HARRY: Man its hot outside. I wonder why I choose to hang out under a windowsill listening to the news. That's right......BECAUSE VOLDEMORT IS ON THE LOOSE!
Silence
HARRY: Seriously? No one cares? It's been like two months and no one believes me! I'm not crazy! (twitches like a crazy person)
MRS FIGG yells through window : Get a hobby!
HARRY: You first catlady!
MRS FIGG: (mumbles) Teenagers
So Harry goes to the park and swings on the swing. As usual, the teeter totter moving on its own freaks him out.
DUDLEY: Youre such a loser Harry. You have no life!
HARRY: Oh yea. I'm not the one who beats up fifth graders to feel powerful.
DUDLEY: Why don't I beat you up?
GROUPIE #1: Yea why doesnt he beat you up?
GROUPIE # 2: Yea Punk
Harry pulls out his wand.
GROUPIE #1: HA! What's he gonna do with a stick?
GROUPIE # 2: Yea what's he gonna do with a stick?
Dudley is freaking out. DUDLEY: Yo shut up! He's got his stick!
GROUPIE # 2 to Groupie 1: Yea man why are you so judgmental?
The clouds gather and it gets really cold and freaky outside.
GROUPIE # 1: Yo, Imma dip. My mom made brownies.
GROUPIE # 2: What?
GROUPIE # 1: I mean....Yo! Let's go jack a car or sumthin or like I dunno, like Yo!
The groupies leave.
A dementor attacks Dudley.
HARRY: Expecto Patronum!
Banished the gang of dementors and they all disperse.
HARRY: Get at my level!
Dudley faints. Harry has to carry him home. Mrs. Figg whose parents were magical but she wasn't because she's a squibb, helps out. Mudungus Fletcher was supposed to help out but he was too busy with his pawn shop and was polishing his grills (he should have had grills he seemed like the type).
HARRY: Thanks for helping me carry my fat cousin to my house
MRS FIGG: Could have happened to anyone
Enters house
AUNT PETUNIA: Were you two doing drugs? Did you give him drugs?
HARRY: No we just got attacked by a couple of Dementors
UNCLE VERNON: WTF? Petunia see? We should have thrown him out in the beginning I knew he'd be nothing but trouble
HARRY: What? I just saved your son!
UNCLE VERNON: Did you give em the ol' one two?
HARRY: Yea, because that's what you do to a dementor, give it the "one two".
UNCLE VERNON: You mean you used m-m-m-magic?
HARRY: Mmhm It's a good thing his soul wasn't sucked out
Aunt Petunia shrieks: I need a bubble bath
Harry gets a letter that tells him he's expelled: Not again (how many people can say that line eh?)
~~
The Dursley's leave for dinner
HARRY: Sick. I won't touch your TV or food or anything
When they leave
HARRY: I will however touch the remote control and eat the food
Some wizards arrive. They are a part of the Order of the Phoenix, dedicated to killing death eaters and voldemort
TONKS: Hey Harry we gotta go
MADDY (the real one): wait let me figure out how this microwave thing works
KINGSLEY: Man I think they got some barbeque here
TONKS (aside): men
Harry Packs up and they leave via broomstick.
~~
They get to Number 12 Grimmauld place.
Harry sees friends again.
HARRY: What is this guys? vague letters, no one telling me anything about voldemort. It's not like I battled him or something two months ago
RON: Dude, you need to get some internet instead of using the owl.
HARRY: So what else is new?
I'll sum it up for you
Number 12 Grimmauld Place is where the Black family used to live. Sirius Black lent it as Order of the Pheonix headquarters. All the main order of the pheonix and the weaslies live there.
Fred and George are planning a joke shop to open up using the money that Harry gives them (That he won).
Percy Weasly has a job at the ministry for magic and has taken the Ministry's side in whole 'voldemort's back' problem in that both Dumbledore, Harry and whoever supports them are lunatics.
Sirius Black is no longer a hermit.
Harry still has a crush on Cho Chang.
~~