. My head snaps in his direction and he glances at me before dramatically looking away. I wear a small pout on my lips and stare at him.
"Why?" I already know the answer. I repress a grin when he gives me a short lived glare before turning his attention back to the bustling road.
"Since we're removing hearts now." He sounds like a five year old.
"You're such a baby," I complain as I unlock my phone. I add the blue heart back to his name and he smiles in satisfaction.
"Your baby," he corrects, which throws me off a bit.
"You wish," I blurt. It's the only thing I can think to say.
"You're not exactly wrong," he responds with a boyish grin. I turn up the music to drown out my thoughts.
+++
I'm barely unpacked when Elias messages me and asks me if we're still on for tonight. I agree and hurriedly get ready. Even if I'm not fully into this kid, I still want to put some effort into my appearance. I'm grateful I did my hair this morning and focus solely on dressing nice and fixing my face. As soon as he texts me he's outside, I'm putting the finishing touches on my outfit.
"Hey," I greet him as I get into his familiar car.
"You smell nice." I can tell he's slightly embarrassed for acknowledging it.
"Thanks, you do too," I compliment and he smiles at me. "So what are we doing today?"
"I was thinking ice cream unless you want something else?" He looks to me as if waiting for me to announce a different activity to spend the night doing.
"No, ice cream actually sounds really good right now," I confess and I'm actually being honest. Even if it's fifty degrees outside, I can go for some ice cream.
We head in the direction of the familiar sweet stop, humming along to the radio quietly. We slowly pull up and his mouth drops into a gape when he notices they're closed. "What?" he whispers in shock. He squints at the sign and exhales noisily. "They closed early, I guess."
"Now what?" I gaze at the dark shop.
"Uh..." he trails. "I have ice cream back at my apartment...or we can just look up another place."
"No, your apartment is fine," I answer with a shrug. He fidgets slightly as he offers up a nod. As we drive to his place, I repeat the reminder over and over in my head: nothing physical, Nova, nothing physical.
When we reach his building, I can tell he's anxious. He leads the way upstairs, jumping a little at every noise the elevator makes. He looks at me apologetically and I want to sigh. It'd be adorable to see how nervous he is around me if I had feelings for him. He unlocks the door and allows me to enter first. My eyes settle on the TV, which is the only visible thing in the dim room; it's playing an old cartoon quietly, casting a shadow on Eli's sleeping roommate.
The discovery of his roommate on the couch puts a damper on Eli's mood. "We can sit in my room if you want...or in here, it's up to you," he rambles quietly.
"Your room is fine," I convince him again. He nods and offers me a small, apologetic smile. I watch him reach into the freezer, getting out the tub of ice cream. He prepares two bowls for us after making sure it's a flavor I like. He hands me one and starts in the direction of his room. I follow suit, trying to be as quiet as possible as we pass his roommate. We reach a door and he pushes it open and flips on the light. I look around curiously, noting the dark blue shades decorating the room.
Before I can assess his space too much, he motions to his bed. "You can sit there," he guides as he pulls out his desk chair and takes a seat.
"You can sit on your bed, Eli; it won't make me uncomfortable," I insist and he sheepishly gets up and joins me on the bed. He leaves a foot of space between us and I repress the urge to chuckle. He's so awkward and considerate that it's slightly endearing.
"I don't have a TV in here, I'm sorry," he mumbles and I shrug it off.
"It's fine. We can just talk," I respond as I eat a spoonful of ice cream. We discuss our vacations and he tells me a little bit about his family. He's the only boy among six sisters and he grew up not too far from here in a pretty big house. I tell him about my annoying little sister and my parents and the city in which I grew up.
"Why'd your parents name you November?" I offer up a smile at the common questions.
"Well...my parents met in November. They got married in November. Both of their birthdays are in November," I start.
"Hopefully not all of that happened in the same month," he responds jokingly, which earns a genuine laugh from me.
