Sa kahabaan ng usapan namin, hindi mawawala ang reklamo o pang-aasar nitong si Rio.
He always has a lot of ways to open that big fat mouth of him.
Tumayo na ako at nagpaalam sa kanila para magpahangin sa labas.
Dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa isang lumang park sa subdivision. Napabayaan na ito ngunit dinarayo pa rin ng mga bata kahit pa hindi nila magamit ang slide o see-saw.
It was here. It was where that little girl called her papa and mama. It is where she hugged them and they laughed together. But who was that child? Why is she in my dreams?
Pero bigla na lang akong nalungkot. These feelings might be from the frustrations I've been. It might be from the fact that I can't write what my readers want.
But do I really need to satisfy them? Do I really need to write what they want? What about me? What about my own perceptions and satisfaction? What about the reality behind all those fictional worlds? It was my main purpose why I'm doing this and yet I end up finding myself just to give them satisfaction
I was here like a fool, thinking about the girl whom I've never met, and hoping that I would be able to bring all my readers to the world away from the harsh realm of their existence.
But how can I do that if I feel so incomplete?
Sobrang random ng mga naiiisp ko kaya hindiko rin alam kung anong naging dahilan nang pagbigat ng pakiramdam ko.
Hindi ko na namalayan ang pagtulo ng aking mga luha. Hinayaan ko lang silang mahulog hanggang sa mapagod ako at pinunasan ito. Huminga ako ng malalim at tumayo pabalik sa bahay.
Nakayuko lang ako at tila wala sa'king sarili ngunit alam kong nasa bakuran na ako ng bahay ni Cortes.
"Malamig dito sa labas. Sana dinala mo ang jacket mo bago ka naglakad-lakad," sabi nito.
Napatunghay ako nang marinig ang boses niya.
"You don't need to wait for me," tugon kong nakayuko.
"I wasn't waiting for you. I was just looking at the stars, asking for their guidance for someone who seemed lost."
Napatingin ako sa direksyon niya.
"I'm not lost," diin ko rito.
"I didn't say you were," sabi nitong parang nasisiyahan sa panggugulo sa utak ko.
Cortes is always like this whenever I feel like running. Lagi niyang sinusubukang kausapin ako pero I stopped caring after losing so much of my memories.
Caring someone means having weaknesses and I can't be weak. The only thing that I've got is my life.
Hindi ko na siya pinansin at pumasok na ako sa bahay para magpahinga.
Pagpasok ko ng kwarto ay pabalik-balik na naglalakad si Mirah at bigla akong niyakap nang mahigpit.
"Where did you go? Do you have something in mind?"
"Hindi. I'm fine," tugon kong nakangiti. Kinuha ko ang maleta sa ilalim ng kama at nagsimula na mag-ayos ng gamit para sa unang araw ng bakasyon ko bukas.
"Do you miss them?" dahan-dahan niyang bigkas habang tinitingnan ang aking reaksyon.
Natigilan ako sandali pero agad din naman akong kumilos.
Mirah's good at reading people's emotion. Kaya lagi akong maingat sa pagbibigay ng reaction sa kanya. It's not that I don't want her to know what I am thinking. Of all the people I know, she is the only person I could trust.
Ayoko lang na makadagdag pa sa mga isipin niya.
"No. It's hard to miss someone you never knew," sabi ko.
"I'm sorry, hindi dapat natin sila pinag-uusapan."
"It's fine. Its just that, I don't know what to answer. Maliligo na lang muna ako. Go to sleep na. I'm fine. I just want to be alone right now."
Malungkot na humiga si Mirah habang tinitingnan ang bawat kilos ko.
"Don't think too much. I'm not mad at you or anything. Thank you for being there, Mirah. I owe you a lot."
She smiled. Dumiretso na ako sa banyo para magbabad sa maligamgam na tubig. I need to relax my mind and my body.
Bigla kong naalala ang sinabi ni Cortes sa'kin noon. Madalas akong sunduin ng mga magulang ko sa school at ipapasyal nila ako kung saan-saan. But the memory fades as time goes by. The mother he was telling me was just an unknown illusion of my past.