"Years apart," I clarify with a smile. "My grandmother said that if they were to break up, they'd both hate the month so they decided to name me November so they couldn't possibly hate it."
"That's cute. And they decided to call you Nova, like the stars?" he questions and I bite the inside of my cheek.
"Actually, they've always called me Nov. It wasn't until I became friends with Dominic that the whole Nova nickname came about. Eventually everyone picked up on it though so it's the new Nov, I guess," I respond.
"You have an interesting name story and a cool nickname. My parents just named me Elias because they couldn't decide between that or James." I stare at him for a few seconds and decide that James would've never suited him.
"Elias definitely suits you," I comfort him with a laugh. "I can't even imagine you as a James."
We continue to talk and eventually finish our ice cream. He excuses himself to take the bowls the kitchen and I take advantage of his absence to examine his room. I look at the few decorations he has up, which are basically just framed movie posters. There's one of The Breakfast Club and then the first Harry Potter film. I swing my feet over the edge of the bed, awaiting his return.
He comes back moments later and gives me a faint smile. He approaches the bed and hesitates before turning to me and squinting slightly. He strides over, stands between my legs, and puts his finger under my chin lightly. "Sorry but you've got a bit of ice cream..." He reaches out and wipes the ice cream from with his thumb. Before I can even stop myself, I grab his wrist and drag his thumb across my lips. After realizing what the hell I'm doing, I release his hand and he locks eyes with me for a moment.
He stares and swallows nervously and I swear at myself for having started this. I lightly bite my lip as I rest back on my hands, peering up at him. He slowly lowers himself, putting his arms on either side of me. Screw the vow; I want this right now. I reach up and sling my arm around his neck, pulling him down close to me. His mouth hovers a few inches above mine and I let him close the gap, basking in the familiar feel of his lips on mine.
We kiss for a while and my mind travels to Dominic, which sends my stomach into a frenzy. I press myself harder against him and his hands hesitate on my waist. They slightly dip beneath my sweater but he stops himself. I pull away for a second and tell him to do it. His warm hands slip beneath my pullover and he hesitates yet again at my bra. I break away once more and tell him to go for it, and he does. My breath catches in my throat as I feel his unfamiliar hands on my body. It doesn't stop me though and I continue to fervently kiss him and run my hands through his hair.
His fingers continue to explore my body as our kisses grow more and more intense. He hesitates at the button of my jeans and I exhale nervously. I break away and look at him. Letting my current emotion get the best of me, I give a quick nod, watching as his hands undo the button and zipper of my jeans. I pull him back in for a kiss as his hand slips into my pants. It's a foreign feeling but one that I like very much.
He focuses his kisses on my neck as I stare at the ceiling of his room, feeling my breathing get heavier. My eyes close and my mind travels elsewhere. My voice builds up in my throat and I bite back words. "Dominic..." I whisper quietly and his hand stops, as does his mouth. He looks up at me and blinks a few times.
"What?" he whispers quietly as he hovers above me.
"Huh?" I ask, blinking out of my stupor. He removes his hand from my jeans and sits up, not taking his eyes off of me. I follow suit and pull myself up, buttoning my pants seeing as the mood is clearly ruined.
"What'd you say?" he asks me and I swallow nervously.
"What do you mean?" I mumble.
"You said 'Dominic,'" he blurts as his eyes search my face. "Did you not?"
"I-I don't know," I hesitate. I didn't think I said that aloud. I'd gotten good at using the feelings I have for Dominic to intensify things with Eli but even better at hiding the fact that I was doing it. It became a subconscious thing and I wasn't doing it on purpose.
"You don't know?" he asks, clearly angry, which is an emotion I never thought I'd see him wear.
I bow my head nervously. "I didn't mean it like that." Then what the hell did it mean, Nova?
"So what did you mean when you moaned your best friends name while my hand was in your pants?" he retorts as his fiery eyes flit between both of mine.
"It didn't mean anything," I reply, racking my brain for an explanation but I come up short. I'm not good at thinking on my feet, especially not when I'm under extreme scrutiny. Not to mention the fact that I'm literally drowning in embarrassment.
"Why were you even thinking about him?" Eli replies. His eyes are narrowed to slits and I can tell that I messed up really, really bad.
"I wasn't," I say, backing myself further and further into a ditch. I feel tears of embarrassment welling up in my eyes.
"I think you should go," he says as he stares at the floor of his room. He exhales heavily. "Do you need a ride?"
"No, I got it," I say as I get up and pull my shoes and coat on. In a matter of seconds, I'm practically running down the hall. I reach the first floor and tears are catapulting down my face as I exit the building. I'm met with the chilly air and I contemplate calling Dominic. I decide not to, seeing as he's the one that got me into this mess. If it weren't for how sexually frustrated he gets me, I wouldn't even need to do anything with Eli. Then again, if I wasn't such an idiot, I'd know how to handle my emotions better and not get romantically involved when all I want is physical affection. I could've easily found someone who wanted physical and no emotional but no, I had to guy for a nice guy who vocalized his desire for a relationship.
I'm such an idiot. I didn't even notice I was saying his name. Of course I was thinking about him. I'm always thinking about him. But I obviously didn't plan on saying that! I didn't plan on saying anything! I didn't even want to say Eli's name. I vigorously wipe at my eyes as I get closer and closer to my dorm. I stare at the large building and feel the impending solitude creeping up on me. I decide not to cry alone and utilize Dominic for his sole purpose as my best friend: comfort. I make the (arguably stupid) decision to head to his dorm.
I press my palms to my eyes in hopes that the pressure will stop the tears but of course, it doesn't work. I walk towards his building with the intention of texting him to open the door for me, only to find Jack exiting the building. He sees me coming and holds the door. "Hey," he greets me cheerfully.
"Hi," I reply quietly with a lowered head. "Is Dominic busy?"
"He's just doing some homework," he answers.
"Okay...I'll see you around," I reply as I rush down the hall to his room. I knock twice and he opens the door in a slightly confused state. His eyes settle on me and he searches my face curiously.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" he asks quickly ushers me into his dorm. He shuts the door behind me and turns around for an explanation. I don't bother saying anything and instead, I reach out and wrap my arms around his waist. He hugs me back without hesitation and puts one hand on my head, rubbing my back with the other. "Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay. Don't cry."
Tears silently fall from my eyes and land on his shirt. I suddenly realize I'm wearing mascara and his shirt is white. I pull away and sniffle, wiping at the tears that made their way to my neck. He takes my face in both of his hands and wipes my tears with his thumbs. "What happened?" he questions in a quiet voice.
"Eli," I say before sniffling again.
"What'd he do? Do I have to beat his ass?" he interrogates and I shake my head. It's all my fault and I can't even tell him everything.
"I think he ended things?" More tears fall from my eyes. He hugs me again and I speak into his chest but it comes out muffled. "My makeup is on your shirt."
"I don't care," he replies. He holds me like that for a few more minutes before I pull away, feeling a bit more composed. He waits patiently as I wipe my eyes and sniffle a few more times. "What happened?"
"It was all my fault," I mumble as I sit on the edge of his desk, putting my face in my hands. "I'm such a bad person."
"No, you're not," he responds as he moves so he's standing before me. He can't even dispute this because he doesn't know the full story and I can't even tell him. I won't do that to Eli.
"I am, Dominic!" I reply, trying to think of something to tell him. I can't say the truth for obvious reasons, so I go with another truth. "I didn't have feelings for him. I just...was with him to have fun. And I knew he wanted something serious. I just...didn't and I led him to believe I did."
"He ended things with you because he wanted a relationship and you didn't?" Dominic asks with raised brows.
"Yes, but..." I trail, trying to unravel the tangle of emotions sitting in a ball at the back of my throat. He waits patiently for me to continue. "It just hurt because..."
"Because he rejected you?" Dominic asks.