I never got friends, because they all have mothers and fathers. I don't want to hear questions where even Cortes can't answer for me. I don't want to face those judgmental people around me. I was afraid to admit that I am alone. That's why I isolated myself in the public.
I saw a kid under the tree. He was so tiny and cute. He looked like a girl because of his thin lips and long eyelashes. I went up to him to ask his name. Mommy will be proud of me if she knew that I'm having a new friend besides Mirah. I stared at him, not knowing how to wake him up until he opened one of his eyes and lifted up my skirt. Mommy told me that it's bad if a guy sees my panties. I was embarrassed because of my mickey mouse panties so, I threw my apple at him and run as fast as I could while crying.
Nang imulat ko ang mga mata ko ay nakita ko si Mirah na hawak ang kamay ko. Hindi na niya napigilang mapaluha. Bago pa man ako magsalita at magtanong kung anong nangyari ay bigla na lang niyang sinakop ng kamay niya ang buong mukha ko.
"I told you not to do that!" Sermon niya sakin habang madiing pinipisil ang aking pisngi.
"Do what?"
Niyakap niya ako ulit at nagtanong, "How are you feeling?"
"What happened?"
"Magbababad-babad ka sa bathtub tapos ako ang tatanugnin mo ng ganyan? You almost drowned!"
Naalala ko na nananaginip pala ako tungkol sa isang bata which more likely my childhood memory.
"My God Carlee Beth, what do you want me to do? Halos patayin mo na rin –"
"Jeez cousin, you're voice is too loud. I can even hear it outside," singit ni Rio na biglaan din ang pasok sa loob ng kwarto.
"Hey," bati nito sa'kin.
"It's Carlee for you, not hey," pagtataray ko naman.
Umiwas agad ako nang tingin sa kanya nang maalala ang sinabi niya kanina na binato ko siya ng apple. It makes sense now. He's a pervert ever since. So, no wonder why he is like this now.
"Okay, Carlee. How are you feeling? Mirah was frantically jumping all over this room and crying and talking to herself."
"Kung hindi pa ako kinutuban ay hindi pa namin malalaman ang nangyari sa'yo."
"Alam ba ni Cortes at Shayla ang nangyari?" Nnag-aalala kong tanong.
Umiling si Mirah. "Hindi na namin ipinaalam. Ayokong mag-alala si papa at isa pa baka hindi ka pasamahin ni Tita sa bakasyon. I know you need this break."
"And she also need a break from your voice," sabat ulit ni Rio na nakaupo na sa gilid ng kama ko.
Marahan akong sumandal sa headboard ng kama. Inalalayan naman nila akong dalawa.
"By the way, paano ako nakapunta rito sa kama?"
Napansin ko ang paglunok ni Mirah ng laway kasabay ng pagtingin nito kay Rio. Dahan-dahan akong humarap kay Rio habang iniisip ang mga sinabi nito kanina.
"Wait. Tinakpan naman kita ng towel bago ka niya buhatin. Hindi kita kaya, you know that. Ako rin naman ang nagbihis sa'yo," mabilis na pagpapaliwanag ni Mirah.
Nakahinga ako nang maluwag sa sinabi niya habang hindi na naman napigilan ni Rio ang magsalita.
"Besides, there's nothing much to see," dugtong niya.
Nagpantig ang tenga ko sa narinig ko at pinaghahampas ko siya ng unan.
"Get out! Get out you pervert!"
Ngumisi lang ito at muli akong kinindatan bago tuluyang lumabas at isinara ang pinto ng kwarto ko.
If he was still the same child I was dealing before, I don't think I'd still want to remember how he tried to ruin my childhood days.
Cortes knew that I'm not good in dealing with people because they don't care who you really are. Its either you are beneficial to them or you're just a familiar stranger without a name.
Just like being a writer from other publishing company, publishers do not care how good, how creative or realistic ones work is. If they couldn't give them the satisfaction in sales, they won't be noticed. At least, Cortes is different.
But writing is my life. I've been writing since I could remember. I can't let my life to break apart. I was left with nothing. I was left in a freezing hollow with my memories somewhere I can't reach. It was all I've got. It was all I have to treasure.