"Yeah, but also, I gave him my first kiss," I say sadly. "And you may not think it's not that significant but it meant a lot to me."
"It is significant," he says in short.
"I just...we were in the middle of doing stuff and I let him..." I start before sighing. Embarrassment washes over me as I remember the scenario. I put my hands on my face and shake my head quickly.
"You let him..." Dominic prompts and I sniffle again.
"His hand was in my pants," I tell Dominic, again filled with shame. I refuse to look at him so I don't get to see his reaction. It takes a few seconds for him to respond so I assume he's shocked and most likely experiencing some second hand embarrassment.
"That was a piece of shit move for him," Dominic bites, sounding angry. "He's an idiot."
"I'm a shitty person," I tell Dominic. I deserve every harsh word and harsh thing Eli could ever say to me.
"No, you're not, Nova," he replies quietly.
I sigh in frustration. If only he knew the full story, then he'd agree with me that I'm a trashy person. I led Eli on knowing full and well that any possibly romantic feelings I could have for him were invested in my obsessive crush on Dominic. I even told him that I was looking for a relationship. Imagine his shock and embarrassment and hurt when I moaned another guys name in bed with him. He's probably so hurt right now. I don't even deserve to sit here and be comforted, especially not when he's sitting alone in his room at this exact moment. Putting myself in his shoes only makes my chest ache more.
I suddenly notice Dominic's sleepwear and get up from his desk. I clear my throat and shake my head. "You know what? I'm fine. I'm just going to go back to my dorm and go to bed. I'm sorry for just barging in; I didn't even text to see if I could come over," I ramble between sniffles as I stand up.
"Nova," he says as he grabs my arm. I look up, blinking myself into a stupor as his eyes search mine. My gaze drops to his mouth for a split second and I watch as he nibbles lightly on his lower lip. I hesitate for a second, wondering if I'm misinterpreting the situation. I slowly rise to the tips of my toes. He registers what I'm doing and waits a second before turning his head the other way. I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces as I return back to the heels of my feet. I don't even try to hide the heavy sigh that escapes from my mouth. I turn to leave again but he pulls me back.
"What, Dominic?" I ask him with a tinge of anger in my voice. He puts his hands on my shoulders and closes his eyes tight, breathing heavy.
"Look, it's not that I wouldn't...it's not that I don't, ah, shit. You're not in the right state of mind. You're hurt and you don't know what you want. And I don't think that this is what you want," he says.
How do you know what I want? I want to snap but I decide against it. I go with the simpler answer that'll make this already messy situation a little easier to clean up. "You're right, I'm sorry. I just..." I trail. I just want to kiss you, if we're being honest right now. I always want to kiss you. That's the only thing I ever want.
"You can sleep here," he assures me. "Just calm down. Relax. Go lay on my bed and just chill out." I don't fight him and instead, kick off my shoes and peel off my coat. I slowly crawl onto his bed, inhaling his familiar scent as I lay on my back. He hands me a wet wipe, which I squint at.
"For your makeup," he clarifies. "I got them so you don't have to scrub your face in the bathroom."
"Thank you," I mutter as I rub my face with the dampened towelette, which is just black blobs trailing down my cheeks at this point.
"Do you want to change?" he asks and I shake my head.
"No." My current outfit will suffice.
He turns on the lamp and flicks off the overhead lights, leaving the door unlocked as usual. He climbs into bed beside me. "Are you okay?" he mumbles quietly.
"Yeah, I just want to go to sleep," I answer him. He reaches over and turns off the lamp light.
"Do you want me to hold you?" he questions silently.
"Yeah," I reply, turning so that I'm facing him. He hesitates but drapes his arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him. I lay my head against his chest and rest my arm on his waist.
"I love you, Nova, you know that right?" he whispers.
"Shut up, Dominic," I whisper as I listen to his heart, which is slightly erratic. He tries to stabilize his breathing but it only makes it worse. I smile at the thought that I could be causing it.